Just when you start to feel sorry for motherless Kanye West, he has to go off on another one of his deranged tangents about things of no importance whatsoever. This time around, his anger is directed at the MTV Video Music Awards — one of the most legitimate and respected musical events of the year. Except, you know, not.

You see, Kanye thinks these awards shows — both in America and Europe — are "fixed," and he's not OK with the winners of this year's crop:

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Were you under the impression that fun, exciting wars were reserved for disputes between races, religions, tribes and nations? Wrong, silly. Computer companies can do battle also. Sure, it's even more stupid and offensive than regular combat, but at least the only casualties are money and dignity.

The image at right that looks like it was taken from an Apple ad was, in fact, taken from a Microsoft ad. Is your mind blown? That's the point. After pulling their ineffective, strange Seinfeld-Gates ads only two weeks after they premiered, Microsoft is striking again with a hipper, slicker attack. Sick of being pigeonholed as the computer for boring old turds, Microsoft is co-opting Apple's "nerd" character to do its PC bidding.

In a new 15-second spot, the "nerd" announces, "Hello. I'm a PC. And I've been made into a stereotype." Viewers are then introduced to a decidedly un-nerdy group of happy PC users, including children, Deepak Chopra and Pharrell Williams. Cool, right? Fuckin' Chopra, man.

Like a sleeping giant, Google continues to plot in the shadows, patiently awaiting the day when Microsoft and Apple kill each other and make room for its total world domination.

Sure, these days MTV is a heartless, godless whisper of what it once was, but don't say it's forgotten how to gorilla-pimp talented children.

This Monday, Engine Room, MTV's newest long-form commercial, will premiere and completely reinvent the exploiting-artists genre. Populated with ambitious computer whizzes, Engine Room takes four teams divided by nationality (!!!!!!!!!!) and pits them against each other in a digital design-off to see who can create the best artwork. "But how does this race baiting dogfight and the art it will produce make enormous whales even richer?" you're asking, well aware of MTV's MO. Where the cash comes in to play is in the computer hardware, all of which will be provided by Hewlett-Packard.

PCs are losing handily to Apples with the grownup-babies-who-buy-things-to-look-cool demographic – a huge demographic, by the way – and everyone except for Steve Jobs is looking for ways to appear "with it." So what better way to look cool and boost sales while exerting a piddling amount of creative effort than with a reality program on MTV? A program that promises a real live guest appearance by electronic vegan Moby? It's not like people are completely disgusted with that station's garbage yet. And wouldn't everyone love to see that smirk knocked off The Mac Guy's face? Everyone wins!

Best of luck to the Engine Room editors, the men and women whose job it will be to make viewers forget they're watching a bunch of sweating, anxious nerds make YouTube videos.

This just in: The internet is no longer just for geeks and pedophiles!*

Four out of five U.S. adults go online now, according to a new poll. The survey, which polled 2,062 adults in July and October, found that 79 percent of adults — about 178 million — go online, spending an average 11 hours a week on the Internet

Which, roughly translated, means virtually everyone has gone virtual! Well, except for that remaining twenty percent, a stubborn minority holdout group comprised primarily of Luddites, technophobes and people whose children have squandered their Ivy League educations to make a sub-par living writing about media (and celebrity) gossip.

*Cruel Intentions, anyone?

Thanks to those of you who have already written in to share your most memorable IT Guy experience. As for the rest of you, we thought we'd post this vintage "Nick Burns" SNL skit to try and jog your memories.

So go ahead and send us your stories. Truth is, we could use the distraction. This day is going by about as fast as an LC475 with a 32-bit processor!