Over the week at Jossip headquarters, we come up with any number of story ideas that, for whatever reason, don't make it on to the site. Usually, that's because they involve 1) picking up the phone; 2) research; or 3) absolute idiocy. Allow us to share with you the pitches that never made it off the white board..
You're welcome. CONTINUED »
In the days of countrywide recession, even red carpet celebritantes are struggling to find new ways to afford their billion-dollar mansions and cocaine binges. The old way of making money in Hollywood – by, y'know, actually being good at one's craft – has been cast to the wayside in favor of quick and easy side projects, celebreality television shows (hey, you get paid for being on Celebrity Rehab) and special appearances for $50k a pop.
Want in? If you're a Kim Kardashian or a Brody Jenner in the making, here's how to parlay your minimal amount of faux-success into cold hard dollars (which you will waste). CONTINUED »
Oh no, trouble in paradise already for Madonna and A-rodblahblah blah! No, I know it's really hard to pretend to care about these people when you know, Darfur and Rahm Emanuel and that live puppy feed are going on, but bear with me.
A-Rod doesn't want to take Kabbalah classes! No! Yes!
"He's basically a Kabbalah school dropout," a source close to the Kabbalah Centre told msnbc.com. "This is certainly off-putting to Madonna."
Hey guys, it's cool! Kabbalah isn't really a religion that can be practiced by two narcisists anyway. It's an ancient Jewish practice that's for very serious Talmudic scholars. So basically what these two are arguing about, and what we are ostensibly caring they are arguing about, is whether or not Alex Rodriguez is going to fake-Sunday schul.
"Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and husband Pete Wentz welcomed a son Thursday night, PEOPLE confirms.
Bronx Mowgli Wentz weighed 7 lbs., 11 oz., and was 20 1/2 inches long." [People]
With all the phonies out there (as Holden would say), how can you ever make sure if the person you're talking to on the 'net is really who they claim to be? Sure, sure, that's why we have awesome shows like To Catch a Predator, and now video gchat (holla!), but when it comes to celebrities, it's best just to assume the worst: that your I_Am_Paris superfan on MySpace is actually a 45-year old guy named Norbert from Wisconsin.
But once in awhile you get a legit celebrity, trying to take back their good name on the blogosphere, will actually come out and confirm their identity with a phone call to a reporter.
Which is how we now know that Shaquille O'Neil is now an avid Twitter-er.
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These days it's clearer than ever: loyalty and Hollywood go together like boxing gloves and telephones.
Now that we in the Western World are eating fish skeletons out of the garbage like the Heathcliff of world powers, too poor to lavish celebrities with sufficient amounts of money and gifts, our disappointed stars are turning their rhinoplastied noses eastward, to the mysterious, exciting, oil-rich Orient. In Dubai, where oil barons mingle with Russian gangsters in $1,500 shoes, the money flows as plentifully as the region's largest export. And just like that, our celebrities are taking their balls and going to the UAE!
Because that six minute "Don't Vote" ad wasn't annoying enough the first time around, now these asshats (Borat? Seriously? Can Sasha Baron Cohen even legally vote in this country?) are going all meta on everyone's asses.
The biggest names, from Scientologist Will Smith to Scientologist Tom Cruise, don't "get" why Steven Spielberg wants them to sarcastically tell America not to vote. Shia LaBeouf looks like he doesn't even know what the word "sarcastic" means, despite being part the most eye-rolling generation since, um, the Gen-X'ers. Speaking of which, there's Ben Stiller. What's wrong with his face?
"BE careful today - April Fools' Day - that the fool isn't you," writes Page Six. "At Michael's, the media-centric eatery on West 55th Street, it will appear Amy Winehouse is lunching with call girl-craving ex-Gov. Eliot Spitzer, plus Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, with baby Harlow. But they aren't real. They are look-alikes (plus a doll) promoting a new Web site, Celebrifantasy.com."
Too bad the they're spending $24 on a chopped salad to promote a glorified RSS feed dud. CONTINUED »
Our bookshelves are looking pretty full these days, (never mind that the two bulkiest tomes are "The American Heritage Dictionary" and "I Am Charlotte Simmons!") So when a new book comes out, we actually need to be somewhat discriminating and think:
Will this add anything to my personal library? If not, will it at least look impressive, lodged somewhere in between "Middlemarch" and "Finnegan's Wake" on the shelf we never read?
Enter today's contender, "Tabloid Prodigy," and this synopsis from today's Page Six:
THE supermarket scandal sheets will go to amazing lengths to try to "out" even the straightest Hollywood stars, a new tell-all on the tabloid biz reveals.
Wait, you mean to tell us that, sometimes, the supermarket tabs actually fabricate stories and don't always adhere to strict journalism guidelines or standards of decency? And that Leo and Tobey, Matt and Ben and Matthew McConaughey Brad and George aren't really gay??
Nice try, "Tabloid Prodigy," but you're not getting anywhere near our shelf. Oh, and don't let our little sister's copy of "Nancy Drew" hit you on the way out.
