If you know jack about Scientology, you know they love their acronyms. In the creepy clip from MSNBC about the creepy Tom Cruise Scientology video, Cruise points at a picture of L. Ron Hubbard and says, “To LRH.”

JHC, that struck us as weird. To LRH? As in what? Thanks LRH for KH and SC? For the MI franchise and my appearance on O?

But still, “To LRH” could work at a wedding, or more probably, the first round of PBRs at CC66 in GP. This could be the new “Making it count,” LdC’s toast from Titanic.

Everybody talks about Scientology, but nobody does anything about it. This is an answer: subtle mockery.

Initial definitions after the jump.

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Today in crazy: a new, unauthorized biography of Tom Cruise says that Cruise is the second highest nut in Scientology. The book also gives credence to other scientologists’ claims Suri Cruise was conceived with frozen sperm from Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard. The author, Andrew Morton, believe she’s a “Rosemary’s Baby” like toddler.

To the first accusation: Suri Cruise is too cute to be the daughter of anyone non-famous; to the second one: She is so adorable as to be evil.

[Photo Credit: WireImage]

In Nicole Kidman's upcoming sci-fi thriller The Invasion Kidman plays "an ambitious working woman [who] had a really ugly divorce from her dark, narcissistic husband [who comes] back in her life with an 'entourage of humorless, robotic friends.'"

Meanwhile, Kidman's rep, Catherine Olim, dismissed the subtext-reading as "so silly," while evil galactic overlord Xenu reportedly panned the movie for being "boring and predictable."

[R&M]

• If you feel like spending $17,000 on a diamond-encrusted baby binky, buy this. And then kindly allow us to beat you over the head with it, because you're an idiot.

• A gay couple on Desperate Housewives? This may very well destroy our nation's finely woven moral fibers.

• Paris Hilton is recording a new album and starring in a futuristic move opera. It's almost enough to make us care!

• Can't people in Illinois find something better to do with their time then make the world's largest packet of ketchup?

• Hillary Clinton is finally rendered speechless.

• Astronomy, biology, chemistry…Scientology?

• Jessica Alba dumps Cash Warren in the most subtle, sensitive and respectful way she knows how: by calling him up, telling him "I'm not in love with you anymore" and having one of her assistants (there's more than one, apparently!) pack up all his shit and move it out of their house.

• I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry opens the (back) door to lots of hilarious gay jokes, plus inspires artists to ask themselves what really happens when comic books meet unattractive homoerotic porn.

• Meanwhile, here's Adam Sandler on the set of his "hairdresser/Israeli spy movie." From the sound of it, a must-see!

• Beyonce Knowles sat on a wall, Beyonce Knowles had a really great fall. And all the king's horses and all the king's men. Signed onto YouTube so they could watch it again.

• Paris Hilton gives Cisco Adler a lap-dance after apparently misunderstanding a girlfriend who nudged her and said "that guy's family jewels are, like, enormous!"

• Tom and Katie caught bumping and grinding on the dance floor at the Beckham's "Welcome to America" party. Apparently, Cruise really does likes that old-time rock n' roll! Either that, or he's just totally feigning interest in his Stepford wife in an effort to make us forget they're both members of a crazy religious cult.

• Anderson Cooper may have not-cheated on that guy he's not-sleeping with with another guy he's not sleeping with. You know, because he's not gay.

• Unfortunately for Demi Moore, there's no statute of limitations on full frontal nudity.

• Hollywood's new Rat Pack is less about drinking and having a good time and more about converting other rich people over to Scientology.

• Jim Carrey's long, shaggy 'do is out of control. Geez, it's like he didn't even bother to check himself out in Jenny McCarthy's tacky-slash-reflective gold dress before he left the house.

• Isn't it amazing what six whole weeks without cocaine can do for your cleavage??

• "Scientology is not homophobic in any way," scoffs John Travolta. "In fact, it's one of the more tolerant faiths. Anyone's accepted," says Travolta, who hastily added, "Well, as long as they've got money."

• The countdown until the Libby pardon continues! Have you entered your office pool, yet?

• Nicole Kidman takes shelter under her umbrella, Ella. Ella. Ey, ey—oh, nevermind.

• No longer content to make crappy music in only one genre, Kelly Clarkson signs with a new, country music manager.

• Sir Elton John exhibits the typical, understated British civility.

• Isaiah Washington's back in the news, and we don't care.

• Jessica Simpson and John Mayer are splitsville again. Which explains Jess' recent, post-breakup loungewear fiasco.

• Hostel director Eli Roth frightens us with his giant, prosthetic penis.

• Jenna Elfman is surprisingly cool! Except for that whole 'Crazy "Scientologist' thing.

• "Reclusive novelist [Cormac McCarthy] appears on Oprah." Related: J.D. Salinger promptly questions McCarthy's so-called reclusivity; subsequently declares him to be a "phony" instead.

• David Blaine versus Criss Angel: who has the bigger magic wand?

• No one knows their real estate like oversized-sunglasses wearing Mary-Kate Olsen. Also, apparently, the New Yorker has gone tabloid.

According to today's Page Six, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are in uproar over a case of identity theft…with a twist.

A blond-haired, blue-eyed fashion student, who claims to be a virgin, has changed her name to Katee Holmes and is launching a porn career in which she'll be deflowered in her first movie…

Holmes' camp is weighing her possible recourse. A friend of Katie told us, "It's really kind of sleazy, using her name like that."

A spokeswoman for Cruise said, "Obviously, Tom would support Katie in anything she decides to do about it."

Naturally, the real Katie Holmes is said to be extremely offended by this unsolicited "tribute."

When reached for comment, a disgusted Holmes reportedly branded her namesake an "opportunistic hussy," then waved to the paparazzi and marched into her brand new mansion to simulate sexual relations with her famous movie star husband.

