While CNBC is making their cuts despite record highs in ratings, the guys over at Sirius are trying to find a way to spin the fact that they've lost $4.8 billion this year.

Their current take on it? It's all Howard Stern's fault a write-down because of the crappy economy.

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Howard Stern married long-time girlfriend Beth Ostrosky this weekend, leading to the biggest washed-up celebrity clusterfuck of the century. Let's see, the guest list included John Stamos, Jimmy Kimmel, Joan Rivers, Billy Joel, Donald Trump, Chevy Chase, Artie Lang, and Barbara Walters. Not to mention the ceremony was presided over by Kelly Ripa's wife husband, former soap star Mark Consuelos.

Do you think that some of these B+ listers phoned the paparazzi to let them know they'd be showing up to Stern's NY bash at Le Cirque, or did the photogs receive a formal invitation from the happy couple?

• Newspapers: Gone.

• Television, film, and their appropriate award ceremonies: On their way out.

• Satellite Radio: Doing great, thanks.

Don't be fooled by the sharp whine of Sirius XM Radio CEO Mel Karmazin, the man is at the helm of the only entertainment industry that is currently growing instead of shrinking. His biggest complaint right now is trying to measure the exact amount of his company's success, which is second only to Comcast as a subscriber-based company.

Sorry Mel, it's hard to find pity for a man who okay'd Howard Stern making $500 million dollars while we are all currently acting out a scene from Steinbeck.

Chaunce Hayden, the Steppin' Out editor whose name regularly appeared in Page Six until he found himself embroiled in a false report about a Bam Margera and Lynsi Smigo sex tape, is the center of this Radar profile, which lists his various past careers: male stripper, car washer, failed punk rocker, bartender, swimming pool digger. Hayden acknowledges that nobody actually reads his publication, which is littered around New York and New Jersey, which might be a growing concern because until lately, it's been his single entry into getting his gossip items, and his name, in the press. Then the Post banned him (Smigo has since filed a $10 million defamation suit against him and the paper); MSNBC blacklisted him after a he caused a commotion on Joe Scarborough's show; he's persona non grata at ABC, when he went on-air to report Diane Sawyer had just shushed him; and Howard Stern would like to see him dead after Hayden said, on ABC, that Stern should be looked at for insider trading for allegedly leaking details of his then-impending move to Sirius. Interesting, though, that Radar is reporting all of this. Not because the gossip industry isn't the pub's territory — it is — but because paragraphs like this:

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Rush Limbaugh, the most listened-to voice on the radio dial bar none, has signed a $400 million deal that keeps him on the air through 2016, as Drudge breathlessly reports. This deal "SHATTERS BROADCAST RECORDS." Which is technically true: Howard Stern's 5-year $500 million contract with Sirius shattered, uh, "satellite" records. Of which there weren't any to begin with.

The conservative talker, who will be on this week's NYT Magazine, in 2001 signed a $285 million, eight-year deal, which kept him on the air through 2009. This makes his new deal worth $57.14 million a year, which is actually just more than half the $100 million/year Stern's contract works out to. Nevermind that, though: Limbaugh will also get a nine-figure bonus, which he'll use toward the new G550 jet he's buying.

There’s some value to being open minded. Howard Stern’s pro-sex, anti-judgment attitude has earned him the respect of his peers, and by peers we mean people who also like to have sex with women.

For 4,500 gushing words, Jenny Stewart of gay.com says Howard Stern is the best thing to happen to lesbians since the advent of tampons.

With Don Imus alienating the blacks and the gays, Howard Stern is the shock jock for everyone (not including conservative Christians).

Well, we don't really have wedding plans. We're enjoying being engaged. We like the whole idea of being engaged. We think we like it even more than the idea of being married.

Sometimes we fantasize about actually having a wedding with the white dress and the whole thing – because I look great in a white dress…But then we think we'd just have some friends over for a party, something like that.

