Every week, a bunch of "real" people say really stupid things on reality TV. These are their stories.
10. "There ain't no ice skating in the hood. It don't snow in the hood." — Snoop Dogg, Snoop Dogg's Fatherhood
Every week, there are so many eventful developments that we (almost) can’t keep track of them all! So, for your convenience and ours, we’ve dispatched the indispensable Intern Whitney to remind us what about this past week made it so damned special.
• Intern Wendy (finally) gets a modicum of recognition; discovers that MSNBC's negotiations with Rosie likely fell through because the unimaginative suits were unable to accommodate her demand for gold-plated trapeze.
• Everyone's disingenuous "going green" crap has us seeing red.
• Apparently there's some sort of writers' strike going on. Naturally, we're on team Pumpkin Spice Latte.
• Butter celebrates its fifth year of existence, prompting many to exclaim, "Really? I thought that place closed in, like, 2004."
Today is a very special day for our tireless Intern Wendy who, after two years of loyal service, has finally earned her reporter's badge and will henceforth be known as Correspondent Wendy. So what's in store for her first Cable Quotables column as an official contributor?
"Tucker Carlson's been dreaming about knives attacking his manhood, Bill O'Reilly's dreaming that Papaya King is the new Michael's, and Willie Geist is fantasizing about how being electrocuted might be marginally better than working at MSNBC." In other words, today's theme is "sick fantasies." Although as Intern Correspondent Wendy is quick to point out, "the more things change, the more they stay the same."
On this unexpectedly nice/warm autumn day, those in the know have flocked over to Madison Square Park for the surprisingly still-open Shake Shack. Being creatures of habit, however, we're stuck eating crappy salad from the deli next door. But onto bigger and better things! For instance, today's theme. According to Intern Wendy, it's "Things that scare the crap out of you." Which is sort of like every week! Today's examples, says Wendy, include "Britney Spears' kids being destined for reform school; Heather Mills not taking her meds; and Larry King trying to figure out the weirdness that is Criss Angel." Also scary: Clowns.
It's late on a Tuesday afternoon and it's a sad day in Jossip Headquarters. Little Intern Wendy was unable to find a theme to tie together today's edition of Cable Quotables! Devastating, we know. And just as we were about to lose hope, suddenly a common thread appeared. Could it be?? Yes, a unifying factor—other than the fact that all these people are crazy. It took unspeakable amounts of caffeine, but finally we've got it: People Who Should Never, Ever Procreate. You can't win them all, Wendy.
• "I can’t fathom this. I’m here on a Friday night talking about Britney Spears, so my legal career has obviously reached a new low." Bernie Grimm, admitting he's no better than a glorified ambulance chaser, On the Record, October 26
• "How many acts of terrorism have Methodists from Texas committed lately?" Tucker Carlson, looking for the next big jihad, Tucker, October 26
We were totally just about to write a thought provoking intro to this Friday's drizzly edition of Cable Quotables, but it seems Intern Wendy's already beaten us to the punch. "The theme," she writes, "Things that make you go, "Hmmm." Like, are smiling mugshots better than snarly ones? Which demonic twin will Nancy Grace birth first? And what's up with Peppermint Patty…is she gay, bi, or a tranny? I always wondered about Marcie calling her 'sir.'" Us too! Good grief. Thank God it's Friday…
• "I have two little shirts. One says, 'I was here first,' and the other one says, 'No, I was here first. We`ll see.'” Nancy Grace, apparently underestimating the need for daily shirt-changes, Nancy Grace, October 22
• "If you can smile during a mug shot like that, you‘re kind of my hero." Tucker Carlson, on why he loves Kid Rock, sociopaths, Tucker, October 22
It's Friday, you're tired (and sort-of cranky) and you certainly don't have the patience for reading through another Cable Quotables intro. And we totally hear you. So since Intern Wendy can't contain her excitement, we'll cut right to the chase! This week, Nancy Grace incorrectly assumes her spawn will be dateable, Bill O'Reilly does a terrible job at promoting literature and Joel McHale saves us the suspense and tells us what's going to happen to Ellen DeGeneres and her mangy mongrel. We hope you're happy.
• "Hey, I'm not even answering the door until these twins are 18." Nancy Grace, putting her unborn babies on house-arrest, Nancy Grace, October 15
• "This is not a book for the dim child.” Bill O’Reilly, suggesting that his target demographic find something else for their leisure reading, The O’Reilly Factor, October 16
Today's Cable Quotables couldn't come at a better time! We were just thinking how nice it would be to run out and get an iced hazelnut coffee, then sip it slowly and luxuriously while surfing the internets, avoiding our boss' IM's and trying not to think about all the work we should be doing instead. In any event, Intern Wendy describes today's theme as "capitalism gone crazy." We think it's more like "Dude, how frickin' shady is that billionaire nutcase who owns Virgin Airlines??" Then again, we're all hopped up on caffeine, so what do we know?
