This weeks Cable Quotables, courtesy of Intern Wendy, are hilarious. The Dancing With the Stars issues are heating up and Rosie O'Donnell's pubic hair is not amusing anyone. Well, except Barbara Walters.

• “I mean, it’s like I told somebody the other day, I said, it’s like me getting killed by a poodle, you know?” — Jack Hanna, on the real deadly beasts, On the Record, September 5

• “Rosie O‘Donnell taken naked baths with her kids, talking about “her fur.” This violates what we in the news business refer to as the breakfast rule. Anything you put on television or in a newspaper that will spoil someone‘s breakfast is verboten, not allowed, can‘t do it.” — Tucker Carlson, endorsing the "watch Rosie"l diet plan, Tucker, September 5

• “He must be taken down, Tucker.” Willie Geist, warning Tucker Carlson about dancing demon Mario Lopez, Tucker, September 5

• “Well, sir, I can only hope it includes memorabilia and porn movies.” — Nancy Grace, with ideas on how O.J. Simpson can make money, Nancy Grace, September 5

• “So, what is that we’re looking at? What is the curly part and what is—the straight part is the—the sting…” Anderson Cooper, getting his "straight parts" all lined up, Anderson Cooper 360, September 5

• “I had to pay to get a cup of coffee in the judge`s chambers. They have a little styrofoam cup. And if you wanted a cup of coffee, you darn well better pay, OK? And it was bad coffee, too.” Nancy Grace, inadvertently pimping for Starbucks, Nancy Grace, September 6

• “When I was in college I majored in throwing up in my sleep.” — Glenn Beck, on why higher education is worth it, Glenn Beck, September 6

Yay! Intern Wendy is here to save the day. We've got your snack right here, kiddies, so just relax. This week, Glenn Beck tried to seduce viewers with autographed photos of Anderson Cooper and Tucker Carlson hung out with his new Dancing With the Stars BFF Jerry Springer. We know this weather is depressing, but the long weekend is just around the corner, so do yourself a favor and laugh at Nancy Grace. Really, it helps.

• "I know, but now that he has got job, it kind of wrecks it, though. You know what I mean?" —Tucker Carlson, pissed off that Kevin Federline found employment, Tucker, August 28

• "OK. So he`s not just a perv, he`s a hairless perv." —Nancy Grace, hot for John Mark Karr post-laser treatments, Nancy Grace, August 29

• "I mean, I think I could even score you an autographed picture of Anderson Cooper. I don`t know, you know, if I can get it personalized." —Glenn Beck, pimping out Anderson Cooper for viewers, Glenn Beck, August 29

•"Six truckloads carrying more than 220,000 pounds of tomatoes. Or is it tomates in Spain? I'm not sure. They were used – people pelted with – each other. We've all seen this. It happens every year. We have to talk about it every year." —Anderson Cooper, hasn't been practicing Spanish with Julio, Anderson Cooper 360, August 30

• "Have they ever like stopped a dance in the middle? You know how you stop a fight. That‘s what I‘m concerned about. That someone‘s going to throw in the towel in the middle of my dance and say get him out of here." —Jerry Springer, longing to literally throw in the towel, Tucker, August 30

• "I hope they asked her if she has facial hair and would she wear a push-up bra, too." —Pat Lalama, on what else Katie Couric needs photoshopped, Showbiz Tonight, August 30

• "We were once called "Crossfire on methamphetamines" when we first got started!" —Alan Colmes, on why their viewers are crackheads, Hannity and Colmes, August 30

Today's Cable Quotables are short and sort of sweet. As Intern Wendy points out, things are less funny when there's a war going on. But, thankfully, we always have Tucker Carlson to keep us calm and under control. And Glenn Beck's chocolate cake.