Not that any of these celebrities had plastic surgery, of course, because we would never insinuate something like that (which would draw the attention of attorneys). But what a difference a nip makes. And yes, there's the requisite cameos from the Jackson clan.
Paul and Heather Mills McCartney are only #6 on Forbes list of the most expensive divorces. Britney and Kevin didn't even make it; they can't even split up with dignity.
Ever wanted to be a celebrity assistant? It seems kind of fun and glamorous from afar! But after you get past all the enticing perks (overnight flights to places you've never heard of and won't have time to explore!) and amazing freebies (designer clothes—for your celebrity, not you!) it turns out the job actually kind of sucks.
You see, as a celebrity assistant, you'll have to cater to a pampered, co-dependent overly demanding famous person, who's both horribly insecure—needing constant reassurance—and pathetically deluded about their own self-importance. Plus, you get paid crap, typically don't get health benefits, and you get absolutely zero credit, unless, of course, something goes horribly wrong!
Which is why we enjoyed this little item in today's Rush & Molloy column:
Whoever made Britney Spears' reservation at Tao Las Vegas Saturday night made sure to tell management to "not serve her any alcohol and to not put drink menus on the table," a restaurant insider says. The blond-wigged pop princess was "very pleasant to staff" and dined on dumplings and sushi - and drank only Diet Pepsi and iced tea.
At Sundance, JANE magazine asked a bunch of celebs "What's your crime?" Here are a few of their answers:
We just have a few short corrections.
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We confess, we were still slightly hungover tired this morning when we picked up our copy of the New York Post, which could explain why the severity of this news is only just hitting us now. But according to those tireless and never-wrong Page Sixers, Renee Zellweger is knocking boots with Dylan "Sideburns" McKay:
NEW couple alert: Renee Zellweger is cruising on a "90210" cast member. The "Miss Potter" star went out with Luke Perry Thursday night. Seated at an intimate table at the Sunset Tower hotel's Tower Bar restaurant, they were "definitely on a date," said our L.A. spy. "They both looked super-skinny. He was looking very grungy - baggy jeans, lumberjack flannel shirt and baseball cap. She had on a white button-down shirt, glasses and striped pants. They were talking very closely and rubbing knees."
Wow, good ol' Luke Perry, best known for his performance as a late-20's chain-smoker playing a moody high school teen on Beverly Hills 90210. This is definitely the weirdest rumored pairing of the day, with Lindsay Lohan and Joe Francis following at a close second. But with all this love (and 90210 nostalgia) in the air , when is someone, anyone, finally going to realize that Brandon Walsh is only 4 feet tall?
Seems like every time we go to the drugstore these days, we're bombarded with glossy celebrity weeklies shouting unsubstantiated rumors about Hollywood's finest. Seriously, we're not there to check out pics of Britney's vagina or Nicole's DUI, we're just trying to fill our prescription and get something to finally relieve that awful itching, burning—well, you get the point.
What we're trying to say is, when exactly did all of this obsession with celebrity culture really begin? Well, we've been racking our brains (and brushing up on the latest issue of the Christian Science Monitor) and voila! We've finally figured it out.
People aren't reading about Paris Hilton's venereal diseases or the Justin/Cameron breakup because they're interested. It's just their crazy way of coping from all the residual post-traumatic stress left over from 9/11! As the CSM reports:
Focusing on all things celebrity is also a form of release for many people. Ken Baker, West Coast executive editor for "US Weekly" magazine, looks back to Sept. 11 as a pivotal point, the dawn of a supposed new age of sincerity.
"[Readers] didn't go away from escaping. They embraced escaping," says Mr. Baker. "I'm not a sociologist, I'm a celebrity journalist. I don't know its cause and effect. I don't know if you can tie it to 9/11, but that's when our business took off."
And, besides the self-confessed 'un-expert,' CSM offers us even more evidence of this iron-clad cause-and-effect theory: celebrity journalism is "one of the few sectors not being hammered by the Internet."
Ahh, we knew there was a reason that exploitive celebrity crap was so damn successful! Because really, as a society, we're not actually so stupid as to think American Idol actually passes for decent entertainment. We're just trying to escape from our preemptive fears about the next wave of terrorist attacks. And so, to recap, we've broken down a quick list to remind you exactly who (or what) is really behind some of your favorite celebrity mags/shows:
Us Weekly: The terrorists.
Dirt: Axis of Evil.
Star Magazine: Al-Qaeda
In Touch: 9/11.
PerezHilton: Osama bin Laden.
And there you have it.
Lake Superior State University just released its annual list of words that should be banned from the English language. Unsurprisingly, "combined celebrity names" were singled out as a high-ranking offender, citing such irritating testimonials as Brangelina, Vaughniston, and yes, even Bennifer.
But while certain over-used celebrity couple monickers ought to be retired (R.I.P., Spederline), others are just taking off and not quite annoying enough to warrant a full-out boycott. Yet.
