The sun is shining, the birds are chirping another week has drawn to a close. And nothing screams "TGIF!" like a roundup of crazy people with their own tv shows. So allow Intern Wendy to guide you through a magical world where Barack Obama channels Tinky-Winky, Nancy Grace harvests internal organs and Tucker Carlson (almost) admits to being a sexual deviant.
• "But now he’s different. He’s 110 pounds. He’s huge. And his trainers no longer frolic with him, because he’ll eat them. All right?” Bill O’Reilly, pissed that Knut the polar bear grew up, The O’Reilly Factor, July 9
• "I want to ask you about your personal circumstance right now regarding your kidneys." Nancy Grace, trolling for body parts, Nancy Grace, July 9
• "I‘m not coming out for marijuana, but I will say that the one thing that actually is true, a stoner never hurt anyone. I mean, they really are kind of — they‘re not like your average drunk." Tucker Carlson, planning Nicole Richie’s defense strategy, Tucker, July 10
On those days where it's too hot to venture outdoors, there's nothing more refreshing than an industrial sized (and extremely un-PC) air conditioning, an ice cream sundae, and—of course—a mid-afternoon edition of Cable Quotables. Welcome back Intern Wendy from her one week reprieve, as she tells us more than we wanted to ever wanted to know about the inner-workings of Willie Geist.
• "I want to learn what Mindy Cohn was like behind the scenes. Willie Geist, revealing his secret Facts of Life fetish, Morning Joe, July 6
• "Can you climb up into Cheney’s head, or is that off limits for Security reasons?" John Ridley, on the real final frontier, Morning Joe, July 6
• "When it was Clinton, it was cigars and Monica Lewinsky. It was good times." Willie Geist, looking forward to seeing Bill (and his bevvy of interns) back in the White House, Morning Joe, July 6
• "Morning Joe continues on Monday, sadly, with Joe." Willie Geist, pissed that he has to go back to working with Tucker Carlson, Morning Joe, July 6
• "Whooooooooooooa! Lesbians with pink pistols! That’s good!" Dan Abrams, wooing us with his latent heterosexuality, MSNBC Live with Dan Abrams, July 9
On this lazy, Friday afternoon, Intern Wendy is sitting back, dreaming about her weekend of leisure, and thanking her lucky stars for the Morning Joe show, without which she'd never have a column. So read on, and find out everything you never wanted to know about Joe Scarborough's living accommodations, his favorite redneck pastimes and Frank Rich's secret makeup tips.
• "We are like the Polish hillbillies." Mika Brzinski, the thinking person’s Ellie Mae Clampett, Morning Joe, June 26
• "This is one of those times that I’m glad that I live in a tent." Joe Scarborough, living the Simple Life, Morning Joe, June 27
• "Tractor pulls, yes, but not wrestling." Joe Scarborough, adhering to only the finest redneck standards, Morning Joe, June 27
• "It’s amazing what light and oxygen can do." Beauty expert Frank Rich, explaining how you, too, can achieve that doughy "indoorsy" look, Morning Joe, June 27
On this muggy, seemingly endless summer day, Intern Wendy reminds us that our pundits still have plenty to pontificate about. From the new Vegas fashion trends to the illicit broadcast journalism fantasies to Paris Hilton's career ambitions, there's plenty to (momentarily) distract you from the fact that your air conditioning's broken, your ice coffee melted hours ago and you've still got nearly three hours to go. Starting…now.
• "The cocktail waitresses at the Venetian wear burkas." John Ridley, explaining why he won't be hitting up The Strip anytime soon, Morning Joe, June 22
• "Who in his or her right mind could turn down a million bucks to sit down with Meredith Viera?" Neil Cavuto, wishing the Today host would make him an indecent proposal, Your World, June 22
• "Oh yes, she‘ll be a regular Slutty Spice." Michael Musto, revealing Paris Hilton’s post-prison career trajectory, Countdown, June 22
• "Doocy hasn’t really been arrested. We just wish that he had." Bill O’Reilly, wishing Steve Doocy was inheriting Paris Hilton’s former jail cell, The O’Reilly Factor, June 25
Today's been one of those crazy days when you're not sure if it's going to rain or not, and not motivated enough to actually care. Fortunately, rain or shine, there's always Cable Quotables! This time, the indefatigable Intern Wendy has discerned another common thread amongst our pundits: "They're all freaking crazy," she explains. Enjoy!
