We didn't think things could get worse over at Conde Nast. As if Vanity Fair's "Green Issue" and Jennifer Aniston on the cover of Vogue weren't enough … not to mention Cargo collapsing … brace yourself for this next doozie.

The Fashion Rocks magazine. Yippee! The supplementary glossy is a part of Conde Nast's umbrella: the 2006 Fashion Rocks project, which included a televised rock concert from Radio City, featuring David Bowie, Nelly, and Tim McGraw.

All of this was Conde's attempt at do-gooding, and proceeds went to Hurricane Katrina victims. Apparently nobody heard about it because it was beat out by Dateline and could barely compete with UPN's Smackdown!.

The good news is that Anna Wintour will be heading the destined for poly-bagging mag, and stamping her name under the "editorial director" slot. We did always say The Devil Wears Prada wasn't the worst thing that could happen to Anna.

Box of Rocks [Sara James, WWD]

Your Cargo subscription may have been scuttled over to GQ, but that doesn't mean Conde Nast will stop trying to collect on a subscription that will never be delievered. Witness: An invoice for a subscription marked "bill me later" that asks for the $9.97 owed for a year of stickers and Ariel Foxman's contradictory fashion advice.

At least when we subscribed, we received a nylon Cargo fannypack perfect for regifting to six-year-old nephews already in step with Hickey Freeman.

The ghost of Cargo’s past [B&S]
Related: All Cargo coverage

• Always beware of a guy in a fedora who threatens to bite off your boob, pee in your soup, and thinks that Page Six is the mafia.

• And magazines who lie to you about being able to see Eva Longoria from space.

• Maybe if you're lucky, Si Newhouse will buy you an apartment. But, if you suck at running a magazine, you'll probably only get a one bedroom apartment.

• Elle Girl's life gets taken before she even has a chance to become a woman. But, she will live on like the real ladies — on the internet.

• From inside AMI, the real story of Celebrity Living's demise. Even Bonnie Fuller stopped by to shake hands.

• And for once, the only magazine that nobody cares about, with the most stalked about celebrity of the month.

Sir Harold Evans is a pretty important guy. You should know who he is … mostly because he's a sir, is married to Tina Brown, holds some disdain for Mort Zuckerman, and (as insinuated by our previous theory) doesn't need to go to the Dominican Republic for his tea.

Currently, Evans' job as editor-at-large for Felix Dennis is likely being threatened. (Surely James Brady couldn't have known that when he filed his online article praising this fab position.)

Before Stuff and Maxim, though, Sir Evans did spend some time at Conde Nast. As did his wife. And they just love Si Newhouse. Well, come on, he bought them a house.

Si Newhouse? "I love Si. With Si's backing and resources, you can't go wrong unless you're a bloody fool."

And when Sir Herold is not having tea in his Sutton Place apartment, he's schooling Ariel Foxman and explaining why the Cargo editor only got a one-bedroom.

Sir Harry Never Rests [James Brady, Forbes]

In today's issue of New York Press, we have yet another analysis of the demise of Cargo. Something about consumer porn and shopping and getting back to the "real man" stuff.

Cargo, along with Stuff, Gear, the defunct Vitals and all those other butch one-syllable names (why didn’t someone just go direct to the heart of the matter and call one Boner?) all chased after the same market—the dreaded media-made monster homo metrosexualis.

We find this paragraph extremely, extremely puzzling. First off, neither Vitals nor Boner are one-syllable names. Secondly, we don't know what to fear more: a 'butch' men's mag or a "monster homo metrosexualis?"

Especially when we're still working on being comfortable around straight guys.

CONSUMPTION PORNOGRAPHY [Steve Weinstein, New York Press]

A Cargo consultation is not complete without the Sunday Styles section weighing in. Eric Wilson takes a break from covering Brokeback trends and beards to cover the recently defunct men's style staple.