–Howard Stern, wondering whether it's a nice day for a white wedding [via People]

• Rose McGowan confuses "Cinema for AIDS" benefit with her "Slutty Mermaids Anonymous" meeting.

• Howard Stern admits to having twice contemplated suicide. Experts say his unequivocally annoying girlfriend, Beth Ostrosky, is to blame.

• Sarah Jessica Parker launches her new affordable clothing line, Bitten. Carrie Bradshaw would never have approved.

• Nicole Richie is surprisingly funny, surprisingly knowledgeable when it comes to the male erogenous zones.

• Matthew McConaughey shirtless, and rolling around in the sand. This time, it's for a movie!

If you were one of the literally thousands of women hoping to run your fingers through Howard Stern's luscious locks of hair, unfortunately that ship has sailed.

The oh-so-desirable disk jockey announced on his radio broadcast this morning that he and semi-longtime girlfriend Beth Ostrosky are getting hitched.

And you know what that means: back off, ladies.

We don't care how much of an adonis Howard is, or how much kindness and sensitivity he's shown towards your progressive feminist ideals.

(Because, whether he's crudely grilling an abused former stripper about her most intimate sexual experience or soliciting a porn star to reveal her naughtiest "down-there" grooming secrets, Howard has always had the ladies swooning for that unique brand of laissez-faire misogyny).

But now that he's a taken man, we ask that you show some respect for the holy institution of marriage, and keep your grubby little femme-Nazi hands off of his "private parts."

• George Clooney up for the role of Bill O'Reilly; feels ready to "act" the part of celebrity Hothead.

• Howard Stern has plenty of critics but no censor; free to be his loud, vulgar self.

• Philly newspapers slash jobs in advertising department; apparently forget that ad revenues account for most of their overall profits.

• Patriots coach Bill Belichick apologizes for celebrating Pats win by shoving photographer Jim Davis in the face.

• Aspen Daily News editor jumps to The Aspen Times in news that must be "pretty big" in Aspen.

• Rosie O'Donnell claims "Trump is obsessed" with her. Insert Donald's inevitable *she's just throwing her weight around* rebuttal.

• Malcolm Gladwell has two bestselling books, an impressive 'fro, and a puff piece in the Washingtonian.

If there was ever a reason to listen to Howard Stern – and it's certainly not to hear about George Takai's love life – it was last week, when guest Martha Stewart hopped on over to her fellow Sirius host's show. Dishing on The Donald, her ex-husband, romps with Anthony Hopkins, prison bruises, and her current love life with the guy responsible for your Excel spreadsheets, it was Martha Stewart's affirmation that no, she is not a-sexual like you might expect. At her bedside, she keeps a woman's best friend: a vibrator. But not just any faux schlong will do for the queen of domesticity; Martha's tickler carries a $1,200 price tag. And the only way we know how to get an 8-inch piece of silicone to cost that much is by blinging it out with a couple carats of De Beers' finest. Which must leave one nasty rash.

• Surprisingly, the Stock Market does not wait for Diddy. Apparently Diddy would likely "be late for his own funeral." Who doesn't show up fashionably late for their own publicity stunt? [Page Six]

• Russell Simmons and Kimora Lee are not necessarily breaking up for good. They can stay together as long as she continues to let him sleep with younger models. [Lowdown]

• Here are Rolling Stone's 10 bands to watch in 2006. But to be honest, if you haven't already heard of these bands, the indie kids are never going to be impressed. [Rolling Stone]

• Shakira is modest. Really, she is. Sure, she's never worn a shirt that skank out her body and show her stomach, but that's really not her fault. [The Scoop]

• We're just impressed that the stoners got their shit together enough to organize stealing Jerry Garcia's toilet in the first place. [USAT]

• Hey Howard Stern. Just because a homeless dude spit in your face does not make you special. This is New York, just spit right back. [TMZ]

We were just thinking how funny it would be if Today took a cue from NY1 News and did an "in the papers" segment. Because the only thing in the papers this morning is Katie Couric (and of course Santa Clause and his destroyed Indiana home).

