As the week winds down and we slowly slip into "weekend mode" (something that generally involves wearing short-shorts and consuming copious amounts of libations) it's nice to take a moment or two and completely zone out reflect on the more poignant thoughts articulated by our favorite tv pundits. So let Intern Wendy take you on a stroll down memory lane. We promise you'll never look at Anderson Cooper the same way again.
• "Very quickly, if you are a working stripper, someone who takes their clothes off for a living, and you are supporting Ron Paul, we want to hear from you. MSNBC, give us a buzz." Tucker Carlson, doing his patriotic duty, Tucker, August 21
• "Yes, if he gets Britney, Lindsay, and Paris, they could maybe try to open a successful liquor store. We do not have any customers, but we are sold out." Joel McHale, previewing Donald Trump’s "Celebrity Apprentice," Countdown, August 20
"I screwed up the password for today's column," Intern Wendy apologized earlier today.
"My excuse?" she continued (ignoring the more obvious question of why in the hell CQ has a password in the first place). "I'm suffering from Post Glenn Beck Syndrome. The only thing scarier: Larry King's Star Jones interview."
Truer—and more confusing—words were never spoken.
• "I want to see if you have any legs or anything. Are you confined to a bed? Or do you—I mean, I'm just wondering. Pull back, please. I'm just wondering, do you have a life? Do you go out and do anything?” Glenn Beck, describing the average viewer of his show, Glenn Beck, August 16
• "Too much hair. Too much makeup. Too much jewelry." Star Jones, on what she and hubby Al Reynolds have in common, Larry King Live, August 17
Sigh. Another slow news Friday spent intermittently nodding off and daydreaming about a job that actually has . But wait! Suddenly, a cure for your boredom (or at least a momentary reprieve!) Read on to find out what Bill and Hillary's marriage has in common with a 7/11, what Bill O'Reilly's really thinks of the CIA, and why you'll never think of the Gaza strip the same way again.
• "And you still support them? You still feed them?" Bill O’Reilly, imploring Dennis Miller to starve his kids because they like Jon Stewart better, The O’Reilly Factor, August 15
• "They should have, because that marriage couldn’t be any more about convenience if they installed a Slim Jim rack and a Slurpee machine at the base of their bed." Dennis Miller, on Bill and Hillary Clinton eternal union, The O’Reilly Factor, August 15
"Nancy Grace's pregnancy has been the gift that keeps on giving," writes Intern Wendy. "Because of that, I faced the hardest decision I've had since the column started: What could I possibly add to her insane rantings about breasts, pole dancing, and kiddie vitamins?"
The answer?
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing. So here they are, from her August 9 show about Britney Spears, without comment."
Nancy Grace's unfiltered, crazy-person ramblings, after the jump.
"I've always believed in the power of prayer," writes the ever-hopeful Intern Wendy. "So when I prayed for material for Friday's column, the Lord blessed me with more material than I can put in one column! Between Nancy Grace's parenting hints, Dan Abrams' dirty talk, and Tucker Carlson's inability to sin, I'm going to be putting a $50 in the collection plate on Sunday, instead of the usual five bucks."
Amen to that.
• "Tucker, you will be relieved to know that Lindsay has been returned to captivity after an unsuccessful attempt to reintroduce her into the wild." Willie Geist, putting Lindsay Lohan on the endangered species list, Tucker, August 6
• "It is hard to sin in Utah. I have tried." Tucker Carlson, on why his latest vacation sucked, Tucker, August 6
Did you read television critic Dough Elfman's profile piece in yesterday's Chicago Sun-Times? Then, of course, you already saw the amazing profile on Keith Olbermann, in which the liberal nutter characterizes his relationship with Bill O'Reilly as parasitic, and finally admits to being like that nagging head cold you just can't seem to get rid of.
Olbermann credits some of "Countdown's" success to O'Reilly, whom he calls a "crazy demagogue" in the vein of Joe McCarthy.
"Good ol' Bill writes half my material for me," Olbermann says. "It's how, to some degree, a virus feels about the host. … I'll try not to compare myself to any one-celled animals again, but there we go."
Even better? The photo accompanying the article, as Intern Wendy helpfully observes, "makes KO look like he's drunk."
Today's much-needed dose of Cable Quotables serves as a much-needed reminder that most adults are as petty, mean and cliquish as those bitchy popular girls from high school, except without the traffic-stopping good looks, low tolerance and latent promiscuity. Intern Wendy describes today's theme as "Hatred, rejection and losers," which are typically the first three words that come to mind whenever we think about Star Wars conventions.
