Goddamn, The South! Y'know, we really do try to cut you some slack – seriously, we do – but you just make detesting you so easy sometimes.
During a July 30 interview on talking face Glenn Beck's radio broadcast, Toby Keith, Oklahoman and the musical genius behind the hit pro-lynching anthem "Beer for My Horses," told Beck that he thinks Barack Obama is highly successful with black Americans because "he don't talk, act or carry himself like a black person." Keith then added that he thinks "black society" views Obama as a "Caucasian." HE SAID THIS ON LIVE RADIO WITHOUT ANY SHAME! (Listen for yourself up above.)
You would be right in thinking Glenn Beck is a repulsive person. He commanded an ounce of sympathy during his health care scare, but he's used up his reserve of anyone needing to feel sorry for him with his attack on Congress apologizing for slavery.
You remember, slavery? That two hundred year-plus period of time where America imported Africans, who, while being raped, murdered, and treated like animals, built this country into everything it is? Well, the House of Representatives finally got around to formally apologizing for all of it!
For Mr. Beck, it was a despicable waste of time! And: An affront to Christianity. CONTINUED »
You might be surprised to hear this, but that annoying pudgy guy on CNN Headline News is one of the most cash-flush pundits around. Not only is he picking up a fee for hosting his nightly show, but he also re-upped with Clear Channel's Premiere Radio Networks last year, for which he hosts a conservative talk show, signing a $50 million/5-year deal that makes him the third highest paid radio star around.
Now add another $3 million to Beck's coffers, courtesy a two-book deal with Simon & Schuster. And if you thought his obnoxious 7pm show fed America's appetite for this sort of thing, you'd be wrong: Beck's books sell. In huge numbers. CONTINUED »
HE'S AN ASS MAN Glenn Beck got all huffy puffy over the state of health care in America after a cocktail of drugs totally blew his mind. In a bad way. But what got him there in the first place? Ass surgery. Dude had to get hemorrhoids removed. [HuffPo]
This week's theme from Correspondent Wendy: Ickiness. Glenn Beck's butt, K-Fed's "magic wand," and Keith Olbermann's code word for intimate moments. It's enough to make one correspondent hurl. CONTINUED »
Glenn Beck's monologue on his botched surgery experience leads him down Michael Moore's path, ranting about the American health care system. He doesn't clue us in to what his surgery was for – but, come Monday, might start naming the names who wronged him – but it's hard not to think, with his double-chin agog, perhaps it was a Donda West-kinda surgery. Or did Beck live through the plotline of Awake?
How easy is it to go from being a forgettable Christian radio host and Top 40 DJ to signing a five-year deal worth $50 million to continue hosting your own conservative cable talk show? Apparently, very!
And so, in the interest of jogging your memories and ours, we've decided to peruse the archives of Cable Quotables and take a look back at some of the valuable contributions that millionaire pundit Glenn Beck has made to the cultural stratosphere. Read on, then ask yourselves one very important question:
Seriously?
There is plenty to pull from Glenn Beck's GQ interview. Lines like "The twelve years after high school were a blur of ambition, booze, weighty family responsibilities, pot, expensive cars, coke, workaholism, and dickish behavior" just roll off your tongue like pseudo-anti-Muslim does from his.
And then there are pullquote-ables like this:
One of the reasons he lives in Fairfield County, Connecticut, is that it’s out of reach of a nuclear explosion in Manhattan. It can be difficult, at times, to separate Beck’s shtick from his beliefs, but when he talks about World War III, he’s not demagoguing. He is earnestly convinced that America is on the brink of another Holocaust, and the choice is clear: Confront radical Islam or repeat 1930s Europe’s sins of apathy and appeasement.
Another reason he lives in Fairfield: In Manhattan, $4.25 million isn't going to buy you enough space for those "built-in bookshelf hold[ing] works of prophecy by Nostradamus and the Maya, a book called Spirits in Rebellion, and a volume of Mormon doctrine."
Sean Hannity, Mark Levin, Glenn Beck, Hugh Hewitt, and Janet Parshall were among those invited to the second annual closed door White House chat, aimed to "gauge the conservative talk-radio audience's feelings about issues and policies." And surprise: None of them told their audiences about it. [NYDN]
It's one thing to watch Glenn Beck totally fawn over Alex Rodriguez to make you want to reach for glass shards to decorate your carotid artery.
