"Price-cutting and other marketing strategies widely used by the tobacco and alcoholic beverage industries are highly effective in encouraging children and teenagers to smoke and drink," declares today's New York Times.

And while experts advocate decreasing the number of alcohol and cigarette ads geared towards adolescents, they also acknowledge peer pressure, hormones and "that incredibly nicotine high" as other risk factors, concluding that teen drinking will likely prevail so long as "the 'popular' kids keep throwing those raging keggers."

If you had a life threatening medical emergency and had your choice between a white and a black doctor, which would you choose? Or, how about your house was burning down, would you want your FDNY rescuer to have skin that needs to be loaded with SPF to keep from burning, or skin touched by the sun?

Wait, don't answer! According to a federal compliant filed against the city by the U.S. Department of Justice – they're not messing around – you, the average house fire victim, won't have much opportunity to make that choice, since just 3 percent (335 of the city's 11,000 firefighters) are black. As Stereohyped informed us, allegedly, this little statistic is a result of institutionalized racism among our city's finest, which is accused of illegally using written tests to qualify entry-level applicants.

Turns out, the ability to complete analogies isn't required for putting out a blaze.

After the jump, test your race-based firefighting knowledge!

CONTINUED »

• Turns out when Al Gore's not being boring, he's busy laughing at Diane Sawyer.

• Not only is the NYO "New York City's newest real estate read," it's also a disconcertingly metrosexual shade of salmon.

• Take a tip from Conrad Black and charge that pricey Park Ave mansion on your corporate card. Then fill the guest quarters with gold coins (bought with company cash, of course) and swim in it until Scrooge McDuck sues you for copyright infringement.

• Some XM radio subscribers are not getting their daily fill of Howard Stern.

• CBS Responds to Jericho Fans: We'll Let You Know How It Would Have Ended. Related: MacGyver fans petition to find out how the handy outdoorsman would have fared post-mullet.

According to today's Page Six, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are in uproar over a case of identity theft…with a twist.

A blond-haired, blue-eyed fashion student, who claims to be a virgin, has changed her name to Katee Holmes and is launching a porn career in which she'll be deflowered in her first movie…

Holmes' camp is weighing her possible recourse. A friend of Katie told us, "It's really kind of sleazy, using her name like that."

A spokeswoman for Cruise said, "Obviously, Tom would support Katie in anything she decides to do about it."

Naturally, the real Katie Holmes is said to be extremely offended by this unsolicited "tribute."

When reached for comment, a disgusted Holmes reportedly branded her namesake an "opportunistic hussy," then waved to the paparazzi and marched into her brand new mansion to simulate sexual relations with her famous movie star husband.

May 8, 2007 (Memo from Bill Keller to NYT staff: Jill Abramson was in an accident)

Jill Abramson was involved in a traffic accident this morning, and is in the emergency ward at Bellevue Hospital. She is conscious (in fact, she managed to be both funny and stoic through her morphine haze, so the essential Jill seems to be intact) but she has a badly broken leg and is being checked for other injuries…Will keep you posted.

May 9, 2007: (NYP: Page Six update, "no one did anything illegal")

These are trying times for New York Times Managing Editor Jill Abramson. The highest-ranking woman in the Times' newsroom, she was rushed to Bellevue Hospital after a private sanitation truck ran over her foot in Midtown yesterday morning. She was crossing at the intersection of West 54th Street and Seventh Avenue just as the garbage hauler was making a right turn. Cops tell us no one did anything illegal and the driver won't be charged.

May 22, 2007: (NY Sun: "Times Editor Sues Truck Driver Over Broken Foot")

CONTINUED »

• Drew Carey tips the bartender at STK $100 for every Amstel Light. Not because she was hot, but because she was "really, really good" at opening the bottles.

• Lindsay Lohan confuses vodka with Poland Spring. Again.

• Kid Rock refuses to be in the same room as Pam Anderson, for fear of catching hepatitis chlamydia.

• Newly single Jennifer Esposito and her "Eurotrash boy-toy" forget to pay the bill at Alta. Or else they did pay, but someone else stole it really, really fast. Either way, ex-fiance Bradley Cooper's gloating.

• "Method Man getting arrested for possessing 28 grams of marijuana is kind of like Diddy getting caught leaving Sienna Miller’s hotel room. Not surprising at all."

