To be fair, if Heather Locklear was under the influence, it doesn't really matter that the former Us Weekly staffer and current paparazzo Jill Ishkanian profited — to the tune of $27,000 $27,500 (Ishkanian writes in to correct), thanks to TMZ's photo purchase — from the actress' recklessness. Actually, shouldn't we reward people who call the police on drunk drivers? So, good job Jill! It's not blood money — it's good samaritan money. [Earlier]

Mortals woke up Sunday morning to find out Heather Locklear was arrested on suspicion of driving while under the influence, after a "motorist" called 911 to alert authorities to the actress' "erratic" driving. Cops showed up and, low and behold, so did the paparazzi.

That's because the photogs were dialed immediately after the 911 call, by the same person: a one Jill Ishkanian, TMZ reported (though the post seems to have been removed had its URL changed).

You remember Ishkanian as the former Us Weekly staffer who left to start paparazzi agency Sunset Photo & News, only to become the center of a FBI investigation that, depending on which account you believe, alleged Ishkanian was hacking into Us' computers or that Us was trying to sabotage its ex-staffer. Ishkanian, meanwhile, is no longer with Sunset, thanks to a bizarre scenario where her now-former business partner stands accused of fleecing the agency.

And now, here she is, at the center of Locklear's DUI arrest. So how did the industry veteran just happen to be driving near the actress one night this week?

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The 911 call placed by Heather Locklear's psychologist is as tame as the one placed by the mother of a former Lindsay Lohan assistant is crazy. It's the tape that sent paramedics scrambling to the star's house, only to find the supposedly suicidal Locklear was calm and doing just fine. But the tape is worthwhile for one thing: Between the shrink's half-assed directions and the 911 operator's own admission, you can figure out where she lives. Good luck with the crazies!

• Madonna carries unnecessarily heavy handbag, treats onlookers to unwanted "gun show."

• Not only was Lindsay Lohan arrested and thrown (temporarily) in the clink! She's also dirt poor! How tacky.

• OMG, did anyone ever notice that Carrot Top and Fergie have the exact same face? It's terrifying! And amazing. But mainly just gross.

• Who wears short shorts? Unfortunately, Amy Winehouse does.

• Meanwhile, Heather Locklear ain't what she used to be. But she's still much, much hotter than most women half her age.

• David Spade and Christina Applegate's cast offs hook up.

• Richard Gere still blaming Sly Stallone for starting the "gerbil in the ass" rumor.

• Scientology begins to stalk J. Lo and J. Car.

• Fabian Basabe's charges against former Bungalow 8 doorman Armin Amiri have been dropped by the DA. Something about "he made it up."

• Lizzie Grubman popped.

• Rosie O'Donnell kicks it with republicans, pads their coffers.

• There were fags before T.R. Knight, Lance Bass, and Neil Patrick Harris, you know.

• So, Brandon Davis and Paris Hilton are douchebags and racists — but Lindsay Lohan gets revenge by being a coked-out hooker. [Page Six]

• Oprah loves her some gays — just not enough to include them in her book club. You need to make up some shit before you can get in there. [Page Six]

• It's the greatest day ever — Tyra Banks goes to jail. In the same realm of when she wore a fat suit, but still. She'll be behind bars … we're watching for the first time today. [TMZ]

• David Spade and Heather Locklear finally end the confusion. No more wondering "why the hell are they together?" Uh, because, they're not anymore. [The Scoop]

• Paul McCartney aint' sayin' she's a gold digger … he's actually sayin' she aint' a gold digger. Whatev, Rush & Molloy stole all the other music puns. [R&M]

• Heath Ledger sells his home down under. To cozy up in Brooklyn with Michelle Williams and Matilda of course. (See TomKat, this is what normal celebs do.) [SMH]

• If Paris Hilton wants her King Tut tomb of scandal back, she's going to have to bid on it like everybody else. [NYDN]

• We might believe that Madonna found a new boyfriend if she didn't scare the crap out of everyone. Plus, this new guy doesn't sound like he practices Kabbalah. [Mirror]

• Rock stars were so 10 years ago. Heather Locklear is totally moving on. [AP]

• Britney Spears can't give her baby talent, but she can give him an earring. Poor, poor white trash baby. [The Sun]