It's another thing entirely for A-Rod to accept the title of "good guy" and talk about "hard word, dedication, and staying out of trouble," being a "husband and father" and the "tremendous joy" he sees watching his "baby girl" "educate her mind" in light of recent events.
Is the "Glenn Beck experiment" a total failure? The CNN Headline News anchor's ratings are down – his 7pm program was the lowest-rated show from 5pm to midnight in all of cable news (except Tuesday) last week; same goes for his 9pm hour – and, says political blog My Two Sense, "he shows no signs of improving any time soon."
Or maybe we're just freaking out over an abnormal week? CONTINUED »
Okay, so you know how Intern Wendy's always putting together those helpful Cable Quotables?
Well, apparently, she's not the only one getting a chuckle (and/or a shudder) out of television's most radical** news anchors.
In the latest issue of Rolling Stone, Keith Olbermann proves he's a one-man punchline when it comes to knocking frequent CQ targets, The Coop, Glenn Beck and Nancy Grace.
And, as always, "The Big O" isn't holding anything back:
Anderson Cooper: "…He is the only person who has not been informed that he is a marketing experiment."
Glenn Beck: "A wolf in sheep's clothing. A very dangerously bigoted guy who's selling himself as a pragmatic philosopher. I don't think he sees his own bigotry. There's something about him that suggests one night he will say something that costs him his career in television."
Nancy Grace: "Anybody who would embellish the story of their own fiance's murder should spend that hour a day not on television but in a psychiatrist's chair. Really."
Don't worry, Wendy— your internship is safe with us. Because, fortunately, with all the crazies fronting their own agenda-fueled tv shows nowadays, there's more than enough material to go around.
Besides, it's Olbermann who should probably to watch his step from now on. Because the "countdown" to the inevitable media retaliation (from his favorite right-wing punchbags) starts…NOW.
**NOTE: We mean "radical" in the non-surfer sense of the word.
We must say, we're warming up to this Glenn Beck character. It's becoming clear that he's unfairly been lumped into the CNN Headline News regimen, by which we mean, constantly having his name in the same sentence as Nancy Grace. But as Intern Wendy finds, that need is no longer: Beck is his own man.
• "I`m a guy. I speak for all men when we say, we live to get women naked. Period." —Glenn Beck, who obviously hasn't seen Rosie O'Donnell nude, Glenn Beck, January 12
• "Are we talking O‘Reilly? Are we talking Geraldo, Hannity, Colmes? Because when you say every single one of them, frankly, it sounds a little promiscuous. So I want to know exactly who are we talking about here. I want names." —Willie Geist, searching for the identities of Condoleeza Rice's "Fox Boys," Tucker, January 11
• "I wish I could make my hair do that." —Joe Scarborough, jealous of Donald Trump's locks, Scarborough Country, January 11
• "OK, hold on, hold on, the man who brought sexy back to MSNBC." —Joe Scarborough, naming Willie Geist as MSNBC's answer to Justin Timberlake, Scarborough Country, January 11
• "To the basic point that the world has basically gotten greedy and selfish, and that Jesus, if he came back, would kick some butt?" —Neil Cavuto, confusing Jesus Christ with Rambo, Cavuto on Business, January 13
Yeah, yeah, MSNBC's ratings are doing better, all thanks to Keith Olbermann. While FNC is slipping, it's still leading the pack. And CNN? Break that race horse's ankles and it's still going to cross the finish line. But what about the bitches of cable news — those secondary networks like CNBC that are more or less experiments in brand extension? For CNN Headline News, things are looking up, thanks to a one Glenn Beck and a little lady named Nancy Grace.
Headline News is a channel that averages 337,000 viewers in prime time, a 59 percent increase from the 212,000 viewers it attracted before changing formats two years ago. Grace and radio talk-show host Glenn Beck are making a lot of noise–not just arguing with people but, alas, in terms of ratings.
Where Headline News averaged around 200,000 viewers before Grace's arrival, it now does better than a half-million in her time period. The ratings for Beck's slot since he arrived in May, and bumped "Showbiz Tonight" to another time, are up 65 percent. Among viewers age 18 to 49, he's up 95 percent.
Though to be fair, Amy Poehler deserves some credit: Without the SNL comic's regular impersonations, a good 12 or 14 people might not know the true beauty that shines through when Nancy starts attacking one of her guests. Not sure about you, but a fight between two pit bulls will never hold our interest; we need a Doberman going after a Mini Schnauzer.
