First they said Obama's election signaled the death of political humor. Then they said Obama's election would be the saving grace of rap music. Now, not only is political humor not dead, Obama's election is going to force all the black comedians to go highbrow, because apparently you can't just "rail against the establishment" now that a black man's in charge (never mind that that makes him very much part of the establishment).
Thank Zeus Barack Obama is magic, otherwise, we think people might be expecting too much of him.
We're not jumping to conclusions here, but, just in case, here's three famous black comedians' (NSFW!!!!) takes on what it would be like to have a black president.
• Chris Rock is probably the only man in America who can get away with crying about his family's history on national TV.
• Kanye West played the Museum of Natural History. Don't we feel like assholes for watching Jericho instead of going out. CONTINUED »
• There's a video going around that's completely gross, totally NSFW and offensive to animal rights activists. One aficionado called it "the most horrible thing I've ever seen." That said, it has the potential to be the next 2 Girls 1 Cup, so here it is.
• Eddie Murphy had a lot more faith in the power of love as Prince Akheem than he does in real life.
• Jessica Alba cares for the environment, but that doesn't mean we have to care for her. CONTINUED »
• Eddie Murphy might get married this weekend.
• Barron Hilton might smoke pot, which is so shocking for a teenager growing up wealthy in Manhattan.
• Johnny Depp may have a bad case of equinophobia. That's a fear of horses, stupid.
• Nicolette Sheridan is maybe the hottest 75-year-old ever.
• Casey Aldridge may not be responsible for Jamie Lynn Spears's baby.
• Lindsay Lohan and Ashlee Simpson may have nipples. JK! They totally have nipples.
And speaking of amazing parenting, how about "Scary Spice" Melanie Brown? After months of dragging Eddie Murphy through the mud for abandoning his precious unborn child, Mel B. shows her own commitment to childrearing by thrusting the unexpected bundle of joy upon the unsuspecting housekeeper and treating herself to a four-day elopement joyride. [Stereohyped]
• Douchebag college kid still yammering about getting to first base with trainwreck former pop star.
• Meanwhile, Britney Spears and the Spice Girls square off for the chance to showcase their complete and utter lack of musical ability.
• Ricky Martin is starting to sound a lot like Michael Jackson Madonna some crazy closeted gay man.
• Who needs the calendar version of Michael Biserta, when you can still get him in video form?
• Ed Harris tries, fails to smuggle a giant butcher's knife past airport security. Then cries about it.
• "Eddie Murphy has been 'extremely disrespectful,' cries morally upstanding single mother, Scary Spice, who was secretly married back in June.
• Diddy writes a not-nice song about ex-girlfriend Kim Porter. Which was probably a good move, seeing as women who let you bang Sienna Miller, ogle Jessica Biel and impregnate other women all while birthing and raising your own children are typically a dime a dozen.
• Annoying rich kids Brody Jenner and Spencer Pratt are in a big, douchey fight.
• Tweens given opportunity to overpay for tacky, American Idol inspired wardrobe.
• Hilary Duff reduces a 9 year-old girl to tears, presumably by forcing her to listen to her crappy new album. On repeat.
• It's not that Eddie Murphy doesn't have time to chase after his ex-girlfriends. It's just that he's sick and tired of supporting their designer shoe habits. Or, you know, their children out of wedlock.
• Is Liv Tyler married to a former homo? Or, should we be asking, 'what's the frequency, Gwyneth?'
• Creepy Scientologists have evolved beyond cupcakes.
• Lindsay's 21st bday was so boring, she had to take all the exploitative photographs herself.
• Meanwhile, Salman Rushdie's rep attributes his client's impending divorce to 'too many chefs' in Padma Lakshmi's kitchen.
• Robert F. Kennedy 3rd gets freaky with a "heavyset girl" from Missy Elliott's entourage.
• Tracey Edmonds ditches Eddie Murphy after occasionally hearing or reading things that "made her wonder." Presumably, Edmonds is referring to rumors that Murphy fathered a child with Scary Spice then totally denied it. Either that or she finally watched Norbit.
• Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney apparently found religion just in time to dodge coincidentally avoid the Vietnam draft.
• Calista Flockhart soars to an impressively "not imminently alarming" BMI.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger continues to quietly hire gay politicians. Talk about being in the closet cabinet!
• After months of unofficially shagging Eddie Murphy, Tracey Edmonds has finally gotten around to officially divorcing Babyface. Related: Murphy still unofficially recognized as a douchebag for refusing to officially recognize his baby daughter.
• Meanwhile, a shark has a mysterious one night stand, shocks aquarium employees by getting knocked up.
• Eddie Murphy is officially a deadbeat dad, and an ass. Except we already knew that.
• Isaiah Washington claims "they fired the wrong guy," prompting ABC executives to say, "Oh my God, he's right. We never realized until he just said that! (Pause.) We're kidding, of course."
• Are we the only ones who think Pamela Anderson's way too old to be parading around in a skintight silver bathing suit? We'll take that deafening silence as a "yes."
• Elisha Cuthbert continues to be inconsistently sexy.
• British people are pissed to discover that Bridget Jones is actually an emaciated Hollywood actress.
As we write this, we’re looking out the window and salivating over the picture perfect weather outside, currently being wasted on lazy unemployed persons and pretentious NYU students. And so, for your sanity and ours, we’ve decided to kick off a glorious new feature called “Comment of the Day,” to provide a transient glimmer of entertainment for all you working stiffs who would much rather be downing margaritas poolside on the Jersey Shore (while fending off advances from married, guidos named Tony) than slaving away in your cubicles.
Today’s “Comment of the Day” comes to us from HollywoodRag, and it regards former Spice Girl Melanie B.'s claim that Eddie Murphy is, in fact, the (deadbeat) father of her baby girl.
And while sometimes we have a difficult time picking just one winner, today our decision was clear:
Just goes to show they did typecast him correctly as the horse’s ass in Shrek. –contessamemily
Congratulations, Contessamemily! Not only is "horse's ass" a hilarious way of saying donkey, but it does, indeed, aptly describe Eddie Murphy's level of 'Daddy Daycare'—or lack thereof, as it were.
• Katherine Heigl bans "giggling girls" from her musician fiancé's tour bus. In response, Heigl's fiancé bans "creepy chants of 'Bethany Whisper," and gaggles of much-more-attractive men who would give anything to sleep with his future wife.
• Frank Bruni conducts restaurant reviews under the name "Dirk McKenzie." Related: Bruni blasted for being lousy notetaker, praised for making it through a meal at Per Se without throwing up in the dining room.
• Nicky Hilton and Stavros Niarchos visit Paris in jail, prompting "one upset mother" to proclaim, "We don't care about no Paris Hilton." Our sentiments exactly!
• A steamy new tell-all has the inside scoop on the time Madonna and JFK, Jr. didn't sleep together. "She asked him if he had any protection. He didn't, so now they began discussing how they were going to get a hold of a prophylactic." Erotic!
• Eddie Murphy to find out whether or not he fathered Scary Spice's baby. Related: Melanie B.'s newborn said to have hilarious "Alfalfa" impression.
• Clay Aiken's fans are reportedly on a mission to become "even creepier" than Aiken himself.
• In case you were wondering, Star Jones isn't interested in taking Rosie's place on The View. Because Barbara Walters would never, ever let that happen she already has a job.
• The jury is still out as to which part of Britney Spears' extremely flattering outfit is the "absolute sexiest."
• Here's a look at Eddie Murphy in the hot tub. Which is somewhat ironic, seeing as his career is currently in the toilet.
• Lindsay Lohan parties with Us Weekly! Related: Next issue of Us Weekly to feature cover-story on Lohan's hard-partying ways!
• Kristin Cavallari: she's sooo transparent.
• Fred Durst to give the American public that Limp Bizkit reunion nobody asked for.