• “I love Macy’s. But there’s no one to help you. You literally cannot give your money away. You’re like, can I buy this? Can I buy this? Please, can you sell this to me?” —Soledad O’Brien, getting no respect, American Morning, August 11

• “I’m not trying to scare anybody. Come on. I’m merely a talk show host. I don’t scare people.” —Tucker Carlson, obviously not talking about his dancing skills, Tucker, August 11

• “Does crying work for men as well as women?” —Tucker Carlson, hoping to manipulate those Dancing With the Stars judges, Tucker, August 14

• “I present to you the lazy man`s black forest cake. Four ingredients: cake, pudding, Cool Whip, cherries. That`s it. The directions: You put them all on top of the cake and wait for the end of the world. There you go. Eat away. ” —Glenn Beck, offering recipes while waiting for the apocalypse, Glenn Beck, August 14

• “My career is over.” —Joe Scarborough, Scarborough Country, August 14

Today may be the funniest Cable Quotables round-up we've had in a while. Glenn Back creaming himself over cookies, Rita Cosby's guests attacking her for once, and Nancy Grace with more "take your pants off" talk. Intern Wendy must have had a fun week. Grab a glass of milk, and get ready to pop these quotes in your mouth. You know they just scream "read me, read me!"

• “Glenn, Glenn? I am so tasty, thick layer of yummy fudge, two delicious cookies. Sure, it looks like you`re biting the head off a cute little midget that lives in a tree, but it`s OK. I don`t feel pain. Buy me, Glenn. Buy me!” —Glenn Beck, dirty talking with the Keebler elf, Glenn Beck, August 8

• “I also demanded and I got Anderson Cooper‘s manicurist. We also got his dermatology technician to apply my bi-daily facials. And last but not least, John Gibson‘s personal hairstylist.” —Joe Scarborough, not such an average Joe at heart, Scarborough Country, August 8

• “Are you on crack?” —Shannon Tweed, analyzing Rita Cosby’s interviewing skills, Scarborough Country, August 9

• “Now, when Rosie (Nancy Grace’s producer) shows up at work with an AR-15, it will be wrong, but I don‘t think anybody will be surprised.” —Tucker Carlson, predicting that Nancy Grace will be a corpse on her own show, Tucker, August 9

• “I'm going to make a confession. I don't think I'm nuts. That's exactly what people think when they're nuts. People who are nuts never think they're nuts, which to me is proof positive I'm not insane.” —Glenn Beck, proving he’s crazy, Glenn Beck, August 9

• “Did he have on pants?” —Nancy Grace, praying for a naked ass corpse, Nancy Grace, August 10

Intern Wendy has a treat for you! She's pulled all the hilarious quote that have been uttered since Friday and brought them to the table for you to chew on. Radio sex? George Michael's lover? Old Sparky the electric chair. Oh, yeah … it's all here. Yumm.

• “Now, you guys, if I want to buy a bike for myself or for Joe Scarborough, anybody here, how much would it be? For me, it would be free, right?” —Rita Cosby, trying to score freebies from the American Chopper guys, Scarborough Country, July 27

• “Described by British tabloids as a pot-bellied, jobless van driver, there he is, Norman Kirkland. You can see how hard it would be to resist Norm especially under the intoxicating moonlight. Plus come on, the guy‘s got a van.” —Brian Unger, on the attributes of George Michael’s sex partner, Countdown, July 28

• “I'd like to introduce you to someone. He`s got the street name ‘Old Sparky.’ That`s the Georgia electric chair. It`s recently been painted—repainted white.” —Nancy Grace, getting high off the paint fumes from Old Sparky the electric chair, Nancy Grace, July 28

• “Well, I would not deny you the stupid, if that`s what you choose to be.” —Rev. Al Sharpton, giving Glenn Beck permission to be an idiot, Glenn Beck, July 28

• “Let's talk for a moment about sex radio, because, you know, from what I`ve understood it really isn't sex radio. I mean isn't sex like pictures? Don't you really need to see what's going on to make this happen?” —Bill Handel, Glenn Beck, July 31

Every day is a good day for quoting the talking heads that be, even if Anderson Cooper is all the way over in the Middle East trying to keep all humor out of his nightly reports. Intern Wendy listened to hours upon hours of chow chow just to pull this exhilarating quotes from across the networks, just for you. In this edition, Keith Olbermann manages to say something without putting on a mask or giving a "heil" sign, and Tucker Carlson just can't stop making a fool out of himself.