What pissed people off about Cargo anyway? Not that it was "gay" but that it was so in the closet about it? Not that they were treating their readers like wimpy girly men, but they stopped short of putting unicorns and rainbows on the stickers? Likely a little bit of both. But, of course it isn't the reader's fault. Their weak minds are just controlled by the monster which is media.

Which is exactly, of course, who EIC Ariel Foxman blames. The media, who just can't wrap their minds around straight men shopping and getting manicures, took Cargo down one preconceived notion at a time.

Cargo covered cars and technology with the same zeal as styling paste and printed underwear, and this, Mr. Foxman believes, made some people uncomfortable.

"It really irked people in the media that they couldn't put a label on Cargo," he said, "as if all technology or geeky magazines had to be straight and all fashion magazines had to be gay, which is a preposterous way for media to look at other media."

Ok, so maybe the media does enforce that stereotype. But when the only straight guys in your office work in the IT department, it's just so hard not to.

O.K., Fellas, Let's Shop. Fellas? Fellas? [Eric Wilson, New York Times]

• Naomi Campbell loses her jeans, her mind, and her maid all in one day. And makes us fear the future of mobile technology.

• Our super hip readers take a break from watching VH1 Celebrity Countdown to tell us, (uh, hellllooo) that Leonardo DiCaprio is not dating Lindsay Lohan. That's the last time we spread unsubstantiated gossip. Oh, who are we kidding?

• The happiest news of all? No, not Cargo's demise. Jill Carroll is free at last.

• Whitney Houston gives Natasha Lyonne a run for her drug money.

• Uh, little Hilton bro needs to close his mouth before Michael Jackson finds him.

• And yes, because it couldn't compete with Consumer Reports, didn't know if it was gay or straight, and had schizophrenia, Conde Nast laid Cargo to rest.

• Michael Agger gives Cargo a proper eulogy, claiming the mag never had a chance. Obviously, they were out-hipped by Consumer Reports. [Slate]

• The Washington Post's new radio show launched yesterday; the first day was largely filled with interviews with WaPo reporters. Shameless self-promotion in the veil of a news program? Sounds eerily familiar. [WaPo]

• "Mom food" officially has its own magazine. Meredith Corp. launches Eat magazine, a quarterly food mag for a nation of families who can't stop chomping for two seconds. [Mediaweek]

• A photographer is fired from church for handing over a photo of Justice Antonin Scalia flicking off a reporter. Apparently, believing that journalism really is the one true god pisses the Catholics off. [Boston Herald via Romenesko]

• And in more WaPo news, political columnist John F. Harris tackles the Ben Domenech issue through "chatrooms." Apparently you can be a conservative and run a successful blog like Dan Froomkin … you just need to snag those pesky credentials. [E&P]

Plenty of people in the media industry are throwing their hands up in the air and crying "why, Cargo? Why?" Ariel Foxman, defunct EIC, is definitely one of them.

However, it seems that like its closing, there are plenty of things Foxman didn't seem to fully understand about the magazine he was running. The publication had, at the very least, some identity and personality issues.

“It was never a men’s shopping magazine,” Mr. Foxman said. (Each issue included a sheet of page-marking stickers reading “BUY” or “SAVE.”) “It was a magazine that helped guys figure out the things they would need.” (September 2005: “These jeans reverse from a dark blue rinse on one side to a light gray-blue on the other.”) “It never identified with metrosexuals.” (November 2005: “I would love to find a cleaner, less painful depilation process—and maybe sugaring will do the trick.”)

The mag couldn't decide which way to flip its collar, who to put on the cover, or what its sexual orientation was. A "lifestyle magazine" was specifically geared towards a life full of shopping and grooming and spending — an obviously "modern" "ahead if its time" life.

Yes, in twenty to fifty years, guys who get sugar scrubs, have 15 types of hair gel, and download every DMX song ever made will be in the total majority. We can't friggin' wait.

