Nerd blog Muckraked recently deposited into our inbox a quite comprehensive study of how difficult it is for some people to read. Here at Jossip, we are positively thrilled to know that even third graders are capable of understanding the relatively simple vernacular with which we articulate the latest gossip on Lindsay Lohan and Anna Wintour.

These numbers supposedly reflect an obscure method of measuring how many years of "schooling" it would take to understand the form of media you are consuming. We haven't been informed whether this "schooling" begins at kindergarten, high school, or what the fuck this is supposed to mean. But, it is humorous.

Especially since our daily reading material pretty much ends with Defamer. In addition to this bizarre test, we were quite intrigued by the question posed in the subject line of this email: "Is Cindy Adams Harder to Read than Arianna?"

Uhhh, duh. The subway announcements are easier to understand. We doubt those precious plagiarizing Harvard grads can understand a freakin' word that woman is saying. She is undeniably wholly and completely insane.

Still, we're going to go out on a limb here, and assume that even she can understand us. We couldn't be more pleased.

Who Did Any Reading in High School? [Muckraked]

It's a good thing we have Cindy Adams to break down the mysteries of the world for us. Who knew that people were gossiping so much? We're even gossiping about the gossips … which means we just needed to meta-fy this into gossiping about gossips who are gossiping about gossip.

GOSSIP. Everybody's bitching and moaning about gossip. There's even gossip about gossip editors like Bonnie Fuller. There's gossip about is Tom Cruise a he-she-or-it, will Angelina Jolie try to heal every leper colony in Africa, can it be someone's already stuffed Dick Cheney, anyone noticed that George Clooney has stopped gossiping about the gossip about him.

Gossip is actually a noble profession. Its root is the word "gospel." And the first four gossips? Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Pay attention, kiddies. Mother is talking The Bible here. Six days a week I'm actually doing holy work.

Did you hear that "kiddies?" Cindy Adams is actually a holy worker, and the bible is actually just one big book of rumors, gossip, and spin. Which leads us to wonder how much paparazzi sketches of Jesus and Mary Magdalene went for back in the day.

THE ETERNAL WISH FOR TASTY 'DISH' [Cindy Adams, New York Post]

Crazy Cindy Adams is back … and not just on Jossip, but in the New York Times.

The Times takes a look inside the life of Cindy, a woman who is so powerful a gossip mogul that she doesn't need to listen to publicists or stand next to the rest of the reporters. Like a delirious old pro, she stands wherever she wants, does whatever she wants, and can barely remember any of the people she's interviewed. (Dah-ling, they all blend together.)

In a gossip world run amok with rumor-mongering bloggers and scandal-hungry glossies, Mrs. Adams gets her tidbits the old-fashioned way: She picks up the phone and a few hours later, Ivana, Leona or Liza will be crying on her shoulder over Chinese takeout in her kitchen.

"I don't go to places where they hang their bras on a hook and dance on tabletops," Mrs. Adams said a few days after the opening, sitting in the chintzed-out, feather-filled crimson living room of her Park Avenue penthouse. "I hate to go out to parties and openings. I'd rather have a quiet dinner with the people who are making the news."

Where are these places that Cindy Adams doesn't go? We are so sick of people crying on us over Chinese take-out and boring quiet dinners. We would kill to go to a club witih built in hooks for bra hanging. Too bad View had to freakin' shut-down.

On Job With Empress of Celebrity Gossip [Andrew Jacobs, New York Times]

We may not have hard evidence, but we know for sure this is not the first time Cindy Adams has admitted "I forgot what he said" or "I didn't understand what she was talking about" or "I wasn't paying attention to my interview subject."

And while we understand it is probably meant to be funny, it only increases the crazy factor in the mind which is Cindy Adams. Today, Cindy gets distracted by Sharon Stone and her super hot bod.