• Cameron Diaz showed a flash of originality aureola on Ellen earlier this week.

• Britney Spears refused to talk to her mother on "Mama's Day."

• These photos prove beyond all reasonable doubt that Jessica Alba is much, much hotter than you.

• Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" video (ironically!) made us tear up.

• Ashton Kutcher selfishly covers The Hotness by donning a Unibomber beard.

Calling all fashion models with rampant eating disorders! (Yeah, we're talking to you, Fatty!)

In perhaps the most ingenious marketing campaign ever, Bumpkin restaurant has extended an open invitation to all the starving models out there—and has generously offered to foot their dinner bill.

The promotion will doubtlessly attract tons of publicity for the trendy Notting Hill restaurant, and prove extremely cost-effective, given the tiny sliver of the population to whom the offer applies.

Because, naturally, rich fashionistas—who cringe at the very thought of eating—will flock to the Bad Food Capital of the World for the irresistible chance to gorge themselves on greasy, heavy, meals that are as rich in taste as they are in caloric content, carbohydrates and trans-fats!

Better still, the ensuing shame, self-hatred and post-meal purge are also on the house.

Thought you'd heard the last of the skinny models debate? Well, you ain't heard nothing until you've heard perma-crazy Janice Dickinson's rantings.

Dickinson, who makes American Idol's Paula Abdul look like Miss Manners by comparison, "weighs in" on the underweight debate, proclaiming that thin is in…and the rexier the better. She explains what she's looking for in new recruits to her Los Angeles modeling agency:

"I'm dying to find kids who are too thin. I've got 42 models in my agency and I'm trying to get them to lose weight. In fact, I wish they'd come down with some anorexia." When you laugh at such politically incorrect statements, Dickinson yells back, "I'm not kidding. I'm running into a bunch of fat-assed, lazy little bitches who don't know how to do the stairs or get their butts into the gym."

But Dickinson doesn't stop. In fact, she even goes so far as to bash a perfect 10 model for having a "big, wide, low-slung ass." Her recommended remedy? "She's gotta do some stairs. She's gotta do lunges. She's gotta have sex on top. Anything to get her ass off the back of her knee-caps."

And when she's not offering execise advice, Janice is emphasizing the staples of a "model" diet.

Models are supposed to be thin. They're not supposed to eat. In fact, I'm not going to eat for the rest of the day because we had this conversation.

Phew, good thing down-to-earth realist Scientologist Victoria "Posh" Beckham has decided to ban size-zeros from her upcoming collection.

It was Tyrese who finally gave us the three-is-a-trend verification when it came to celebrity domestic abuse allegations. (The first and second gift givers: sportscaster Jim Lampley and DJ El Cucuy). Now comes word (as always, via TMZ) that we're on the cusp of the latest celebrity trend: houses burning down.

First it was Lost star Evangeline Lily (pictured), whose house in Hawaii burned to a crisp. And now today arrives news that Suzanne Somers home in Malibu now more closely resembles her fried bangs. That's two celeb homes taken by flames, which can only mean one thing: it's just a matter of days before a third B-lister loses their sancutary from the paparazzi they court.

So who's it going to be? Kristin Cavallari is an instant shoe-in, and Tara Conner would make Donald Trump's day. We'd hope for a headline-making Angelina Jolie extra-crispy incident, but does that woman even live in a house these days, or a traveling caravan of orphans? The comments section is where you make your guesses, winners.

[Photo: Flynet]

Andrea Peyser is not happy. Well, not that she ever is happy, but today she is freakin' livid. Like pissed off. At Madonna, of all people. The least controversial subject in the universe. She is angry because the material media whore went and grabbed up a baby from Africa … a baby who had a family and didn't really need hers. Except for the whole money thing.

Days ago, she lined up 12 African boys - tots hand-selected for her perusal. She picked out a 1-year-old, David, to take home in her luggage.

Well guess what? The boy selected in this freakish slave auction is no AIDS orphan. He's got a biological father, plus a granny - but was placed in an orphanage after his mother died. His family loves him. They just can't afford him.

If Madonna possessed a speck of sanity or shame, she would write a generous check. Instead, the boy's father says he is thrilled at the prospect of a wealthy American carting off his progeny.