Cargo–Ergo Sum: I Shop, Therefore I Am So Bummed! [Gabriel Sherman, New York Observer]

We already know that you can get three Blenders for the price of one Cargo, but now that Cargo is totally defunct, how does this affect the fine economic balance of men's mag worthiness?

GQ, for one, has just been demoted. Where once you could get, say, five Blenders for a GQ, now that the monthly Quarterly is worth a Cargo, it can only be traded for three Blenders. Yet, this may not be a bad thing for everyone.

In one former mag editor's burning curiosity to test the powers of paying for a mag that no longer exists, he found a curious loophole in the Conde subscription system.

I often wonder why subscribe buttons still appear on web sites long after magazines fold, but this added a whole new level to my curiosity seeing as how Conde Nast announced yesterday that Cargo was packing up and, well, going under.

I wondered what would happen if I subscribed to the magazine today. So in my subsequent bad mood — hey, I liked the magazine ok? — I visited the site, and yes, it seems as if you can (as of today) still purchase a subscription. For $9.97.

And, as we all know, that means you'll be getting a year's subscription to GQ at a discount. Does it really matter what it costs, though? Conning the folks over at Conde Nast is always priceless.

This week only: Get GQ for $9.97! [Big & Sharp]

While Lloyd Grove talking about vibrators is just about the worst thing we could ever imagine, because this zany tale involved Billboard magazine, we feel obligated to give it some coverage.

Two fired Billboard staffers — former EIC Keith Girard and senior editor Samantha Chang — are slapping a $29 million lawsuit on the mag over a "sexual vibrator" that made its way around the office.

Grove picks the "highlights" out of the 52-page document, complete with color photos, which includes the story of executive editor Ken Schlager keeping the vibrator on his bookshelf and turning it on for Chang and another female employee.

And in situations like these, someone always says something that makes no sense. This time it was VNU exec Howard Lander with a double shot of weirdness:

"He would not have a problem" if every employee kept a vibrator in the office. "It is a question of credibility whether the batteries would remain operable for six years after Schlager first took possession of the vibrator."

If only Cargo had made a similar vibrator policy … maybe they could've held out just one more year.

Suit calls vibrator a big hit at Billboard [Lloyd Grove, Lowdown]

Yesterday afternoon, word hit the internet at full speed that Cargo, Conde Nast's shopping magazine for men, was terminated.

Its closing marks the third in a series of magalogs for men that have bitten the glossy dust — despite their Swiss army knives and cable knit sweaters, Fairchild's Vitals and Ziff Davis Media's Sync also faced a similar fate.

Perhaps marking the end of the metrosexual reader who picks out his clothes with little sticky tabs, when the plug was pulled on Cargo, it took down household name Ariel Foxman with it. Foxman had a rough stint over at Conde; he didn't want to put women on Cargo's cover, he didn't play the GQ/Details, 'gay or straight?' game, and perhaps most detrimental, he pissed of the big guns.

According to one insider, in December, Foxman showed up late to a holiday cocktail party Condé Nast chairman S.I. Newhouse Jr. held for the company's editors — a faux pas no employee who felt himself to be on the hot seat would presumably make.

Ouch. (Remember that folks, when you go to apply for your job at 4 Times Square.) Still, as naive as Foxman may have been, it's not easy selling magazines when your entire demographic is acting like a bunch of gruppie dumb shits.

