Today in asinine decisions made by media conglomerates:
U.S. movie superstar Tom Cruise and Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. are resurrecting United Artists, the movie studio founded more than 80 years ago by screen legends including Charlie Chaplin and Mary Pickford, MGM said on Thursday.
Cruise will star in and produce films for the studio, and production partner Paula Wagner will serve as chief executive.
Cruise and Wagner will set the company's production slate from development to production greenlighting ability, subject to certain parameters, MGM said.
"Certain parameters?" Why, yes. Namely: Do not fire your PR handlers and go it your own. Also, replace couches with Ikea futons. They cost less to replace.
Because this can only end in embarassment and the box office pull of Man of the Year, Hollywood rep firm United Talent Agency has gone and created an online unit, devoted to discovering tomorrow's Internet stars today. Yes, of course this item requires a lonelygirl15 mention. Also required? Mentioning the actress behind lonelygirl15 has scored exactly one Jay Leno appearance, and little else — and she's at the top of the web celebrity racket. But while UTA's new division will ultimately fail as a vehicle to land white kids doing the ratchet a pilot deal, it will be a boon to the fresh crop of agent hopefuls — we can just see an entire floor of cubicles, stuffed with post-college twentysomethings, wasting even more time on YouTube.
Talent Agency Is Aiming to Find Web Video Stars [David Halbfinger, NYT]
We know how confusing the whole Hollywood scene can be. Especially for New Yorkers. Trying to remember who reps who and which agency has split from which or merged with someone else … it can be more difficult that trying to keep track of who Paris Hilton is pretending not to sleep with.
But in today's focus-on-Hollywood article (which is either about Jim Carrey leaving his agent, Hollywood agents splitting up, or why Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn keep getting cast in horrible movies) the Times includes a very helpful Ven Diagram to explain to us removed New Yorkers exactly how things work.
Unlike Entourage which only confuses us more with their Gold/Miller group – which is completely different from the one represented here – the diagrams really do help.
Just one thing: who gets to keep Jennifer Aniston?
Not So Funny Anymore [Sharon Waxman, New York Times]
The LA Times finally jumps on this whole Us Weekly/Kitson lawsuit, revealing little new information on why Kitson's owner, Fraser Ross, is suing the tabloids. In light of the investigation into former Us Weekly editor, Jill Ishkanian, which supposes that she broke into Us Weekly's computer to see what stories they were working on, and used that information to boost her new Kitson-heavy paparazzi agency, Sunset News.
Oh, also, Ross owns Sunset News. But no matter. Even though he's being accused of stealing from them, he wants Us Weekly to stop cutting Kitson bags and signs out of photos. And in their coverage he LAT does a not great job of pressing the matter.
Federal agents in May searched the offices of Sunset Photo as well as the home of its owner, Jill Ishkanian, a former Us Weekly editor. An attorney for Sunset Photo has denied that Ishkanian did anything wrong and said she is fully cooperating with authorities. The attorney also said Ross was only an investor in Sunset and had no role in its actual operations.
Right. Like Ross' lawyer is going to say, "we want to break into Us Weekly's files, target their stories, and then sell them pictures taken by our agency and featuring our boutique."
Celebrity Boutique Sues Us Weekly, Saying Lack of Coverage Is Hurting Business [Andrew Blankstein, Los Angeles Times]
Earlier: Kitson vs. Us Weekly: The Blacklisted Bad Blood Continues
Surprise, surprise, Ben Affleck is bitching about the invasion into his private life again. Even though the paparazzi haven't snapped his pic in months (hello, there's Firecrotching going on all over the place!) he is frustrated.
Because his fans are so concerned with his personal life, they get bored with his movies. And inversly, his movies suck so bad, his "fans" are forced to care about the only interesting thing he's done in years: get married and have a baby.
"Nowadays … people pay attention more and more to actors' private lives or personal lives or even the most mundane aspects of their every day lives in a kind of parallel track alongside their movies," said popular tabloid target Affleck.
"Even the movies sometimes become incidental pit stops or commercial breaks in the soap opera of their life. I think that is bad for the actors, definitely, because it makes it difficult to suspend disbelief when you go and see their movie."
Well, maybe Ben Affleck and Jennifer Aniston should learn how to be better actors.
Because somehow Reese Witherspoon, Jake Gyllenhaal, and (dare we say?) Lindsay Lohan manage to engage our belief when we see their movies.
You know how Paramount dropped Tom Cruise because he sucks? Well, the actor-turned-placenta-eater found another group willing to invest in his "independent production company." It all sounds kind of sketchy to us. Especially since his new investor also puts money into two other totally random entities: Six Flags and the Washington Red Skins.
