Over the next two weeks, you will see "Evian girls" walking around Bryant Park. They will, according to a presser, "be wearing some fabulous designs by Gracienne Myers and Viridis Luxe, including some pretty fantastic Evian Stilettos. So keep an eye out for the Evian Girls, and make sure to grab a Brumisateur Facial Spray to help keep cool at the tents!" Also, as often as the urge may strike, please do your best not to stab these women. Even with the spikes of their shoes.

Are you a poor coward who likes to get drunk? If so, you probably shouldn't be buying alcohol, but that's certainly not going to stop booze company admen from directly targeting your demographic with their fine, destructive product. Allow us to introduce the wine tube, a grownup version of those fun-ass Mind Eraser vials they sell in Cancun. A two-ounce container of merlot (chardonnay, whatever), the wine tube is made specifically for the consumer who doesn't know their claret from their beaujolais and is too broke to buy a bottle on spec. WineSide, the machine behind the wine tubes, says they don't want customers to feel "daunted" when buying wine, and they'll be selling the wands individually or by box. Remember when boxes of tubes of wine used to be called bottles?

In related "Crappy Bottled Things" news, water baron Evian is set to release a product called "Brumisateur sprays," which one sprays on their face and body when one "just can’t get out of bed." Use them after too many tubes of wine. Or when you're a stupid person!