Have you heard? Lydia Hearst has a new "secret" boyfriend! Here's what she had to say about him in this week's Page Six Magazine:

There has been a lot of speculation lately as to who I'm dating. Where do I begin? First off, I don't want to put his name in this column. You will read it elsewhere, I'm sure, even though I've never personally discussed it. But there's something about writing his name and putting labels on things that makes me uncomfortable.

But why is the normally unabashed Ms. Hearst (see picture, right) so reticent about naming the lucky fellow? Could it be because she's finally tired of trading prostituting herself for publicity and trading on her familial connections to further her own as yet to be determined "career?" [Ed: Clearly not.]

No, we're guessing there's a much simpler explanation for Lydia's uncharacteristic modesty. Like, perhaps, the fact that her Prince Charming is infamous for getting dumped by Mischa Barton and explaining "I just write dope songs and [bleep] hot bitches."

And for having the weirdest, lowest-hanging balls in the the history of male genitalia.

• One-legged philanthropist Heather Mills rejects Paul McCartney's paltry $41 million divorce settlement offer, but agrees to put 'all this pettiness aside' for the nominal fee of $102 million.

• In the philosophizing words of Cisco Adler, a pseudo rock star who has very strange-looking genitals, "I tend to find myself dating famous women sometimes. I just write dope songs and [bleep] hot bitches." Such is life.

• Kate Hudson "[bleeps] with the media" by only pretending to date a shirtless comedian, whose nose has never been broken and then pieced back together by a semi-drunk plastic surgeon.

• Steve Martin will finally marry his longtime girlfriend, former New Yorker writer Anne Stringfield, after rationalizing that she's a hell of a lot better than his ex-girlfriend, full-time crazy-person, Anne Heche.

CONTINUED »

• Christina Aguilera tricks her new hubby into wearing an effeminate grass skirt by telling him, "You are beautiful. No matter what they say."

• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson's adulterous affair-turned-relationship is over, even before it "officially" ever began.

• Thanks to Sarah Silverman, Cisco Adler's balls will be hanging around for just a little while longer.

• Victoria Beckham defies gravity and mandatory pants-or-skirt requirement in this revolutionary corset singlet.

• Watch out Lindsay—there's a new hottie in town. And she doesn't have "mandatory drug-testing" written into her employment agreement.

• Who knew Ryan Seacrest acting like himself could be so damn hilarious?

• In a bizarre, tape-recorded mental breakdown, Paula Abdul swears she's never been called a "whiny loser" before. We find this hard to believe.

• Lindsay Lohan stands to lose hundreds of thousands of dollars if she backs out of her Svedka Vodka sponsored 21st birthday party. When reached for comment, Dina Lohan yelled, "party foul!" and then did three lines of cocaine.

• Who would've guessed RZA and McSteamy are both Hillary Clinton supporters? Sadly for Hill, Method Man is still pulling for third-party candidate, Ralph Nader.

• Is hunky Josh Hartnett stepping out on his obviously real girlfriend, Penelope Cruz? Related: Hunk. Who still says that, anyway?

• Mischa Barton called her ex-boyfriend, Cisco "Hung Like A Donkey" Adler, while she was hospitalized for that antibiotics + binge-drinking incident.

It's time for another edition of a new feature we'd like to call "Lyrics Re-Examined," in which we take a song that may once have been poignant and topical, extract a verse out of context, and admire the way in which its outdated lyrics now carry a whole new meaning.

Today's Example: "I'll Never Break Your Heart" by Backstreet Boys

I'll never break your heart
I'll never make you cry
I'd rather die, then live without you
I'll give you all of me, honey that's no lie

In-Depth Analysis:

THEN:
Lovebirds Mischa Barton and Cisco Adler invade each other's personal space during happier days

NOW:
Rumors abound that Mischa and Cisco broke up over a leaked crotch-shot on ParisExposed.com

Cisco "Big Balls" Adler dumped by his paramour over a mere—albeit horrifying—photograph? Oh, how quickly love fades…

Previous Lyrics Re-Examined: Jill Sobule - "Supermodel"

• Kimberly Stewart and Mischa Barton are about to go all Tyra and Karrine, thanks to The O.C.'s starlet's romance with Cisco Adler, otherwise known as Kimberly's ex-fiance.

• Gigi Goyette has no idea why David Pecker's American Media wrote her a check for $20,000, since "nothing happened' between her and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Her confusion, of course, didn't stop her from cashing the check.

• Jessica Simpson is chained to OK! magazine, in print and in real life. Not only is she still tied down to her $200,000 contract with the celeb rag that forbids her from giving exclusives to other glossies but she was kept roped off in a corner at OK!'s launch party at Hotel Gansevoort Tuesday night.

• Tom Cruise's church is reaching out to Kate Moss, hoping their no-drugs philosophy will sound more appealing than regular rehab.

• Dreamworks is laying the blame thick on Reese Witherspoon for her dismal Just Like Heaven opening weekend results, which saw just $16.5 million in ticket sales. Not that the plot or promotions had anything to do with is.