This whole "picking a president" thing has been gangbusters for cable news. Debates sent ratings soaring! Keith Olbermann is totally the man! Glenn Beck is still a crazy person! But what's driving all this interest from American TV watchers, who can usually be described as "lazy," "uninterested," and "not even watching TV"?
Talking heads! So let's peek at some of the most in-demand names that are fueling the television economy and, for all we know, supporting terrorism. CONTINUED »
When asked by reporters about Dick Cheney's plans for Halloween, a jovial President Bush responded as follows: "This morning I was with the vice president," Bush joked. "I was asking him what costume he was planning. He said, 'Well I'm already wearing it,' and then he mumbled something about the dark side of the force." Who knew this year's frightfest would also come with a hefty dose of reality? [CNN]
Time goes by so fast! It's only Wednesday, and yet it seems already so much has happened. TMZ overlord Harvey Levin is arguably having the Best Week Ever, propelled by the continuing success of his rumor-mongering website and the (disconcerting) news that his new mudslinging tv series leads the ratings in syndication.
But who's having the worst? That would be senator Barack Obama, who's been dealt not one, but two difficult blows over the past 48 hours.
Remember back when all those high-powered White House officials leaked the identity of former CIA operative Valerie Plame, thereby ruining all her future career prospects, and leaving her with no recourse except to slap them with a lawsuit (that will inevitably be tossed) and write a book about her experience as an undercover agent (which will, undoubtedly, be quashed by the CIA prior to publication) all because of some stupid, silly grudge they had against Valerie's husband, Joseph Wilson?
Well, no final word on the book as of yet, but CNN is reporting that the lawsuit is dead in the water.
• K-Fed isn't entirely sure that his crotch-flashing, head-shaving ex is qualified to raise their children.
• Meanwhile, Britney Spears, who apparently suffers from short-term memory loss, claims she never should have been forced into rehab.
• Which, naturally, is all Lynne Spears' fault.
• In other news, Kathy Griffin reveals Dick Cheney's innermost masturbatory fantasies.
• Katie Holmes goes for the dowdy, Michael Jackson look.
• Paris Hilton goes incognito, continues to deny her (blond) roots.
• On CNN: "Co-Ed Strips for her honors thesis, gets a B." Sounds like someone's an A-cup!
• A 25 year old prince spends $10 million for one night with Michael Jackson; no one ponies up to buy the movie rights.
• Congratulations, Dick Cheney is officially a grandfather! Now, let's never speak of his lesbian daughter again.
• Kirsten Dunst pays a visit to her local speech therapist. Or general practitioner. Or doctor at the center for eating disorders. You decide.
• ABC offers more proof that its Geico cavemen series is slated for extinction.
For those of you who missed CNN's Reliable Sources yesterday, you missed some pretty amazing unintentional humor.
Host Howie Kurtz welcomed "investigative author" Diane Dimond and Baltimore Sun's television critic, David Zurawik, to comment on the over-proliferation of Anna Nicole Smith coverage by talking about…Anna Nicole Smith.
And, while the panel generally found the "All Anna, All The Time" approach to be rather excessive,** the kicker was surely when Dimond pointed out that this would "never have happened" if someone extremely unpopular had died instead. Like, for example, unattractive social pariah, Dick Cheney.
Here's an excerpt:
DIMOND: And you know what, Howie? If a less popular person died, and it wasn't Anna Nicole, the sexpot — say it was Dick Cheney. I guarantee you he would not get five straight hours of coverage on MSNBC or a full hour on "20/20." So…
Aw, c'mon, Dick deserves at least two hours of coverage, right? Two and half, if we're including Darrell Hammond's SNL parodies and The Daily Show's incessant jokes about that lawyer Cheney shot in the face.
**particularly MSNBC's decision to spend five straight hours on the Anna Nicole media circus, as opposed to, say, the every-growing potential of a war with Iran.
That wacky David Letterman is at it again, this time showing us that Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi can hardly blink back her tears of laughter during President Bush's State of the Union address.
Actually, it's unclear whether Pelosi's chronic eyelash-batting was the result of a recent lasik eye surgery (translation: lid lift), an annoying facial tic, or merely a nervous habit triggered by the pressure of forcing herself to "not zone out" during Bush's televised speech.
