"WHICH Oscar-winning actor has his friends worried?" asks today's Page Six. "His career's gone downhill since getting the gold statue and his drinking has increased tenfold. Now, he doesn't even try to hide his public drunkenness or his affairs."

But who could it be?

Let's put on our thinking caps and try to narrow it down! Possibly to a certain ambiguously gay someone, who followed up his mid-90's Academy Award winning performance with a slew of unwatchable family pictures.

Poor "Mystery Man." Who would have ever guessed that gratuitously long movies about gay cruises, and mentally retarded football players would have simultaneously ruin your career and fail to show you the money?

• Paris Hilton thinks Sarah Silverman is a heinous bitch. And, for once, we totally agree!

• Also, Paris' less famous (but equally unempoyed!) brother gets mugged near Penn Station while the bouncers from Stereo point at him and laugh.

• Cuba Gooding Jr. saved a guy's life, then sent himself to bed without dinner.

• After a long-term relationship with beer-bellied Vince Vaughn, whoever would have pegged Jennifer Aniston for a modelizer?

• Bruce Willis credits Will Smith with helping him to accept ex-wife Demi Moore's relationship with Ashton Kutcher. In exchange, Willis conveniently agrees to forget about the time a gangly, lean-muscled Smith tried to convince us he was Mohammad Ali.

• In between getting fake engaged and showing off her "straight off the rack" rack, The Hills' Heidi Montag has also found ample time to stalk former bestie Lauren Conrad.