Dumping Cargo [Jeff Bercovici, Sara James, WWD]
Condé Nast to Close Cargo Magazine [New York Times, AP]

Earlier: Jiblets: Cargo dies, GQ slotted to play step-daddy

• OMG, we don't believe it! There are even good restaurants in Brooklyn! [NYDN]

• What is Judith Miller writing about over at The Atlantic anyways? [NYO]

• Oh, Cargo. What will the Thursday Styles staffers do without you? Guess they'll have to settle for their GQ upgrade. (Come on, are you that shocked? They put freakin' Nick Lachey on the cover.) [Gawker]

• Elizabeth Spiers explains to NYU kids why hiring journalists is completely useless. For a blog, for a blog. [IWM]

• Ethan Hawke's office burned down. Now he has to find a new screening room for his next movie. [Gothamist]

• Will Graydon Carter leave Vanity Fair for Paramount? We doubt it — that means he would have to deal with even more celebrities. [NYDN]

It's been quite some time – nine months, in fact – since we crashed in on Cargo magazine's online forums, where conversation ranges from stripe width on button downs to pondering whether wearing sandals have sexual overtones. While our conversations about Cargo are more likely to drift into debating Ariel Foxman's homoerotic appeal, we're still concerned with what fashion-concious Conde Nast readers have on their minds. Which brings us to this post, titled " Fuzzy Balls Tshirt."

Does anyone remember seeing the "Tennis Players have Fuzzy Balls" tshirt in a spring/summer issue last year? Im trying to find the shirt and been unsuccessful. Hopefully I can come across it.

If someone would please CC the Foxman on this, he might finally realize posts like these can mean one thing only: readers aren't using those handy sticker tabs to mark pages containing tech goodies they want to buy — they're playing pin the Cargo sticker tab on daddy's cub.

Bonus: The Fuzzy Balls tee can actually be found at Vulgaritees, which may or may not have ripped off the idea.

Fuzzy Balls Tshirt [Cargo]
Forum: Talk Cargo [Cargo]
Related: All Crashing Cargo Forum coverage

• How fun would it be to throw Donald Trump into the Les Moonves vs. Howard Stern brawl? [Page Six]

• Orioles pitcher Kris Benson sells his wife to FHM. [Mediaweek]

• In the economics of magazine exchange rates, three years of Blender equals one year of Cargo. We wonder how many Details you need to make a GQ? Like, 3.75, maybe? [Ad Age]

• We didn't believe anyone wanted it at first, either, but, Keith Kelly’s “exclusive” of the day tells us what we already know. One last time, everybody, Hartle Media bought Spin. [NYP]

• Franklin Foer somehow managed to change jobs without loosing any blood. Amazing, because he seems kind of like a guy who would get punched in the face a lot. [NYT]

This Kargo/Cargo fight is almost as stupid as the Turine/Tornio conflict. Even so, anytime anyone sues Conde Nast, it's sort of funny. We wonder if the girls at Glamour share their daddy's attorneys with the legal department? Anyways, this time, it's Cargo, the metro guy's shopping guide that's being attacked.

Kargo with a K is a "Mobile entertainment company," (sounds fake to us) which "develops mobile applications for magazines including Vibe, Spin, TV Guide and Us Weekly."

When Cargo with a C came about in 2003 (four years after Kargo), Cargo promised not to fuse the magazine with wireless technology, and claimed no confusion would be caused. Yeah, then they realized that the mag industry was drowning, and desperately needed the web, so, in September, Cargo launched their cast-friendly website Instant Replay. And Kargo's CEO Harry Kargman is pissssed.

Since then, Kargman says he has had to clarify the difference between the two brands with advertisers and potential clients and defend Kargo's length of time in business. "The point of having a trademark is so you don't have to do that," said Kargman. "What Condé Nast is doing is absurd," said Kargman.

Seriously, though, we don't think it's that big of a threat. Confusing to advertisers who don't like things too too complicated, maybe. Really. Cargo podcasts are about as threatening to the age of wireless as Jessica Simpson is to Britney Spears' marriage.

