• In the midst of all the "Britney Goes Bonkers" and Lindsay Cokehands madness, Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams quietly and amicably decide they just weren't ready for the responsibilities of a pretend-marriage.

• Find out what celebrities are really thinking about. And no, the answer's not (always) "nothing."

• Nicole Kidman admits to wanting a baby of her own ever since she was 17. Which is actually rather strange! Especially considering her initial choice of sperm donor.

• Anne Hathaway shows us why she glows in the dark.

• Class act Gisele Bundchen spends $1,000 buying luxury baby clothes passive aggressive baby "gifts" for her new boyfriend's ex-girlfriend when a simple but straightforward "Suck it! He's with me" card would have cost her only $2.99.

• Lil Kim misses her jail cell so much she just might come back and pay it a small visit.

• Only days after finding God, Paris Hilton is already looking forward to her spiritual reawakening/out of jail Vegas bash.

• Ryan Phillippe's little girl is growing up so fast. In fact, she already looks just like that gorgeous actress he cheated on.

• Bobby Brown is still convinced that deranged Whitney fan Osama Bin Laden is out to get him.

• Meanwhile, the Butterscotch Stallion rides his mountain bike all the way Scores.

• Also, when Anne Heche isn't flirting with every girl in sight, she's draping herself over Ethan Hawke.

• Dermot Mulroney is officially done being married to actress Catherine Keener. But he still plans to watch her edgy indy flicks religiously on DVD.

Apparently unaccustomed to rejection, Elisabeth Hasselbeck is like the awkward ex who just can't admit that things aren't working out.

You know the type. At first, you tried to let her down easy, saying things like, 'you're a great person but I just don't think we have that much in common.' When that didn't work, you resorted to some hard-line tactics, i.e. childish name calling, screaming and yelling at her in a public forum, bluntly informing her that the relationship can't be salvaged and telling her you're looking to 'phase her out' of your life.

And still, those Hasselbecks keeps chirping away to anyone who will listen, claiming the two of you are "trying to work it out," reminding everyone of your long, complicated history together and generally refusing to accept that things are really and truly over.

Kind of like Hasselbeck's utter refusal to accept Rosie's latest blog entry, which could easily have been titled, "Hey Elizabeth—let's not be friends. Like, ever."

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After yesterday's well-received foray into the courtroom drama, we've decided to offer you a momentary respite from your grueling day [Ed: of pretending to work] with another entertaining legal snippet.

Today's installment revolves around Anne Heche's messy custody battle with her soon-to-be ex-husband, Coleman Laffoon (his real name!) Heche, best known for dating Ellen DeGeneres and having a crazy nervous breakdown, doesn't pull any punches, going for Laffoon's jugular with charges that he's less "stay-at-home dad" and more "unemployed porn freak."

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• American Idol judge Paula Abdul slips, falls flat on her face and breaks her schnozz. Before you laugh, remeber: this could happen to you. Or at least to those of you who imbibe.

• Bill Maher to homosexuals: "Forget civil rights, just make gayness a religion. I mean, you're kneeling anyway."

• Al Gore is, was and always will be sexy. (And boring).

• Fugs & Jugs are back on again! Apparently she missed his shaggy hair and maudlin guitar music while he couldn't stay away from her giant flotation devices.

• CNN: "New pill aims to stop women's periods." Which would kind of put a damper on that whole sexual reproduction thing.

If you haven't heard this, stop what you're doing and have a listen. Yep, that's Alec Baldwin, evidently angry because his "rude little pig" of a daughter had the audacity to have her phone turned off when he attempted to call and check in.

Now, purportedly, the voicemail was leaked to TMZ by Kim Basinger, mother of said twelve year old pig and Alec's soon-to-be ex-wife.

But, we actually think the message is rather refreshing! After all, it's so much nicer when people say what they really mean instead of whitewashing it with bullshit like "Oh, I guess you're not in. Rats. I'll just try you again later." normal.

Next up: A second leaked voicemail in which "The Pig" really pushes Alec's buttons by choosing her "BFF Julie" over Dad in a call-waiting war.

Condaleezza Rice stunned us yesterday by admitting her partiality for the Fox News network, and now—in another shocking announcement—we've learned that Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz have abruptly ended their passionate love affair.