• "That convention is a loser fest. I mean, there are hookers who have put an embargo on that convention." The suddenly attractive Dennis Miller, proving once again that, in the land of the blind, the man with one eye is king, The O’Reilly Factor, August 2
• "Here’s a guy who wants to take on the Taliban and he can’t even handle Roger Ailes. How sad, how sad." Joe Scarborough, calling John Edwards a sissy, Morning Joe, August 3
In today's late-breaking edition of Cable Quotables, Intern Wendy finds out what makes the man behind the man in the bow tie tick, and learns more than she ever wanted to know about Tucker Carlson. So read on to hear about everything from Tucker Carlson's secret schoolboy crush to the dearth of muzak to a step-by-step guide for underachievers everywhere. It's a doozy! And anyway, it's free.
• "Actually I‘m going to reveal myself as kind of a sicko. I think the Speaker of the House is kind of a handsome woman. With that, we‘re going to end that before I get myself in trouble. Thank you very much. It‘s great to see you." Tucker Carlson, revealing his one-sided love affair with Nancy Pelosi, Tucker, July 27
• "Did the handcuffs — were they the furry kind?" Tucker Carlson, who likes his bondage warm and fuzzy, Tucker, July 27
• "But to read [Donald Trump's] books? That disqualifies you as a mother right there." Tucker Carlson, finally realizing who's to blame for Dina Lohan’s irresponsible child-rearing, Tucker, July 30
Not feeling particularly motivated today? Join the club! And, while you're at it, distract yourself by reading what a bunch of pissed off pundits have to say. Turns out, they hate bimbos, fat people and Bill O'Reilly. And, as Intern Wendy puts it, "what can you say about a week where Joey Buttafuoco is offering parental advice to troubled teens?" Classic.
• "Jesus, take the wheel and get these bimbos out of the front seat." Michael Musto, recognizing that divine intervention is Lindsay's only hope, Countdown, July 24
• "Point the finger. Don't be afraid. Don't be a wuss. Do it." Joey Buttafuoco, imparting his knowledge of troubled teens to Michael Lohan, Showbiz Tonight, July 25
• "This guy’s Indian name is 'Dances with Facts.'" Dennis Miller, sharing his favorite nickname for Bill O’Reilly, The O’Reilly Factor, July 25
Okay, we know what you're thinking, 'Why,' you wonder, 'should we read Cable Quotables when TMZ has already done 18 (check that, 20!) items on a coked up LiLo, who may or may not have tried to run over her former assistant in a white Denali?'
The answer? Because you can! Because it's what Dina Lohan would have wanted. And because a dangerously inebriated Intern Wendy will chase you around in her 1987 Chrystler LeBaron if you don't. Enjoy!
• "Surfer Girl," Doocy. Learn it. Live it. Know it." Bill O’Reilly, urging Steve Doocy to mellow out, The O’Reilly Factor, July 16
• "A crime so minor that it‘s not even – I mean, you have to remind yourself that it is a crime. So if he double-parked or went into a handicapped zone, would he be apologizing to the American people?" Tucker Carlson, comparing sex with a prostitute to a minor traffic violation, MSNBC Live, July 16
Ever wondered what meal Anderson Cooper fantasizes about, what unsolicited advice an embittered former CBS producer has for Katie Couric, and who's really watching Larry King? Then, come right in! And let Intern Wendy provide you with a refresher course on everything from Katie Couric to bull-fighting to cannibal stew.
• "She's gone from being sort of an exuberant presence to someone who looks like they've been kidnapped and drugged and are making a hostage tape. It has nothing to do with her being a male or female, it's just not comfortable to watch." Mary Mapes, offering Katie Couric a little constructive criticism, Morning Joe, July 17
• "You're—you’re officially a wolf observer now. Or excuse me, you're officially a wolf watcher now. And is that your first wolf?" Doug Smith, getting all the juicy details on Anderson Cooper’s "first time," Anderson Cooper 360, July 12
• "If you see some great videos of some bulls goring people, tell us about it at CNN.com/360," Anderson Cooper, clearly siding against the matadors, Anderson Cooper 360, July 12
The sun is shining, the birds are chirping another week has drawn to a close. And nothing screams "TGIF!" like a roundup of crazy people with their own tv shows. So allow Intern Wendy to guide you through a magical world where Barack Obama channels Tinky-Winky, Nancy Grace harvests internal organs and Tucker Carlson (almost) admits to being a sexual deviant.