• "Yes, Paris should emulate not so much Sylvester, who was never able to catch Tweety, but more the cat who got a white stripe of paint down its back and was always able to evade the unwanted amorous advances of Pepe le Pew." Paul F. Tompkins, suggesting role models for Paris Hilton, Countdown, June 18
• "What was your first word as a baby? Da-da, Ma-ma?" Ann Bremner, clueless that Nancy Grace’s first word was "Guilty," Nancy Grace, June 19
• "My job here is to warn people. I think there’s a heightened danger from this. I think we’re going to see more and more of this kind of stuff going on. Am I wrong?" Bill O’Reilly, explaining why bears are a bigger threat than Al Quaeda, The O’Reilly Factor, June 20
On this hot and toasty Tuesday afternoon, the theme of the day is…air-conditioning. However, the theme of Cable Quotables is Morning Joe, which has fortunately provided Intern Wendy with enough material for her next three columns. So enjoy this tribute to Joe Scarborough, and enjoy the delightful insights on domestic abuse, trolling for tramps and, well, roadkilll.
• "We troll the bars. Would you like to do it with me, Joe?" Donald Trump, asking Joe Scarborough to be his wingman, Morning Joe, June 15
• "If she turns out to be a tramp, it’ll be a big surprise, but it’ll be a great rating." Donald Trump, asking Mika Brzezinski to star on his new sleazy Fox reality show, Morning Joe, June 15
• "That’s an Imus apology," Mika Brzezinski, shaming Joe Scarborough for his perfunctory "I’m Sorry," Morning Joe, June 18
• "Do you like squirrels?" wonders Mika Brzezinski, making Katie Couric look like a "total hard-ass" by comparison, Morning Joe, June 18
Ever wondered when someone's finally going to drop the "gay bomb," the secret to instant internet celebrity or the pitfalls of a cartoon-animated Paris Hilton? Well, Intern Wendy is ready with the answers to those questions and more in this Friday edition of Cable Quotables.
• "What about the gay bomb? What about the gay bomb? Who is going to be brave enough to ask about the gay bomb is my question? That‘s my question." Tucker Carlson, fascinated with the Pentagon’s "secret weapon," Tucker, June 13
• "How difficult is it for you not to jump off the stage and punch out the moderator?" Joe Scarborough, fantasizing about roughhousing with Wolf Blitzer, Morning Joe, June 14
• "All I can say is I’m going to be living with Lou Dobbs this weekend." Brian Williams, living the Fathers Day Dream, Morning Joe, June 14
Intern Wendy loves themes, which is why today's she's happy to point out the unifying factor in today's Tuesday edition of Cable Quotables. "Things that go together," Wendy explains. "You know, like doughnuts and spam…Joe Scarborough and Green Day…and Nancy Grace and mental illness." Of course! Enjoy this round of quotables, but remember: crackpot pundits may be enjoyable in small doses, but frequent overexposure has been known to cause brain damage.
• "Hello, my name is Contessa Brewer, and I’m a celebrity news addict." Contessa Brewer, already going through Paris Hilton withdrawal, MSNBC Live, June 8
• "It`s the S.B. syndrome, the spoiled brat." Nancy Grace, offering the clinical diagnosis for Paris Hilton’s impaired mental state, Nancy Grace, June 8
• "Actually, they’re playing my theme song." Joe Scarborough, rocking out to "American Idiot," Morning Joe, June 11
• "It’s not a meal substitute, but yes, donuts and Spam—yummy." Stephanie Elam, casting her vote for SlimFast’s next worst-selling flavor, American Morning, June 11
Today's edition of Cable Quotables is once more devoted to the antics of a certain prison-hopping heiress. "I don't know what was more exciting," writes Intern Wendy. "Anderson Cooper refusing to say Paris Hilton's name, or Dan Abrams getting downright giddy because he could use her incarceration to pimp his Lockup: LA County series!" Either way, she concludes, "God bless the American Judicial System."
• "Yeah…she’s crazy." Michael Musto, offering a clinical explanation for Paris Hilton’s medical problems, MSNBC with Chris Jansing, June 7
• "Huh?" Art Harris, summing up Paris Hilton’s release, CNN Newsroom, June 7
• At least with The Sopranos, you’ve got senses of humor and you have wit and you have good writing. You have a plot. I mean this is Paris Hilton.” Kyra Phillips, disappointed that The Simple Life storyline doesn't end Paris Hilton getting whacked, CNN Newsroom, June 7
• "It seems like the Sheriff’s Department read the Free Paris petition." Dan Abrams, offering the real reason behind Paris Hilton’s release, MSNBC Special Report, June 7
• "Paris is having to confront Paris." Dr. Carole Lieberman, challenging Dr. Phil's hard-earned place as Oprah's bitch, Larry King Live, June 7
In this all-Paris edition of Cable Quotables, Intern Wendy turns to the television to find out what everyone who's anyone (or at least Nancy Grace) was saying about Paris in the moments leading up to her incarceration. And as an extra special bonus, Wendy's even throwing in this brand-new Paris Hilton game ("The Prison Life: PARIS") to wake you up from that post-lunch food coma. Enjoy!
