"I looked and looked and looked for a place in New York. I just didn’t find anything. Prices have just skyrocketed!"
–Hilary Swank, traumatizing New Yorkers and real estate brokers alike by suggesting that not even A-List actresses can afford Manhattan rentals [via the current issue of W magazine]
Although we can’t always shake the nasty habit of writing in the royal we, occasionally one of our editors decides to shake off the cloak of anonymity to write a short, pithy statement long, rambling diatribe about a topic of their choice. Today, Debbie Newman is that editor.
If you're anything like us, then you most likely did not spend the bulk of your Sunday afternoon reading Page Six magazine and pouring over an interview with Seventeen EIC-turned-entrepreneur Atoosa Rubenstein.
Fortunately, Portfolio blogger Jeff Bercovici is a bird of a different feather. And thanks to his helpful/informative recap, we've learned that, in addition to biting the hand that feeds—er, fed her, Atoosa has also finally come to the realization that she is, in fact, a freakshow.
When we were little, we assumed that R.L. Stein worked in some literary sweatshop to come up with all those scary, scary books. Turns out, he had ghost writers, one of which was Tom Perrotta, the author of Election and Little Children. Which ones?
"Not Goosebumps, but Fear Street, which was the bigger one," [Perotta said.] The particular tome to which Perrotta lent his verbal gifts was The Thrill Club, and though he describes it as "the stupidest book," he actually looks back on writing it with fondness. "It's good to take the romance out of writing," he said, laughing heartily. "That certainly did it for me!"
Even though he admits it’s a stupid book, any defense of Fear Street from him sounds like Hilary Swank claiming that The Next Karate Kid was much more artful than The Karate Kid, Part III.
• The fat one from N'Sync tries to educate Britney on the art of fading into obscurity.
• Allow us to show you what your favorite celebrities will look like three plastic surgeries from now.
• Rumer Willis' new peroxide-blond 'do would look so much better if she was wearing one of her trademark ugly hats.
• Joel Madden may not have cheated on Nicole with Hilary Duff, but we're guessing he at least ogled her funbags.
• Will Smith's adorable son Jayden to star in the remake of Karate Kid that nobody wanted.
• After earning praise for her navy backless number at the Academy Awards, Hilary Swank takes another fashion risk by dressnig up as a Human X-Ray.
• Despite being locked up in a Utah rehab center, Lindsay Lohan has nonetheless managed to procure herself illegal drugs and "sex in a toilet cubicle" (or, as her counselors call it, "pulling a Larry Craig.")
• Britney Spears found guilty of child wardrobe abuse! Also, her crappy new single hits airwaves next week, much to the delight of snarky gossip columnist and YouTube parodists everywhere.
• Boycott the Olsens new clothing line! Because they're promoting the slaughter of cute little animals. And, well, because they expect you to shell out $150 for a faux-vintage t-shirt.
• Salma Hayek is totally looking forward to motherhood! Especially the part where she and her mysterious baby-daddy Francois-Henri Pinault live in complete separate continents.
• Hilary Swank shows off her brand-new A-cups in the the designer bikini version of the cheesy "tuxedo t-shirt."
• You know you're looking a mess when your fellow prison inmate describes your current weave by saying, "Her hair looks like whoever did it ran."
• No matter how good an actress she is, Hilary Swank won't be mistaken for a boy in this beach getup.
• Meanwhile, if Jessica Alba doesn't want a reputation as an international hottie, she should probably stop doing photo shoots like this one.
• Teri Hatcher tries, fails to steal Eva Longoria's thunder.
• Nicole Richie has a major case of pillow face.
• Turns out jogging and chocolate are two great ways to cut out the smoking. Only problem is, most people forget about the jogging part…
• DePauw university officially shuts down no-fatties sorority despite Delta Zeta's insistence that they were planning to "bring back-fat back."
• Mischa Barton takes a night out of her busy Dostoevsky-reading schedule to boot and rally in NYC.
CONTINUED »
Who's got it out for Hilary Swank? The question must be asked, given the double item plant in today's Page Six and Rush & Molloy. While it's never a shock to see the same publicist-fed item appear in a pair of competing columns, the fun starts (and, sadly, ends) with questioning who might be feeding the machine.
From today's Page Six:
HILARY Swank didn't get a regal reception when she arrived at the Golden Globes Monday night. The limo carrying the star and her boyfriend, CAA Agent John Campsi, tried to pull up in front of the Beverly Hilton to drop her off but was stopped by security. Spies say a guard admonished the driver for not having the right credentials and refused to let Swank pass. She tried leaning her head out the window to show who she was, and asked politely to be let through, but "the guards didn't recognize her and refused," we're told. So Swank and Campsi got out and found another limo to pick them up. But before Swank got in, she turned to the security goon and "flipped him off."
