• Simon Cowell: Worst. Friend. Ever.

• With one, single, remarkably unflattering picture, all that hype aboutt Britney's "hot new bod" is officially debunked.

• Danny Bonaduce apparently unaware of the "Old Guys Must Wear Shirts At All Times" rule.

• Katherine Heigl furtively smokes a cigarette. It's okay, Katherine. We all know Knocked Up was just a (ridiculously funny) movie.

• "Shocking Lindsay Lohan pictures?" We're not sure that's even possible.

• The mental picture of firecrotch Danny Bonaduce "shoving his junk" into a stripper's face is enough to make us vomit a little. But for those of you with strong stomachs, there's also a video!

• Has anyone else noticed how utterly transparent Courteney Cox has become?

• Sienna Miller bonds with Keira Knightley while filming The Edge of Love, a.k.a. the film that booted Lindsay Lohan for being a total shitshow.

• Paulina Rubio performs on TRL. Rubio remembers her lyrics, forgets to wear pants.

• Meanwhile, Calum Best is vying to become the next K-Fed.

• Lindsay Lohan returns to stripper pole, apologizes for calling the Scores girls "whores."

• Pamela Anderson and Steve Bing? Never made it to a second date.

• Surprise! Some girl is claiming she slept with Keith Urban now that he's finally enjoying some happiness with Nicole Kidman and Johnnie Walker.

• Anne Hathaway scraps Gramercy Park birthday for gay bear bash.

• Rosie O'Donnell refuses to let the Donald Trump feud go, now likening him to a pimp and Tara Conner one of his working girls.

• Danny Bonaduce faces the wrath of YouTube.

• In between galavanting with Stavros Niarchos, Paris Hilton busied herself issuing a statement saying she's never even met Tom Sizemore, let alone had sex with him (as he claims). And then there's that little photo from 2001 that shows, uh, Paris with Tom. [Radar]

• Danny Bonaduce sober may be even scarier than when he's wasted. The newly Broken Bonaduce says he's happiest when he's getting punched in the face, and says his 1991 brawl with a transvestite hooker was one of his proudest moments. Ours too. [Page Six]

• Michael Jackson is still a genius — at covering his own ass. Wacko Jacko sent out invites to various A-listers to show up at a L.A. studio tonight to record his charity single "From the Bottom of My Heart." His cover? The singers were notified late, travel agent assigned to make arrangements is conveniently on vacation in Italy and Jackson himself is staying in London. [Page Six]

• Following in the footsteps of Sonny Bono, The Governator and that "Gopher" guy from the Love Boat, Alec Baldwin is getting into politics. The pundit wanna be is a-bloggin' on Arianna Huffinton's HuffPo, offering up such wisdom as "Why are contemporary Republicans so full of shit?" Needless to say, we're quivering in our blogging boots. [Lowdown]

• Gabrielle Union, which you know from the $17 million grossing Deliver Us From Eva, is calling on her Hollywood pals to boycott L.A. nightclub Mood after owner David Judaken allegedly canceled her birthday party there upon learning she was black. He counters that her plans were never confirmed and, if she had the skin tone of Beyonce on Vanity Fair, it wouldn't have been an issue. [R&M]

• Janet Jackson has a secret daughter with quickie hubby James DeBarge, but you already knew that. We're just reinforming you so we have something to reference next week when Jermaine Dupri leaks that they're expecting. [AP]