Last night on Leno, Anderson Cooper compared going gray to pre-mature ejaculation. What, then, is going bald like? [Queerty]
Remember all that talk about NBC ushering out Jay Leno to make room for the younger, hipper up-and-comer Conan O'Brien? Well, in a blatant attempt to prove he doesn't need the Kevin Eubanks laughtrack, Leno hit the Cali nightclubs with the best fat-joke we've heard since "yo' mama's so fat, her blood type is RAGU."
Writes Popbitch:
Jay Leno likes to try out his TV jokes each week at the Comedy and Magic club, Hermosa Beach, California. Last Sunday he started with his standard family entertainment routine, but then suddenly launched into a rant about how fat Americans have become. He ended up telling a story about a kid who was "so fat it would take Michael Jackson an hour to molest him."
Oh, snap! Don't listen to those over-the-hill execs – when you've got it, you've got it. And who cares if Jay's so old that his social security number is one—and he owes Jesus a quarter?
We had Lindsay Lohan booked on the show tonight but apparently she was already booked…It's too bad about Lindsay. I thought our competition was Nightline and Letterman. Turns out it's "Cops" and "America's Most Wanted."
I guess you all heard the story by now. Early this morning, Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of DUI and possession of cocaine. She told cops she was just researching a role for a movie, in which she will play herself.
Didn't she just leave that rehab center in Malibu called "Promises"? I hope you kept the receipt.
I guess this is like the second time this year she's been arrested. Of course, under L.A. law she could do as much as 72 hours in jail. Let's hope she straightens it out.
–Excerpted from Jay Leno's monologue last night, in a Daily News article cleverly entitled, "Deuce Biga-lohan."
In addition to forcing 1,000 of its least employees to ride the Bauer bus of shame every morning, NBC is also struggling with another potentially sticky situation, namely how to placate the longtime host of The Tonight Show after his semi-voluntary retirement in 2009.
And so far, NBC's ideas about how to retain their hold on the late night mainstay (and prevent him from jumping to a rival network) are about as creative as their primetime Fall schedule, which is to say underwhelming.
Meanwhile, while network execs wrestle with the problem of keeping Leno happy (after "prodding" him to step down before he was entirely ready) they also have to ensure that his replacement, Conan O'Brien makes a smooth transition, meaning they'll need to devise a way for O'Brien to attract a wider audience (Leno's median viewer is 52 years young) while still retaining his firm hold on the "unmotivated twenty-something year old pothead" demographic.
• Turns out Sarah Silverman's new VMA billboard is almost as annoying as Sarah Silverman.
• Chuck Schumer may have contracted lyme disease. Which is ironic, since he helped champion a bill to allot millions to lyme disease research! Unfortunately for Schumer, that bill was later rejected.
• Leno celebrates his 15th anniversary by reminding us all the he and Letterman actually get along great. As long as they're not speaking or in the same room together.
• Nicole Richie copies Paris' hairstyle, oversized sunglasses, and—judging by the horizontal, black-and-white striped shirt—Paris' prison record.
• What would a blaxsploitation version of Jaws look like? This.
• CBS just renewed Dave Price weatherman gig on The Early Show, and now might be lookin to him for replace Bob Barker on The Price Is Right. Hopefully there's room in the budget, since it's rumored Les Moonves had to pay Barker to retire and get him out of his contract, which required the show go dark for a year after his departure. [P6]
• With no Kitson or D&G at rehab, what's Nicole Richie to do but check out for the day and get a Centurion card workout? [Scoop]
• The Mississippi news producer who booked Borat for an on-air segment is regretting not using a news professional's first line of defense: Google. [Fox 411]
• Jay Leno will leave the Oscar hosting duties to the lesbian. [Planet Gossip]
• Will & Grace creators David Kohan and Max Mutchnick are teaming up for a new sitcom loosely based on their lives: two best friends, both writers, one gay, one straight. And their hot young assistants. Oh, the power to produce a show based on the life you wish you had. [THR]
• When young Hollywood and young socialites pair up, they can't get past the doorman. [P6]
California Democratic gubernatorial candidate Phil Angelides will not receive the same treatment on The Tonight Show as Jay Leno pal Arnold Schwarzenegger. And by that, we mean "any treatment." Angelides is arguing that NBC owes him some airtime – under public broadcast rules requiring networks to offer equal airtime to political candidates – after the sitting governor got to pal around with Leno for exactly 15 minutes and 41 seconds on Oct. 11. And, given NBC execs' continued insistence that Leno hosts an entertainment program, not a news show (which are exempt from meeting the requirements) Angelides' camp thought their claim might have some weight. But the FCC has abandoned Schwarzenegger's challenger's claim, saying the Tonight Show segment did not qualify as entertainment — and, since it's been letting the likes of Entertainment Tonight pass as news, why on this night should it be different?
