"It's over," the tabloid quoted Winehouse as saying. "There's no way back for us now. It was never going to last. We were only together for sex." And, according to one of her pals, also quoted by the newspaper, it wasn't ordinary sex. "Just like they were with drugs, they pushed themselves to the limit," said the unnamed friend. "They were into threesomes. It was Blake's idea, but Amy said she'd been with women before so it wasn't a problem. And the pair of them were into some real kinky stuff, not just the usual bondage and sex games but really gross stuff you couldn't mention in a newspaper."-[Page Six]

Whoa, did you know that Angelina does not employ a PR person or an agent in her entire staff, so that when it came time to do that People cover spread with her brood, she negotiated the terms herself? And that those pictures sold for more money than any other baby cover in existence?

That's like deciding against an attorney when you are up for the death penalty, and walking away scot-free, with an extra $14 million and a promise that everything written about you in the future had to be positive.

O.J. would have been so lucky.

Look, Being Jean Claude Van Damme looks like a pretty good film: sort of like a Charlie Kaufman meets John Woo kind of deal.

And everyone loves an actor who has the sense of humor to play an old, washed-up version of themselves (looking at you, Bruce Campbell!)

But there seems a little something, um, offputting about Jean Claude in this recent interview with Newsweek about the film. Either it's some very good viral marketing for his character as a confused old guy, or the language barrier is still a major problem(?) for Van Damme.

Or the dude is nuts. See below for the best interview answer ever.

CONTINUED »

It's conflicting to feel sorry for celebs who can't even go on a Starbucks run without getting invaded by the paparazzi. On the one hand, you can see how this annoyance would become something more resembling an occupational hazard, and how they chose this life for themselves and have more money than god, on the other hand, who wants to sequester themselves up in their own personal Xanadu while waiting for one of their hangers-on to bring them a skinny venti mocha?

But somehow, the plight seems even more distinct when you hear about it through the eyes of our new president-elect, Barack Obama. Because whoa, the secret service surrounding this guy sounds insane, as it should be. It's not like there aren't hundreds of crazy racist meth-addled fanatics even right now trying to think of someway to dispose of our first African-American president.

But it sucks that Obama can't even go for a haircut in his hometown of Hyde's Park anymore. And it's certainly putting a crimp on his and Michelle's love life.

CONTINUED »

Kanye once again landed himself in trouble with the authorities because of an altercation with a photog trying to take his picture at a London club. At this point, it should just be legal to arrest Kanye whenever there are cameras around, because boy does that dude love to hulk the fuck out at airports and clubs.

On the other hand, after Kanye was arrested at the Gateshead Hilton, the cops let him go uncharged, because yes, if you had flashing lights in your face all day and those terrifying pests from TMZ hounding you 24/7, you deserve a medal for not killing someone, eventually.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, indeed: during last night's screening of Brad Pitt's newest film, a security guy got a little grabby with the star in attempt to save him from all those non-famous people trying to take his picture.

And of course Brad, suave as ever, just sort of brushed the incident aside:

"Though they were exceptionally more aggressive than usual," Pitt describes the paparazzi to PEOPLE, "breaking through a security barrier and into a private holding area, ultimately [it was] just another day in the life…"

Ah yes, just another day in the life of Brad Pitt, poor guy. Always getting treated like a piece of meat with 10 or so adopted children and the most bangin' girlfriend in the world.

Here we go again. A regular feature film about pornography hired some authentic porn stars in the interest of realism and media outlets are now trying yet again to convince people that porn is penetrating the mainstream. This is more tiresome than an all day gang bang.

Like Boogie Nights before it, Kevin Smith's Zack and Miri Make a Porno features a couple porn actresses in bit parts, leading flagging newspaper The LA Times to run this headline: "Porn stars are the new crossover artists." Salacious! And also: misleading. Because people have been saying this for years despite the fact that very little evidence supports the claim.

CONTINUED »

Britney Spears was in New York this week, and traveled all the way up to the Bronx to visit some schoolchildren and sign autographs. Because someone decided to name a music room in a middle school after Britney. Awww! But also, whoops for that school.

Unfortunately, Britney arrived upstate (the Bronx is upstate) on Tuesday, which meant it was Rosh Hashanah, which meant school were closed, which meant Britney was all like "question mark???"

So Britney's handlers thought fast and led Britney inside the empty school, only to have her reemerge several minutes later to find a group of kids from a neighboring playground or something properly bowled over by the popstress. But um, some of these "kid quotes" sound awfully manufactured:

CONTINUED »

According to Janet Jackson's rep, the singer "got suddenly ill during the sound check" before a concert last night in Montreal, resulting in a trip to the hospital:

CONTINUED »

Though Los Angeles magazine was, and likely never will be, to Hollywood what New York magazine is to New York City, it's been trying its darnedest to play a role is the lives of Los Angelenos and the culture wars at large. Interesting, then, about a rumor we're hearing: The magazine will no longer use celebrities on the cover.

This is interesting because, well, Los Angeles is the city of celebrities, so they would abandon the natural resource in its own backyard. Also, celebrities help sell magazines; even titles that have nothing to do with celebs put them on their cover, hoping to generate buzz and some newsstand.

But Los Angeles might be bucking the trend. So either they really don't care what their newsstand numbers look like, or they're making a subtle declaration that, "Hey, Los Angeles just isn't about celebrities!" And indeed they might be right. Agents, publicists, managers, and attorneys are people too.

There once was an innocent time in the celebrity industry, where actual D-list stars were bumped up from their status of hangers-on and has-beens by a new crop of attention whores: reality television cast members.

That innocent time was upon us not even a decade ago. And now it's been threatened, nearly to extinction, but another underclass: the microfamous. This class of cewebrities is composed of MySpace celebrities (who get their own reality TV shows), YouTube stars (who get their own cable network deals), and blog boldfacers (who get their own magazine deals, then lose them).

Rex Sorgatz, who had his own bout of microfame, now provides a handy how-to guide to becoming one of them, a primer that should be treated like those nuclear bomb building guidebooks circulating the Internet: buried at all costs.

You may not look like Angelina Jolie, but now—thanks to USA Today—you too can have an annoying 'celebrity' couples' moniker! Simply clink on the link above and enter in the name of yourself and your equally nonfamous paramour. (Sorry, no singletons allowed!)

Anyway, it's lots of fun, until you realize:

(a) A monkey—or, in this case, a very simple computer program—could come up with these names
(b) You've actually always hated the nicknames "TomKat" and "Brangelina."
(c) If you were going to copy anything about these people (which, obvi, you're not) it would probably be their six country estates, eighteen cars and that "awesome plasma tv in the bathroom" you saw on their MTV Cribs.

Either that or you'll adopt enough third-world kids to start a soccer team.

• Someone is finally suing Tom Cruise's doctor. Didn't we learn about not taking "magic pills" from strangers after Jack and the Beanstalk? [Page Six]

• Celebrity divorce is even messier when the public takes sides. We, however, will be siding with Jessica Simpson on this one. Until Nick Lachey can bribe us with VIP section entrance to Pacha that is. [Lowdown]

• One benefit to Foxy Brown's hearing loss is that she can't hear the Bendel's clerks whispering about her. [Page Six]

• What's almost as good as the twelve days of Christmas? The twelve music videos of Death Cab for Cutie. (And we thought that was just our name for David riding around in traffic this morning). [NYDN]