I wonder if Lil’ Kim knows that after Simon & Schuster gave her a $40,000 advance to write an novel in 2003, they turned around in 2005 and gave Foxy Brown, of all people, $75,000 for a memoir called Broken Silence, which I’m going to take a wild guess was meant to be about her sudden hearing loss.
When Foxy Brown walks of out prison, she wants a receiving line of fans to cheer her release. Having served eight months of her 12-month sentence for assaulting two manicurists, she's finally make her big exit today, and "wants fans waving banners and wearing Foxy Brown T-shirts to be waiting for her in the parking lot of the notorious correctional facility." No, it's not to boost her ego, silly — it's to boost her career. VH1 will have a reality TV crew there to capture it all for her upcoming show, which will chronicle her march back to the life of a free woman … a free woman her publics stopped caring about until she pulled a Naomi. Too bad Riker's Island ain't having it.
• Incarcerated diva Foxy Brown reportedly insists on accessorizing her prison jumpsuit with designer footwear. Next up for the snotty Rikers inmate: A tattoo on her forehead that says "Rape me in the shower, please!"
• Apparently, the gays don't really care much for former fatty Mike Huckabee. Then again, they're just a bunch of dirty HIV carriers who should be isolated from society and summarily destroyed.
• Watch this crappy montage of Neel Shah unsuccessfully hitting on a barrage of women! Because, in a way, there's nothing funnier than a silly man in a Mr. Rogers' cardigan attempting to brand himself as an ethnic Lothario.
• Meanwhile, watch as these stock photographs of Amy Winehouse awkwardly spliced together to the tune of "Love is a Losing Game" tell the story of small, strangely coiffed woman who can't be trusted to breathe, speak or move on her own.
• Foxy Brown pleads "not guilty" to pulling a Naomi Campbell.
• We've finally found somebody crazier than the "I Will Blow Your For Genesis Tickets" guy.
• Urban legends are sometimes real! A 7-foot python was found in the sewer pipes of a woman's apartment.
• It's hard out there for a pimp. Especially the one named Joe Francis.
• According to Wikipedia, O.J. Simpson leads the NFL in "most murders in a single season." Sometimes, even when Wikipedia is wrong, it's also kind of right.
• Rudy Giulani's attempt to literally capitalize on 9/11 (by fundraising in increments of $9.11) fails so miserably he actually ends up barely breaking even.
From Stereohyped: "Foxy Brown’s manager decided to dispel “pregnancy rumors,” started, incidentally by Foxy Brown herself and her lawyers during her probation hearing." Turns out it really wasn't a baby so much as an unabashed plea for leniency. Thankfully, neither the pregnancy nor the reduced punishment really panned out.
• Despite being locked up in a Utah rehab center, Lindsay Lohan has nonetheless managed to procure herself illegal drugs and "sex in a toilet cubicle" (or, as her counselors call it, "pulling a Larry Craig.")
• Britney Spears found guilty of child wardrobe abuse! Also, her crappy new single hits airwaves next week, much to the delight of snarky gossip columnist and YouTube parodists everywhere.
• Boycott the Olsens new clothing line! Because they're promoting the slaughter of cute little animals. And, well, because they expect you to shell out $150 for a faux-vintage t-shirt.
• Salma Hayek is totally looking forward to motherhood! Especially the part where she and her mysterious baby-daddy Francois-Henri Pinault live in complete separate continents.
• Hilary Swank shows off her brand-new A-cups in the the designer bikini version of the cheesy "tuxedo t-shirt."
• You know you're looking a mess when your fellow prison inmate describes your current weave by saying, "Her hair looks like whoever did it ran."
• Britney Spears foolishly squanders an opportunity to record a duet with her all too sympathetic ex, Justin Timberlake. Or, as Yeeeah puts it, "Justin Timberlake Tries To Ruin Career; Fails."
• Pee-Wee Herman (a.k.a. Paul Reubens) returns to television in the role of a "traveling homeopathic antidepressant representative/salesman." Which "beats" jacking off at a porno theater any day.
• That Pete Doherty is such a drug-addled mess, even his frickin' cat is hooked on heroin.
• Ever wished for the magical ability to turn everything you touch into crappy artificially fruit-flavored candy? No? Well, don't.
• Foxy Brown is being charged with felony assault, menacing, harassment and criminal possession of a weapon. When asked for a comment, Naomi Campbell replied "Ha! That bitch is even crazier than me!"
• It's Mary-Kate Olsen's acting debut! Well, not counting Full House. Or any of those crappy "Look, we're identical twins!" movies she made with Ashley.
