While there is nobody we are more sick of in the world than this one, the latest news is news, and we guess you should get it here. Blah, blah, blah.
It is nice to see more successful African actresses going back to work after having kids, though. Ok. We are returning to ordering Chinese food and clipping our toes now.
Who says there's no news in August? We could fill this whole day on Katie Couric news alone. She is set to start at CBS any second now (the official date is September 5), but we know that you must be missing your most chipper morning pal. Especially on a dreary morning like today's. Maybe a collection of Couric contemplations would help lift you up to where the eagles fly?
• Katie Couric knows her viewers what news to be an hour long, but, uh, she can't do anything about it.
• She contemplates using "peace out homies" as her sign-off phrase.
• Ideally, Katie would rather focus on upbeat news, but reminds us, "it's not going to be smiley-face happy news."
• CBS's perks aren't even comparable to Today's. But the perky host is here to work, not for perks.
• The Washington Post actually quotes someone calling her "the American Cutie Pie."
• Cutie pie thinks we need more critical thinking in news.
Up Close And Too Personal [Howard Kurtz, Washington Post]
PERKS GO POOF [Page Six]
Couric: Viewers want news to be an hour [AP]
• Maybe if Donald Trump was our daddy, that 102% in Introduction to Spanish at NYU would have gotten us an A+. But, we were told "NYU doesn't give A pluses." [Page Six]
• The best way to prevent yourself from getting famous? Steal Brandon Davis' jokes from four months ago. [TMZ]
• Jessica Beil has resorted to making out with chicks in order to get some attention in the gossip columns. [Gatecrasher]
• Only in Choire Sicha's world does Jessica Coen + Noelle Hancock = Melissa Burkelhammer. (We could, however, see Jessica Joffe coming from that equation.) [NYO]
• It's not really the legs or the hair or the skin that makes Heidi Klum so friggin' lucky. It's that every time she says something really stupid, she can blame her German accent. [WWD]
• Today is Boy George's day. [AP]
Stop everything. The New York Times made a discovery. Africa, with all its AIDS and starvation, is really, really trendy. So hip. So Angelina Jolie, so Gwyneth Paltrow … hell, even Madonna picked up on the trend.
And much as it may strain the limits of good taste to say it, Africa — rife with disease, famine, poverty and civil war — is suddenly “hot.”
Hot. And not just in a "I'm sweating through my loincloth" kind of hot. Like, being interested Africa is super hip. So hip, in fact, the Times will stop at nothing to pick up on the latest news coming from the continent.
Into Africa [Alex Williams, New York Times]
African Grandmothers Rally for AIDS Orphans [Lawrence K. Altman, New York Times]
In light of recent terrorist threats coming out of London, all US and British passengers have been banned from bringing any form of liquid, including lotions and creams, onto their flights.
Passengers at all U.S. and British airports, and those boarding U.S.-bound flights at other international airports, are banned from taking any liquids onto planes. British police are also banning passengers from carrying electronic key fobs, which have the potential to trigger bombs.
We also heard something on TV about not being allowed to take batteries on the plane. Which more or less means Jeffrey Epstein's weekend is totally fucked. How can he enjoy a night of petting zoo on his private jet without massage oils and working vibrators? Talk about inconvenience.
The Philadelphia Daily News delves into the philosophical question which plagues our consciousness every day. "Why the fuck," they ask "would anyone in the world want to buy the Philadelphia 76ers?" They give a few reasons, mostly sticking with the notion that taking a basketball team back to its glory days is the greatest thing imaginable. And since our NYU attending New York Observer owning media mogul Jared Kushner is buying everything in sight, the News thinks he might be the one to snap up the down-trodden team.
"The short story is, [it would have to be] somebody with a lot of money that's not looking for any quick return on their investment and can handle negative cash flow," Shropshire said.
A source indicated that the family, led by Jared Kushner - who recently purchased the New York Observer for $10 million - was interested enough to have been given a tour of the Wachovia Center.
The plan, a source indicated, was for the family to be the buyer, rather than the Kushner Companies, a multibillion dollar real-estate enterprise. Jared Kushner, asked twice via e-mail about his interest by the Daily News, declined comment.