• "But now he’s different. He’s 110 pounds. He’s huge. And his trainers no longer frolic with him, because he’ll eat them. All right?” Bill O’Reilly, pissed that Knut the polar bear grew up, The O’Reilly Factor, July 9
• "I want to ask you about your personal circumstance right now regarding your kidneys." Nancy Grace, trolling for body parts, Nancy Grace, July 9
• "I‘m not coming out for marijuana, but I will say that the one thing that actually is true, a stoner never hurt anyone. I mean, they really are kind of — they‘re not like your average drunk." Tucker Carlson, planning Nicole Richie’s defense strategy, Tucker, July 10
On those days where it's too hot to venture outdoors, there's nothing more refreshing than an industrial sized (and extremely un-PC) air conditioning, an ice cream sundae, and—of course—a mid-afternoon edition of Cable Quotables. Welcome back Intern Wendy from her one week reprieve, as she tells us more than we wanted to ever wanted to know about the inner-workings of Willie Geist.
• "I want to learn what Mindy Cohn was like behind the scenes. Willie Geist, revealing his secret Facts of Life fetish, Morning Joe, July 6
• "Can you climb up into Cheney’s head, or is that off limits for Security reasons?" John Ridley, on the real final frontier, Morning Joe, July 6
• "When it was Clinton, it was cigars and Monica Lewinsky. It was good times." Willie Geist, looking forward to seeing Bill (and his bevvy of interns) back in the White House, Morning Joe, July 6
• "Morning Joe continues on Monday, sadly, with Joe." Willie Geist, pissed that he has to go back to working with Tucker Carlson, Morning Joe, July 6
• "Whooooooooooooa! Lesbians with pink pistols! That’s good!" Dan Abrams, wooing us with his latent heterosexuality, MSNBC Live with Dan Abrams, July 9
On this lazy, Friday afternoon, Intern Wendy is sitting back, dreaming about her weekend of leisure, and thanking her lucky stars for the Morning Joe show, without which she'd never have a column. So read on, and find out everything you never wanted to know about Joe Scarborough's living accommodations, his favorite redneck pastimes and Frank Rich's secret makeup tips.
• "We are like the Polish hillbillies." Mika Brzinski, the thinking person’s Ellie Mae Clampett, Morning Joe, June 26
• "This is one of those times that I’m glad that I live in a tent." Joe Scarborough, living the Simple Life, Morning Joe, June 27
• "Tractor pulls, yes, but not wrestling." Joe Scarborough, adhering to only the finest redneck standards, Morning Joe, June 27
• "It’s amazing what light and oxygen can do." Beauty expert Frank Rich, explaining how you, too, can achieve that doughy "indoorsy" look, Morning Joe, June 27
On this muggy, seemingly endless summer day, Intern Wendy reminds us that our pundits still have plenty to pontificate about. From the new Vegas fashion trends to the illicit broadcast journalism fantasies to Paris Hilton's career ambitions, there's plenty to (momentarily) distract you from the fact that your air conditioning's broken, your ice coffee melted hours ago and you've still got nearly three hours to go. Starting…now.
• "The cocktail waitresses at the Venetian wear burkas." John Ridley, explaining why he won't be hitting up The Strip anytime soon, Morning Joe, June 22
• "Who in his or her right mind could turn down a million bucks to sit down with Meredith Viera?" Neil Cavuto, wishing the Today host would make him an indecent proposal, Your World, June 22
• "Oh yes, she‘ll be a regular Slutty Spice." Michael Musto, revealing Paris Hilton’s post-prison career trajectory, Countdown, June 22
• "Doocy hasn’t really been arrested. We just wish that he had." Bill O’Reilly, wishing Steve Doocy was inheriting Paris Hilton’s former jail cell, The O’Reilly Factor, June 25
Today's been one of those crazy days when you're not sure if it's going to rain or not, and not motivated enough to actually care. Fortunately, rain or shine, there's always Cable Quotables! This time, the indefatigable Intern Wendy has discerned another common thread amongst our pundits: "They're all freaking crazy," she explains. Enjoy!
• "Yes, Paris should emulate not so much Sylvester, who was never able to catch Tweety, but more the cat who got a white stripe of paint down its back and was always able to evade the unwanted amorous advances of Pepe le Pew." Paul F. Tompkins, suggesting role models for Paris Hilton, Countdown, June 18
• "What was your first word as a baby? Da-da, Ma-ma?" Ann Bremner, clueless that Nancy Grace’s first word was "Guilty," Nancy Grace, June 19
• "My job here is to warn people. I think there’s a heightened danger from this. I think we’re going to see more and more of this kind of stuff going on. Am I wrong?" Bill O’Reilly, explaining why bears are a bigger threat than Al Quaeda, The O’Reilly Factor, June 20
On this hot and toasty Tuesday afternoon, the theme of the day is…air-conditioning. However, the theme of Cable Quotables is Morning Joe, which has fortunately provided Intern Wendy with enough material for her next three columns. So enjoy this tribute to Joe Scarborough, and enjoy the delightful insights on domestic abuse, trolling for tramps and, well, roadkilll.