• The upfronts are here, the upfronts are here! ABC and CBS pick up dramas, NBC hopes to attract Dungeons & Dragons crowd by focusing on Sci-Fi and fantasy.

• Meanwhile, The Apprentice is "missing" from the new fall lineup. (Alternate phrasing: NBC to The Donald: You're fired.)

• Scientologists incur wrath of deranged BBC reporter.

• Rupert Murdoch attempts to placate the Bancrofts by creating a special, imaginary position just for them.

• Pop culture professor Bob Thompson only gets 80 media calls a day? We get, like, 200—counting all the complaints.

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Honestly, they're happy…They have a great life and they love each other. For some reason, the media cannot experience that. They must put in things other than the simplicity of it…It's hard to give a detailed explanation on something that's simple. Honestly, do any of you have a great boyfriend or girlfriend? It's not a big deal, right? You have fun hanging out, and you like talking and sharing your ideas. It's exciting. That's their relationship.

–Jenna Elfman [via People]

To get your mornings started right, we thought we'd enlist the help of those investigative journalists over at Us magazine. Today, they bring us a tale of woe, public deception and inner strife, by giving us a behind the scenes look at a couple commonly referred to as "TomKat." This story, as with many of Us' exposes, is rife with information and (unsubstantiated) facts, and as we are in no way capable of recapturing its original brilliance/eloquence, we've decided to give you the thirty-second summary:

Tom Cruise is a crazy Scientologist stalker who once left the Beckhams "18 messages in one hour to get them to join the church." Even more scandalously, Tom's wife, Katie Holmes, sometimes talks to her new best friend Victoria Beckham on the phone for hours. Also, Cruise's rep issues an overly zealous denial that may or may not be a load of crap.

Cruise's rep tells Us, "This is completely false. Tom does not and never has encouraged anyone to adopt Scientology."

Of course he hasn't! When Tom and Katie go out with Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, they're obviously just talking about last night's episode of 24 and JLo's blossoming film career…aren't they?

• J. Lo contemplates following in her father's Scientology footsteps, possibly in hopes of attributing Gigli and Jersey Girl to evil Xenu.

• Eva Longoria apparently mistook the SAG awards for a Statue of Liberty inspired toga party.

• Friends rally behind Isaiah Washington, claiming he's an equal-opportunity asshole.

• Carmen Electra and Joan Jett possibly having crazy lesbian boinkfests?

• Us Weekly bravely proclaims Ugly Betty to be "beautiful," before returning to their regularly scheduled superficial program.

• And in sad news today, Angelina Jolie just announced that her mother, Merchaline Bertrand, has finally lost her battle with cancer.

Posh Spice has apparently decided that it was time she finally cleared up those pesky Scientology rumors.

The former Spice Girl (and wife of hottie/soccer legend David Beckham) has privately denied having any affiliation to the pseudo religion, in spite of her budding friendship with TomKat. And while Posh was unable to offer any other acceptable justification for her sudden closeness with loonies Mr. and Mrs. Cruise, she wasn't exactly wishy-washy about her feelings on L. Ron Hubbard and his ilk.

According to the New York Daily News, Victoria reportedly went so far as to bash the, um, religion as being ridiculous, and&even more importantly—really, really pricey:

"There's no way I'd spend any money on that nonsense," she told a friend recently about the faith founded by author L. Ron Hubbard.

Says another pal: "It's completely laughable that there's even talk of her becoming a Scientologist. Just because people are friends with someone doesn't mean they do everything they do. Scientology is like kabbala in that it's become all about money. Kabbala bracelets are now $28! It's a joke."

And while we certainly believe the part about Scientology being a whole lot of nonsense, we're not sure we really buy Posh's denial…until, of course, we got to this part at the end:

As the pal puts it: "Scientology is an expensive religion; Victoria is too cheap to convert."

Phew! For a second tbere, we thought that Victoria "Bobblehead" Beckham actually had a halfway decent head atop those teeny tiny, skeletal shoulders…But now we see her objections to Scientology have more to do with her love of maxing out her husband's credit cards than her reluctance to forsake her religion in favor of real-life science fiction.

And somehow, the world seems right again.

What's the weirdest thing you've ever done to impress a crush? How about trying out a new religion, perhaps a cult-like religion that believes in aliens, hierarchies, and giving all the leaders your money?

No?

Well, that's what American Idol star Katharine McPhee confessed to having done when she was asked to clarify rumors that she was asked to sing at the TomKat wedding (false) and whispers that she's a full-fledged, L. Ron Hubbard follower (mostly false):

I actually just did meet [Tom and Katie] the other day and they were the nicest people I think I've probably ever met. I'm not a Scientologist. I've clarified this rumor over and over again, but people will keep saying that I am, but whatever. I took a couple of courses. It was really all about a guy. It was a guy that I was totally obsessed with — not obsessed with but totally into and, you know, guys and girls can do that to our lives and make us think we're into something that we're not. But I don't say that Scientology is a bad thing. I met a lot of wonderful people in Scientology, so when I say I'm not a Scientologist I don't mean it like "I AM NOT A SCIENTOLOGIST!" I actually had a very positive experience in Scientology; I just chose that it wasn't for me.

Talk about your dream girlfriend! Not only will McPhee cook, clean and sing** in the shower, but she'll even obsess over you to the point that she'll come this-close to joining a cult, all in the name of fatal attraction true love.

We can only hope that someone from this year's crop of Idol wannabes has that same sort of spunk that says, "not only do I have what it takes to (almost) win American Idol, but I'm even willing to join a pseudo-religion where Tom Cruise is Jesus Christ and science-fiction writers are kings."

**almost as well as Idol winner, Taylor Hicks