Either way, Dick Cheney (also in the background) masters the whole crazy, non-blinking Scientologist thing, and takes stoicism to a different level, prompting the following comments from YouTube users:
boo1312: hahaha Dick Chaney is sitting there like a block of ice.
flarkfucky: The reason Cheney doesn't blink is because he is a Cyborg.
dvdrink: get that woman some visine
Frankly, we're just impressed she managed to stay awake at all—which is more than we could do until we finally flipped over to American Idol out of boredom.
Our first instinct: By challenging the vice president on gays having kids, Wolf Blitzer finally grew a pair. Our second instinct: "Wolf Blitzer?" Someone should do the legwork to find out what his birthname was. Our third instinct: Blitzer essentially backed off and apologized for his line of questioning because … Dick Cheney stayed silent. Isn't staying silent, like, the first trick you learn in j-school?
As Intern Wendy will have you know, it's been a string of doozies for the cable network chattering class. With this election thing going down, it seems all they can talk about is politics. Well, except on Nancy Grace, where nothing close to reality is ever discussed.
• "In fact, if ever find bin Laden, put in a room with Naomi, justice will be served. She’ll end up in a burka and he’ll be dead." Michael Musto, betting Naomi Campbell could beat Osama bin Laden senseless, Countdown, October 26
• "Studying the masturbation habits of old men? . . . What about Vietnamese hookers? Do you have a problem with those? . . . What about transvestite Eskimos. Is there a single one in your district?" Tucker Carlson, asking the questions voters really care about, Tucker, October 26
• "Well, Gloria Allred, it's a good thing that here in America, just because someone disapproves of your lifestyle, they can`t boot you out of country, huh? … I frankly think you would have been gone a long time ago, Gloria." Nancy Grace, planning to send Gloria Allred to the Bahamas, Nancy Grace, October 26
• "If you are a serious journalist, you want to report the news. Sometimes the news is good, sometimes the news isn't so good." Wolf Blitzer, explaining to Lynne Cheney why he doesn't work for Fox News, The Situation Room, October 27
• "I sometimes listen to Don Imus in the morning on the grounds that, whatever is going to happen to me during the day, it can't be as bad as what's been said about me first thing in the morning while I'm shaving." Dick Cheney, revealing why Don Imus has job security at MSNBC, Your World With Neil Cavuto, October 30
• "It's like a telethon without a disease." Jack Cafferty, pondering Wolf Blitzer's marathon election coverage, The Situation Room, October 30
This AP news alert just hit the wires:
Former CIA operative Valerie Plame files suit against Vice President Dick Cheney, his former top aide Scooter Libby, and presidential adviser Karl Rove.
We're giving Matt Drudge 11 and four-thirteenths of a second to get a headline up.
Update: The full AP story is here.
• The party crew at Reuters really knows how to shake things up with liquor and ivy league humor. Cheney joke: "duck is not just a bird, it's a verb, too." Har, har. [Wonkette]
• It's tough to tell the difference between sound bites from Cookie and Playboy because (most) Playboy models are retarded and new moms have huge boobs. And with all these new hot moms posing for the nudie mag, things only get more complicated. [NYO]
• Nothing says "Happy 10th Anniversary" like shaking down those liberal cable and satellite operators for more money. Right Fox? [WSJ]
• Who knew the Belgians were really at the top of the journalism profession? So shocking that it isn't the Times. [E&P]
• Oh, Simon Dumenco. He sure does love bringing up that masturbating cat. [Ad Age]
• Forbes is bleeding staffers by the gallon. Lloyd Grove, we hope you're keeping your eyes peeled for all these job openings you'd be so perfect for. [Gawker]
Take your pick of government officials, CIA operatives and media members who have been involved in the series of leaks and bungles over the past year or so.
Likely at least one of them had something to do with this breaking CNN story involving the axing of a CIA officer. And if not, well, props to the media for still snagging those exclusive unauthorized interviews.
A CIA officer has been fired from the agency for leaking classified information to an unauthorized person, a CIA spokeswoman said Friday.
The officer admitted to "unauthorized discussions with the media in which the officer knowingly and willfully shared classified intelligence including operational information," spokeswoman Michelle Neff.
They aren't giving us much information at all, but be sure the politically aware media will be all over this. Hopefully, because we're just too busy trying to get Chris Wilson's lawyers off our back and consoling our newly adopted Dominican orphan to put up with this nonsense.
CIA: Agency officer fired in leak of classified information [Pam Benson, CNN]
And in other "our government is totally fucked up" news, the National Journal brings us a Plamegate update.