• "That's right, $25,000 for a brand-new, newborn baby boy. And plus, you can actually get it named after the highest bidder right there on the formal, official birth certificate!" Nancy Grace, hoping goldenpalace.com will buy her twins, Nancy Grace, October 9
• "When I decide to sell the twins on the street, I'm going it hire you to defend me." Nancy Grace, meticulously planning what will happens if when goldenpalace.com DOES buy her twins, Nancy Grace, October 9
Happy Friday, everyone. Well, Halloween is just around the corner, so it's only fitting that Intern Wendy described today's Cable Quotables theme as "things that care the living crap outta ya." Examples, say Wendy, include "Nancy Grace stripping; Tucker Carlson being horny; Dan Abrams thinking about size." Yep, "Little Shop of Horrors" almost seems like an understatement.
• “So how important is the size? Evander‘s looks bigger.” Dan Abrams, wondering what else is big about Evander Holyfield besides his grill, MSNBC Live, October 4
• “Every time we start the theme music to our show, 8:00 o'clock sharp Eastern, they start a sock hop in my tummy. Every single night. They love that music. I'm going to play it for them when they finally get here.” Nancy Grace, proving once again that her show caters towards those with only partial brain functionality, Nancy Grace, October 4
After hours of listening to the construction workers drill a giant hole outside our office for seemingly no reason whatsoever, we were starting to wish we'd remembered to bring the travel Advil we keep in our purse. And just when we thought all was lost, Intern Wendy gave us the perfect (temporary) distraction: an extra special Britney-centric installment of Friday's Cable Quotables. Says Wendy, "Britney's even being discussed on Dr. Phil today. I guess the only shows that aren't covering it are Meet the Press and This Old House. And let's not forget M*A*S*H.
• “I have three kids! Of course I drink! I drink nonstop!” Bernie Grimm, letting everyone know what he and Britney Spears have in common, On the Record, October 2
• “I was surprised when the judge put the custody into the hands of Lindsay Lohan.” Dennis Miller, recommending a more suitable guardian for Sean and Jayden Federline, The O’Reilly Factor, October 3
Initially, Intern Wendy was left scratching her head and wondering whether today's semiweekly installment of Cable Quotables had any cohesiveness. Then she thought a little harder and proclaimed "If there's a 'theme' this time out, it's that Kevin Federline's biggest life achievement is making Britney Spears look insane." Close, Wendy. But we think you actually meant that Britney's biggest life achievement was making K-Fed look almost functional by comparison. Either way, we can all agree that neither one will be winning any Parenting Of The Year accolades.
• "You could just grease that pig up and you know—have you ever been to one of those things, like at a state fair or county fair where they, like, grease up the pig and you’ve got to run around, trying to get the pig? [Pause] They probably don’t grease up the pig there in Connecticut.” Anderson Cooper, contemplating a good roll in the mud, Anderson Cooper 360, September 27
• “I should just point out, though, I am a Jeopardy champion. Just throwing there out there.” Anderson Cooper, answering the question "What is a show-off?", Anderson Cooper 360, September 28
It's a somewhat humid but mostly nice day. And in any event, who cares, because it's Friday! So what's today's Cable Quotables underlying theme? "Fear, and the many forms it takes," writes Intern Wendy. "Wacko Iranian dictators, Bill O'Reill, Nancy Grace giving birth…It makes Saw III look like the Care Bears in comparison. The terrorists are truly among us." Oh, the horror.
• "You know, the other day, during a sonogram, I was very afraid. I thought I saw another one in there . . . But I'm happy to report tonight there are just two.” Nancy Grace, on the only thing scarier than her giving birth to twins, Nancy Grace, September 24
• "You know what? I student-taught before I got in law school. There was absolutely zero sexual tension.” Nancy Grace, bemoaning the fact that nobody was “hot for teacher” when she was the instructor, Nancy Grace, September 24
With O.J. Simpson back in the news, it's only natural that his former fairweather friend Kato Kaelin would come out to support him grab another fifteen minutes of fame. "I feel sorry for Anderson Cooper," writes Intern Wendy. "The return of Kato Kaelin from oblivion is enough to make anyone hit the bottle…even if all you can get is TheraFlu." We feel the exact same way. Except for us, it's all about the Robitussin.
• "I'm coming up there! You and me in the Bellagio, forget about it! We’re crazy!” Kato Kaelin, looking to mooch off of Greta Van Susteren now that O.J. Simpson's heading for the clink, On the Record, September 18
• “But he — right, he needs more Katos in his life.” Dan Abrams, on how a freeloading houseguest could totally turn OJ Simpson’s life around, MSNBC Live, September 18
"I'm enjoying this abundance of material while I can," writes Intern Wendy. "Once Nancy Grace gives birth and Britney goes off to a prolonged rehab, I may have to retire the column!" But for now, it's a veritable schmorgasboard, kids! So read up and enjoy it while you can.