Most of the article is filled with boring money business stuff that we really don't have time to bother with, but, from what we can gather, Tom and First and Goal L.L.C have signed a two year agreement to pour a measly "well under $10 million figure" into Cruise-Wagner Productions for covering overhead and developing new projects.
According to the New York Times, the industry is not impressed.
Hollywood’s reaction? That’s a good start, but show us more.
Yeah, Tom, show us more. Like, show us Suri already!
Cruise Gets First Funds for Projects [Geraldine Fabrikant, New York Times]
Ok, we know it's like the dreariest day ever. (We are seriously pulling out the SAD lights and doing sun salutations just so we don't attempt to kill ourselves by slicing our wrists on our diet coke cans.) But, you know what the perfect thing to brighten your day is?
Yup, you guessed it. Entourage gossip!
This time Variety actually gets a scoop (uh, because they were part of the freakin' story) and spills the details of an upcoming Entourage episode, in which the posse charges the Hollywood paper's offices and spews a few choice words at "Paul Schneider" (the character based on Variety TV critic Brian Lowry).
But don't think for a second this was an easy task for the Entourage set crew to film this episode.
Breathtakingly beautiful extras mixed with breathtakingly beautiful Variety staffers, causing some confusion for the crew (editors working at their computers were suddenly startled as hairstylists walked up behind them and began giving them a touch up).
Wow. How incredibly humble. If only LA reporters spent more time reporting, and less time dying their hair, maybe the rest of us would start paying attention to them.
'Entourage' crew invades Variety [Laura Repstad, Variety]
Remember when Lindsay Lohan was hungover on the Today show bragging about how she works harder than most of her friends' parents? That was kind of a bad day for her. But, uh, we think today might be even worse.
In an article about how big stars don't pull in the box office numbers anymore, the New York Times pulls a few bonkers whose movies aren't rakin' in the dough. And these are the examples they give: Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson, and …. Lindsay Lohan.
Poor Lindsay. She's kind of a train wreck. Though we have to ask the Times … are blowing lines and being a Firecrotch really as bad as driving drunk and yelling "I fucking hate Jews." Or being Tom Cruise? Come on.
A Big Star May Not a Profitable Movie Make [Eduardo Porter and Geraldine Fabrikant]
Today we have some Tom Cruise news that does not involve his wife and child being locked in a basement: Paramount dropped the psycho star from their clientele list. And while Tom's people say it was they who quit the studio, Paramount cites "cracks" in Cruise's good guy image — the jumping on the couch, the frightening use of the word "glib" and the freakshow circus engagement to a girl who had a huge crush on him when she was 10.
Then there's the little fact that, uh, Tom's not really pulling in much cash for high-watt production company. (Especially after he skims his portion off the top.)
“As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal,” Mr. Redstone told The Wall Street Journal, which first reported the studio’s decision on its Web site. “His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount.”
Yeah, it seems that studios don't exactly find it acceptable to jump around like a crazy person or attack other celebrities for using prescription drugs to help them not drive their babies into a river. We applaud you, Paramount. We do. It must be terrifying to fire a guy who has light beams coming out of his head and an ax-murderer smile slapped across his face.
Fired or Quit, Tom Cruise Parts Ways With Studio [David M. Halbfinger and Geraldine Fabrikant]
You all know Ari Emanuel. You probably know him better as Ari Gold, Jeremy Piven's disturbingly sexy character on Entourage. Well, it seems that Ari is not too happy with Mel Gibson's "Fucking Jews" comment … mostly because he's more or less known as the biggest Jew in Hollywood. Next to maybe Harvey Weinstein.
So, of course, Emanuel used the power of the Huffington Post blog to rally for a boycott of all things Mel Gibson.
At a time of escalating tensions in the world, the entertainment industry cannot idly stand by and allow Mel Gibson to get away with such tragically inflammatory statements. When The Passion of the Christ came out, Gibson was quoted as categorically denying any anti-Semitism attributed to him: "For me, it goes against the tenets of my faith, to be racist in any form. To be anti-Semitic is a sin. It's been condemned by one Papal Council after another. There's encyclicals on it, which is, you know — to be anti-Semitic is to be unchristian, and I'm not."
Now we know the truth. And no amount of publicist-approved contrition can paper it over. People in the entertainment community, whether Jew or gentile, need to demonstrate that they understand how much is at stake in this by professionally shunning Mel Gibson and refusing to work with him, even if it means a sacrifice to their bottom line.