In the end, the FCC found it did not need the entire hour and a half of the Tonight Show to be qualified as "news" for conclude the Schwarzenegger interview segment was indeed a news interview. Good thing, too, because otherwise we'd have many an animal trainer demanding equal airtime, too.
FCC Upholds Tonight News Exemption [John Eggerton, B&C]
Rather than let Colin Farrell's PR team spin what happened during Thursday's Tonight Show taping, Dessarae Bradford is holding a presser this morning to explain her side of things. You see, she wasn't looking to accost Farrell on stage — she just wanted to make sure he got served with court papers before he left the country. See? Reasonable excuse to jump on Jay Leno's stage.
Colin was too receptive toward me and he then put his arm around me and started walking me off of the stage whispering certain things to me that I will mention later, trying to avoid being detected by the microphone still attached to him at the time.
The camera that we strolled pass was still taping at the time because the red light was still on and it turned with us as we walked by obviously still recording colin and I interacting.
The whole studio was quite and no one was alarmed, because Colin's reaction was too inviting toward seeing me.
Security never came over to us, and Mr. Leno never moved from his seat nor summons his security because Colin was talking to me comfortably with his whole arm draped around me extreamly close.
COLIN FARRELL NEVER TOUCHED MY ELBOW AND SUMMONED GUARDS.
He chatted with me as I tried to explain my presence at the show, until he realized people took notice of us talking closely. he then whispered softly for security after he and I were still debating about settling this court matter before going to court. I will explain more in full detail monday.
THE PROOF IS IN THE FOOTAGE!
After the jump, Dessarae's full email to the press, and details on her press conference.
Earlier: Colin Farrell Makes Sure He Ain't Anybody's Bitch, Let Alone Dessarae Bradford's
CONTINUED »
Do you remember these lyrics?
dance / dance my song / i fucked alec baldwin in his ass / i fucked alec baldwin in his ass / i fucked / i fucked / i fucked alec baldwin in his ass (ooh!) / shake your asses / on the floor / my ass had a romp with alec baldwin / my ass had a romp with alec baldwin / my ass had a romp with alec baldwin / he's my twisted puppy / colin farrell / is my bitch / colin farrell / is my bitch / ruff ruff ruff / colin farrell is my bitch / sit / beg / roll over / (heavy panting) / bring me my whip / colin farrell / a dark twisted puppy / colin farrell / a dark twisted puppy / fetch / sit
We sure do. Those are the catchy verses of the song titled "Colin Farrell Is My Bitch" – available on MySpace – by Dessarae Bradford, the phone sex operator who once sued Colin Farrell for $5,000 for allegedly sending racy text messages that caused her "mental anguish … panic attacks, aggravation and insomnia." (The suit was later thrown out.) And while Dessarae also has a book by a similar name – the tell-all Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy – recent events have called for a reversal of fortunes: Dessarae is becoming Colin's bitch.
After a sneak attack during Farrell's Tonight Show With Jay Leno taping on Thursday – wherein she managed to get on stage before Colin escorted her offstage and into the hands of security – Colin reacted by securing a restraining order against his No. 1 stalkerfan. Unfortunately for those not in attendance at the Tonight Show, the encounter didn't make the air — which crazies like Bradford usually hope for.
Farrell Files for Restraining Order [TMZ]
Related: All Colin Farrell coverage
Related: All Dessarae Bradford coverage
This "just in" from NBC: Connie Chung will be making an appearance on The Tonight Show tomorrow night. No, she won't be singing … they found some band named Guster for that.
No, he's just going to talk about her Thanks for the Memories performance … which NBC labels as "one of the most downloaded clips on the Internet" (except theirs says "internet").
Somehow we feel like NBC corporate forced Jay Leno's arm into this one. Though, their lack of MSNB ratings could have more to do with their crappy PR department … they can't even manage to correctly spell "Maury." We hate Leno, but feel free to watch and report back on Connie's appearance. Especially if she dances or starts taking off her clothes … oh, wait, that's Letterman. Never mind.