• "Paris Hilton locked in a jail cell with another woman for 23 days? Sometimes soft porn just writes itself." Willie Geist, the (pervy) eternal optimist, Scarborough Country, May 31
• "So it brings up a tough choice. Do you compromise your $18,000 a year jail [salary], or take a million dollars from Us Weekly for your picture?" Willie Geist, mulling over incarcerated Paris' various options, Tucker, June 1
• "That's like the Zapruder film." Tucker Carlson, putting Paris Hilton's last pre-prison interview into proper historical perspective, Tucker Live, June 4
• "I never actually thought of Paris Hilton as a pimp." Nancy Grace, preferring to picture Paris a lady of the night, Nancy Grace, June 4.
In today's Joe Scarborough themed edition of Cable Quotables, Intern Wendy reminds us all that no matter how crazy we are, there's always someone crazier. And that person has his own morning talk show. Read on to find out more about Joe's schizophrenic, god-fearing and street tough sides. Then find out what's cuter than a cocker spaniel (Answer: nothing) and curse Willie Geist for ruining your kid's holiday cheer.
• “Wait, hold on. Wait a second. I don‘t have that domain yet. Hold on, Joe Scarborough is God of the universe…” Joe Scarborough, entering the blogosphere with his typical understated humility, Scarborough Country, May 29
• “My dog sometimes comes to me and tells me fantastical lies.” Joe Scarborough, proving Rover really is a (crazy) man's best friend, Morning Joe, May 30
• “I like Joe. He smokes crack a little too much.” Joe Scarborough, disarming us with his sleep-deprived honesty, Morning Joe, May 30
• “I‘m not anti-whale, but I have never seen the appeal of a whale over say a Golden Retriever or a Cocker Spaniel. I never got the whale fever.” Tucker Carlson, evidently not a fan of Sea World, Tucker, May 30
• “Remember that moment you found out there was no Santa Claus? I‘m reliving that right now. It hurts. Is anything real? Does my mom love me?” Willie Geist, wrecking Christmas for children everywhere, Tucker, May 30
Intern Wendy knows what she likes, and what she likes is Nancy Grace. (Or was that "likes to hate?") Regardless, we bring you this extra special Wednesday edition of Cable Quotables, which Wendy sums up as follows: "liberal women with boob jobs ain't no ladies, work as strippers, eat Hogzillas, and get parental guidance from Candy Spelling."
Which is both funny, and true!
• "As I understand it, the boy who shot the Hogzilla there, his father says he's going to make sausage from it and plans to make something like 700 links. I'm a little worried it would be king of tough, though. I mean, an animal that big, I think the meat's a little old." Erica Hill, who likes her meat young and tender, Anderson Cooper 360, May 25
• "Why are women expected to act lady-like? Why do we have to be lady-like to be accepted?" Nancy Grace, defending redneck women everywhere, Nancy Grace, May 25
• "How are you getting Christian mixed in with big-breasted conservative?" Nancy Grace, presenting her "All Women With Boob Jobs Are Liberals" theory, Nancy Grace, May 25
• "Strippers are people, too!" Joe Scarborough, demanding respect for our nation's pole dancers, Morning Joe, May 29
• "I'm just looking forward to hearing what Candy Spelling has to say about it." Susan Moss, on the upside to Lindsay Lohan's being arrested, Nancy Grace, May 29
Thank God It's (Finally!) Friday. With Memorial Day weekend just ahead, we've spent the bulk of our time daydreaming about barbecues and beach bums&mdash—and forgot to watch our favorite pundits battle it out on cable television. Thankfully, Intern Wendy had far more restraint, hence today's (almost) weekend edition of Cable Quotables.