• “With each passing day, the terrible reality becomes more and more likely that the fragile little two-faced kitty who captivated a nation may have finally used up all of his 18 lives. Stay tuned to Nancy Grace for nightly updates.” —Keith Olbermann, finding a story worth of Nancy Grace’s talents, Countdown, July 20

• “Leave me alone. Leave me alone. I‘m naked. Look at me.” —Joe Scarborough, channeling Britney Spears, Scarborough Country, July 20

• “Where is everybody?” —Tucker Carlson, baffled the Israelis aren’t outside enjoying the bomb shower, Tucker, July 21

• “I think the balloon, there‘s no question the balloon is up and it‘s interesting, a lot of this you learn by tone.” —We have no idea what Tucker Carlson is talking about, Hardball, July 21

• "Apparently, some locals didn‘t care for our coverage or the idea of the media in general and started harassing me during my show about an hour ago, went up and urinated on our gear, for one thing, and threatened us.” —Tucker Carlson, literally pissing people off, Scarborough Country, July 21

• “I mean, I can`t help but ask you, because I`m a freak. I`m sorry, but I`m a freak.” —Glenn Beck, getting his freak on, Glenn Beck, July 21

This segment, brought to you by Intern Wendy and Bill O'Reilly, needs no introduction. But we'll give you one anyways.

Now that we have to feed you people twice a week, we can start to feel certain portions of our brain melting away as we pull the soundbites from our favorite cable TV personalities. Sadly, Tucker Carlson is missing from this week's edition … but, have no fear. We hear he'll still be on the air for at least another month or so.

• “So, when it‘s all said and done, is this between America and Iran? How can we say with a straight face that this does not involve America and Iran?” —Nancy Grace stops laughing at Elizabeth Smart to laugh at war, Nancy Grace, July 17

• “Oprah is really butch. If you took a good drag queen — a good drag queen version of Oprah and put it next to Oprah, you would not be able to tell these two apart.” —Tom O’Neil, Countdown, July 18

• “I mean, taking what we call talent from under the bright lights of the stage, as it were, and moving him directly into the position of general manager. Where do they get ideas like this? I don‘t care how sharp the guy is. What are the other players going to think? I mean, who would . . . Oh, yeah. Sorry, Mr. Abrams, never mind.” —Keith Olbermann is not feeling the love, Countdown, July 19

• “We hope to see you next time. If you don’t watch, I understand.” —Bill O’Reilly knows he has no viewers, The O’Reilly Factor, July 19

• “Am I turning into Bill O`Reilly? I really—I don’t want to be that guy.” —Glenn Beck, having a bloviator-induced hallucination, Glenn Beck, July 20

• “I actually read this book. Geraldo made me.” —Bill O’Reilly, the only man to read Geraldo Rivera’s autobiography, The O’Reilly Factor, July 20

This week, Glenn Beck give us pointer on losing those last 10 pounds, Anderson Cooper teaches Italian, Dan Abrams bids farewell, and Keith Olbermann literally says "blah, blah, blah." Or, that's just what Intern Wendy heard because when he talks everyone feels like a member of Charlie Brown's gang.

Our cable newscasters may not bring you anything you want to know, need to know, or care about at all, but they sure do make it easy to laugh on a Friday afternoon.

• "It rained earlier this morning when the president was here. The sun has now come out." —Anderson Cooper, Anderson Cooper 360, June 16

• "You know, you don't have to be a backup dancer to know that, you know, the whole freeloading concept worked very well in Beverly Hills, but when you're in a tent in the jungle, not so good, right?" —Brian Unger, revealing why Kevin Federline won't go to Namibia, Countdown, June 16

• "Haven't decided yet what's going to replace it, but hopefully it will be a more interesting, more compelling program that even more people will watch." —Dan Abrams, happily cancelling his own show, The Abrams Report, June 16

• "Ciao. Grazie. Grazie. That's what I feel like you should say when you're riding a Vespa." —Anderson Cooper, explaining scooter etiquette to Erica Hill, Anderson Cooper 360, June 21

• "So our No. 2 story in the Countdown, the new "American Idol" spin-off, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…premieres on NBC, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Simon Cowell, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, David Hasselhoff crying, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Maria Menounos, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!" —Keith Olbermann, summarizing "America's Got Talent," Countdown, June 21