And once everyone rallies and completely refuses to work with Gibson, Emanuel will surely sign a big, fat contract with him and support the production of his big blockbuster about how the Jews stole Hollywood or something. (The punchline is actually funnier when you realize it was stolen from someone who personally knows the HBO inspiring power agent.)
The Bottom Line on Mel Gibson's Anti-Semitic Remarks [Ari Emanuel, Huffington Post]
Oh, so you saw that two-page ad in Variety too, the one where HBO's pretty brilliant marketing team ran a fake ad touting the returns on Aquaman — the blockbuster at the center of Entourage's plotline. It got a lot of people talking, exactly what HBO was aiming for. But CNBC's Joe Kernan also got to talking. Except he didn't know the ad was fake. He didn't know the movie was fake. Though the absence of irony as he delivers the weekend box office draw? That's the only thing that's not fake.
Former Us Weekly reporter Jill Ishkanian is being investigated by the FBI for supposedly hacking into the tabloid's computers and stealing information on celebs.
Ishkanian left Us last year to start her own "photo" (aka paparazzi) agency Sunset Photo and News. We don't exactly know what she tried to steal, but TMZ speculates it was some information on Charlie Sheen. They also suggest she was in cahoots with former call girl and Jake Gyllenaal's childhood chauffeur, Heidi Fleiss.
To make matters even more complicated, the celeb hunter is also involved in some Britney Spears backlash over that alleged Brit and Kevin sex tape. Though, we think it was actually aired on UPN under the guise of a little series called Chaotic. Anyways, the paparazzi/tabloid writer's lawyer made a statement:
Feldman says he finds it "coincidental" that his client is suddenly being targeted. Feldman adds Ishkanian "did not receive any information from Us Weekly by hacking into any computer, especially information about Charlie Sheen."
That's the best defense we've ever heard. It's like Bill Clinton's "I did not engage in sexual acts with this woman … especially not while she was wearing a little blue dress."
So, maybe you haven't heard, but Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett are making a movie together. The film, Babel, was just shown in Cannes, but here at Jossip, we didn't really know much about its plotline. Until today, that is, when we read that it was "powerful" and politically influenced, blah, blah, blah.
Brad and Cate's characters travel through Morocco in the film, which is directed by 21 Grams director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, and face all types of people on different paths. Then, our ears perked up just at bit at this little plot point.
Pitt and Blanchett portray a couple on holiday in Morocco when tragedy strikes, and their story is linked to that of two shepherd boys living in a remote village.
Whoa .. whaaa? Two shepherd boys in a remote village? That's hot.
Well, we already had our cowboy fantasies come true. Now all we need is for these shepherd boys to be played by Adrian Grenier and Andy Samberg and we would never ask for anything else ever again.
Last night in Hollywood, Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis had a really fun time out together. After club hopping from Hyde to Privilege they laughed up a storm. At the expense of Paris' latest rival, Lindsay Lohan.
Our favorite quotes include:
"Lohan's movie bombed because she a fire crotch," "she's boring," "she's orange," and "Lindsay Lohan … would you fuck her? Would you fuck her mom? Cuz I wouldn't. Would you fuck her dad? Her dad's hotter than her."
Fun times. Totally. If only the creepy guy going "hey Paris, hi Paris, how was your night Paris?" wasn't there, we would watch it again … but it's starting to make us uncomfortable.
Oh, yeah, and after this whole rant about why Lindsay Lohan's movie bombed, Paris turns to Brandon and goes, "who's movie bombed?" Now that's some funny shit.
• Eva Longoria tops Maxim's top 100 list for the 100th time in a row. Ok, the second time, but it's sure starting to feel that way. [AP]
• So many young Hollywood celebrities showed up for Joe Francis' birthday party. And something about video cameras on the roller coasters? [Star]
• George Michael. Falls asleep. At the wheel. Again. [Queerty]
• High school prep kids everywhere are rejoicing over Jay McInerny's stupidity. He made a kid sit in a jet bathroom for God's sake. [R&M]
• Mickey Rourke gets his kicks by watching his Bungalow 8 friends beat up random people. [Page Six]
• Matching Cartier Love bracelets?! Awww. It almost makes us forget the Today show attack now that Katie Holmes and Brooke Shields are BFFs. [The Scoop]
Joel Stein.
Really, he never ceases to amaze us. Despite writing an over all un-amazing column most weeks, every now and again he will spit something out that gets us logging onto the LA Times after we'd sworn it off for the 100th time that month.
This week, Joel teaches us how Hollywood people do humor when he takes a producer to lunch at The American Girl cafe. And like the awesome teen sex scene that Joel just couldn't help but watch, the medialites could not pass up the chance to dine with a half Asian doll.