Madonna should nail herself on her crucifix - for real, this time.

Uhh, what? Did Peyser really just say that? We get that what Madonna did was a pretty shallow publicity stunt … we don't even have a problem with Peyser calling her a whore. But when she starts suggestions celebrities kill themselves via means of sacrificial religious ceremonies, we have to draw the line.

SHAMELESS STAR BUYS AN AFRICAN SOUVENIR [Andrea Peyser, New York Post]

• Tara Reid tells Us Weekly she will "never be perfect again." There are so many things wrong with that statement we don't even know where to begin. [Us]

• When Eliot Mintz was just a boy, do you think he dreamed of the shit show that is now his life? Eh, probably. [Mollygood]

• Mel Gibson has not gone out and tagged swastikas all over LA in 65 whole days. [AP]

• We always knew Vince Vaughn wasn't cut out for "relationships." He's already been spotted rebounding with a bottle of peroxide. [Page Six]

• Jon Friedman discovers Jon Stewart. He's funny! He has this really great comic timing! We're so grateful we have Friedman to point these things out for us. We would've never known there was just a funny, funny man out there. [Market Watch]

• Paris Hilton claims she's getting a restraining order against Shanna Moakler. The entire world curses the fact that Moakler won't be able to kick her ass again. [Star]

• People who never knew John Lennon, who weren't alive when he died, and who don't even know the difference between him and Ringo celebrated his birthday today. We're sure he wouldn't have found anything superficial or cliche about it. [AP]

• So, the neighbors surrounding the Dr. Phil House full of crack addicts and crazies aren't pleased? Not even Dr. Phil himself would be able to explain that one. [TMZ]

• Despite everyone under the sun screaming about dropping ad sales all year, it turns out magazines actually sold some advertisements. Not too sure about copies, but, they sold ads. [Craine's]

• "Diane Sawyer" and "fucking harder than anyone" gets strung into one congruent sentence. And Brian Stetler blows his load. [FBNY]

Isn't it nice to see the young stars getting involved in politics? Adam Brody shows college students in Ohio why the Democratic party has no fucking chance by joining Sherrod Brown and Brody's future self, Luke Perry on a campus tour.

"I fear this government," Perry said. "It is important to make a change. We need to get Congress back to the Democrats or else every last effort will go towards oil, the war and higher tuition."

Brody, a star of the Fox series, The O.C., urged students to vote in the upcoming election.

"You are no longer the future, you are the present," he told students.

It would be preferable to see pictures of celebs voting at the voting booths, but … whatever. At least he wasn't wearing a freakin' Vote or Die t-shirt.

50-State Turnout Turns Out the Stars [The Democratic Party via Pink is the New Blog]

We don't know what we're more confused about: this mysterious Ad Age "Freeloader" or the fact that we thought we knew who the only four reporters invited to this coushy/douchey "Hearst is amazing!" party last night.

But Ad Age does have a few little bits about the event. Who was there (Oprah, Richard Johnson, Helen Gurley Brown, Mayor Bloomberg); what they ate (pizza, curried chicken, and shellfish served by Ann Hathaway's stunt double); and which rival pubs showed up (Conde Nast).

And apparently some people were under the impression that this was a big, fabulous event.

Outside on Eighth Avenue, uninvited onlookers leaned on police barriers, asking what the party was about and who was inside. One was said to flash her breasts to a police officer in an unsuccessful bid to get in. "New York!" another yelled, apparently just pleased with the spectacle.

Yawn. Sounds like that party really sucked. We are so glad we had the "we weren't invited" excuse so we could stay home and watch Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.

Hearst Officially Unveils Its Contribution to New York's Skyline [Ad Age]

• C’mon did it ever occur to the police that Jadakiss and his buddies were gathering all those guns to fight crime? No? [HipHopGame]

• Pete Doherty: Diary of a Celebrity Crackhead. [Ananova]

• Oh God. At this point, does anyone even care if Madonna actually adopted an African baby? It's not even supposed to be about her. It's supposed to be about bringing attention to whatever that place she's in. [Page Six]

• Unlike Paris Hilton and her home videos, Jay-Z and Def Jam are taking the leak of his single very seriously. [AllHipHop]