I forget whatever else she told me because I was staring at her nude perfectly manicured beige-polished toenails and examining her face, which hasn't a blackhead, an enlarged pore or a single hair you'd want to pluck. And the body? Not one nodule of fat. Slimmer than the whippet that went missing.

She goes on to admit that, actually, she would hate Stone had Sharon's sister not gone on and on about how fabu she is. But she doens't remember what the actual celeb said. That one is tough — especially when you're 80. So, in addition to the prescription for anti-crazy pills, we're considering sending Cindy a tape recorder.

NOT ONLY HOT STUFF, BUT A HEART OF GOLD [Cindy Adams, New York Post]

• By "Columbia" Bruce Willis meant "the bathroom stall at Bungalow Kate Moss and Lindsay Lohan just walked out of." [R&M]

• We feel the best way to respect Bernard LaCoste's memory is by passing a law forbidding Kevin Federline from ever wearing the alligator logo. Ever. [NYT]

• Paris Hilton is still tramping around. But because she ran out of semi-famous people, she's trapping guys who nobody's ever heard of. (Makes it a little hard to be obsessed.) [The Scoop]

• Sorry Mariah Carey, Louis Vuitton only hires models that are smaller than their bags. [SFG]

• Cindy Adams has resorted to taking diet tips from the crypt. [Cindy Adams]

Television really does make people stupid. Even "smart TV" shows like Oprah and Sesame Street are rotting women's brains into dimentia. This breaking info, of course, brought to you by Matt Drudge.

What's more, they were at greater risk of showing signs of clinical impairment. For example, compared with women who preferred to watch news programs, those who favored soaps were more than seven times more likely to show signs of impairment on one of the tests, while talk show fans were more than 13 times more likely to demonstrate impairment.

Did you hear that Cindy Adams? It's time to unplug the Today Show.

Daytime TV tied to poorer mental scores in elderly [AP via Drudge]

• The mango salsa and the Thai lime and chile peanut freaks flock to Union Square for an East Coast grocery culture clash.

• Britney Spears refuses to stop being a total dumbass.

• Manolo Blahnik hates being famous. Hates it, hates it, hates it. And he's going to beat Sarah Jessica Parker with a shoe over it, which makes total sense.

• Every blogger makes a joke about not knowing what the Virginia Quarterly Review is. That's right, it's ASME time.

• Bonnie Fuller's brilliance is much too much for Crazy Cindy.

• Gawker introduces celeb Google Map stalking, and the entire media world has to go home and change their pants.

• Our baby brother/sister wins a Bloggie! So much better than an Ellie or an Oscar, and they didn't even have to take their clothes off. They just wanted to, ok?

• Somebody's running around with Pink Elephant's pheromone machine. And they won't share it. Bastards.

Bonnie Fuller admits that she is not an Ivy scholar, nor does she have "literary credentials." She's obviously brilliant at what she does, but it isn't necessarily difficult to follow her train of thought. Well, for most people.

After a face-to-face with Fuller in regards to her upcoming book (which costs a whopping $24!) Cindy Adams has a tough time keeping up.

I, personally, am exhausted and have no idea what the hell she's talking about. I only know Bonnie's husband, Michael, loves her, her house is attractive and her book is $24 and it's out next month.

So, basically, despite her psychic powers and abilities to pull gossip out of her hair, Adams is simply too slow to understand Bonnie's plan for success. Not something we would be crying from the mountain top, but, we do take comfort in knowing that there is someone out there crazier than us.

FULLER DEFIES, DENIES THE ODDS AGAINST HER [Cindy Adams, New York Post]

Predictions on who will take over the World News Tonight anchor spot continue, this time with some actual reporting being reported. It seems as though Diane Sawyer pulled the wool over everyone's eyes, convincing media gossips and co-workers alike that she was lobbying for Bob Woodruff's spot. Nah-ah, said Cindy Adams on Monday, with her now almost famous quote, "“ABC will announce Gibson soon. I announce the announcement now.” WNT wants soon to be grandpa Charlie Gibson.