• "We troll the bars. Would you like to do it with me, Joe?" Donald Trump, asking Joe Scarborough to be his wingman, Morning Joe, June 15
• "If she turns out to be a tramp, it’ll be a big surprise, but it’ll be a great rating." Donald Trump, asking Mika Brzezinski to star on his new sleazy Fox reality show, Morning Joe, June 15
• "That’s an Imus apology," Mika Brzezinski, shaming Joe Scarborough for his perfunctory "I’m Sorry," Morning Joe, June 18
• "Do you like squirrels?" wonders Mika Brzezinski, making Katie Couric look like a "total hard-ass" by comparison, Morning Joe, June 18
Intern Wendy loves themes, which is why today's she's happy to point out the unifying factor in today's Tuesday edition of Cable Quotables. "Things that go together," Wendy explains. "You know, like doughnuts and spam…Joe Scarborough and Green Day…and Nancy Grace and mental illness." Of course! Enjoy this round of quotables, but remember: crackpot pundits may be enjoyable in small doses, but frequent overexposure has been known to cause brain damage.
• "Hello, my name is Contessa Brewer, and I’m a celebrity news addict." Contessa Brewer, already going through Paris Hilton withdrawal, MSNBC Live, June 8
• "It`s the S.B. syndrome, the spoiled brat." Nancy Grace, offering the clinical diagnosis for Paris Hilton’s impaired mental state, Nancy Grace, June 8
• "Actually, they’re playing my theme song." Joe Scarborough, rocking out to "American Idiot," Morning Joe, June 11
• "It’s not a meal substitute, but yes, donuts and Spam—yummy." Stephanie Elam, casting her vote for SlimFast’s next worst-selling flavor, American Morning, June 11
In today's Joe Scarborough themed edition of Cable Quotables, Intern Wendy reminds us all that no matter how crazy we are, there's always someone crazier. And that person has his own morning talk show. Read on to find out more about Joe's schizophrenic, god-fearing and street tough sides. Then find out what's cuter than a cocker spaniel (Answer: nothing) and curse Willie Geist for ruining your kid's holiday cheer.
• “Wait, hold on. Wait a second. I don‘t have that domain yet. Hold on, Joe Scarborough is God of the universe…” Joe Scarborough, entering the blogosphere with his typical understated humility, Scarborough Country, May 29
• “My dog sometimes comes to me and tells me fantastical lies.” Joe Scarborough, proving Rover really is a (crazy) man's best friend, Morning Joe, May 30
• “I like Joe. He smokes crack a little too much.” Joe Scarborough, disarming us with his sleep-deprived honesty, Morning Joe, May 30
• “I‘m not anti-whale, but I have never seen the appeal of a whale over say a Golden Retriever or a Cocker Spaniel. I never got the whale fever.” Tucker Carlson, evidently not a fan of Sea World, Tucker, May 30
• “Remember that moment you found out there was no Santa Claus? I‘m reliving that right now. It hurts. Is anything real? Does my mom love me?” Willie Geist, wrecking Christmas for children everywhere, Tucker, May 30
Intern Wendy knows what she likes, and what she likes is Nancy Grace. (Or was that "likes to hate?") Regardless, we bring you this extra special Wednesday edition of Cable Quotables, which Wendy sums up as follows: "liberal women with boob jobs ain't no ladies, work as strippers, eat Hogzillas, and get parental guidance from Candy Spelling."
Which is both funny, and true!
• "As I understand it, the boy who shot the Hogzilla there, his father says he's going to make sausage from it and plans to make something like 700 links. I'm a little worried it would be king of tough, though. I mean, an animal that big, I think the meat's a little old." Erica Hill, who likes her meat young and tender, Anderson Cooper 360, May 25
• "Why are women expected to act lady-like? Why do we have to be lady-like to be accepted?" Nancy Grace, defending redneck women everywhere, Nancy Grace, May 25
• "How are you getting Christian mixed in with big-breasted conservative?" Nancy Grace, presenting her "All Women With Boob Jobs Are Liberals" theory, Nancy Grace, May 25
• "Strippers are people, too!" Joe Scarborough, demanding respect for our nation's pole dancers, Morning Joe, May 29
• "I'm just looking forward to hearing what Candy Spelling has to say about it." Susan Moss, on the upside to Lindsay Lohan's being arrested, Nancy Grace, May 29