Hey, we also hear that Kushner's thinking of buying the Hell's Kitchen flea market. And possibly Millennium Park in Chicago. And an apple from down the street.
Words to whys of owning Sixers [Philadephia Daily News]
British authorities are rejoicing over their successful plan to foil am attempted terrorist attack on UK airlines. We guess we're happy that nobody was blown up, though, we don't really understand why everyone is so excited that a government, uh, did their job and protected their citizens from getting blown the fuck up. Though those planes were headed for New York JFK, and God knows our own government could never have stopped something like this … so, thanks England.
So now that this incident is all cleared up, let's move on to the real post-terrorist-foiling issue. Getting everyone on their flights. London Heathrow (where this de-terrorizing took place) is a super busy location. Lots of people trying to get on planes and get the hell out of Europe. And the lines are, well, pretty bad.
"It's been terrible," she said. "We are waiting in Disney-like lines. The only thing B.A. has said is it's a security breach. We are told we can bring nothing on the plane, only passport and cash. If there is a threat, people should not be on planes, but how they handled this is atrocious."
A customer service agent for British Airways told passengers, "The only thing we know for sure is Christmas Day falls on Dec. 25."
Those crazy Brits! We bet they used nonsensical chatter code like "the purple dog rises at noon" to "thwart" the terror plotters.
Plot to Bomb Jets Is Thwarted in Britain [Eric Pfanner, New York Times]
This news is almost as unexpected as hearing Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn got engaged.
New Book Reports 37% of All Advertising Is Wasted [Jack Neff, AdAge]
Oh, dear Lord. We would love (like pee our pants roll around on the floor adore) to see this as an actual New York Times correction.
We can just see the Corrections page now:
"On Monday August 7, 2006, Jennifer 8. Lee reported a manatee had been spotted in New York's Hudson River. As it turns out, there was no manatee. It was just a big, fat log in the river. Look for the Times' coverage on the trend of growing logs in the rivers this Sunday."
Was That a Manatee in the Hudson, or Just a ‘Fat Log’? [Corey Kilgannon, New York Times]
Earlier: Even Manatees In The Hudson River Aren't Exempt From 'Fat' Stereotypes
We almost missed this little piece, buried in the middle of the New York Times Metro Section. But leave it to Jennifer 8. Lee to get us all riled up about a local news story. Coyotes in upstate New York and bears in Long Island ain't got nothin' on this one:
A manatee in the Hudson River. A manatee?! Things can live in the Hudson? Our little grinch hearts are growing and growing! It's so sweet — we totally love manatees and so wanted to save them from boat propellers when we were in third grade. And now there's one, right here in New York. Where we will judge it and call it a fat beast and shun it like the good emaciated citizens we are.
A beast, upwards of 1,000 pounds and a cousin to the elephant, which dwarfs the coyote, the deer and the dolphin that preceded it. A beast that, at hundreds of miles north of its natural habitat, has most likely made the longest and most arduous journey among them. A beast, with a pudgy-nosed face and a sweet-potato-shaped body, that could even be considered cute: a manatee.
“It was gigantic,†Mr. Shull said. “When we saw it surface, its back was just mammoth.â€
Can't they just leave the poor things alone? We know it's Chelsea, but, come on … have a heart. It's not like the fatty is trying to get into Buddah Bar or something.
Massive Manatee Is Spotted in Hudson River [Jennifer 8. Lee, New York Times]
• The city is investigating 22 deaths linked to the heat wave, to see if there’s any way to prevent similar tragedy in the future. Step one likely has something to do with firing some folks over at Con Ed. [ABC]
• Aww. Firefighters saving kittens. Enough said. [NBC]
• We're trying to determine which is the more ridiculous concept: a think tank devoted to the diversity of street fairs, or the fact that there's only one ways to sell knock-off handbags. [Metro]
• Attention New Yorkers: drink pink or risk being shunned by the MisShapes. [NYT]
• How did health inspectors know NYC Boule and HQ failed the hygiene tests? A little cockroach told them. [NYP]
Ok, so Newsday publisher Robert Johnson wasn't accused of molesting anyone. But he did have kiddie porn. And really, we're just looking for hope that someday this headline will have Jeffrey Epstein's name attached to it.
Oh, never mind. What are we thinking? If Epstein ever does get charged with these allegations, nobody will actually report on it.