As we entered the cafe, our hostess, Nicole, asked us if we'd brought our dolls. We had not, so she offered us a choice of tablemates. We chose Jess, who is half-Asian, which, Swanson pointed out, he is too. "Her story is all about friendship and making friends," Nicole explained. "Mine too," said Swanson. Hitting on the American Girl cafe hostess is a major power move.
We can only imagine what kind of nonsense these two would have gotten into had the doll been dressed as a geisha and her story was all about dancing and pouring sake.
All dolled up [Joel Stein, Los Angeles Times]
It was 10:40 am Pacific Standard Time on Sunday, and Perez Hilton (otherwise known as Mario Lavandeira) was sipping mochachinos at Coffee Bean in West Hollywood when his world just about stopped spinning on its axis.
Nicole Richie DIRECTLY approached him and starting asking the hard-hitting questions. "Do I really have zombie hands?" she inquired. And then things got really, really hot.
"Call me anorexic to my face," she dared. She had her gays with her, so we were a little bit scared. But, we had a nice little convo and hugged it out. It felt good. Ballsy move Miss Richie. You've got spunk (and we felt like we were on an episode of Punk'd)!
A photo, felt Perez, would have cheapened the encounter, so we just have to trust him on this one. And give him some crazy mad props, too — because if the skeletal zombie-handed waif had approached us so directly, posse of gays in tow, we're not sure we would have survived able to come back and report it. Let only make it rhyme.
Nicole Richie's Got Balls [Perez Hilton]
Since nobody else is bringing the gossip, we decided to share this very gossipy gossip rumor, which has not been confirmed, verified, or checked in any way … but it's still very funny.
A tipster who claims to "work for a major movie studio in LA." let us in on a little Hollywood secret. It seems that there is a studio bidding war going on over a film titled, Lingerie Bowl The Movie. Apparently, Jessica Simpson is slotted to lead with co-star Jesscia Alba. And a bunch of football players and goofball leading male actors.
The concept would be that two stand-out college football players run into troubles following lifer after football with the law so in order to avoid a jail sentence they are sentenced to coach two Lingerie Football League teams, whoever gets their team to the Lingerie Bowl avoids jail. Names being considered for these two comedic actors who will play the Head Coaches role include Vince Vaugn, Owen Wilson and Johnny Knoxville.
The feature will also include prominent former and current NFL stars, some of the names being tossed around include Tom Brady, Lawrence 'LT' Taylor, Jim McMahon, William 'The Refrigerator' Perry, Joe Montana, Joe Nameth and
Ricky Williams.
Sounds a bit far-fetched to us, and we'd almost like to think this is a total farce. But, then again, we wouldn't but it past Miramax to be one of the bidders … or Jessica Simpson to star in another movie that requires her to jump around and not talk much.
• Dear God, say it ain't so. If Anna Nicole Smith has a baby, we're going to have a flippin' conniption fit. [R&M]
• Even with a nose job, Ashley Simpson is still be less hot than her sister. [Pob Bytes]
• A member of old school media died before his profession did. We think it's easier to go that way. [My Way]
• Your stealing has cost Hollywood $6.1 billion. Which to them is like 50 bucks. [AP]
• Nicole Richie thinks she is too thin, has a problem, and is seeing doctors for it. But she isn't anorexia or anything. [Superficial]
Much like its foray into the shadowy world of J.T. LeRoy, Vanity Fair's stalking of embroiled private eye Anthony Pellicano doesn't reveal anything much, well, new. While Bryan Burrough and John Connolly's full treatment is available online, it'll also arrive in the June issue (on New York newsstands May 3) where, we suspect, it'll get some coverline play, a decent pictorial spread, and endless pages jumped to the back of the book.
But all hope isn't lost. Just because VF will insist you read thousands of words to embrace yourself in all that is Pellicano doesn't mean you have to. Forthwith, we've broken down the juicy pieces into digestable, media attention span-size morsels.
• Pellicano had a war room straight out of Hollywood. That said, for all his high tech goodies, his wiretapping was unimpressively low-tech: In order to tap phone lines with different area codes than his 310, he had to rent apartments in those area codes and install a separate computer.
• Pellicano's work with Paramount honcho Brad Grey was "extensive" — and let's us drop boldface names like Adam Sandler and Brad Pitt.
• Attorney Bert Fields and Pellicano were so close, the P.I. considered converting to Judaism. And not the celebrity version that lets you tie a red string on your wrist and call yourself religious.
• Pellicano was an asshole to his wife and a bastard to his kids. But you probably already assumed that.
Inside Hollywood's Big Wiretap Scandal [Bryan Burrough and John Connolly, Vanity Fair]
