With a Las Vegas residency to promote, Cher suddenly stumbles upon a fond memory of her youth: boinking Tom Cruise. The sixteen year age difference did little to cool the sparks between these two after they met at a White House event, back when he was enjoying the spotlight from a breakout role in Risky Business. Oh, did we mention Risky Business is celebrating its 25th anniversary, and that Cruise is also hitting Oprah's show for the first time in three years to promote it?

So many wonderful confluences of events!

Alas, Cher blames their filming schedules as the reason the duo never made it last, and not because two larger-than-life egos, one of them a big 'mo, could never work.

• Cher continues to inspire drag queens everywhere with her wigs.

• With Heroes on hiatus, Hayden Panettiere is devoting herself full-time to looking like a 30-year-old.

• "Grammy fashion" continues to need quote marks …

• … Particularly, Beyonce's camel toe-inducing underwear.

• Good news for your dwindling faith in humanity: The Hottie and The Nottie bombed at the box office.

• What gives? Matthew McConaughey has been wearing shirts lately.

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• Tom Jones allegedly insured his chest hair $7 million. Clauses regarding the natural aging process are not available.

• In other fake tan news, Lindsay Lohan's roll on stuff isn't working for her.

• Daily installment of Britney craziness. The basics: she's still crazy and her mom won't let enabler Adnan Ghalib in to see her.

• Cher will take over Celine Dion's show at the Caesar's Palace. The gays must be so relieved.

• Speaking of gay, scenes from movies that imply Sharon Stone is.

• Even Pink Is The New blog thinks the Super Bowl was incredible. Serves you right for watching the Puppy Bowl.

• Madonna and Cher share Pride in an transparent effort to cater to their primarily gay fanbase (including Madge's baby daddy!) Related: Experts attribute Cher's difficulty in smiling due to a countless number of Botox procedures and a puzzling inability to accept her daughter's lesbianism.

• No matter how many slutty off-the-shoulder tops she wears, Britney Spears can't seem to keep her nipples away from the paparazzi.

• First, Michael Moore gets booted from Larry King Live in favor of Paris. Now, he's getting slammed by PETA. Hehe. Fatty.

• Interview? What interview? Paris will receive $1 million to teach a 1-hour class at the Learning Annex entitled "I Can't Believe I Slept With Jack Osbourne."

• Elisha Cuthbert gets confused, forgets to remove her giant orange arm-floaties after exiting the pool.

• Usher does his best to erase the memory of Joey Fatone on Broadway. [Hello!]

• Scott Storch goes from being prominent hip-hop producer to having a feud with Christina Aguilera. That must do wonders for his street cred. [Gatecrasher]

• Gasp! Kelly Clarkson dances on a bar. Page Six does not approve. (Mainly because she didn't show any tit.) [Page Six]

• Justin Timberlake spews hate on the less-attractive and less-successful Taylor Hicks. JT probably just has a crush. [MSNBC]

• Just in case you've forgotten: Cher is the scariest 60 year old ever. [TMZ]

• Eve is creating some space between herself and her sonnuva African dictator boyfriend. [R&M]

• If Justin Timberlake doesn't change pop music, who will? [Queerty]

• Jennifer Lopez is a vengeful witch with voodoo magic. Just ask Diddy, Cris Judd, and Ojani Noa. [MuchMusic]

• Yes folks, not only is Cher still around, she's still important enough to stand people up. [P6]

• This is what Eminem has been doing while not making any music whatsoever. [MTV]

• You know what helps a sick Gil Scott Heron feel better? Copious amounts of drugs. [NME]

• Star boasts its undying faith in Nick Lachey, while Jossip boasts our undying ability to make a punchline out of him as often as possible. [Star]

• Now that George Clooney has an Oscar, he doesn't need your lame accolades. [AP News]

• Is Page Six trying to kill us with this stuff? "Picture Donald Trump in a kilt." Uh, thanks, we'll pass. [Page Six]

• The better headline for this would read, "Instead of growing old gracefully, these women are doing it with botox and face lifts galore." That being said, Happy Birthday Cher. You look just as plasticy as your doll. [NYDN]

• Those stretch marks prove nothing, Katie "Kate" Holmes. Just show us the baby already. [Defamer]

• Velvet Revolver's Scott Weiland drunkenly belts out a Guns n Roses song at Key Bar. Don't worry, it wasn't the one in the East Village, meaning you're all safe from old rock star karaoke feuds. [Page Six]

• Even though Russell Simmons didn't bring his girlfriend to the event he hosted with Kimora Lee, things still got awkward. [R&M]

• A member of Eminem's posse D12 was shot and killed outside a Detroit after-hours club. Proof is actually proof that Detroit is a scary, scary place. [MTV]

• Jennifer Lopez, who no one cares about anymore, is suing her first husband, who no one has ever heard of. The only person who cares about any of this is Marc Anthony. [TMZ]

• Las Vegas, where divas go to die, is adopting Cher. She just signed a deal to take over for Celine Dion at Ceasar's Palace next year. [Page Six]

• Embroiled former CBS News prez Andrew Heyward would've given up his post a while ago, had it not taken till October 29 (his 55th birthday) for his lucrative pension plan to kick in. [Radar]

• Thanks to a keen eyed Newsweek staffer, the mag's baby boomer issue this week hit newsstands with the real Cher on the cover, not a drag queen. Now if only People's eye check-ups were more frequent. [R&M]

• A Fox News exec used crude language to describe the female body? That's as far fetched as a MSNBC primetime show scoring a 2.0 rating. [NYDN]

• Jay Leno is now leading David Letterman by more than his chinny-chin-chin. The latest ratings results show the NBC comedian's ratings are up 4 percent this year while his CBS counterpart saw viewership slide 5 percent. [Fox News]

• Anderson Cooper said hello to his new timeslot (and Aaron Brown's old viewers) last night, complete with a new set that's getting a better response than Jon Stewart's. [TVNewser]