Yes, you all know she's leaving NBC to take a 22 minute a night anchor spot at CBS. From morning "show host" to a real live evening "news anchor" Couric has been stirring up the waters for months. And we think we are at the point of complete saturation.

The Washington Post reveals that Couric's plan will be a "two-step process," with the announcement of her departure from Today preceding the news that she will succeed Bob Schieffer at CBS Evening News. Not only because that's what normally happens when people switch jobs, but also because "the final contractual details [with CBS] have not been worked out."

While Couric was on vacation, Today ratings soared, points out the New York Times. They also leave out the more popular speculation that Meredith Vieira will replace Couric, and focus on Today regulars Campbell Brown and Natalie Morales (who ran Good Morning America into the ground during their fill-in spots) as successors.

Of course, the gossip pages couldn't get through a day without taking their jabs. Page Six has CBS hater Howard Stern's words of wisdom, "Well, let me tell you something, Katie . . . I'm gonna guarantee you - it's probably not gonna work," and the Daily News' take, "With only 22 minutes a night, it's going to be hard to make the 'CBS Evening News' all about you."

Tomorrow, we will continue to read all about how the announcement of her move will happen any day now. Any day.

And when that day comes, we really hope Katie Holmes' baby is born so that we can get back to the news that really matters.

CBS Prepares to Land a New Anchor [Howard Kurtz, Washington Post]
A CBS Deal With Katie Couric May Be Near [Bill Carter, New York Times]
VOICE OF DOOM [Page Six]
Cute move! [Michelle Ingrassia, NYDN]
Couric May Have Reached Deal With CBS [AP News]

More to chew on from our most quotable nightly news spewers, courtesy of Intern Wendy. Happy Friday lunch hour.

• "It's terrifying. It makes me rethink my life." —Tucker Carlson (on how agreeing with Chris Matthews scares him shitless), Hardball, March 3.

• "FOX security. Hannity and Colmes come to your house with billy clubs." —Keith Olbermann, on FOX hunting down crank callers for Bill O'Reilly, Countdown, March 3.

• "That does not mean, though, that I want to go see movies that claim that the CIA is in bed with fat, ugly Texas oilmen." — Joe Scarborough, Scarborough Country, March 6.

• "After all the things, the Nazi uniform — you think that was just a style thing?" —Rita Cosby (playing fashionista for Darryl Littlejohn) Live and Direct, March 8.

• "There's a difference between organized religion and a belief that — for example, I know you look at — just if you look at universes within universes, the planets, the stars, gravity, and Howard Stern, and people in the animal kingdom." — Sean Hannity trying to convince Howard Stern there is a God, Hannity and Colmes, March 8.

• "Well, everybody's taller than you are. You're not very tall." Jack Cafferty to Wolf Blitzer, The Situation Room, March 8.

• "And then there's Internet porn. That will keep you watching." — Keith Olbermann, Countdown, March 9.

• "Was there sperm? That`s what I'm asking." Nancy Grace, Nancy Grace, March 9.

• What does it take to make a spectacular student newspaper? A belief in first amendment rights and a subscription to TimesSelect. (Ok, we threw in that last part.) [NYT]

• Some New York Times editors go to The Atlantic. Others take the scenic route. [WWD]

• Advice from Jack Shafer to James Bennet: stay up late. Well, at least it's better than Bill Keller's advice: get on that invisible masthead. [Slate]

• Howard Stern, always the mature, classy guy he's known to be, launches an "I Hate Les Moonves" tour. Which in turn inspired Lindsay Lohan to launch her, "I'll take my clothes off for an Oscar" campaign. [NYP]

• Now we know why Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart are so damn funny. They warm up by ripping on their scooter-riding executive producer before every show. [Fishbowl NY]