Thank god for reporters at the Observer who decided to pick up phones, call people, and then include anonymous sources in their reporting. Even if that reporting is still full of prediction.

Superstition among lower-level staffers holds that whenever Ms. Sawyer takes a holiday, a personnel shakeup happens.

And now, Diane is on a cruise, waiting for her network to make its decision. The great debate seems to be over why Sawyer would leave her cushy Good Morning America position for a less glamorous evening anchor spot. The prestige could be one part of it, yes, but shouldn't we be asking why she wants her partner Charlie out of the GMA chair so quickly?

We're just going to call 1-800-PSYCHIC and see what Jwanna Bird has to say about this whole situation.

Sawyer Cruises, Backing Gibson As ABC Anchor [Rebecca Dana, New York Observer]

If ABC had decided to replace Bob Woodruff with Charlie Gibson, you'd think some media gossip or blogger would get the scoop. Keith Kelly, Jeff Bercovici, Rebecca Dana, Greg Lindsay … at least you'd assume Gawker to post some inter-office memo in regards to the situation.

But, who is it that tells the story of this replacement being a definite decision? Oh, yes, folks. It's Cindy Adams. And even though the haze of our current flu-like conditions may have something to do with it, Cindy Adams breaking this kind of news just doesn't make sense.

ABC will name Gibson the "temporary permanent replacement." Translation: If and when Woodruff, who this week is on his feet and talking, is ready to be back playing anchor man - he gets it. That is not expected to be this year. But when and if, it's his again.

ABC will announce Gibson soon. I announce the announcement now.

Hmm. How does Adams know this? Where did she get her information? There is no hint of a reliable source, or an overheard conversation. Simply her conclusion that, even though "Diane Sawyer wanted the job … ABC had no choices left" but to put Gibson in the seat.

Which leads us to believe that either we have highly misjudged Adams' connections, she's totally wrong, or she's just psychic.

ABC TO PUT GIBSON IN ITS ANCHOR CHAIR [Cindy Adams, New York Post]

From the organization for Cindy Adams hiring a fact-checker (otherwise known as Jossip readers) this Adams quote of the day just floated into our inbox. According to Adams, her new best friend William H. Macy is a real winner.

Academy Award winner Bill Macy on the seemingly sudden meteoric rise of his longtime hardworking actress wife Felicity Huffman: "When I picked her, I really picked great, didn't I?"

We agree — totally love the Bill H. — unfortunately the Academy does not. Using IMDB as our guide to all things correct about celebrities, Macy has never won an Academy Award. Sorry, but we just can't help but burst the Pulitzer Prize winning bubble that Adams lives in again and again.

ACTOR SHARES A LIFE WITH OVERNIGHT STAR [Cindy Adams, New York Post]

Oh, Cindy Adams. It's still a wonder why Col Allan lets her pick up a pen each day and file stories. Sure, the Sixers have their inaccuracies, but at least they limit their rambling to favoring clients in transparent PR arrangements. Cindy, meanwhile, mixes the two ailments to create column inches so unfastidious, we long for the days of Victoria Gotti's column in Star. Witness:

Last Sunday, Feb. 26, Howard Kurtz reported on CNN's Reliable Sources that Cindy Adam's statements about chef Emeril Lagasse regarding Hurricane Katrina were, ahem, made up (inaccuracy number one).

KURTZ (voice over): Emeril Lagasse, the famed New Orleans chef and Food Network star, got some bad publicity back home when he seemed to be adding bitter ingredients to the debate about the city's hurricane recovery.

"New York Post" gossip columnist Cindy Adams quoted Emeril as saying, "The mayor's a clunk. The governor is also a clunk. They don't know their (backsides) from a hole in the ground."

"I've reopened Emeril's, but only a few locals come. There's no tourists, no visitors, no spenders, no money, no future, no people. It's lost. It will never come back."