Nancy Grace talking about anal sex? That's better than watching both Saturday Night Live and Studio 60 parody her. And it's why Intern Wendy sticks around these parts.
• "Well, full disclosure here, before we really get going here. I was, at one time, a Hulkamaniac. I had the T-shirt, the whole thing. My parents had to strip the shirt off me." Willie Gest, unleasing his inner wrestler, Tucker, October 23
• "Wa, wa, wait, wait! Consensual anal sex? I think you left that part out." Nancy Grace, on taking it in the ass, Nancy Grace, October 24
• "Both, both and a gun." Chelsea Handler, on who she would choose between Rosie O'Donnell and David Hasselhoff, Scarborough Country, October 24
• "Well, Glenn, I am a journalist, after all." Erica Hill, trying to figure out what Glenn Beck is, Glenn Beck, October 24
• "Here we have Pole Dancing with the Stars. This could be a big hit. But if Paris gets in a competition with the pole, she might lose, you know? That pole is not only smarter than her, it‘s got more talent, and it‘s about the same shape." Tom O'Neill, revealing Paris Hilton's next career move, Scarborough Country, October 25
Even though Tucker Carlson is fading rapidly from popular culture and Nancy Grace is driving her guests to suicide, Intern Wendy has still worked diligently all week to put together this week's list of Cable Quotables. It's totally worth reading this round, if only to revel in the fact that Bill O'Reilly wants to send himself to Gitmo.
• "I mean, you`re — I mean, you`re like way over that. Let me ask you this way. Nobody really wants to talk to you at parties, do they?" —Glenn Beck, bonding with Jeopardy champ Ken Jennings, Glenn Beck, September 14
• "And I noticed, Bethany, in her blogging — I call them e-mails — her blogging, she talks about how a lot of you — and we can`t confirm this is her blog. I mean, she's dead and gone now." —Nancy Grace, showing her grief about Melinda Duckett's death, Nancy Grace, September 14
• Right now in Guantanamo Bay, detainees are allowed eight hours of sleep, three meals a day, two hours of outside exercises daily, and a bevy of entertainment and religious options." Bill O'Reilly, revealing his next vacation, The O'Reilly Factor, September 15
• "Even if you're playing Hitler, you have to find an inner thing to like him." —Larry King, finding his inner Fuehrer, Larry King Live, September 15
• "Well, it‘s kind of like me trying to act, you know? I‘m pretty good in those skits, though, aren‘t I?" —Joe Scarborough, sharing what he has in common with George Clooney, Scarborough Country, September 15
• "Well, it sounds a little nutty, Miles, dig a moat or something filled with crocodiles." —Major General Don Sheppard, on how we're really keep Baghdad safe, American Morning, September 18
• "I think Kinky Freidman is the first to give you the finger on the air." —Willie Geist, Tucker, September 18
Before Tucker Carlson was the star of Dancing with the Stars, he was the star of Cable Quotables. And some TV shows and stuff. We know we were supposed to run Intern Wendy's round-up yesterday, but, well, we couldn't stop giggling long enough to post it.
This week, Nancy Grace, Joe Scarborough, and Glenn Back prove there's only one thing their mind. Yup, it's the same thing that's always on Joe Francis'.
• "Ruh-roh! Changing a story. You know what? There's nothing like telling the police you're up in a tree outside the victim's window, masturbating, to get you off the hook on a murder case." —Nancy Grace, offering a time tested alibi, Nancy Grace, September 7
• "We're back with Pancho Gonzales." —Larry King reveals his petname for Andre Agassi, Larry King Live, September 7
• "Tucker, as long as they're giving away positions to reality show contestants, I think you should be the ambassador to Luxembourg." —Willie Geist, revealing Tucker Carlson's post "Dancing With the Stars" gig, Tucker, September 7
• "But did she tell the cops the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the slutty truth?" —Joe Scarborough, questioning Paris Hilton's honesty, Scarborough Country, September 7
• "I think she likes me now. All I had to say was I'm a drunk and she likes me." —Glenn Beck, on picking up chicks, Glen Beck, September 8
• "I'm sorry to blow your mind, Congressman, but that‘s allowed in this country!" Tucker Carlson, protecting his right to make no sense, Tucker, September 8
This weeks Cable Quotables, courtesy of Intern Wendy, are hilarious. The Dancing With the Stars issues are heating up and Rosie O'Donnell's pubic hair is not amusing anyone. Well, except Barbara Walters.
