Paris Hilton confuses us, because 90 percent of the time she is an insufferable twit who puts out crappy music and perfume — but then there's that other 10 percent where she's actually slightly funny and seem to be in on the joke.
Insert obligatory Palin reference, after the jump:
According to TV Guide's roster of television stars rolling around naked in $100 bills, Charlie Sheen sits atop the list, earning some $825,000 per episode of Two and a Half Men, a show whose popularity and critical acclaim we do not understand. Among the highest grossing ladies is Mariska Hargitay, who's picking up 400 large per hairstyle change in Law & Order: SVU. But before you find yourself thinking these dollar figures are astounding, inflated, and undeserved, remember that Simon Cowell is picking up $50 million to wear tight shirts on American Idol each season. Meanwhile, consider this: There was once a time when the stars of Friends were each earning $1 million per episode, and Jerry Seinfeld was picking up even more. God, television sucks these days.
Charlie Sheen has apologized to “all [he] obviously offended” by calling his ex-wife, Denise Richards, a “fucking nigger” in a swear-heavy rant he left on her voicemail three years ago. Despite its age, Richards released the recording, in which Sheen also labels her a “fucking cunt,” presumably because she is a spiteful, spiteful person.
Sheen sent out a special acknowledgment to Tony Todd, his black friend, best man for two weddings and THE Candyman. The Two and a Half Men star offered no message of peace to cunts.
Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards were, for four years, married, beginning in 2002 and ending in 2006. The divorce was not pretty. Richards accused Sheen of continued drug and gambling addictions, trolling underage porn sites, and said his crazy beliefs about 9/11 (that the Bush administration could have been involved) were ample reason to give her full custody of their children. Sheen, predictably, fired back, saying Richard's allegations "clearly illustrates the type of harassment, the type of psychological terrorism, the type of mind control I've been subjected to and to have willfully chosen to keep private because that was the deal." And also, that she was making it all up to sabotage his launch of clothing line Sheen Kidz.
Then came the Sheen's accusations that Richards demanded his sperm, and asked his fiance Brooke Mueller to get it for her, to add to their current offspring count of two.
Richards says it's ludicrous, and that the emails Sheen has to back up his story are fakes.
OMG SHUT UP ALREADY, right? Ugh, but also: CONTINUED »
While the Eliot Spitzer beat reporters work to suss out the rest of Clients 1-10, another big name is being brought into the mix: Charlie Sheen. The reformed sitcom star, known for his drug binges that daddy Martin had him arrested for, allegedly enlisted the services of Spitzer's very girl, a then 19-year-old child of privilege Ashley Alexandra Dupre, for a $20,000 romp. Jason "King of all Pimps" Itzler makes the accusation that Dupre worked for him, under the name Victoria, at call girl agency New York Confidential, and dressed up as a cheerleader for her trysts with Sheen. For obvious reasons, the actor's publicist, Stan Rosenfield, calls the allegations bullshit. (So do much of the media.)
Either way, this can't be good for Sheen's just-announced endorsement deal with Hanes.
And for the kicker: On Tuesday night, Conan joked, "Not surprisingly, clients 1 through 8 were Charlie Sheen."
For what it's worth, Charlie Sheen's web moniker "mrjonze55" – which Denise Richards alleged he used to troll porn sites – has a 100% feedback rating on eBay.
C'mon, the guy can't be that bad.
It looks like he's into selling lady's watches and small leather goods. Just like the guy down on Canal. Come to think of it, that guy ain't so bad, either.
Meanwhile, here's some pretty definitive evidence that it is indeed Sheen behind mrjonze55@aol.com: He sends hate mail to people other than his wife.
And lastly, because you've been waiting for it: Charlie's email address pops up on an adult password listing site (probably NSFW) that puts him as a member of Karup's Private Collection (definitely NSFW), a pretty well maintained porn site featuring a variety of girl-on-girl and girl-on-guy spreads.
Say what you will, be that Sheen is a discerning web shopper.
Take away the money, the beauty and the fame, and stars are just as miserable as the rest of us.
The Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen divorce is offering scheudenfreude for anyone who has ever been jealous of her body or his way with prostitutes.
In an email to Richards, Sheen wrote,
You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go [bleep] yourself sad jobless pig.
Talentless? Did Sheen miss the threesome scene in Wild Things? But to be fair, her nose job did turn out a bit piggish.
But Sheen did kindly suggest that Richards seek counsel in her mom and wrote, “cry to your bald mom, you [bleeping] loser." BTdub, Richard’s mom had cancer at the time.
Things might be awkward between Grammy and dad at the next birthday party for the girls.
• Lindsay Lohan is all up in Samantha Ronson's MySpace. The maybe-lezzie tells Ronson, "Babe, if I don't have you in my life then I should just go die. … I want to marry you and have children with you." Congratulations, girls! We hear the newly ordained Tori Spelling is available to oversee the nuptials.