Bam!

Chris Rose, a columnist for the "New Orleans Times-Picayune," barbecued Lagasse, writing, "You should try serving a clue at your restaurant and then take a bite."

But Emeril has now told Rose that he never made the offending remarks and that Adams made them up.

To rebutt the allegation, Cindy took to her own column. But not to lambaste Howard Kurtz. Nope, she was on the hunt for Anderson Cooper. Did we mention Anderson Cooper had nothing to do with that CNN report and only appeared in an unrelated segment of the show? (Inaccuracy number two.)

Wrote Cindy in last Monday's column:

SPEAKING of chefs brings me to An derson Cooper's Sunday CNN re port, which suggested I may have told an untruth. Hello??? I do not tell untruths. Could I ever bollix a fact or a story? Hey, I'm human. But lie consciously in this column? Any writers/editors/fact- checkers/reporters who suggest that on-air better watch their mouths.

So appalled was one reader, she spit out a letter to the Post and forwarded it on to us.

From: XXXXX
To: letters@nypost.com
Cc:
Bcc:
Subject: Note To Cindy Adams
Date: Sat, 04 Mar 2006 12:57:56 -0500

Hello Ms. Adams,

On Monday, February 27, 2006 you wrote in your column that "Anderson Cooper's Sunday CNN report" suggested that you had told "an untruth".

This was not Mr. Cooper's report nor Mr. Cooper's show for that matter. The show is called "CNN Reliable Sources" and is hosted by Howard Kurtz. Mr. Cooper is interviewed in a later segment on a completely unrelated story.

The person you may have a bone to pick with is Mr. Kurtz.

Got it, Cindy? That's H-O-W-A-R-D K-U-R-T-Z. Wouldn't want the New York Post fact-checkers to have to exert themselves.

CONGRESS MEMBERS ABOUT TO BE INDICTED [Cindy Adams, NYP]
CNN RELIABLE SOURCES Transcript [CNN]
Earlier: More of Cindy Adams' particular brand of crazy
Earlier: Cindy Adams' Jewish jokes of the day
Earlier: Harder to understand: Cindy Adams or the subway announcement?
Earlier: Cindy Adams not 100 percent today

Cindy Adams has some fightin' words for Anderson Cooper today. Not that we could find a hint of her name, (or Emeril Lagasse's name) in any CNN web articles from the last few months, but apparently in the fifteen minutes we stopped watching Coopster in New Orleans yesterday, he attacked Crazy Cindy.

Y'know, or she had an imaginary conversation with her television.

SPEAKING of chefs brings me to Anderson Cooper's Sunday CNN re port, which suggested I may have told an untruth. Hello??? I do not tell untruths. Could I ever bollix a fact or a story? Hey, I'm human. But lie consciously in this column? Any writers/editors/fact- checkers/reporters who suggest that on-air better watch their mouths.

Yeah, watch your mouth. Hello??? Cindy will totally come and whoop your ass with her cane or whatever. Plus, like, crazy-ass rambling doesn't mean whatever she's saying is, like, an untruth, ok? God.

CONGRESS MEMBERS ABOUT TO BE INDICTED [Cindy Adams, NYP]

Earlier: Cindy Adams' Jewish jokes of the day
Cindy Adams not 100 percent today

We thought Cindy Adams was a gossip, but more often than not, we just end up extremely confused by her column, not to mention no more well-informed than we were before reading it.

After going on and on in choppy, unrelated sentences in regards to a Gotham mag round table discussion — which Adams points out, "Also has an article about me on the cover" — she throws in some Jewish Weekly humor.

PICK-up lines from The Jewish Week: "Want to come to my place and see my etchings of Mohammed? . . . Your lips are sweeter than Manischewitz . . . Enough about me, let's argue about 'Munich' . . . My heart has been hit by Cupid's arrow, the anti-Semite . . . Forget this expensive restaurant, why don't we just go up to my mom's for dinner?"

