Okay, so A.O. Scott’s take on License to Wed didn’t leave much room for interpretation. ("If the beloved with whom you see License to Wed can’t stop talking about how great it was, you might want to cancel the nuptials") but with him off, Stephen Holden shows what true film criticism is about.

Two weeks ago, Claire Danes took the brunt of his wrath, with Holden saying of her performance, “At a certain point you may find yourself imagining how much better Stardust might have been with Gwyneth Paltrow in the role.”

This week, Scarlett Johansson is on the chopping block: “The Nanny Diaries is the latest in a string of films that suggest that this somnolent actress confuses sullen attitudinizing with acting.”

Scarlett, it's your career calling. You're not above the Jenna Jameson movie.

• At a very minimum, there are five things wrong with Debra Messing's outfit. And "unattractive side-boob" is only one of them.

• Unlike a fine wine, Donald Trump's comb-over only gets infinitely worse with age.

• Boyfriend/pant-stealer Claire Danes, bringing "penis-belt" to a whole new level.

• Paris is in love! Unfortunately, the object of her affections is a dimwitted, wonky-eyed hotel heiress.

• Angelina Jolie is hanging on by a clavicle.

• Um, when did Claire Danes become such a total hottie?

• The next time Robin Williams goes on The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet, he might want to consider grabbing Juliet's ass.

• Reactionary journalists over-analyze Barack Obama's "frat moment."

• If you spent the day standing outside in 100 degree heat for the chance to spend the bulk of your rent money on a cell phone, we probably can't be friends anymore.

• Then again, if you are going to stand for hours in the scorching heat and steal a shiny, mechanical device, next time make it the iPhone and not a Fox News microphone. Idiot.

• If you've got self esteem issues, you should avoid probably try and avoid Natalie Portman.

Sometimes you gotta love the New York Observer. 'Why?' you ask. Because their newspaper is an awkward shade of salmon, because their barely legal publisher still gets carded on a regular basis, because you're sneakily addicted to the Transom.

And because just when you thought they've lost a bit of their legendary bite, they go and write an entire article praising Chloe Sevigny, Claire Danes and Parker Posey on becoming has-beens, chiding Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohans for being shoulda-coulda-woulda trainwrecks, and patting boring-but-talented stars Maggie Gyllenhaal and Hilary Swank on the back for being in bed before midnight…and totally redeem themselves!

(Special bonus points for the artwork, as well as the bold hypothesis that Claire Danes ingeniously reinvented herself by stealing Mary-Louise Parker's boyfriend when the Weeds star was 8 months pregnant).

• Claire Danes steals her boyfriend's pantaloons in the newest Gap ad. Kinda like how she once stole Billy Crudup!

• Lindsay Lohan is back off the wagon? Or is it on the wagon? Whatever, the one that means "post-rehab binge-drinking."

• Clay Aiken or hideous German tourist?

• Heather Mills calls 911 to see if they're resuscitate her dying career save her from the paparazzi.

• If this is "Fergilicious," we're gonna have to pass.

• Joe Simpson "left his BlackBerry next to his half-eaten cheeseburger" yesterday. Seriously, how hard is it to finish a cheeseburger?

• Giuliani's bratty son publicly declares his intention to vote for "the other guy."

• NBC sends anchor Brian WIlliams to Iraq, denies trip is motivated by attempt to gain ratings or to "one-up Bob Woodruff."

• Meanwhile, ABC gains credibility by beating out NBC in primetime news; immediately squanders it by awardingt Geico cavemen their own show.

• Actress Claire Danes is as good at stealing "boyfriend trousers" as she is at stealing boyfriends.

• Philadelphia Inquirer finds a clever new way to make itself "even more disposable."

• Alex Kuczynski stops shopping for the Times; starts shopping her new book.

It's early Wednesday morning, and already rumors are swirling that Claire Danes cheated on boyfriend/actor Billy Crudup a week before the couple officially split. (The two, as we all know, have been together for the past three years now, ever since Crudup ditched his then-7-months-preggers girlfriend, Mary-Louise Parker, to shack up with the My So-Called Life star).

Well, we're not exactly crying for Crudup with this breaking development, but apparently Danes scores double points for nailing someone who plays for "the other team." Her partner in crime has been identified as British actor Hugh "Nancy" Dancy, who witnesses pegged as an equal-opportunity flirt:

According to the source, they shared a bed "with the door two feet ajar, and everybody listening" in his suite at the swanky hotel where the cast was staying while filming "Evening" in Newport, R.I.

But horny Hugh didn't limit his attention to the ladies.

"The cast was pretty much drunk every night," says the snitch. "Hugh also made out with [screenwriter] Michael Cunningham in the lobby."

Plus, he was seen snogging the gay hotel manager, who lost his job.

Wow, hats off to you, Claire! Scoring an illicit hotel-room romp with known homosexual after he drunkenly made out with the now-fired hotel manager! Hope you enjoyed the fling, and we wish you the best of luck in promptly finding another new boyfriend to steal.

• Yeah, you know that sparkling clean mountain water that once ran from your taps? It's now filled with mud. [NYT]

• New Yorkers plan to jump around and shake their groove things just around the corner from Mayor Bloomberg to the tune of "You Can Dance If You Want To." [Page Six]

• There's nothing funny about a sewage leak … unless it's at the Flushing stop on the G line. Totally stinks, yo. [amNY]

• Claire Danes tries to hide her loft away. But considering it's smack in the middle of SoHo, we're not sure it's the best plan. [NYO]

• Just another day in The Slope … a mommy goes berserk, uses her groceries as a weapon. [Curbed]