From today's Rush & Molloy:
Meanwhile, Hilary Swank’s limo was stopped by award-show security when it didn’t have the proper parking pass. The “Freedom Writers” star hopped out with boyfriend/agent John Campisi and hitched a ride to the ceremony in another car — but not before turning on the unsavvy security and “flipping them off.” Says our spywitness, “I’m calling it her ‘Million Dollar Finger.’”
Bonus points, however, go to R&M for the "Million Dollar Finger" line. But honestly, we expected Page Six to at least come up with a "putting up a girl fight" quip. But they get a pass: Yesterday was Richard Johnson's bday, and we can't expect him to be clever while inebriated.
• Rosie O'Donnell blows up at Barbara Walters for not disputing Trump's claims that Walters "regretted" hiring her.
• Fall-Out Boy (and one-time Ashlee Simpson "hump buddy") Pete Wensz gets out his pent-up aggression by beating up a security guard…on tape.
• Angelina Jolie is sorry for blasting Madonna's adoption of a Malawi boy, and wants to remind us that snatching kids from third-world families is "totally okay."
• Julia Roberts possibly having twins, possibly just used to shopping for two.
• Hilary Swank gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame; Chad Lowe says, 'Hey, that's great Hil. BTW, thanks again for blabbing to the tabs about my substance abuse problem.'
• Lara Spencer being considered for the Today show; considers it a "great opportunity" to continue copying Diane Sawyer's career.
• Michael Richards is really, really sorry, y'all. Especially to those black people someone keeps making.
• Just when you thought Britney Spears was headed in the right direction with her comeback, she extends her stay on the Paris Hilton train wreck.
• Painful, but true. That's Chad Lowe's thoughts on Hilary Swank revealing in Vanity Fair that her now ex-husband has a little substance problem.
• Nas' ex Carmen Bryan has a new book out, ripe with claims of physical abuse. A sure-fire bookstore seller, no doubt.
• Heidi Klum and Seal welcome a baby boy, planning the event around the Thanksgiving holiday so there's be a fraction of a chance the celeb press might leave them alone.
What better way to kick off a week of gossip than mull over a Scoop War from last week? In the red corner is E!'s Planet Gossip columnist Marc Malkin, who hit his blog at 7:45pm on Friday to report Hilary Swank was injured on the New York set of her new flick P.S. I Love You (seen here on set). In the blue corner is People magazine, which had the same item, nearly verbatim, posted at 11pm. So who wins this minor battle? Let's look at the evidence.
Swank and her co-star Gerard Butler were filming a scene in which Butler performs a striptease. "His suspender snapped and hit Hilary above the eye," one source tells me.
Production was shut down today and it may also be cancelled on Monday, according to my sources.
"It was close," another source says. "If she was hit just a little bit lower, it would have been a major eye injury."
And here's People's item, posted over two hours later and credited to one of its own "sources."
Hilary Swank was injured Thursday on the set of her new film, P.S. I Love You in New York.
During a scene with costar Gerard Butler, in which the actor performs a striptease for Swank, Butler's suspenders became snagged and hit the actress on her forehead, a source tells PEOPLE. Swank received medical treatment, which included sutures for the cut, and filming was halted.
Per the source, Swank is recovering and in good spirits, and production will resume on Monday.
We're handing marathoner Malkin the battleflag on this one. Not only was his item posted first (and really, that's all that matters when it comes to scoops), but he had the more robust details. Not that People is claiming this was their exclusive, to be sure. How come? A source at People tells us: "The general policy [if we have a story that someone else had first] is to get the info from one of our own sources, so we don't have to credit the original report. But if someone else reported it first, then we don't mark it 'exclusive.' But we probably won't credit the original source, either."
When the Hilary Swank issue of Vanity Fair arrived bent over in our too-tiny mailbox, the first thing we wondered – What the fuck? – was superseded by a female friend's cooing, "Ooh, that's such a cute bathing suit." Sure, perhaps it was, but what the hell did Hollywood's most awkward looking Oscar winner have to offer? It must've been juicy, since she pushed Sheryl Crow's breakup-with-Lance-Armstrong-and-surviving-breast-cancer item further into the well. And under any normal circumstances – I'm leaving my husband of eight years because he's got a "substance abuse" problem – we might've read the text sandwiched between the photos of Hilary in more cute bikinis. But we didn't. Instead, we read Oprah-hating Bill Robinson's take.