The jokes are almost funny, but nowhere near Office Pirates LOL level. The only funny part was the fact that these little quips were smashed between her talking about herself and talking about Roger Toussaint and the MTA. Oh well, we guess Cindy's column is as good a place as any to slip in some "Jews on Jews" humor.

Tomorrow, look for jokes about black people in Liz Smith's column — right between dinner with Cathy Black and a conversation with Robert DeNiro's doorman.

ROLES BY ANY OTHER NAME JUST AS SWEET? [Cindy Adams, New York Post]

• Laguna Beach's Kristin Cavalleri is auctioning off ten minutes of phone conversation for charity. So maybe her relationships with Stephen, shopping, and coke will do some good for this world. [Lowdown]

• More pointless Cindy Adams info: Zooey Deschanel would like you to know that though you may not recognize her on the street, she has definitely been to Bungalow 8. [Cindy Adams]

• Is Paris Hilton losing her edge? Mischa Barton doesn't even want to be associated with her. [3am]

• Teri Hatcher is going to have to snaz up her political talking points if she wants to keep bagging George Clooney. [The Scoop]

• While we appreciate the effort Halle Berry makes by promising not to make Catwoman II, but we still don't think we'll be seeing her in any movies. Y'know, in the off chance she gets offered a role. [People]

• Seriously, we didn't mean for Love Monkey to get cancelled. The only things we have left to watch now are The Biggest Loser and Carpetbagger.

• It was the first time we read her column in months, and Cindy Adams left us baffled for an entire day.

• Our burning passion for fashion week to be over high-jacked our mouse — all we could click on were Diane Von Furstenberg dresses and Marc Jacobs bags.

• We're still crying over Fake Paris Hilton's blog, lack of friendsters, and failed attempts at publicity.

• Stalking Ashton Kutcher is so much better than watching Colin Farrell's sex tapes. If only we could move to South Hollywood and make a celeb stalking reality show. Then we'd have something to watch in Love Monkey's absence.

• Page Six The Magazine manages to survive being stolen by the Daily News, and spreads its glossy wet dreaminess all over the city.

• Good thing celebrities have hairdressers/people they pay to be their gay boyfriends.

How much does your subway announcer suck? Probably a lot, right?

Unless you ride the fancy 4,5,6 and 1,2,3,9 (and some L) trains, which have updated to computerized announcements (and air-conditioning), you may have a little trouble trying to figure out where the hell your subway driver is saying. The latest report is that the announcements on the subway have improved a whopping four percent.

Besides the W, poor performing subway lines included the B and N, both of which scored below 70 percent, and had lower scores than in 2004. Lines that had improved announcement quality included the 3, 4, A, C, E, G, J/Z, L and R.

So, if you ride the B,N, or W trains, your drivers win the the awards for worst announcers. (We guess by "improving" they mean the drivers on J/Z and G are at least attempting something other than radio silence.) And those of you on the D train, or the F,V,Q,M,7 and S trains are apparently not hearing much of a change.

But four percent — wow! That's almost how much we understand of Cindy Adams' column.

Train Announcements Are Clearer (Squonk Mumble Brzzt), They Say [Thomas J. Lueck, New York Times]

SO, does anybody know what Cindy Adams is talking about?

SO, anybody but me care how Quick Jagger can race around that stage at his age? He packs a Lifeline portable gym wherever he goes. It's some elastic belt cable system thing. You hook the attachments around your waist and just set the gizmo up and you walk in every direction and it works your waistline and keeps you jumping. And I don't 100 percent know what I'm talking about because I never saw one. I only know he schleps it with him.

Probably not since she doesn't 100 percent know what she's talking about. We don't think she even, like 15 percent knows what she's talking about.

A PRINCE OF A GUY IF THERE'S PUBLICITY [Cindy Adams, NYP]