Lest you were beginning to think that Grammys had no news value, a controversy has ensued. Aretha Franklin is pissed that Beyonce referred to Tina Turner as "The Queen," when everyone knows that Franklin is the Queen of Soul:

I am not sure of whose toes I may have stepped on or whose ego I may have bruised between the Grammy writers and Beyoncé, however I dismissed it as a cheap shot for controversy.

Yes, it was a cheap shot for controversy. Way not to fall into that trap, Aretha.

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AND THE DIP IN RATINGS GOES TO … Winehouse performing, albeit from London? Kanye demanding the speech exit music be turned off? Alicia in a duet with Frank Sinatra? Beyonce and Tina Turner in silver shorty dresses? Nope, none of it was enough to boost the ratings for the Grammys, which, based on preliminary results, may show to be among the worst in a decade. And that's after many of the season's award shows were canceled. Nielsen will have you believe some 18.2 million viewers tuned in, compared to last year's 20 million; in 1995, only 17.3 million showed up. [MP]

I don't think she should have won. I think it sends a bad message to our young people who are trying to get into this business, the ones who are trying to do it right and really trying to keep themselves together. … We have to stop rewarding bad behavior. … I'm sorry. I think the girl is talented, gifted, but it's not right for her to be able to have her cake and eat it too. She needs to get herself together.

-Natalie Cole starting a fight with Amy Winehouse through People.com

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• So the Grammys were last night and televised awards shows are Important, with a capital I. Here's the list of winners.

• Ryan Philippe talks about his divorce (promotes his new movie).

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• Cher continues to inspire drag queens everywhere with her wigs.

• With Heroes on hiatus, Hayden Panettiere is devoting herself full-time to looking like a 30-year-old.

• "Grammy fashion" continues to need quote marks …

• … Particularly, Beyonce's camel toe-inducing underwear.

• Good news for your dwindling faith in humanity: The Hottie and The Nottie bombed at the box office.

• What gives? Matthew McConaughey has been wearing shirts lately.

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Look, the WGA is just a union, they can't cancel every awards show ever. We wish they could, but they can't. Life isn't always fair. So the Grammys go on. We can console ourselves with the fact that the ratings will be low and we'll be able to mock the outfits afterward.

In less gloomy Grammy news, Tina Turner might perform with Beyonce. Tina's too old for this to end All About Eve style, right?

Grammys Up In The Air: How Would A Downsized (Or Canceled) Show Affect The Music Industry?

The music industry is already dead, no one cared about Grammys when it was alive.

Next question!

[MTV]

• The Amy Winehouse takeaway for our children:
Drugs + Emotionally Abusive Relationships = Grammy Nominations.

• Fact is, apparently, not all that different from fiction. Rudolph Delson, whose book chronicles the lives of bohemian New Yorkers, has predominantly bohemian New Yorker taste in music.

• A picture of Ricky Martin at the beach with his "friend" proves everything that the complicated and uninteresting hearsay regarding his sexuality implies.

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In what we promise will be the last Grammy-related post of the day, below is a transcript of the Mayer/Seacrest interview from the pre-show red carpet.

You know, the one where Mayer speaks in Japanese and, oh yeah, possibly outs the not-very-well-closeted Ryan Seacrest?

Yep, that's right, apparently in addition to mocking Seacrest with his superior linguistic abilities, Mayer also managed to start things off by unleashing the Best Opening Remark Of All Time.

Remember that oft-quoted scene from Jerry Maguire where Renee Zellweger tells Tom Cruise, "you had me at hello?"

Well, Mayer 'had us' from the moment he enthusiastically greeted Seacrest with, "You're the Anderson Cooper of E!"

And how.

The full awkward interview transcript after the jump.

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Did you watch the Grammy's this year?

Yeah, we didn't either.

But if we had, we would've seen the Dixie Chicks getting top honors for their suddenly popular we-hate-President-Bush music, Beyonce getting completely shafted (Oscars, anyone?) and Carrie Underwood inexplicably taking home the award for Tony Romo's Jock Support Best New Artist.

Okay, okay, we know we promised there wouldn't be a recap, but it seems some of you are itching for all the dirty details.

So, for those of you who care: The Police reunited, Mary J. Blige had another crazy, emotional breakdown, John Mayer dissed Ryan Seacrest in Japanese, Scarlett Jo neither confirmed nor denied her slutty love affair with JT, and Fergie wore a dress made completely out of tin foil.

Let us know if we missed anything.

Scarlett Jo sure did play it coy at the Grammy's, when the tactless Ryan Seacrest asked her to clarify her relationship status with JT:

We have a lot of friends in common, and Justin's a sweetheart, and it's always good to see him, but there's a lot of speculation and I try not to read that stuff. I think when two people are single and are seen together, it's immediately like a crazy feeding frenzy

Translation: "We're totally doing it—and Justin's even tried to talk me into doing a threesome with Jessica "Big Booty" Biel."

Anyways, here's the music video that got Justin into loads of trouble with Cam, earned Scarlett another another notch on her bedpost and proved that there really is nothing sexier than floating around in a chlorine-filled pool with all of your clothes on.

From a flack at Alison Broad PR, circa 10:57am:

Please let me know if you'd consider including Mary J. Blige in Guy Laroche during your Grammy recap this week.

From same flack at Alison Broad PR, circa 11:49am:

Hi All,

I want to apologize profusely for my previous email. Apparently both Guy Laroche and Michael Kors sent eerily two VERY similiar dresses for Mary J. Blige to consider wearing to the Grammy's. Ultimately, the below picture is, in fact, by Michael Kors.

I apologize for the confusion.

Even more embarrassing: Mary J. even told E!'s red carpet cameras that her dress was from Michael Kors, not – and we're paraphrasing here – "one of those French designers I can't pronounce."

Like, say, Guy Laroche.

(Click image for really, really large version)

The worth: $65,000. The number of brands: 53. The recipients: only the elite. Now someone please tell us who manufactures the "bag" all this shit fits in.

Mariah Carey might have fully recovered from the days of Glitter, with her Emancipation of Mimi picking up a full eight Grammy nominations. Kanye West, for all his bitching, picked up eight as well, as did John Legend, whose affair with his microphone beat out 50 Cent, U2's supra-ego and Gwen Stefani's Japsploitation.

Carey's Comeback Comes Full Circle at Grammy Nominations [AP]