As was pretty much suspected, but never actually testified to a federal grand jury, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby admits that he "received 'approval from the President through the Vice President'" to leak intelligence regarding invisible WMDs to the Washington Post and the New York Times.
In some instances, the information leaked was directly discussed with the Vice President, while in other instances Libby believed he had broad authority to release information that would make the case to go to war.
Of course this led to the outing of CIA operative Valerie Plame, an investigation into Judith Miller which resulted in her going to jail for protecting her source, and Dick Cheney laughing in the corner because his plan to distract the media from the war is going perfectly.
Next week, when the veep accidentally shoots someone, we can only hope the gun will backfire.
Libby Says Bush Authorized Leaks [Murray Wass, National Journal]
We all know that our government is doing jack shit to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina. But apparently, that's not enough for Dick Cheney. He had to go and smuggle his way onto a New Yorker cover that was supposed to pay homage to the first post-Katrina Mardi Gras, too.
The cartoonist who sketched the original cover (which was then replaced by this Cheney/Brokeback Mountain rendition) tells the story to CartoonBrew.
The editors were very pleased with the results. The proof looked great. Some friends cried when I showed it to them. The image did what I'd hoped. It made people from here sad and proud at the same time.
I was hoping it would, I don't know, somehow help. Help call attention to our plight. Help people understand us. Then Dick Cheney shot his friend instead of a bird. A more topical cover was cobbled together. A clever twist on Cheney's folly.
Tsk, tsk, New Yorker. We thought you sided too far on the intellectual/leftest side of things to let that idiot draw the attention away from what truly matters: crazy drunken parties, Girls Gone Wild, and the forgotten people of New Orleans.
Alternate New Yorker Cover Much Better Than Real One [Gothamist]
• Is a sex tape still a sex tape if you don't see anyone getting naked? [Red Light District]
• Of course Philip Seymour Hoffman did drugs — he went to friggin' NYU. [MSNBC]
• Kristin Cavalleri, hoping to maintain her 15 minutes, is rallying behind PETA. She can resist it all she wants, but everyone knows Pamela Anderson's footsteps only lead to one helping one group of bunnies. [PETA]
• Dick Cheney is really worried about accuracy. In reporting. Not in shooting. [Fishbowl, DC]
• Ok, just because Frank Bruni's a blogger now doesn't mean he's going to Staten Island. [Eater]
• Not just cruising gay websites, but doing so with the fervor of a Details employee? Clay Aiken, the jig is up. [R&M]
From Dick Cheney's first interview about "the worst day of his life," when he shot hunting partner Harry Whittington:
"Ultimately, I'm the guy who pulled the trigger that fired the round that hit Harry," he said in a televised interview with the Fox News anchor Brit Hume in Washington.
Glad we got the chain of events linked up, in a manner that's uncomfortably close to a certain Passover sing-a-long, "Had Gadya":
A fire burned the heavy stick that beat the dog
that bit the cat
That ate the kid,
One little kid
My father bought for two zuzim.
Cheney Takes Full Responsibility for Shooting Hunter [Maria Newman, NYT]
• There's no such thing as sexual harrassment in the media. It's part of a man's creative process. [MSNBC]
• Congrats to Domino — but try not to get too excited. You know what happened to the last shelter mag that won launch of the year. [MIN]
• Everybody calm down. Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams will still have access to themselves on the local big screen. [Curbed]
• We really couldn't help but laugh out loud when we heard that The Source's March 7 issue will run a banner across the cover that reads, "Now 100% Benzino Free!" [NYP]
• So, wait. Is giving Dick Cheney access to guns a good idea? [LAT]
• Jessica Simpson won't be chillin' with Adam Levine tonight (we think that was a one time deal). Tonight, it's just her, and her girls, and a needle full of collagen. [ET]
• It wasn't only Paris Hilton who was obsessed with stalking Brain Quintanas, but, like, all the celebs try to stomp over the little people. Oh, this guy loves to sue him some celebs. [R & M]
• Robin Williams hits Scores, hoping to catch himself a Lindsay Lohan/Kate Moss pole swinging before the whole club goes to shit. [Page Six]
• First Kelly Clarkson says she wants Madonna's thighs, now Gywneth Paltrowwants Madonna's boobs? Has anyone noticed that Madonna looks like shit lately? [The Sun]
• The penalty for shooting your friend in the ass? A whopping seven dollars. [People]
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