• “It's kind of like finding out there's no Santa Claus. I've been drinking those Rocky raw egg cocktails since I was a kid. Couldn't figure out why it wasn't working.” Dan Abrams, traumatized by rumors of Sylvester Stallone's 'roid rage, Scarborough Country, May 21
• “No, Wal-Mart is a huge, huge thing. They have some of the cheapest fishing tackle in America.” Tucker Carlson, a sucker for the giant yellow smiley face, Tucker, May 21
• “I mentored with Zamfir, master of the pan flute. I don't like to talk about it.” Anderson Cooper, on his hidden musical talent, Anderson Cooper 360, May 22
• “It‘s like a cupid shot them right in the face, I mean, the heart, the heart, right in the heart.” Cecily Knobler, on lovebirds Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco, Scarborough Country, May 23
• “Should I feel responsible since it started over Al Gore’s experience on this show?” Larry King, taking the credit blame for the Rosie O’Donnell/Elisabeth Hasselbeck fight, Larry King Live, May 23
Tuesday afternoons are always good for one thing: staring out the window and wishing it was already Friday. And while we can't bring you an early weekend, we can offer you another entertaining round of Cable Quotables, and explain why Intern Wendy has been walking around all week calling Rosie O'Donnell a "triple threat."
• “You've never watched this show, have you?” Glenn Beck, realizing even Larry King has good taste, Glenn Beck, May 17
• “Have you ever seen a shank, Ray Giudice? How do I know she's not going to show up with one of these.” Nancy Grace, anticipating Paris Hilton’s full body cavity search, Nancy Grace, May 17
• “She has triple coverage as a minority. She‘s a woman; she‘s a lesbian; and she‘s fat. We can‘t do anything with her. She‘s like a spotted owl. She‘s an endangered species. She‘s protected by the government.” Adam Carolla, on why Rosie O’Donnell is a national treasure, Scarborough Country, May 17
• “If cavemen had microwaves everything would have moved along faster” Willie Geist, wondering what the Paleolithic Era would have been like with "Hot Pockets," Tucker, May 18
• “Well, is he Raymond Burr, Marlon Brando, or what—or more recognizably just a little heavy?” Chris Matthews, judging Al Gore’s weight on a sliding scale, Hardball, May 18
Today, some of our nation's finest discuss the three lesser known aspects of the American Dream: fights, freaks and porn. On hand to make sense of it all is the indefatiguable Intern Wendy, who chronicles everything from Joe Scarborough's caffeine addiction to Dennis Miller's midget fetish to Danny Bonaduce's idea of divine justice. Enjoy!
• “I‘m going to let you guys go at it. I‘m going to just have a little bit of Starbucks.” Joe Scarborough, not letting a spontanoues round of fisticuffs interrupt his decaf grande no-foam half-soy latte, Scarborough Country, May 14
• “If you want to interview a midget crackhead, fine.” Dennis Miller, approving next week's guestlist, The O’Reilly Factor, May 16
• “I mean, you could just smell the mustiness of that rhetoric. I mean, it turns me on still.” Tucker Carlson, showing off his "kinky" side, Tucker, May 16
• “It gives me chills. There is something faintly obscene about Fudgie the Whale.” Tucker Carlson, exploring the dark side of a Carvel ice cream cake, Tucker, May 16
• “Britney, I really do think—I don‘t think she fits in the Lindsay Lohan category. I barely think she fits into a category. As a matter of fact, I think they should just free Paris Hilton and shoot Lindsay Lohan and just call it a draw.” Danny Bonaduce, solving the world's pop tart crisis once and for all, Scarborough Country, May 16
Occasionally, there's some unifying factor in Cable Quotables. Like, for instance, a barrage of Anna Nicole Smith jokes or crazy Nancy Grace quotes. This time, however, there's an impressive array of pundits, posturing and pop culture. In the words of Intern Wendy, "the only way to describe it is…'indescribable.'"
• “To be fair, I have actually seen the movie, and I will say that, in it, just like now, she looks like one, big, giant carrot. She is so orange, it‘s unbelievable.” Cecily Knobler, on the real fallout of Lindsay Lohan’s partying, Scarborough Country, May 10
• “What I never understood about the Wonder Twins, one would be, like, form of the eagle. And then the other one was, like, form of water, and yet, there was a bucket to carry the water in. No one was the bucket. Not even Gleek. I don’t—I don’t understand.” Anderson Cooper, asking the hard-hitting questions, Anderson Cooper 360, May 10
• “Do you think Johnny would have gone on Dancing With The Stars”?” Larry King, asking Billy Ray Cyrus if no-longer-living legend Johnny Cash was really just a D-lister at heart, Larry King Live, May 10
CONTINUED »
In today's lovely Tuesday edition of Cable Quotables, Intern Wendy goes back to doing what she does best: taking ridiculous quotes out of context and reminding us that anyone with a chip on their shoulder, a strong political bias and an opinion about Paris Hilton can get their own talk show. So read on to find out what the talking heads are saying about Queen Elizabeth's penchant for light beer, the best place to score celebrity bling and how Glenn Beck really feels about our Simeon ancestors.