• Diddy leaves a $500 tip on a bottle of vodka. Not because he was objectifying the cocktail waitress so much as because he thought she was "really, really hot."
• Rumor has it Boomer Esiason will be inheriting Don Imus' early-morning radio slot. Insiders say he's definitely got the broadcasting chops, but they're just "not sure he has the jowls."
• Jenna Jameson gives one lucky little girl the opportunity to find happiness and a successful porn career by going under the knife and re-emerging with giant, fake boobies.
• Charlie Sheen is engaged! Bitter ex-wife Denise Richards does her best impression of someone who's "genuinely happy for the two of them."
Earlier today, we told you that TMZ was written up in the NY Times, in a mostly laudatory piece praising Harvey Levin, it's anchor and managing editor, and calling the website "the celebrity handler's worst nightmare."
Memorable quotes from the article included Levin (a former lawyer and investigative reporter) defending site's journalistic integrity, explaining, "We work as hard at breaking a Britney Spears story as NBC would work on breaking a President Bush piece."
And, as a testament to that aforementioned "hard work," here are a couple of screengrabs taken from TMZ's website earlier this morning.
• Jared Leto was "throwing up in the back of his throat" when he made Chapter 27. He claims it was from so many pizzas, but let's not forget he was pulling Lindsay Lohan at the time. [Us]
• And as for the Japanese Britney Spears, well, she begins her inevitable downward spiral as well. [TSG]
• Michael Lohan calls Lloyd Grove to express the fact that he does not play favorites to Lindsay. He would fuck any of his children's stunt doubles. [Lowdown]
• And by "napping" Charlie Sheen means "watching kiddie porn." [Defamer]
Exclusive
News broke in May that Us Weekly was working with the FBI to investigate a rash of hacking into its computer system. The suspect? Former staffer and current paparazzi agency head Jill Ishkanian, who was accused of stealing information about Charlie Sheen. Last month it was revealed Us' systems weren't so secure: not only could Ishkanian access the tabloid's email, but so could the very celebrities the mag writes about, thanks to rank abuse of staffer Amy Sultan username and password. But aside from being able to scoop Us at its own game – which, to be fair, is a pretty big deal – thus far the scurry to close the leak hasn't had a big item on which to pin Janice Min's fear. Thanks to the wide open net our inbox casts, we've got at least one rumor on which we can lay our suspicions.
I know exactly what Us Weekly is now terrified will eventually come out in the investigation. Do you remember the Ryan Seacrest/Teri Hatcher in Malibu kissing pictures taken on March 25, 2006, that ran EXCLUSIVELY in Us Weekly? No surprise to savy media watchers, but it seems the pix were a set up, (without poor Hatcher's knowledge) between Us' West Coast Editor Ken Baker and his longtime BFF Ryan Seacrest. There is serious concern that there are now copies of those incriminating e-mails now floating around cyberspace that prove the two were involved in setting up the Desperate Housewives star. With ABC owning half of Us Weekly, how will it look to the bigwigs there to have Hatcher, their biggest star, made an object of ridicule, or a temporary beard for the American Idol host?
Ken Baker involved in under-the-radar spin? Psshaw!
Related: Former Us Staffer Especially Didn't Steal Info on Charlie Sheen
Related: FBI to Stop Us Weekly From Handing Out Passwords to Former Employees
• Who knew contemplating Tom Hanks' hair could be so fun? Anyways, we're just sick of hearing about his damn movie. [The Jay]
• In case your numbers are dropping (and we're not talking about cholesterol) here are some words of wisdom from Star EIC Joe Dolce to help you move on by. [NYP]
• Today, Blogebrity learns how to feed itself cheerios and say its first sentence. We bet it was "we got so many links today, yo." Yes, they are very very bright. [Blogebrity]
• We know it's like 5 months away, but Conan O'Brien will host the Emmy awards. Which means he's probably not nominated. [emmys.com]
• Charlie Sheen's publicist is going to commit suicide any day now. [Defamer]
• The n-word? That should cost Charlie Sheen a few fans. We bet Brandon Davis will stick by his side, though. [Page Six]
• Nicolas Cage buys himself an island where he can dance to Elvis' music in peace. [People]
• We don't watch The O.C. But now that Mischa Barton is off the show, we might just start. [AP]
• When Russell Crowe isn't throwing phones, he's making jokes on the Upper East Side. [R&M]
• After almost dropping Sean Preston on his head, Britney claimed "this is why I need a gun." We have no idea what that means, but we're sure the baby feels the same way. [TMZ]
• When we saw there was a dating service called Millionaire Match we were really excited. Then we found out guys like Charlie Sheen peruse it, and … well, the excitement subdued. [Gatecrasher]
• Sarah Jessica Parker's 19th-century farmhouse is featured on an eight-page spread. Because it's not big or fancy … just simple plain Carrie Bradshaw style. [Page Six]
• Meredith Vieira admits that she's really not cut out to be a journalist. Yeah, Mer, we know — that's why you're going to Today and Katie Couric is going to CBS.