Kargo Global Sues Cargo Magazine [Stephanie D. Smith, Media Week]

• Because Cargo readers don't admit they're gay, shirtless Orlando Bloom covers won't sell. But, slap some shirts on Jeremy Piven and Rebecca Romijn and the metros come a runnin'. [WWD]

• By “long awaited” online mag, does Keith Kelly mean "unheard of" online mag? [NYP]

• Columbia J students, it's time to put your dreams of reporting in Mexico to rest, along with that margarita glass you've been clinging to for four years. Mexico is almost as dangerous as a country full of fake WMDs. [NYT]

• Real journalism and blogs are spawning faster than celebrities. So all those "reporter bitches" may still have a shot at working in the future. [OJR]

• Life & Style's executive editor gets fired for having an obnoxious British accent. [Gawker]

• The kids at Teen People welcome their new daddy, Greg Hano. [Media Week]

• Ariel Foxman remains safely in charge at Cargo, but that's probably more Andy Roddick's doing (his issue rocketed single copy sales to 89,000) than Foxman's talent. Or his hair.

• The New York Sun calling the New York Times a tabloid makes us giggle a little. Okay, a lot.

• Bonnie Fuller is looking at her own Devil Wears Prada now that former Star West Coast bureau chief Brenda You is set to release her first novel Blood Red Carpet. If there's nothing we like more than thinly veiled industry tell-alls, it's thinly veiled industry tell-alls with "before & after" titles.

• MSNBC truly had a captive audience last night. Among the passengers on JetBlue Flight 292 were three NBC staffers, who were able to watch their situation live on, uh, MSNBC thanks to in-flight DirecTV. And wouldn't you know: Alison Stewart nabbed the get with an interview when the plane landed.

• The good news? A Current Affair has been canceled. The bad news? It's being replaced by Geraldo at Large.

• Rupert Murdoch is moving ahead with plans to launch a business news channel while CNBC is moving ahead with stalled ratings.

• The New York Times hoped to start charging you for access to its op-ed columnists via TimesSelect on Monday, but some smarty found a way around it. Well, for 24 hours.

• Slashing 500 jobs across its newspaper holdings isn't keeping the New York Times from earning a "credit watch with negative implications" rating from S&P, but surely the new revenue from TimesSelect will rescue the Gray Lady.

• Penthouse founder Bob Guccione is facing a $4 million lawsuit from the company he used to run, which is looking for unrecovered cash, art and furniture.

• If it's not Natalee Holloway, Fox News is seeing ratings climb thanks to Hurricae Katrina. The news network nabbed an average 2.8 million viewers on Monday, it's largest of the year.

• Fairchild's Cookie is accompanying its baby mag November launch with a stroller shopping event on Madison Avenue next month. And by the way he's going, Brad Pitt might show.

• With Cargo's publisher Alan Katz jumping ship to head Vanity Fair in the business group shuffleboard, Conde Nast is bringing in American Media Inc. prez Lance Ford (of Maxim, Stuff and Blender launch fame) to run its men's shopping title.

• Google is trying its hand at print advertising, quietly buying up ad pages in tech titles like PC Magazine and reselling the space as cut-up units to marketers already a part of its AdWords program.

• First Wal-Mart secured exclusive distribution for Time Inc.'s All You, now they're securing exclusive rights to sell BET's DVDs.

• Congrats to Niche Media overlord Jason Binn and wife Haley on the birth of Penny Olivia, who will likely get her own mail slot on Park Ave South.

Hachette Filipacchi's ELLEgirl isn't the only masthead getting decoupaged. With Conde Nast's announcement this week that they're shooting for a business title with accompanying website, they're snapping up top brass from inside 4 Times Square to fill the new positions.

Among the movers and shakers:

• Louis Cona switches from Vanity Fair publisher to New Yorker publisher.

• That's because current New Yorker publisher David Carey is moving to head the new business unit.

• Cargo publisher Alan Katz is jumping over to Vanity Fair to take the same job.

So what can we expect with all these changes?

With Cona heading up the New Yorker, we've got a feeling that'll be the end of those Target advertorial issues. He's also going to have to switch from the celeb focus to, uh, more intellectual advertisers — though De Beers has good crossover.

Meanwhile, Cargo's Alan Katz's switch to VF won't change the number of freebies he receives each week.