• “I know you spent the day wondering, I wonder what Paris Hilton is up to? I know it is question that has been agitating me since breakfast, like a mosquito bite under my bathing suit.” Tucker Carlson, scratching the itch that is Paris Hilton, Tucker, May 4
• “I get all my medallions made by Jacob the Jeweller.” Tucker Carlson, blinged by the best, Tucker, May 4
• “She‘s going to find herself up in one of those a hoity-toity boxes up in the suites with the fancy people, but if she really wants to impress the American people and leave an impression, she will go to the infield with the real people, drink some Budweiser and do some mudslides through the infield.” Willie Geist, on how Queen Elizabeth II can bond with President Bush, Tucker, May 4
• “I figure, why not just wipe out the entire human race by arming monkeys—sorry, sorry, simian-Americans—and that way, we can make everyone happy, the baby-haters and the monkey-lovers, you know?” Glenn Beck, addressing Roe v. Wade from a "Planet of the Apes" perspective, Glenn Beck, May 7
Usually, we write the introductions for the biweekly installments of Cable Quotables. But today, we're going to let Intern Wendy speak for herself. So here's an excerpt from her latest email.
Ya know what's wonderful about life? Every time I think that I won't have any more material for the column (i.e, Sanjaya gets booted off AI, Heather Mills is kicked off Dancing With the Stars, Rosie leaves The View), along comes something else just as bad, if not worse.
God Bless Porn and Hookers!
Wendy, sometimes its like you can read our minds.
• “In some cultures the natives understand instinctively that when you say sex, Miss America and perverts, it‘s time to perform the nightly ritual known as keeping tabs.” Keith Olbermann, pervert expert, Countdown, May 1
• “Should ABC news, just an outstanding news organization, really be doing the bidding of a hooker?” Joe Scarborough, jealous of
ABC’s “special” relationship with the D.C. Madam, Scarborough Country, May 1
• “I was going to say, ah, the sex scandal we can all feel good about.” Joe Scarborough, feeling warm all over, Scarborough Country, May 1
CONTINUED »
Some of you are spending this Tuesday afternoon enjoying the great outdoors. Others are enjoying the classic O.C. episode currently playing on the Soap network. And for the rest of you, there's the Tuesday edition of Cable Quotables. Today, Intern Wendy finds out what happens when Rosie gets unleashed, Tucker Carlson wets himself and what Nancy Grace really wants to do with Sandy Bullock.
• “She had a lot of problems with this animal. This woman’s an animal, and it’s not easy for Barbara to handle her.” Donald Trump, on how Barbara Walters couldn’t housebreak Rosie O’Donnell, On the Record, April 25
• “I mean, it was, you know, it was nice the charity thing, but screw the starving kids. Kick somebody off.” Glenn Beck, pissed that American Idol helped children in need, Glenn Beck, April 26
• “Does she want to marry her, live with her, have sex with her, make a movie with her, be her best friend, go shopping with her?” Nancy Grace, baffled as to why anyone would stalk Sandra Bullock, Nancy Grace, April 27
• “Is it true you were in a hot tub when you watched the debates?” Roxanne Roberts, fantasizing about Tucker Carlson in a Speedo, Tucker, April 27
• “Yes, imagine if they had caught him with the gerbil.” Michael Musto, pondering Richard Gere's fate if he returns to India, Countdown, April 27
In today's mostly Hannity & Colmes edition of Cable Quotables, Intern Wendy imagines the horror of a world without fat jokes, sympathizes with Bill O'Reilly in this time of loss and questions whether or not Justin Timberlake is really bringing SexyBack.
• “Whenever we are short an item, we go to the Rosie file. It’s a sure thing for us. Although I do acknowledge the overkill.” Bill O’Reilly, echoing our sentiments on Rosie O’Donnell's "voluntary" exit from The View, The O’Reilly Factor, April 23
• “Do we have to fire everybody who makes any kind of racial comment?” Alan Colmes, not getting this equality thing, Hannity and Colmes, April 23
• “Anyone can make fun of me. I don’t care.” Sean Hannity, accepting the inevitable, Hannity and Colmes, April 23
• “If we’re overweight, we can’t make fun of overweight people, we can’t make fun of people that are losing their hair. We can’t make fun — no more blond jokes, no more Irish jokes, no more jokes about anybody.” Sean Hannity, realizing all his one-liners are gone, Hannity and Colmes, April 23
• “Look at him. Look, he‘s skinny. He‘s scrawny. He can‘t grow a [beard]. I mean, he‘s a little weasel. This is sexy in 2007?” Joe Scarborough, who doesn’t think Justin Timberlake is bringing "SexyBack," Scarborough Country, April 23