• Kabbalah is so over. For Britney Spears, the new religion is worshipping your baby. Well, at least it's still in the Jewish realm of things. [Britney Spears via PITNB]
• Despite his affection for his birthday suit, Tommy Lee has decided to be the first straight white musician to start a fashion line. [Page Six]
• Diddy isn't caughin' up the dough to pay for his kids. Maybe instead of cigars and vodka, Jay-Z should send his friend some child support gift certificates. [amNY]
• If Jared Leto can't get dirty or live without a mirror why does he look like a dirtbag who doesn't own a mirror? [TSG]
• David Spade evidently wasn't threatening enough. Now the jailed pimps are after Charlie Sheen, too. [Page Six]
• It's always hard to hear that Jake Gyllenhaal has yet another new girlfriend. Which is why we plug our ears and shout "la, la, la … I can't hear you!" [Us Weekly]
• To prove models rely mostly on their looks, Tatyana Simanava walked out of an RV onto the Gowanus Expressway. What exactly was she doing for so long in the bathroom? [NYP]
• Bugalow 8 can't really have guys like Mark Cuban running around telling people he has a 30 inch dick. [Page Six]
• We wonder, when a tennis pro takes on Anna Wintour, does he let her win for fear of his own life? Or does he just kick her ass and just pray he never runs into her off courts? [Page Six]
• Charlie Sheen just loves him some tranny cheerleaders. [R&M]
• Making out with Tom Cruise is less appealing than it used to be, but "somebody's gotta do it." [Lowdown]
• By now, you could put all the promotions together and see the entire Da Vinci Code before the movie even comes out. [TMZ]
Maybe we're just still hung over from downing all those Tanq and Tonics last night (watching Dita Von Teese shake her pasties is not for the sober) but, uh, we're just a bit confused on why exactly this Us Weekly cover is an exclusive.
Mostly because we sort of feel like Denise Richard's "side of the story" is the only story that's out there. Yeah, yeah, we know Charlie Sheen released a statement defending himself against abuse charges … but it's almost too late. We've heard Denise's side, and unless Us can beat the "pregnant cunt" remark we're just not falling for this exclusive BS.
Us Exclusive: Denise Speaks [Us Weekly]
From PRNewswire's ProfNet, appearing today:
**2. TODAY/RETAIL : Children's Clothing Retail - Star Magazine (US)
I am looking for a retail analyst who follows children's clothing. I want to know if a newly formed company is getting ready to launch a new line of outfits for kids, and whether bad PR surrounding its creator will affect its success.
We're not retail analysts or anything, but let's just say that when your soon-to-be ex-wife Denise Richards accuses you of looking at pre-teen and gay porn websites while your name is attached to a line of children's clothing, yeah, the bad PR is going to play a role.
Earlier: Charlie Sheen & Denise Richards' Underage (and Gay) Divorce Proceedings
Related: All Charlie Sheen coverage
• Our fave fake celebrity, Natalie Reid, gets banned from Stereo for life. Hmm, maybe that place might be kind of fun to chill at afterall. [NYP]
• Lloyd Grove thinks you should all want to be Gwyneth Paltrow … she just had a baby and she's still skinnier than you. Thanks for that reminder of our 1999 Paltrow-induced anorexia, dude. [Lowdown ]
• Tom Cruise actually has a reason for changing Katie Holmes' name to "Kate." And he's over emphasizing the "woman's name" just a tad. [Bizarre]
• Looks like "Maury's girls" are not too happy with one another. Hey, this mistress should just be happy she's still alive. We all know what happened to Charlie Sheen's side dish. [NYP]
• College sports announcer Keith Jackson hangs up his jersey. Please, don't ask how we came to be reading the sports pages. [NYT]
We know about the kiddie and gay porn on Charlie Sheen's computer. We know he messed around with a prostitute.
But, in what feels like a Bret Easton Ellis novel for Beverly Hills, Sheen's ex-wife Denise Richards suspects that he had a hand in the murder of his pay for play mistress, Chloe Jones.
Besides being linked to the murder of a hooker, Richards accuses Sheen of threatening her with photos of Nicole Brown Simpson, calling her a "pregnant cunt," and dropping f-bombs all over her message machine.
In a bombshell sworn declaration, ex-Bond Girl Richards says she flat-out asked Sheen, 40, if he had anything to do with sex star Chloe Jones' death — and he didn't deny it.
"He said that he had 'no comment,'" Richards states in her papers. "This scared me. [Sheen] threatened me again 'that if I do not agree with his request for joint custody, that I would never make it to court.'"
Is it possible that Richards is making this all up to start a major smear campaign? Sure. But just in case, maybe Richie Sambora wants to lay low for a few days?
A role for Charlie in XXX star's death? [Rush & Molloy, Daily News]
Editorial Director