• “I mean, it’s like I told somebody the other day, I said, it’s like me getting killed by a poodle, you know?” — Jack Hanna, on the real deadly beasts, On the Record, September 5
• “Rosie O‘Donnell taken naked baths with her kids, talking about “her fur.” This violates what we in the news business refer to as the breakfast rule. Anything you put on television or in a newspaper that will spoil someone‘s breakfast is verboten, not allowed, can‘t do it.” — Tucker Carlson, endorsing the "watch Rosie"l diet plan, Tucker, September 5
• “He must be taken down, Tucker.” Willie Geist, warning Tucker Carlson about dancing demon Mario Lopez, Tucker, September 5
• “Well, sir, I can only hope it includes memorabilia and porn movies.” — Nancy Grace, with ideas on how O.J. Simpson can make money, Nancy Grace, September 5
• “So, what is that we’re looking at? What is the curly part and what is—the straight part is the—the sting…” Anderson Cooper, getting his "straight parts" all lined up, Anderson Cooper 360, September 5
• “I had to pay to get a cup of coffee in the judge`s chambers. They have a little styrofoam cup. And if you wanted a cup of coffee, you darn well better pay, OK? And it was bad coffee, too.” Nancy Grace, inadvertently pimping for Starbucks, Nancy Grace, September 6
• “When I was in college I majored in throwing up in my sleep.” — Glenn Beck, on why higher education is worth it, Glenn Beck, September 6
Yay! Intern Wendy is here to save the day. We've got your snack right here, kiddies, so just relax. This week, Glenn Beck tried to seduce viewers with autographed photos of Anderson Cooper and Tucker Carlson hung out with his new Dancing With the Stars BFF Jerry Springer. We know this weather is depressing, but the long weekend is just around the corner, so do yourself a favor and laugh at Nancy Grace. Really, it helps.
• "I know, but now that he has got job, it kind of wrecks it, though. You know what I mean?" —Tucker Carlson, pissed off that Kevin Federline found employment, Tucker, August 28
• "OK. So he`s not just a perv, he`s a hairless perv." —Nancy Grace, hot for John Mark Karr post-laser treatments, Nancy Grace, August 29
• "I mean, I think I could even score you an autographed picture of Anderson Cooper. I don`t know, you know, if I can get it personalized." —Glenn Beck, pimping out Anderson Cooper for viewers, Glenn Beck, August 29
•"Six truckloads carrying more than 220,000 pounds of tomatoes. Or is it tomates in Spain? I'm not sure. They were used – people pelted with – each other. We've all seen this. It happens every year. We have to talk about it every year." —Anderson Cooper, hasn't been practicing Spanish with Julio, Anderson Cooper 360, August 30
• "Have they ever like stopped a dance in the middle? You know how you stop a fight. That‘s what I‘m concerned about. That someone‘s going to throw in the towel in the middle of my dance and say get him out of here." —Jerry Springer, longing to literally throw in the towel, Tucker, August 30
• "I hope they asked her if she has facial hair and would she wear a push-up bra, too." —Pat Lalama, on what else Katie Couric needs photoshopped, Showbiz Tonight, August 30
• "We were once called "Crossfire on methamphetamines" when we first got started!" —Alan Colmes, on why their viewers are crackheads, Hannity and Colmes, August 30
Today's Cable Quotables are short and sort of sweet. As Intern Wendy points out, things are less funny when there's a war going on. But, thankfully, we always have Tucker Carlson to keep us calm and under control. And Glenn Beck's chocolate cake.
• “I love Macy’s. But there’s no one to help you. You literally cannot give your money away. You’re like, can I buy this? Can I buy this? Please, can you sell this to me?” —Soledad O’Brien, getting no respect, American Morning, August 11
• “I’m not trying to scare anybody. Come on. I’m merely a talk show host. I don’t scare people.” —Tucker Carlson, obviously not talking about his dancing skills, Tucker, August 11
• “Does crying work for men as well as women?” —Tucker Carlson, hoping to manipulate those Dancing With the Stars judges, Tucker, August 14
• “I present to you the lazy man`s black forest cake. Four ingredients: cake, pudding, Cool Whip, cherries. That`s it. The directions: You put them all on top of the cake and wait for the end of the world. There you go. Eat away. ” —Glenn Beck, offering recipes while waiting for the apocalypse, Glenn Beck, August 14
• “My career is over.” —Joe Scarborough, Scarborough Country, August 14
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