Putting aside the obvious question of who fucking cares, there was the sadder feeling of a two-time Oscar winner ratting out her ex-tv star ex-husband (whom she forgot to thank in her acceptance speech) after dumping him. Why would she do such a graceless, tacky thing? Then it all clicked: she wanted the cover of Vanity Fair. And she got it.
Mystery solved. Now can we get back to the pivotal question: Who fucking cares? This isn't Teri Hatcher talking about her childhood molestation or Linsdsay Lohan sorta admitting she's got a coke and not-eating problem. It's boring ass Swank with a boring ass tale of heartbreak, and we don't even know what the "substance" part of the abuse is.
How To Sell Your Soul for the Cover of Vanity Fair! [Bill Robinson, Huffington Post]
• Today's Lowdown shoots down our earlier report that Jay-Z and Beyonce had wed in Martha's Vineyard over the weekend. A Def Jam spokeswoman confirms they were there but insists they didn't wed — and refuses to comment on whether a wedding was planned for the weekend. [Lowdown]
• Something about the Emmys being announced? [Emmy.org]
• What you missed on Larry King because of those damn North Korean missiles bumped the interview: Part of Kathy Griffin's unhappy marriage to Matthew Moline was his stealing $72k from her bank accounts. [Page Six]
• If Nicky Hilton's pregnant, that's not stopping her from working the stripper pole. [R&M]
• In between exposing Chad Lowe's substance abuse problem, Hilary Swank also calls him a piss poor actor. [People]
• J. Lo: Voodoo vixen. [R&M]
• For Rush Limbaugh, having a bottle of Viagra isn't illegal. It's just embarrassing. [ABC News]
• Thank you to the New York Post for pointing out that Kevin Federline's singing career isn't going anywhere. [Page Six]
• So what if Jude Law slept with the nanny? It's nothing a couple vodka tonics can't cure, right? [People]
• It's not entirely confirmed that Matt Damon's wife going to have a baby girl, but one thing we do know: boy or girl, she'll have a ton of illegitimate Clooney cousins to play with. [Gatecrasher]
• Chad Lowe and Hilary Swank are dunzo. We don't know why, but it was she who filed for divorce. Chad, you could do better. [The Scoop]
• Anderson Cooper may seem like a really nice guy, but he really wants to take spoiled high schoolers, line them up, and shoot them. We agree, but we just don't expect it from journos extrodinaire. [Mollygood]
• And don't forget to tune in tomorrow to Today, when Ann Curry gets her hair cut. Thrilling, people. [NBCUMV]
• Is it just us, or does Brad Pitt act like Angelina Jolie's sad, lost puppy more and more every day? [Page Six]
• James Frey totally ruined writing books for everybody. [NYDN]
• Hilary Swank is the new "face of fragrance" for Gurlain. We initially wondered if the fragrance was being marketed to men (it happens to be for women), but then we were faced with an even greater enigma. Why oh why would anyone ever want her face on anything? (Please don't beat us up Hil.) [People]
• Oh, Lindsay Lohan. Despite her spunky attitude, tattoos and eating disorders, we usually think she's a pretty classy gal. But hooking up with your ex at the SoHo Grand? That is so Paris Hilton. [Page Six]
• Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe call it kaputz. Lowe decided that being married to a horse who could box the shit out of him was losing its appeal. [Insider TV]
• People in Utah are being denied their right to three hours of cowboy on cowboy action. Reason #5,096 we live here. [AP News]
• Prince William brings on the competition for Jake Gyllenhaal via Jarhead. Hoo-rah. [Fox]
• Nick Lachey sues Jessica Simpson — Dateline asks, "is Katie Holmes listening?" [Dateline Hollywood]
• We already know she can change positions. Now Paris Hilton proves she can alter her state of mind as well. [The Scoop]
• At least Arnold Schwarzenegger fell off a motorcycle and not one of those scooter carts Bush was riding around on. [People]
We had faith that Chris Rock was going to be a good Oscar host last year. He even made fun of Jude Law before making fun of Jude Law was cool. But, unfortunately, everything about last year's awards pretty much sucked. Boring movies, boring celebs, Hilary Swank wearing a trash bag — we almost lost our faith in movies, to be honest.
Yet, today we find that there is hope for salvation in Jon Stewart, who will be hosting the 2006 Oscars. Now we can watch our dream boyfriend (Stewart) and our dream hook-up on the side (Jake Gyllenhaal) exchange playful banter from seat to stage.
This is the best news we've heard since we found out those miners were alive. So, please, newspapers, don't take this one away too.
And the mike goes to… [Steve Pond, Los Angeles Times]
Editorial Director