• Jon Stewart reminds us what happens when gay people stop getting along, and start acting like a bunch of prissy queens.
• Ex-NBA ref pleads guilty in a betting scandal, for which he faces up to 25 years in prison and a lifelong fear of really pissed-off tall people.
• Foxy Brown laughs off NYPD reports that she had her hearing aid stolen and her weave ripped out in the Brooklyn projects this past weekend. When asked to explain the discrepancy, the former rapper responded, "WHAAAAT?"
• You know what sucks about turning sixteen, and having your thoughtful, doting parents surprise you with a brand new Lexus? Everything!
• After learning that she will not be the next host of The Price As Right, Rosie O'Donnell goes the mature route, saying it was a stupid, poopyhead job and she never really wanted it anyway.
• Turns out everyone was so busy criticizing Angelina Jolie's possibly-racist portrayal of Mariane Pearl in A Mighty Heart, that they forgot to actually go see the movie.
• Not only did Cameron Diaz's Communist Mao Zedong purse set off an international controversy, but it wasn't even remotely cute. Also, it totally clashed with her totalitarian shoes.
• Prince William and Kate Middleton are back together! Inside sources say Harry facilitated the reconciliation by sending Kate a DVD of The Princess Diaries, with a note saying, "HINT: This could be you."
• Italian fashion heiress Margherita Missoni's costume lauded by all; Page Six calls her a "stripper." And is sorry. [P6]
• Madonna's latest incarnation: Jew for Jesus. [Scoop]
• Make death threats about Hilary Duff's music career, not her life. [TMZ]
• Borat wins at the box office, offering a case study to Democrats at how to make fun of the Midwest while still getting their vote. [M&C]
• Foxy Brown is about to be: dumped by Def Jam's Jay-Z; placed on same level with Christina Milian. [P6]
• If Moby has kids, he hopes they're faggalas. [Scoop]
• News flash! Kanye West still cannot get enough of himself. We’re betting he even still listens to “Gold Digger.” Grody. [Modesto Bee]
• Foxy Brown’s guilty plea could be a result of her recently regaining her hearing. Or that she has the worst legal team ever. [HipHopGame]
• Mariah Carey marrying into Middle Eastern royalty could actually help our foreign policy situation. Just ship over all the crazy singers and bam! No more war. [Page Six]
• Speaking of unstable songstresses, Whitney Houston just may make a comeback soon. As long as a certain ex-video vixen continues her whore-a-thon. [R&M]
• Listen Dave Grohl. The free beer is appreciated. It's just that, well, it's not exactly consider philanthropy until you give free beer to African children with fucked up mouths. [Y!]
• Andre 3000 is on the fast track to singing acoustic versions of “Hey Ya!” at West Village bars. [Page Six]
• See, why doesn’t Jessica Simpson also have mental rests? We’re sure her mind gets so totally strained all the time. [NYDN]
• Foxy Brown and Lil’ Kim may hate each other, but they’ll probably be sisters in the slammer together sometime soon. [Y!]
• The Black Crowes fire their keyboardist. He had a crush on Kate Hudson, too. [AP]
• Jennifer Lopez proves she can keep busy even while not making any good music or movies. [Much Music]
• Natalie Portman is so brave. Especially since everyone in Isreal hates her for kissing on that wall. [Page Six]
• We bet $1200 Britney Spears hangs the glass chandelier over the baby's crib, and it falls on it. [Scoop]
• Really, who doesn't have a "Peter Sarsgaard saw my cooter" story? [Us]
• Foxy Brown pleads guilty to assault, then tries to change her answer. All of Chinatown went on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. [AP]
• Nascar will bring Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson together. How obvious was that? [Page Six]
This edition of On That Note is dedicated to any fellow backpackers who were left sans accommodations in Milan last week due to the flippin' Rolling Stones tour.