They've issued the following statement to clear up any rumors that might be surrounding their split:

It has always been our preference not to comment on the status of our relationship but, out of respect for the time we've spent together, we feel compelled to do so now, in light of recent speculation and the number of inaccurate stories that are being reported by the media.

We have, in fact, ended our romantic relationship, and have done so mutually and as friends, with continued love and respect for one another.

Wait a minute, the media has been reporting inaccurate stories about them? Man, this is just like the time the mainstream media printed all those inaccurate stories about Iraq and caused us to lose that damn Iraq war!**

Seriously someone really ought to commend them for their maturity and civility in this obviously difficult time. Except, on further inspection, the statement doesn't really clear up any of those inaccuracies at all! In fact, it doesn't even address rumors about how Justin went behind Cam's back to bang Scarlett Jo in his next music video even after she screamed at him for eating in her presence! All we really know is, well, they're not together anymore. Which, we gotta confess, we kinda already suspected.

**according to the conservative "crazies."

Remember back in January of 2001 when Jason Kidd pled guilty to slapping his wife, Joumana, over some sort of crazy, french fry-related dispute? Well, that pales in comparison to the allegations Kidd makes about Joumana in the divorce papers that hit the presses today.

Among other things, Kidd is accusing Joumana of having 'pulled a Naomi Campbell,' charging that she frequently punched, kicked and threw "household objects" at him over the course of nearly ten years of marriage. The muscular 6-foot-4, 210-pound all-star was, evidently, rendered defenseless against such tactics, and he asserts that Joumana's cruelty knew no bounds:

According to the court papers, Joumana's "extreme cruelty" toward Kidd has included trying to make him look bad in front of the children by talking trash about his career - not to mention tossing paint on his beloved golf clubs.

Paint? On his clubs? But wait, there's more!

Six days earlier, according to the papers, an irate Joumana sat on the hood of Kidd's car and refused to budge, preventing him from getting to practice.

So to review, Joumana turned ordinary household products (like dishsoap?) into deadly airborne missiles, defaced a "beloved" 9-iron, and forcibly prevented Kidd from showing up to practice on time.

Yep, we'd have slapped the bitch too, Jason. Now, continue having one of your best seasons ever and go find yourself avictims support group.

It's early Wednesday morning, and already rumors are swirling that Claire Danes cheated on boyfriend/actor Billy Crudup a week before the couple officially split. (The two, as we all know, have been together for the past three years now, ever since Crudup ditched his then-7-months-preggers girlfriend, Mary-Louise Parker, to shack up with the My So-Called Life star).

Well, we're not exactly crying for Crudup with this breaking development, but apparently Danes scores double points for nailing someone who plays for "the other team." Her partner in crime has been identified as British actor Hugh "Nancy" Dancy, who witnesses pegged as an equal-opportunity flirt:

According to the source, they shared a bed "with the door two feet ajar, and everybody listening" in his suite at the swanky hotel where the cast was staying while filming "Evening" in Newport, R.I.

But horny Hugh didn't limit his attention to the ladies.

"The cast was pretty much drunk every night," says the snitch. "Hugh also made out with [screenwriter] Michael Cunningham in the lobby."

Plus, he was seen snogging the gay hotel manager, who lost his job.

Wow, hats off to you, Claire! Scoring an illicit hotel-room romp with known homosexual after he drunkenly made out with the now-fired hotel manager! Hope you enjoyed the fling, and we wish you the best of luck in promptly finding another new boyfriend to steal.

Last week was, as always, another dizzying frenzy of gossip and media-related news. We gave you our up-to-the-minute take, but we're far more interested in your reactions. Please continue to send us your comments, and every Monday we'll recap the burning issues and a sampling of your "colorful" responses in "Hot Topics."

Issue: The View reportedly hiring Sherri Shepherd to fill Bridezilla's XXL Size-Zero shoes.
You said: "If she does get hired on, let's hope she won't get get gastric bypass, grow into an alien, and marry some gay dude in a tacktastic wedding."

Issue: Marilyn Manson and Dita Von Teese to divorce, ending their freakishly pale marriage after only 1 year.
You said: "Too bad…I was looking forward to their albino baby pictures."

Issue: The predictable cancellation of Geraldo Rivera's boring news show.
You said: "Screw Geraldo, it looks like he has poo on his lip."

Issue: Despite a recent decline in pornographic sales, "Granny's Gangbang" flies off the rack.
You said: "Dude, I heard Hauslaib's grandma is a GILF."

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