Former Newsday publisher pleads guilty in child porn case [Newsday via Romenesko]
• On a Roll, for Lobster New York Times August 4, 2006
• Lobster: on a roll Newsday August 4,2006
• On a Lobster Roll Epicurious July 8, 2006
• To Die For: It's Lobster Roll Season in New York Village Voice July 22, 2005
• Lobster Is on a Roll New York Magazine, August 8, 2005
• Lobsters on a roll Christian Science Moniter, January 9, 2003 (To be fair, this story is actually about lobsters … hence it wasn't written in the summer … but it just happens to have the ever refreshing "Lobsters on a Roll" headline.)
We almost feel like this should be set up as a joke. Like, "what happens when Commies get hot?" or something. And even though it's been awhile since we've drudged up the Drudge-isms that make the world go round, this particular headline today was just too much to let go.
See, that's just what happens when you live a country like China, where they base their government on ideas of equal access and shared land. No private Hamptons property. It's just ridiculous.
Chinese water torture [Daily Mail via Drudge Report]
Thank God. It finally, finally, rained, breaking up some of the heat, and bringing the tempeture down about 20 degrees. Er, well, maybe we shouldn't thank God exactly.
We should probably thank these girls,who performed a rain dance in Brooklyn Bridge Park, calling the sweet cool drops and saving us all from melting into one giant puddle of B.O.
Heat Wave Exacts a Brutal Parting Toll as It Disrupts Power [Sewell Chan, New York Times]
Michael Green thinks journalism today is as boring as Jessica Joffe. He expresses his frustration you have with generic, plain, overused, rehashed stories through and ancient form of media we call "print journalism." And tops it all off with the most cliched headline we've ever seen.
It's either brilliant sarcasm or poor Michael Green is trapped — a victim of his own bland, regurgitated profession.
Today's newspapers are as plain as white bread [Michael Green, Business Press]
Wow. We are reading about how dreadfully hot it is (we wouldn't know we were boiling down to puddles if the New York Times didn't tell us) and, besides realizing it's still incredibly hot, we also realized that poetry can be found within this story. Just look at the front Metro section coverage.
But as the day dragged on in a hazy trance, the heat made even the seconds pass by in a sluggish torpor: it was a morning and night of a million little miseries, with just as many ways to get through them.
That's just one passage. The moving story of how nobody wants to go outside and a look at the tragic figures we often don't consider (Con Ed workers, prison inmates) goes on for three whole pages. We suggest curling up with a nice iced lemon spritzer in an extremely air-conditioned environ and give yourself a moment to enjoy the poetry of profound friggin' hotness.
With Dial on Broil, City Staggers Through Day [Michelle O'Donnell, New York Times]
• It may be too late, but try to snag seats to hear John Irving, Stephen King and J.K. Rowling read aloud to your kiddies. We just hope Stephen King doesn't read It. (Wed. 8/2) [NYM]
• So what if the South Street Seaport smells like rotting crotch? There could be fake absinthe at this show. Makes it totally worth it. (Thurs. 8/3-October) [Spiegal World]
• Hopefully by Thursday the heat will have passed. Because if there’s one thing everyone hates it’s going to a rock concert where people pass out and/or die of of heat exhaustion. (Thus. 8/3) [Ticketmaster]
• Remember those Garbage Pail Kids trading cards? It looks like someone’s childhood wasn’t quite disturbed enough by them. (Sat. 8/5) [FreeNYC]
• We thought you might want a list of public pools in and around your area. Go. Jump in. Splash around. Try not to flash anyone. [NYC.gov]
• New Yorkers love to dump their trash anywhere but here. [VV]
• Today we're looking at the hottest day yet. We would say we're getting one step closer to Hell, but it sort of feels like we're already there. [NYT]
• Weird arty New York people will celebrate just about anything and everything. Why not living rooms? [Gothamist]
• It takes at least three kids to die in three months to make sure a New York hospital gets thoroughly examined. [Newsday]
• Homeless people have brains too, you know. [amNY]
This is interesting. Mel Gibson is reaching out to the Jewish community, asking them to help him heal and recover and end his anti-Semitic tendancies.
As though Jews have nothing else to be concerning themselves with at the moment.