• Total turmoil over at QTN (Queer Television Network). Enter President Lloyd Fan, exit founder Frank Lloyd — and entire management team. [C21]

• Maybe the The Economist's next study will be on The Economist's fleeing employees Bill Emmott and Beth O’Rorke. [MIN]

• So, Les Moonves didn't know he was paying for Sirius Satellite's advertisements? Was he simply not listening to Howard Stern's show? [NYT]

• MSLO scraps its kids publication. We hope this won't in anyway affect the much anticipated Blue Print. (Well, something needs to fill the Budget Living whole in our hearts.) [Media Week]

• Is Nancy Grace the televised version of faux memoirist James Frey? [NYO]

• Uh-oh, Donald Trump's ratings hit an all-time low. See what happens when you piss off the Martha? [FOX]

• Rupert Murdoch brings the New York Post to Boston, but snubs his old Herald pal Pat Purcell, and goes for the Globe. [Boston Globe]

• Wow, a biography of Condi Rice? Elisabeth Bumiller should write a guide on how not to end up on the Best Sellers list. [NYO]

• How fun would it be to throw Donald Trump into the Les Moonves vs. Howard Stern brawl? [Page Six]

• Orioles pitcher Kris Benson sells his wife to FHM. [Mediaweek]

• In the economics of magazine exchange rates, three years of Blender equals one year of Cargo. We wonder how many Details you need to make a GQ? Like, 3.75, maybe? [Ad Age]

• We didn't believe anyone wanted it at first, either, but, Keith Kelly’s “exclusive” of the day tells us what we already know. One last time, everybody, Hartle Media bought Spin. [NYP]

• Franklin Foer somehow managed to change jobs without loosing any blood. Amazing, because he seems kind of like a guy who would get punched in the face a lot. [NYT]

• Britney Spears misses traveling. The old ball and chain (deadbeat husband and cumbersome baby) are really bringing her down. Not to mention her checking account. [Billboard]

• The "are they or aren't they" question shifts focus from Anderson Cooper and Ryan Seacrest to Coldplay and their break-up ambiguity. [NME]

• It must be the fake wood paneling that really makes the Kid Rock sex tape skeevey. [R&M]

• Scissor Sister's music goes well with "gourmet finger food." So, um, is that what the kids are calling it these days? [Stylus]

• Even Snoop Dog and Sheryl Crow can't fill XM's void left by Howard Stern. [LAT]

• It's a D-List clusterfuck! (Ok, this has nothing to do with music, but we just wanted to say clusterfuck.) Spurned lovers Shar Jackson and Jason Alexander hop in bed together … well, actually, they hop into Brandy and Nick Cannon's bed. There, music. [Page Six]

• David Lee Roth is more of a handful of Howard Stern? Lloyd Grove is still talking about all things H.Stern related? [Lowdown]

• Big Screen Concerts brings completely sterile rock experiences to old people and kids with overprotective parents. The Phish movie attendees really don't care, or notice though. ('Cuz they were high … shh) [NY Times]

• Though it is a bit unnerving that Joel and Benji Madden are looking to get further into the movie business, we suppose this means we won't be getting a new album from Good Charlotte anytime soon — Martha would say "it's a good thing." [Reuters]

• GLAAD has lashed out at American Idol for Randy Jackson's comments to one contestant about his gender. But, we don't understand. The kid thought the judges were "racist," What's GLAAD got to do with it? [MSNBC]

• Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like Usher's? [Page Six]

• Mobster/actor who plays a mobster, Lilo Brancato Jr. gets his day in court. [The Scoop]

• He swore he wouldn't do it, but on Howard Stern's show, the “f bombs” fell faster than his daughter's clothes. [Seattle Times]

• Don't bring food anywhere near Anna Wintour, or she'll roll her eyes at you. No, Anna, Please! Anything but the eye roll. [Lowdown]

• Pete Doherty can erase his tattoos, but not his James Frey days. [AP News]