• Michael Richards is really, really sorry, y'all. Especially to those black people someone keeps making.

• Just when you thought Britney Spears was headed in the right direction with her comeback, she extends her stay on the Paris Hilton train wreck.

• Painful, but true. That's Chad Lowe's thoughts on Hilary Swank revealing in Vanity Fair that her now ex-husband has a little substance problem.

• Nas' ex Carmen Bryan has a new book out, ripe with claims of physical abuse. A sure-fire bookstore seller, no doubt.

• Heidi Klum and Seal welcome a baby boy, planning the event around the Thanksgiving holiday so there's be a fraction of a chance the celeb press might leave them alone.

When the Hilary Swank issue of Vanity Fair arrived bent over in our too-tiny mailbox, the first thing we wondered – What the fuck? – was superseded by a female friend's cooing, "Ooh, that's such a cute bathing suit." Sure, perhaps it was, but what the hell did Hollywood's most awkward looking Oscar winner have to offer? It must've been juicy, since she pushed Sheryl Crow's breakup-with-Lance-Armstrong-and-surviving-breast-cancer item further into the well. And under any normal circumstances – I'm leaving my husband of eight years because he's got a "substance abuse" problem – we might've read the text sandwiched between the photos of Hilary in more cute bikinis. But we didn't. Instead, we read Oprah-hating Bill Robinson's take.

Putting aside the obvious question of who fucking cares, there was the sadder feeling of a two-time Oscar winner ratting out her ex-tv star ex-husband (whom she forgot to thank in her acceptance speech) after dumping him. Why would she do such a graceless, tacky thing? Then it all clicked: she wanted the cover of Vanity Fair. And she got it.

Mystery solved. Now can we get back to the pivotal question: Who fucking cares? This isn't Teri Hatcher talking about her childhood molestation or Linsdsay Lohan sorta admitting she's got a coke and not-eating problem. It's boring ass Swank with a boring ass tale of heartbreak, and we don't even know what the "substance" part of the abuse is.

How To Sell Your Soul for the Cover of Vanity Fair! [Bill Robinson, Huffington Post]

• Today's Lowdown shoots down our earlier report that Jay-Z and Beyonce had wed in Martha's Vineyard over the weekend. A Def Jam spokeswoman confirms they were there but insists they didn't wed — and refuses to comment on whether a wedding was planned for the weekend. [Lowdown]

• Something about the Emmys being announced? [Emmy.org]

• What you missed on Larry King because of those damn North Korean missiles bumped the interview: Part of Kathy Griffin's unhappy marriage to Matthew Moline was his stealing $72k from her bank accounts. [Page Six]

• If Nicky Hilton's pregnant, that's not stopping her from working the stripper pole. [R&M]

• In between exposing Chad Lowe's substance abuse problem, Hilary Swank also calls him a piss poor actor. [People]

• J. Lo: Voodoo vixen. [R&M]

• For Rush Limbaugh, having a bottle of Viagra isn't illegal. It's just embarrassing. [ABC News]

• Thank you to the New York Post for pointing out that Kevin Federline's singing career isn't going anywhere. [Page Six]

• So what if Jude Law slept with the nanny? It's nothing a couple vodka tonics can't cure, right? [People]

• It's not entirely confirmed that Matt Damon's wife going to have a baby girl, but one thing we do know: boy or girl, she'll have a ton of illegitimate Clooney cousins to play with. [Gatecrasher]

• Chad Lowe and Hilary Swank are dunzo. We don't know why, but it was she who filed for divorce. Chad, you could do better. [The Scoop]

• Anderson Cooper may seem like a really nice guy, but he really wants to take spoiled high schoolers, line them up, and shoot them. We agree, but we just don't expect it from journos extrodinaire. [Mollygood]

• Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe call it kaputz. Lowe decided that being married to a horse who could box the shit out of him was losing its appeal. [Insider TV]

• People in Utah are being denied their right to three hours of cowboy on cowboy action. Reason #5,096 we live here. [AP News]

• Prince William brings on the competition for Jake Gyllenhaal via Jarhead. Hoo-rah. [Fox]

• Nick Lachey sues Jessica Simpson — Dateline asks, "is Katie Holmes listening?" [Dateline Hollywood]

• We already know she can change positions. Now Paris Hilton proves she can alter her state of mind as well. [The Scoop]

• At least Arnold Schwarzenegger fell off a motorcycle and not one of those scooter carts Bush was riding around on. [People]