For instance, while the ubiquitous TomKat has already enjoyed it's time in the sun, the catchy "MadRich" (for Joel Madden and Nicole Richie) still has a few miles left before the couple splits up name gets old. Below are a few celeb pairings, complete with suggested nicknames and a sentence-writing guide to help ensure proper usage.
Jessica Simpson + John Mayer = JessMay
Used in a sentence: A bunch of partygoers threw up in their mouths after witnessing JessMay lock lips on New Year's Eve.
Kate Hudson + Owen Wilson = Kato
Used in a sentence: Goldie Hawn celebrated Thanksgiving with Kato this year, marking the first time in several years that she was able to serve mashed sweet potatos, pumpkin pie, and honeyed yams without worrying which foods would get stuck in Chris Robinson's beard.
Carrie Underwood + Tony Romo = Cartony
Used in a sentence: Surprisingly, the media has already taken an interest in Cartony, despite the fact that no one cares about Carrie Underwood.
Jay-Z + Beyonce = B-Jay
Used in a sentence: At the recent NYC premiere of Dreamgirls, 50 Cent upstaged B-Jay (and pissed off Matthew Knowles) by getting gunned down in front of the legendary Ziegfeld theater.
Oprah Winfrey + Stedman Graham + Gayle King = GayinSted
Used in a sentence: In a further effort to confuse the tabloids, GayinSted announces plans to move in together.
Woody Allen + Scarlett Johanssen = LetWoody
Used in a sentence: LetWoody agrees to host a Q&A following their successes with Scoop and Match Point; refuses to answer any questions about the "casting couch."
Regular people: They're just like celebrities! Remember when Charlize Theron announced she and Stuart Townsend would get married only when the gays have the same right? And Brad Pitt said something similar about his relationship with Angelina Jolie, partly to end speculation of a ring ceremony, partly to stand up for GLBT rights?
Turns out regular folks are making the same committment — and it's going unreported! Reports the always-timely NYT Styles section:
Whether it makes sense or not, some heterosexual couples, mostly in their in 20s and 30s, are protesting the inability of gay and lesbian couples to marry by putting off their own marriage. Unless wedded bliss is available to everyone, in every state, they say, they want no part of it.
Well, at least until the girlfriend lands a job with those glittery things called health benefits, anyway.
Because everybody who has ever thought of anything has intentionally or unintentionally stolen it from someone else, why should Jennifer Lopez be exempt? The recently low-lying former fly girl has been accused of lifting the idea for her shitty show South Beach to make some extra pocket change while the UPN is still in existence.
A television writer has filed a lawsuit saying Jennifer Lopez and UPN stole his idea for a series based on his move from Brooklyn to Miami and involvement with the modeling and nightclub scenes.
Jack Bunick's lawsuit claims "South Beach," a TV series executive-produced by Lopez that debuted Jan. 11 on UPN, mirrors a script he wrote in 1999 for a pilot episode of a show that would have been called "South Beach Miami."
Just one quick question: why would anyone actually admit to coming up with the idea for the worst show ever? That's like bragging that someone stole your blueprints for Chernobyl's power station.
Writer Sues J-Lo, UPN for Stealing TV Idea [AP via Fox]
ABC just can't stop launching sitcoms, can they? In attempt to find something that won't be pulled off the air after one episode, the network will introduce their new show called "Let's Rob Mick Jagger."
Down on his luck, the janitor sees a celebrity on television wallowing in his wealth during a tour of his new Manhattan penthouse. Enlisting a crew of similar ordinary but frustrated accomplices, the janitor conceives a plot to rob the big shot's apartment, a story line that would unfold over a 24-episode television season.
The question was: Who could the celebrity be? "
Obviously, they came up with Mick Jagger … because the New York Times told you the name of the show already. (Sorry, but in situations like this it's hard to decide whether to make fun of the article or the article's subject. We'll try for both.)
Especially when after explaining how thrilled the producers were to land Mick Jagger (was it because he was so rockin' at the Super Bowl?) they then go back and say, "well, he probably won't stay with the show very long."
If ABC does order the series, Mr. Jagger is expected to appear regularly, though not in every episode. "We'll work around his schedule," Mr. Burnett said.
Most likely Mr. Jagger's participation will end, one reason the title will almost surely not end up "Let's Rob Mick Jagger."
Can't they just call it "let's rob Megan McCafferty?" We think people would much rather watch a Harvard "prodigy" at work copying and pasting than any show these ABC dumb shits could think up.
Mick Jagger Joins a New ABC Sitcom [Bill Carter, New York Times]
• We shudder to think of celebrities confessing their first kiss stories to Lloyd Grove. [Lowdown]
• While Katie Holmes is locked in the basement, Tom Cruise is running around Kanye West's Grammy party, shouting "we want prenup." What a gem. [Page Six]
• The thing about male EICs is that they eat. Graydon Carter, Peter Kaplan, and their media elite circles dined at different booths at Elaine's over the weekend. [Page Six]
• You know things are really, really, rock bottom bad when you're asking Courtney Love for help. [Gatecrasher]
• Britney Spears shows that her intelligence isn't the only thing easily likened to Ana Nicole Smith. [Star]