• Wait, so that whole "Mariah Carey making good music" thing wasn't just a fluke? Here's to hoping her next album doesn't have unicorns and rainbows on it. [Billboard]
• Foxy Brown is having some personal assistant issues . [Page Six]
• Here's a ditty that'll take you back to 1999: Eminem was charged with assault! Flash forward to the present: the charge has since been dropped. Nice to see he's keeping his name out there. [Hiphop Game]
• Australians confirm they hate Barry Manilow even more than every girl named Mandy. [AP]
• Justin Timberlake was all set to make his big-screen debut, but the only place we'll find his upcoming movie is on the straight to DVD rack. Ouch. [MTV]
• Us Weekly backpaddles from its "Where's Suri?" coverstory and caves to Katie Holmes' assertion that her baby girl is "doing great." Add in reported sightings of Suri with Katie during their Telluride holiday and it's a full-blown Janice Min about-face. [TMZ]
• With Jessica Simpson likely to host the Teen Choice Awards, what's a girl to do when Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo are nominees? [People]
• Finally a fashion juggernaut of a couple splitting, and it's not the Spades. [Page Six]
• Paris and Nicole's feud is good for ratings: E! has ordered up another season of The Simple Life for '07. [E!]
• Foxy Brown misses court date, escapes judge's wrath. [Lowdown]
• Star has a clever way of insinuating Hollywood's starlets got lipo without actually saying as much. [Popbytes]
• Natalie Portman is baring all for her new flick Goya's Ghosts, but only because it's arty. [Page Six]
• In between beachin' it with Hard Rock Hotel & Casino heir Harry Morton, Lindsay Lohan inked a deal to be the new pimpled face of Proactiv. [E!]
• It's the oldest tale in the book: Up-and-coming hip-hop artist signs record label deal. Artist wants to leave record deal. Artists buys himself out. Record label leaks entire album. [Gatecrasher]
• Just as Lil' Kim is wrapping up her crime's debt to society, Foxy Brown is only beginning hers. [Lowdown]
• Alec Baldwin will only do press if it makes him look like a loving father and husband. [Page Six]
• The Fall Out Boy boys and The Killers really need to stop listening to 50 Cent. It's only going to end in violence. [NME]
• The thought of Gene Simmons in bed with anyone makes us throw up in our mouths a little bit. Ok, a lot. [NYDN]
• After Ol' Dirty Bastard's untimely death, hip-hop was missing a resident cracked-out fuck up. But, relax. DMX is quickly filling the void. [Billboard]
• Foxy Brown, no longer deaf, returns to work. Please, try to contain your enthusiasm. [MTV]
• Dave Matthews Band would like to make up for dumping their shit all over those poor Chicago cruisers. [AP]
• The Roots' ?estLove explains why doing a guest spot with Foxy Brown could prove a bit difficult. Because she's deaf is just one of the reason being thrown out there. [MTV]
• If there's anything that picks Eminem up from a bout with depression, it's pretending to be a gun-toting killer. [R&M]
• Phil Collins and Dana Tyler are officially the most random couple we've ever encountered. [Page Six, NYO]
• We finally have a set of memoirs we want to read. Pete Doherty wanted to call the book Junkie or A Million Little Pieces, but those were already taken. May we suggest Holy Shit I'm Not Dead Yet? [NME]
• Richard Ashcroft learns first-hand how ridiculous — uh, we mean necessary — the law against public intoxication really is. [Jam!]
Foxy Brown got her day in court Christmas Eve, when she appeared on charges that she beat up two Chelsea manicurists. Because she's now deaf, Foxy apparently didn't hear the judge ask her to spit out her gum (which the rapper said she wasn't even chewing). Not that you would know any of this from the Daily News headline, "Foxy gets slap for yap". Is yap, like, some new street word for Bubblicious? She didn't get handcuffed to the desk for talking, so…maybe we drank too much eggnog last week, but we don't get it.
Either way, one thing often leads to another in these cases; Foxy stuck out her tongue, then got handcuffed to the bench.
The judge told Brown she'd be facing 30 days in jail for contempt if she didn't say she was sorry soon and left the courtroom for a second time.
Ok, let's get this straight. Foxy gets in trouble for chewing gum and sticking out her tongue then she's put in a time-out until she says she's sorry. This whole episode, which sounds more like Super Nanny than People's Court, makes almost as much sense as the headline it was filed under.
Foxy gets slap for yap [Thomas Zambito, NYDN]
• Someone is finally suing Tom Cruise's doctor. Didn't we learn about not taking "magic pills" from strangers after Jack and the Beanstalk? [Page Six]
• Celebrity divorce is even messier when the public takes sides. We, however, will be siding with Jessica Simpson on this one. Until Nick Lachey can bribe us with VIP section entrance to Pacha that is. [Lowdown]
• One benefit to Foxy Brown's hearing loss is that she can't hear the Bendel's clerks whispering about her. [Page Six]
• What's almost as good as the twelve days of Christmas? The twelve music videos of Death Cab for Cutie. (And we thought that was just our name for David riding around in traffic this morning). [NYDN]
Editorial Director
