Don't let allegations of extortion cloud your fond memory of David Hans Schmidt, the "Sultan of Sleaze" who was found dead in his home on Friday from apparent suicide. After all those cable news show appearances to plug Dustin Diamond and Colin Farrell's sex tape, Paris Hilton's storage locker paraphernalia, and most recently an alleged O.J. Simpson videotaped romp, Schmidt's name got as close as it ever would to becoming a household one when he tried gouging Tom Cruise for $1.3 million for stolen wedding photos.

Schmidt was under house arrest after agreeing to plea guilty to the Cruise extortion charges and faced up to two years in prison. Authorities decided to check in on him when his people monitor showed no movement and he failed to check in. Also, there was renewed demand for O.J.'s juice, and David had yet to lobby for a single Nancy Grace spot.

• New evidence that Brandon Davis might be as "poor" as Lindsay Lohan gives us another opportunity to make "oily heir" joke. [P6]

• Celebrity porn peddler David Hans Schmidt closes wedding deal. Wedding video said to include Donkey Punch. [R&M]

• Lindsay Lohan considers taking a year off from acting: Reason: exhaustion. [Scoop]

• Speaking of actors with record deals, Scarlett Johansson is said to have signed one. She'll be recording an entire album of Tom Waits songs. And will then do a sultry Ladies' Home Journal spread to promote it. [Fox 411]

• Jermaine Dupri blames Virgin's marketing missteps for girlfriend Janet Jackson's album sales lag. Our advice: Get fat, then skinny again. [R&M]

• Producers supposedly loved Rosie O'Donnell's cameo in Nip/Tuck so much, they want to sign her to a spin-off. And Nicole Kidman wants in! Oh, the orgy of publicist favors that created this item.

For $20 million, anyone, even Paris Hilton, can buy Paris Hilton's life. Which is now up for grabs on the Hollywood bidding block.

Because she didn't pay for a storage unit that was holding her personal items, including nude photos and all her diaries, Paris' "deepest darkest secrets" were put up for auction last November. When the contents of the storage facility were sold off for $2,775 the "Sultan of Sleaze," David Hans Schmidt was the first to jump on it.

18 diaries whose pages recount Hilton's sexual dalliances, celebrity encounters and other adventures; photographs of Hilton in a number of locales, such as St. Tropez, and "wild parties" on yachts and in private homes; as well as her computers, clothing, videos and furniture.

All we can say is, that really sucks. Paris' publicist seems to think that some kind soul is going to return all of these items to her, but, we think that's probably not going to happen.

Why don't we just take Paris' diary including "everything that would be dear to a woman's heart: relationships, personal feelings, sex, love, breakups, sexual experiences, all those little things that make up a little girl's life," and Lindsay Lohan's diary full of "Jared Leto is my bitch," and put them in a special tardseum of celebrity fuck-ups?

C'mon, what's really more important here? $20 million, or seeing thousands of little girls shriek in horror over their idol's extracurricular activities.

Treasures of Paris (Hilton) Offered for $20 Million [Robert W. Welkos, Los Angeles Times]

Of course we're going to wait for it to show up on BitTorrent, but for now we're waiting with baited breath while oogling these supposed screen caps of the one (of many?) and only Colin Farrell sex tape that's finally hit these here Internets. There's still no word from Colin's camp whether he's agreed to let the tape surface, but the proprietors behind DirtyColin.com (since booted offline) are giving you a sneak peak at the "grower, not a shower" for just $14.99.

Colin's co-star, of course, is the loose lipped (double entendre, indeed) Nicole Narain, who's been pushing for the tape's release — on Rita Cosby's show, no less. News of the tape's existence surfaced back in July when a one "J.J." was hoping Richard Johnson & Co. could offer him advice on how to sell it.

How the footage made it's way to the Internet, of course, has yet to be explained. The soundbite from his publicist: "A website attempting to distribute an unauthorized tape of Colin Farrell was shut down today. Mr. Farrell will take legal action against anyone who tries to distribute this tape." He'll also take more pills and check himself back into rehab, we presume. David Hans Schmidt, the man who's been pressing Farrell to release the tape, claims no responsibility.

And for the record, DirtyColin.com is registered to a one "John Taylor" of Coral Springs, Florida. Let the investigations begin — though we did place a call to him already and received a woman's voice on the answering machine. Ms. Narain, is that you?

Official Site [DirtyColin.com]
Colin Farrell sex tape hits Internet [LAT]
Related: Colin Farrell Sex Tape: 14-minutes of Playboy fun

• What does Paris Hilton do when she's not stealing boyfriends and blowing kisses to the cops? Make late night prank calls to sworn enemy Nicole Richie. [The Scoop]

• Mary-Kate Olsen will grace the cover of W magazine, offering fashion hints and her views on the cinema, but not on how to keep Paris Hilton from stealing your token Greek shipping heir boyfriend. [Lowdown]

• Michael Jackson has let two of his top aides go — and the secrets they've been holding as well. More bad news: The pop star's official website, MJJSource.com, is offline! [Fox 411]

• Ya know, we don't blame Maureen Dowd for loading up on Botox. After all, it can be quite taxing to be in the pages of every publication all month long. [Page Six]

• You know David Hans Schmidt as the porn peddler responsible for Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx's sex tapes. But soon you'll know him as the porn star you wish never was. [R&M]

• Donald Trump is trying to wield his reality power to knock New York Times scribe Timothy O'Brien's book off shelves. The Donald claims TrumpNation "contains out-and-out defamatory falsehoods" — and worse, that O'Brien "writes like an infantile." [Lowdown]

If you're looking for a role model, the self-proclaimed "CAA of smarm" David Hans Schmidt just might be the fella for you. He's spearheaded such charitable events as the sale of Tonya Harding's wedding night sex tape and Paula Jones' appearance in the pages of Penthouse.

Now he's being named in Colin Farrell's lawsuit, alongside Nicole Narain, for his alleged dealings in trying to tell the duo's steamy footage — and that was reason enough for the Los Angeles Times to issue a profile. As you can imagine, this isn't the first time he's been on the receiving end of legal papers (read: Jessica Lynch, Amber Frey, Jamie Foxx).

Like any respectable porn peddler, it turns out Schmidt began his career as a newspaper reporter. And then there was that fateful night in 1992 when he saw Gennifer Flowers peering at him from the cover of Star, which as any behaviorist will tell you, is an instant indicator for a future in celebrity porn.