• Eddie Murphy addresses rumors that he's obnoxious and difficult to work with by sulking over his Oscar loss and storming out of the awards show.
Al Gore may have won the Oscar for An Inconvenient Truth. But how long until Bush demands a recount?
• Djimon Hounsou to take off his pants for Calvin Klein.
• The Village Voice gets itself a brand new Managing Editor; the Sun loses one of its most valued readers contributors.
• Diddy's twelve year old son enjoys a sleazy lap-dance four or five years before it's even "borderline acceptable."
• It turns out the Bob Woodruff story also features the less-interesting narratives of a bunch of non-famous war veterans.
• Jessica's new look bears an uncanny resemblance to American Idol's resident drunk.
• Its time to decide once and for all, which Hollywood fatty has the biggest man-boobs.
• Cause of death still unknown for Anna Nicole, but now Zsa Zsa Gabor's ex-husband is claiming he might be Dannielynn's biological dad.
• Students are starting to use "im lingo" in their essays; And u thought kidz were getting smRtr…
• Finally, Queerty responds to those gays who care way too much about being Genre's MOTY.
• Eddie Murphy is back to making crappy, unfunny flicks. It's as though he's trying to show everyone Dreamgirls was just a fluke.
• HX Media attempts to cut costs by continuing to fire the majority of its staff.
For no particular reason, here's a picture of former Spice Girl Mel B's unborn child, whom she reportedly conceived with Eddie Murphy, despite Murphy's reluctance to claim the mistake kid as his own.
The unborn baby will heretofore be known as Fetus Spice, until it breaks through the birth canal and is promptly re-named as something equally stupid but exponentially more pretentious.
• Lance Bass only needed a few days to rebound.
• Keith Urban isn't out of rehab yet. He was just allowed an outside conjugal visit.
• Gwyneth Paltrow backpeddles on hating this great nation.
• Guy Ritchie rumored to be not so happy about his burgeoning family.
• Eddie Murphy wants Spice Girl Mel-B to pinky swear the kid is his.
• Jessica Simpson ended her Dolly Parton tribute with "so nervous" and a quick exit. Appropriately, there was no applause.
• Beyonce's late gay uncle helped her buy her prom dress. Ah, memories.
Now isn't this always the way it happens: Big name star with no feet to stand on demands big-name-star payday — and everybody laughs.
While Dreamworks studio execs OK'd sizable payouts for Beyoncé, Jamie Foxx and Eddie Murphy for the upcoming Dreamgirls musical, they've shut the door on lonesome diner Usher.
Despite his Grammy-riddled CV, Usher has nary an acting credit to his name, which meant Dreamworks had little inclination to write a check for his usual sum. Instead they jumped down the list to Tyrese before landing with former B2K-er Omarian Grandberry, who you may remember from such instant classics like You Got Served.
And without the payday, we've got a hankering we might be in for another Showtime melodrama special.
• Brad Pitt is setting up post-summer season shop in the Hamptons for two months after Labor Day while Angelina Jolie films The Good Shepard in New York.
• Out former New Jersey governor James McGreevey may be penning a tell-all, but now he's got former lover Golan Cipel writing his own memoir. Meanwhile, the ex-gov is playing house on Fire Island.
• Ashley Olsen might not be returning to NYU this fall as expected, but instead transfer to the same art school Mary-Kate is attending in California, no thanks to her relationship with Greg Chait, yet another nightclub owner (this time he's based in L.A.).
• The brief fling between Sienna Miller and Orlando Bloom is likely kaput, as the Lord of the Rings star is once again in the arms of sometimes-girlfriend Kate Bosworth.
• Nightclub queen Amy Sacco isn't content with just lounges and eateries — now she's launching the travel service Air Bungalow with an inaugural flight to Miami for this weekend's MTV VMAs.
• Neither Eddie Murphy or wife Nicole are waiting for their divorce to go through to return to the single life. They're both running around L.A. hitting celeb-riddled hotspots and neither are hiding it.
Editorial Director