The full (though very short) press release, after the jump.
CONTINUED »
With all they hype over Stephen Colbert making fun of the president, it seems all the other people who make fun of him have been unfairly brushed aside.
Evidently, late night comedians have made 307 jokes at George W. Bush's expense so far this year — over 100 more than were made during the same three month period of 2005 (197). Yes, the Center for Media and Public affairs have tracked the ramblings of Jay Leno, David Letterman, and Conan O'Brien. The conclusion? Everyone is making an effort to shame Dubya to the public.
"Bush's numbers in public approval polls may be sinking consistently, but he's never been more popular with the late-night hosts," said Robert Lichter, the center's president.
Most of the jokes are about Bush's intelligence, rather than his policies, the center said.
Yeah. You know you're popular when cool kids call you a dumb fuck about 100 times a month.
Late-night comics target Bush [AP News]
• Wait, we thought it was always the Condes who were snatching people up from Hearst. Are things that different in the UK? [WWD]
• Things get more serious between Jay Leno and the gay community. [Canada.com]
• Oh, the thrills of plagiarism. It's fast, fun, and so easy to get away with. Plus, everybody's doing it. [Slate]
• Karl Rove shows up to court to testify against Judith Miller. Once a press-hating member of the administration, always a press-hating member of the administration. [NYT]
• Washington Post's big names are taking Washington Post's big pay-offs. [Washingtonian]
• Ok, we're really not that surprised, but WTF? It's skeezy enough to cheat on your wife, but you think Matt LeBlanc could try to keep it in his pants for the sake of their daughter with brain disorders. [People]
• The funniest part of this Jay Leno interview is that Jennifer Aniston's not playing dumb. [Post Chronicle]
• As Tom Cruise describes how his dad beat the shit out of him (we seriously don't blame him) Katie Holmes can't stop smiling. We seriously don't blame her either. [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton finally admits that people can't stand being around her. [Scoop]
• Yesterday, we were sure there would not be a child subjected to a life of cruel insanity. Today, Sky News makes us think the TomKat bump really is real. [Sky]
• Making fun of ugly people will always be funny. Especially when Jay Leno does it. [MSNBC]
• Because nobody can afford fun in the East Village anymore, young people are risking their lives in Bushwick — just so they can smoke inside and see a band. [NYT]
• Vanity Fair is apparently an authority on fashion these days. Fran Lebowitz? Really? [Page Six]
• “I don’t want to be working for money because then you are no different [from] a prostitute." Natalie Portman on why paying rent is for whores. [The Scoop]
• Imagine that — David Bowie and Sting are opening a burlesque club together. Yeah, ok, we were pretty sure they already had one, too. [NYDN]
• Now that she's old, and a mom, nobody wants to see Madonna make obscene gestures. Or dance around in a leotard as tight as her face. [MSNBC]
• Don't expect this from us, but Jay Leno apologizes for offending one of his fans. What, shootings aren't funny anymore or something? [AP]
• Run for your free Starbucks, just don't say NYC never gave you anything. Like, more pointless lines to wait in. [NYO]
• Somebody who spells 'don't' 'do'nt' probably doesn't know shit. Let alone the state of Will Ferrell's existence. Last we heard, he was in Canada, winking at stalkers. [Defamer]
• We really wish Bruce Willis was sleeping with Petra Nemcova. Maybe he wouldn't be so cranky all the time. [Page Six]
• What is a greater Catholic sin, getting pregs before marriage or having a Scientology wedding? [R&M]
• Embroiled former CBS News prez Andrew Heyward would've given up his post a while ago, had it not taken till October 29 (his 55th birthday) for his lucrative pension plan to kick in. [Radar]
• Thanks to a keen eyed Newsweek staffer, the mag's baby boomer issue this week hit newsstands with the real Cher on the cover, not a drag queen. Now if only People's eye check-ups were more frequent. [R&M]
• A Fox News exec used crude language to describe the female body? That's as far fetched as a MSNBC primetime show scoring a 2.0 rating. [NYDN]
• Jay Leno is now leading David Letterman by more than his chinny-chin-chin. The latest ratings results show the NBC comedian's ratings are up 4 percent this year while his CBS counterpart saw viewership slide 5 percent. [Fox News]
• Anderson Cooper said hello to his new timeslot (and Aaron Brown's old viewers) last night, complete with a new set that's getting a better response than Jon Stewart's. [TVNewser]