• While we crazy Americans may have gotten used to Slayer and their crazily offensive lyrics, some folks in India may not be so cool with them. [Idolator]

• Wait — first of all, how does Leif Garrett even get into any clubs these days? [Page Six]

• Joan Crawford was like the Paris Hilton of the 1930's … only with talent and movie roles. Ok, fine. Really the only similarity is the crabs. [Page Six]

• The real question is: did People and In Touch pay for Anna Nicole Smith to buy her Bahamian citizenship? [Scoop]

• Every time a drag queen hits on Penelope Cruz, another Halloween costume concept is born. [R&M]

• Supporting Jon Stewart for president is a sign of how pathetic our current administration is. According to Jon Stewart … and his secret team of campaign managers. [AP]

• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie could face charges after their bodyguard tried to strangle a photographer in India. We guess "supporting poor children in India" isn't one of Brangelina's top priorities. [Us]

• Annie Leibovitz shows us a side of her we never actually wanted to see.

• Yes, Bill O'Reilly gets invited to parties. If not many, at least the Fox parties.

• We find out just how sneaky Diane Sawyer can really be.

• Glamour makes it really, really hard to leave the house.

• Despite her visit to Africa, Madonna did not actually go there to adopt a baby. You'd think she would ever follow a trend she didn't actually start?

• We've had many heroes in our lifetime: Maggie Gyllenhaal, Strawberry Shortcake, Matt Drudge … yet, none of them quite compare to Shanna Moakler. She is definitely our number one right now.

• Us Weekly breaks up Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. Since nobody was really buying the whole engagement thing. Except Ken Baker of course. Yeah, literally.

• Who is this Little Miss Seventeen who thinks she has a chance in hell of both trying to sue Atoosa Rubenstein and getting a job in the media industry ever again.

• Jay McInerney officially retires Elaine's and Michael's.

• Betsy Burton jumps New York's ship for the new stellar start-up team of Time.

• The New York Times' Joe Sharkey goes through the hellish experience of being in a plane crash he may or may not have caused. And lives to tell us about it.

• Of course Google is buying YouTube. Up next: Google will also buy Pepsi, the CW, and an African child. [Mediabistro]

• Mel Gibson's publicist insists that he is completely sober and did not have a beer at a bar. Well, we didn't hear any "f'in Jews" comments come out of his mouth, so we know he wasn't drunk. [TMZ]

• Apparently Radar doesn't find a problem with magazine journalists accepting free trips to Istanbul where they ride on yachts and drink champagne. And here we thought they were such media watchdogs. [Radar]

• Harper's Bazaar really goes that extra mile by dressing Natalie Portman up as Audrey Hepburn. How did they ever come up with that? [AP]

• Shockingly, Pittsburgh loves Sienna Miller just as much as she loves them. They'll probably start calling her "stupid whore." (No, it doesn't need to rhyme … they're from Pittsburgh.) [Us]

Oh dear. When is Leslie Sloane Zelnik going to start encouraging her clients to shut up and stop making total asses of themselves? First, Lindsay Lohan told Vanity Fair she was a bulimic drug addict. Then she allows Britney Spears to do a Matt Lauer interview with nappy hair extension, chewing gum, and her bra hanging out.

Now, Sienna Miller does an interview with Rolling Stone, in which she refers to the city of Pittsburgh as "shitsburgh." Lovely, Sienna. And great job, Zelnik! Well, at least she had the foresight (or the PR machine wheel greaser) to send out a letter of apology (full of fun Brit spelling) out before too many people hear about the comments in the first place.

From: Sloane, Leslie [mailto:]

Sent: Friday, October 06, 2006 1:39 PM

Subject: Statement from Sienna Miller

I want to apologise for my comments which seem to have been misconstrued and taken out of context. I was referring to the fact that we are shooting almost all night shoots on this film and none of us have had an opportunity to fully explore the city. What I have seen of it is beautiful. I came once before to visit the Andy Warhol museum whilst researching a film and found both the city and it's inhabitants warm and gracious. My father is from Meadville and is in town to show me round this weekend. I sincerely apologise and hope people realise that conversations can be easily manipulated in print.

Yeah, we can see how saying "we haven't seen this beautiful city during the day" could be construed into "this is a piece of shit city." However, we do far prefer the honestly of the latter.