Melora Hardin might be best known on these pages for being photographed next to douche-nozzle Ben Silverman, but you probably know her as Michael Scott's bipolar ex-girlfriend Jan on The Office. And now you can see the sexy MILF on Broadway playing Roxie Hart in Chicago tonight: Yet another reason to travel above 34th street before the holidays are over.
President-elect and Time's (Pot Smoking) Person of the Year Barack Obama made an impromptu visit to inner-city Chicago school children today to deliver the bad news personally: every other country is beating America's asses on test scores, and he's planning to do something about it. CONTINUED »
The reason Chicago politics is so corrupt is because, in modern American history, it's never not been, which makes it very difficult to clean up. Especially because every politician who says they're going to try and straighten Chicago out ends up lying and cheating worse than the pig who came before him. Imagine trying to clean up a greasy stove with a sponge covered in used Crisco and you'll understand the job of cleaning up Chi-town. Basically, it's the Frankenstein's monster of political machines—a thing, composed of scrap materials functioning for a common cause (money), that will only be stopped if it commits to self-immolation.
Here's the back story: starting about 100 years ago, Chicago's elected officials started to realize they could play the city's increasing number of immigrants off one another for financial and political gain. Shrewd politicians would employ ward heelers, people who implanted themselves into ethnic enclaves and promised government handouts in exchange for votes. "Vote for [insert name of rotten prick here]," they'd say, "and you'll get a leg up on those no-good Eye-talians." This is why so many Irishman became Chicago police officers.
From there, the favors and money flowed as freely as Capone's bootlegged liquor during Prohibition, eventually leaving the Windy City where it is today, with the goddamn Illinois governor auctioning off high offices.
If you're smart, you should be saying, "But that stuff happened in New York, too. Why isn't Albany full of criminals?" Good question! The short answer is: Albany is full of criminals, just like all of politics. (Remember Spitzer, the hooker-fucker?) The long answer comes from Slate:
… machine politics faded away in New York, due in part to external pressure from former New Yorker Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who was elected president in 1932.
Boston's pretty corrupt, too, as evidenced by this state senator stuffing a bribe into her bra just last month, but it's nowhere near as bad as Chicago, which has seen dozens of elected officials face criminal cases in the last three decades.
With the "WHY" out of the way, here's some of our favorite Chicago scandals from history.
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Ha ha ha! All the Chicago gangsters in high office have become even more emboldened by the victory of one of their own and are now going on racketeering tears like it's goddamn Prohibition all over again.
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested this morning on charges he was trying to sell Barack Obama's senate seat to the highest bidder. Blagojevich is also accused of saying he would withhold state assistance for the Tribune Company, which owns the Chicago Cubs and yesterday filed for bankruptcy, in the sale of Wrigley Field if the Chicago Tribune didn't promise to fire every editor who wrote anything bad about him. The Democratic governor's chief of staff was also arrested.
The FBI has been wiretapping Blagojevich for months, so it's probably safe to say he's screwed.
Prior to Blagojevich, George Ryan was the governor of Illinois. Currently, Ryan is serving a six-year prison sentence for fraud.
Uncle Al's proud of you, boys!
(Click Image to Enlarge)
Hey all you Obama-haters out there, now is your chance to come out of the woodwork and start decrying the senator from Chicago all over again!
You see, some say Barack Obama was born in Kenya (to a foreign father no less!), and his birth certificate from Hawaii looks a little too shady to be real. (Like what typeset is that? Century Gothic?) You know who definitively believes that Obama was born not of this country? The LA Times, who writes today:
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Barack Obama and John McCain met for the first time since the election in Chicago today for a sit down, and well, if there is one thing the two candidates have in common, it's that they both are extremely uncomfortable sitting next to each other in giant chairs, forced to make stilted small talk while a billion photographers take their pictures. Hey, social awkwardness knows no party lines you guys.
BODY FOUND; LIKELY HUDSON'S NEPHEW "The Cook County medical examiner's office is investigating reports on Monday of a child's body found in an SUV in Chicago, a spokesperson for the office told CNN. The Chicago Tribune — citing the medical examiner's office — reported that the body of a boy was found Monday morning in a white SUV connected with Julian King, the missing nephew of Oscar-winning actress Jennifer Hudson."
-Mollygood
What in the world happened since Friday? You got to Philly for two days and suddenly Jennifer Hudson's mother and brother die in a tragic shooting, and that Arkansas anchorwoman whose home was broken into last Monday dies of injuries related to the attack.
Anne Pressly was only 26 years old and working as an anchor for KATV in Arkansas, when her home was broken into and she was beaten and stabbed. She survived in critical condition until the weekend, and then passed away. Pressly had had a small part as an Ann Coulter-ish commentator in W. Police are questioning whether or not the break-in was random, or if the anchor was targeted for the attack because of her high-profile career.
Either way, it is a tragic way to start the week. At least Barack Obama got to give a heartfelt prayer for Jennifer Hudson during his interview with A.C. Slater on Saturday.
This is public notice for media watchdog groups: It's officially time to chill.
Sure, you caught Sue Simmons cursing, and protected your children's blessed ears from hearing repeats of Jane Fonda saying the C-word, but now look what you've done.
Allison Payne, a correspondent for Tribune's Chicago station WGN, was forced to make a public apology this weekend for slurring her speech during last week's broadcast, after viewers called in complaining that she was drunk on the air, and various media reported the claims.
It would've been a legitimate qualm, except: CONTINUED »
If there's no video posted on YouTube, did it really happen? Okay, miserable question, especially if you're Chicago's WLS-Ch. 7 anchor Cheryl Burton, who was one of six people randomly attacked there by one man seemingly on a violence rampage. Running through the streets, he punched one woman and threw her to the ground, then went after a 75-year-old woman and two septuagenarian men, as well as the news anchor. The suspect, described as someone with "mental issues," is in police custody, and will likely not be able to watch tonight's news.
In a desperate attempt to gain some attention, the Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern is considering renaming itself.
John Lavine, Dean of the school, said, "We're really exploring what the name should be, could be, what people think about it."
When we think of the Medill School, here’s what comes to mind:
• The I Spent $160,000 and I still Can’t Get a Job School of Journalism.
• The Hoping For Some Short Term Publicity School of Journalism
• The Nicole Lapin (from CNN) Went Here School of Journalism
• The Suburban Chicago Media Scene School of Journalism
Hey, all those names are catchier than "Integrated Marketing Communications," which is an actual contender.