• “Why don’t we teach dogs how to put condoms on?” Dennis Miller, offering a modernized take on Bob Barker's "pet" project, The O’Reilly Factor, September 12
• “So what do we have here…sleepy, lazy, tipsy?” Keith Olbermann, casting the "All Britney" version of the Seven Dwarfs, Countdown, September 12
Another Friday, another Cable Quotables and another beautiful autumn day you wish you were actually outdoors long enough to enjoy. And because the always-thoughtful knows you're in such a hurry to get out of the office today (and because she accidentally-on-purpose forgot to hit "Record,") she's generously saved you the trouble of rifling through the incoherent ramblings of Joe Scarbarough and fast-forwarded you straight to the bona fide crazytalk of preggers nutso Nancy Grace.
• "There’s nothing sexier than a Russian washer/dryer set." Tucker Carlson, sharing his secret infatuation with St. Petersburg linens, Tucker, September 12
• "I tell you what, they must be little crime fighters because they really go crazy during this show. They sleep all day, but the minute we start talking about crime, they go berserk, Keisha, berserk." Nancy Grace, trying to convince herself she's not giving birth to twin homicidal maniacs, Nancy Grace, September 12
• "You know what? I just want them to be healthy. But I do know statistically boys are more likely to end up in juvenile detention. So I`m concerned about that. But you know what? I'll burn that bridge when I get there." Nancy Grace, Nancy Grace, planning tomorrow today, September 12
CNN described Britney's VMA's performance by saying she looked like "she was sloshing blindfolded through mud." TMZ put it more succinctly, featuring a post of Spears tottering unsteadily in her sparkly but ill-fitting bikini under the caption "Britney's Career: 1998-2007."
And, not surprisingly, the opinionated tv pundits had a few post-performance thoughts of their own. This week, as always, it fell on poor Intern Wendy's shoulders to sort through all the muck, though was on hand to sort through the muck. Her findings, after the jump.
We like simplicity. In fact, once or twice in (overheard) conversation we've even heard ourselves politely referred to as being "on the simple side." So naturally, we were pleased when Intern Wendy told us that the Friday edition of Cable Quotables would be relatively uncomplicated. "Today's column has a simple theme," she confesses. "Anderson Cooper goes nuts." Short, pithy, succinct. What better way to describe a completely heterosexual silver haired gent with pale skin, forearm envy and a firm grasp of the nuclear arms race?
• "Sex, lies and audiotape. Who says politics is boring?” Anderson Cooper, on what he loves most about election year, Anderson Cooper 360, September 5
• "That’s one of those things where it’s like, 'D’oh! The nukes are missing. Yikes!'" Anderson Cooper, wishing Homer Simpson were in charge, Anderson Cooper 360, September 5
Today, a well-rested Intern Wendy (perhaps still grumpy over last week's debacle) modestly describes her Cable Quotables roundup as "slim pickings." Not so! In fact, she's done a marvelous job of capturing Nancy Grace's hormonal angst, Bill Wolff's animal "expertise," Tucker Carlson's true feelings on Britney Spears' oft-exposed crotch region and Mark Geragos' views on tawdry lavatory sex. So enjoy!
(NOTE: This dish served best with a pinch of irreverence and a sprinkle of "Seriously, WTF are these people still doing on television?")
• "Oh, they are something. They're cooking hot tamales again tonight." Nancy Grace, on how her unborn twins are already going through their "rebellious phase," Nancy Grace, August 30
• "I‘m not going to call that wrong." Tucker Carlson, fervently defending Britney Spears’ right to go commando, Tucker, August 30
"Congratulations for making my life hell the past few days," writes a (sort-of) joking Intern Wendy. "Thanks to Jossip's coverage of Tucker Carlson, I had to rewrite my entire column for today. It's enough to make me ask for a raise," she sighs, adding, "if I were getting paid in the first place." Oh, Wendy. Such a kidder…
• "Nasty, bad, naughty boy, that is the single gayest thing I have ever heard a senator say ever. That is redolent of gayness." Tucker Carlson, showing off his gay-dar, Tucker, August 28
• "You just did a foot move there, Tucker." Pat Buchanan, wondering if anything's "afoot" under the table, Tucker, August 28
It's hot, humid and sort-of cloudy outside. Our air-conditioner's on the fritz, blasting out sporadic puffs of freezing cold air then inexplicably shutting off for an afternoon nap. We tried drinking a Red Bull to perk up but it turns out without vodka mixed in, it kinda tastes like crap. Which means it's time for today's Cable Quotables! This time, Intern Wendy easily ties everything with a unifying factor, saying simply "Nancy Grace's pregnancy is the best gift Jossip ever had." Well, not counting the shower-radio.
• "I don't know about you, but every time I go for a drive, I always take my mallet. Got to have a mallet. Definitely need a carload of diapers, some of them soiled, in the back seat. And where would any of us be without our trusty buck knife? Got to have on of these, much less got to have a BB gun. Got to have a BB gun for a long drive." Nancy Grace, on what road trips will be like for her twins, road trip, Nancy Grace, August 24
• "Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, it`s all about me.” Nancy Grace, stating the obvious, Nancy Grace, August 24
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