• "Coming up on The Situation, there is nothing cuter than a baby who looks like a pimp, is there?" —Tucker Carlson, no doubt visualizing K-Fed as a baby, The Situation, June 21

• "First, you send me a picture of yourself wearing something, shall we say, really revealing, in a humiliating position. If you don`t hit your target weight, I show your picture on national television just like that. Then I`m going to e-mail the pictures to my list of over 100,000 subscribers on my e-mail. Then I put them on my web site. Then I publish them in my national magazine." —Glenn Beck, detailing his public humiliation diet plan, Glenn Beck, June 22

• "If I actually have a piano playing it really throws me off, because it's in tune." —Connie "it was a joke" Chung, Countdown, June 22

In this week's Cable Quotables, Intern Wendy scours the networks for something anything that makes even a remote of sense. From Tucker Carlson's pastimes to Anderson Cooper's search for another silver fox to be his friend, we have the funnies chunks of conversation for you to chew on.

We recommend enjoying while warm along with a glass of Brooklyn Lager.

• "I actually hear that Britney is going to skip the middlemen and just have a camera attached between her legs, so first thing when the kid is born, she'll have pictures. The kid will hit its head, but why not have that be the first thing that happens, just like the other kid?" —Michael Musto, Countdown, June 8

• "But I`m realistic. Honestly, if it runs on cat poop and Listerine, I`ll drive it. I don`t really care. I`m not proud." —Glenn Beck, solving high gas prices,Glenn Beck, June 9

• "Just hours after I left the prison at Gitmo last Friday, three detainees committed suicide." —Bill O'Reilly, proving that just seeing him is reason enough to kill yourself, The O'Reilly Factor, June 12

• "I'm afraid to ask you this question. But they call you Officer Delicious. How did that name come about? " — Rita Cosby, interviewing a cross-dressing police officer, Live and Direct, June 12

• "Our first story combines two of everyone's favorite pastimes: beer and monkey watching." —Tucker Carlson, The Situation, June 12

• "I'm just glad there's another prematurely gray person out there, you know? We are slowly taking over the planet." —Anderson Cooper, Anderson Cooper 360, June 14

• "What did you do about, like, the bathroom?" —Larry King, quizzing Darryl Hannah about her life in a tree, Larry King Live, June 14

•"So you think it sends a positive messages. You are hitting yourselves with pots and pans and a cookie sheet. That has got to hurt." Rita Cosby, Live and Direct, June 14

What we would do without Intern Wendy and her passion for cable newscasters we have not a clue. Even though she thinks Tucker Carlson should have his own show, we make her watch them all. In this week's round-up, Glenn Beck predicts the end of the world and Nancy Grace proves she knows her tats. What would cable news be without sex, crime, and God anyway?

• "There you go. They're coming for me any way … I might as well cooperate. Have a cigarette while I'm waiting." — Erica Hill, on proper etiquette while waiting to be arrested, Anderson Cooper 360, June 1

• "How else do you get pregnant? Is there another way than by some guy?" — Tucker Carlson, not taking into consideration Suri Cruise's conception, The Situation, June 1

• "I'm so in awe, Rita, on so many levels. I want to go on vacation with you." — Tucker Carlson, totally jealous of Rita Cosby for attending Dog the Bounty Hunter's wedding, The Situation, June 1

• "I am a Christian. I have read the "Left Behind" books. I do believe that the end is coming. I just, you know, hope it doesn`t happen before the end of the show. Maybe during Nancy would be OK." — Glenn Beck, making the Nancy Grace/Antichrist connection, Glenn Beck, June 6

• "Actually, I remember when Oprah crashed my wedding. She caught the garter, it didn't work though, I don't know what happened. " — Tucker Carlson, Live and Direct, June 6

• "His body is covered. People, if we can`t find this guy — on his back is a skull tattoo, on his left chest a tiger, left hand a skull and a pentagram, left leg a skill and a dagger. On his neck is the tattoo of a bat. Repeat, a bat. Tattoo right arm, skull and dragon cross. Tattoo right hand, skull. Tattoo on his stomach, a female and a gun." — Nancy Grace will get that bastard, Nancy Grace, June 6