• Madonna carries unnecessarily heavy handbag, treats onlookers to unwanted "gun show."
• Not only was Lindsay Lohan arrested and thrown (temporarily) in the clink! She's also dirt poor! How tacky.
• OMG, did anyone ever notice that Carrot Top and Fergie have the exact same face? It's terrifying! And amazing. But mainly just gross.
• Who wears short shorts? Unfortunately, Amy Winehouse does.
• Meanwhile, Heather Locklear ain't what she used to be. But she's still much, much hotter than most women half her age.
• Penelope Cruz laughs off rumors that she's a lesbian…then looks for her next not-even-remotely-straight boyfriend.
• In a bit of disturbing news, Director John Waters wants to be K-Fed's "rebound" guy.
• Meanwhile, K-Fed weighs his options: it's either custody of the kids, or else "giant piles of money."
• Courtney Thorne-Smith marries her agent despite his inability to get her anything besides crappy, network tv roles.
• In addition to being a crappy comedian, Carrot Top also turns out to be "really scary-looking" up close.
• Here's what happens when good celebrities go fat.
• Lenny Kravitz is said to be looking at a $50 million Fifth Avenue apartment that's in need of an additional $10 million in renovations, but he may not have enough cash for the unit.
• Martha Stewart's daughter Alexis will be joining her (in the kitchen?) as a sidekick on her Apprentice reality show. MSLO chairman Charles Koppelman will fill the other lieutenant seat.
• Judith Miller, embedded over her head? We're pretty sure she's just trying to keep her head free of snatch.
• Governor George Pataki wants to know how the New York Post obtained (and then printed transcripts of) taped conversations between his former aide Tom Doherty and top republicans, including one that had his wife Libby wondering why Donna Hanover Giuliani got more press than she.
• The MTA is thinking of adding cell service to the subways, and like good city folk, New Yorkers are bitching.
• You needn't eat Skittles to taste the rainbow. Just take a bite out of a very pregnant Britney Spears.
• Carrot Top goes from skinny annoying red-headed comic to beefy annoying red-headed comic.
