Know what sucks about Madonna breaking news of her (hopefully going to be messy!) divorce on a Wednesday? That not only did she usurp the printing schedule for this week's tabloids, but she forced them into running benign items about her that depicted her as a great mom (much to Guy Ritchie's dismay). Except this spread in this week's People, which shows just how much daughter Lourdes is adopting mom's style, looks quite familiar.

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What in the hell compelled comedian / Rescue Me star Dennis Leary to start taking potshots at kids with autism, calling them stupid and lazy? Is he hoping Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey will invite him into a hate-fuck three-way?

Bad career move, dude, who comes out against children with a disease?

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Jenny McCarthy believes common medical vaccinations cause autism in children. And you know what she thinks of your opinions if you disagree? Bullshit! At least that’s what she yelled last night while berating three doctors trying to reason with her on Larry King Live.

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• Barron Hilton gets arrested for DUI. And a proud tradition continues.

• OMG! Amy Smart has nipples.

• Jenny McCarthy isn't pregnant. And the sun isn't about to explode, either.

• Marilyn Manson's new absinthe, "Mansinthe," takes like "Manson jizz." We've never tried Manson jizz, but as a rule absinthe is kind of gross.

• Christina Aguilera had a baby, now with pictures.

• Sure, you hate Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's politics. But what about those adorable dimples?

• Breaking: George Clooney's new girlfriend has a racy past that includes cocktail waitressing and wearing two-piece bathing suits while on vacation.

• Jenny McCarthy is possible engaged, definitely a nose-picker.

• Hayden Panettiere stubbornly refuses to forgo undergarments and exit her limousine crotch-first. Prude!

• Like Today correspondent Ann Curry, Heidi Montag isn't afraid to die for what believes in. Unlike Ann Curry, what Heidi Montag believes in is breast augmentation.

• Kiefer Sutherland joins the Hollywood DUI Club — though his illegal U-turn still doesn't best Nicole Richie's driving up an exit ramp.

• Just be grateful your parents still haven't figured out how to turn on the computer.

After yesterday's stumper about the picture-perfect Hollywood couple, we weren't sure if we even wanted to take a crack at today's blind item. And yet, here it is!

Which pretty actress just chopped off her trademark blond locks because her increasingly erratic Hollywood funnyman-boyfriend didn't like the feel of extensions?

But which blond bimbo could they be singling out? And who's her slightly hair-phobic masked funnyman? Sigh. These unanswerable questions are just making us feel dumb and dumber by the day…

• Anderson Cooper may have not-cheated on that guy he's not-sleeping with with another guy he's not sleeping with. You know, because he's not gay.

• Unfortunately for Demi Moore, there's no statute of limitations on full frontal nudity.

• Hollywood's new Rat Pack is less about drinking and having a good time and more about converting other rich people over to Scientology.

• Jim Carrey's long, shaggy 'do is out of control. Geez, it's like he didn't even bother to check himself out in Jenny McCarthy's tacky-slash-reflective gold dress before he left the house.

• Isn't it amazing what six whole weeks without cocaine can do for your cleavage??

"There will be no wedding…Goldie [Hawn] and Kurt [Russell] have it made, and that's what we can strive for."

McCarthy and Carrey, 45, who've been dating for more than a year, are both parents: He has a 19-year-old daughter, Jane, and she's mom to 5-year-old Evan Joseph.

"I'm completely fine not having any more children," she said Thursday. "I completely love mine, and I love giving him all of my attention."

–Jenny McCarthy discusses being happily un-married, with children. [via People]

Dear Jenny,

Next time you feel like taking a picture next to the Naked Cowboy in Times' Square, ask yourself:

1) Do I really want to be here?

2) Would my Scientologist boyfriend, Jim Carrey approve?

3) If I know that someone's about to snap a photo of me, is it really best idea to pick that exact moment to check out the Naked Cowboy's "package?"

If the answer to any of those questions is "no," then you may wish to reconsider your decision.

Best,
Jossip

• In between hitting touristy "hot-spots" and shopping for hideous Day-Glo hats, Britney's been getting hammered and not tipping at Marquee.

• Oh, and Brit skipped Heatherette so as not to risk a run-in with Paris. And cause she didn't feel like "bringing baby-fat back."

• Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy are just like two crazy teens…except when they're more like two crazy Scientologists.

• Tom Cruise reportedly spent 50K on a bed; Katie Holmes reportedly wonders, 'yes, but when will I get to sleep in it?'

• Mary-Kate Olsen gets drunk, makes out with random guys at Bungalow. Related: Ashley Olsen relieved that MK has claimed the role of "slutty twin."

• Are Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber having a baby? Was it conceived during one of Schrieber's infamous romps on the Staten Island ferry?

• American Idol boots one of its contestants for allegedly smoking the reefer. A drunk Paula Abdul slurs, "wait, so now we're firing people for substance abuse?"

• Lindsay Lohan shows off her dedication towards a new, healthier life by partying late-night with Paris "Jappy Jew-Hater" Hilton.

• Jennifer Aniston shows off her new nose.

• J. Simp shows off her slightly-orange, slightly-worse new hairdo.

• Tara Reid shows off her utter lack of coordination, dignity or grace.

• Jenny McCarthy shows off her best assets, (neither of which includes Jim Carrey).

• Justin Timberlake shows off his sensitive side—but only after copious amounts of marijuana.

• The only thing anyone walked away with from Anderson Cooper's chat with Angelina Jolie? Zahara is jealous of Shiloh. That will probably be the story of this poor girl's life. [People]

• But Britney Spears told Matt Lauer she needs Kevin Federline to hold her at night … maybe he just got lost on his way back to her room. [Scoop]

• Paris Hilton looks positively delighted to be wearing this PETA hoodie. Seriously, folks. She wants to stop wearing shoes made from baby seals. [TMZ]

• Ew. Ew, ew, ew, ew … ew. [Us Weekly]

• So, male movie stars are really fat now, and nobody seems to care. Hey, as long as we still have Adrain Grenier and Jake Gyllenhaal as sex symbols, we'll take Vince Vaughn as the funny fatty. [NYO]

• Thank God we have Oprah to clean up the streets — one child molester at at time. [NYDN]

• Bam Margera is one person who slept with a celeb and didn't get famous or have a better life. Well, at least he saw his name in bold. [Page Six]

• Because Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston's love pad is now pretty much cursed, they are having a little trouble selling it for a gillion dollars. [People]

• Jenny McCarthy helps mankind by sharing her boobs in a humanitarian orgy.
[The Sun]

• How will Katie Holmes survive if Tom Cruise leaves her all alone? She'll just live off her $500 college deposit. [TMZ]

• If Paris Hilton hand-holds with a man other than her fiance Paris Latsis, does it make a headline? Fortunately that question needn't be answered, since everyone saw Hilton hand-in-hand with her music producer Scott Storch at the MTV VMAs.

• She may have remained calmer than usual at the VMAs, but on her flight back to New York, prison-bound Lil Kim nearly got booted off the plane after arguing with flight attendants over a first-class "mix-up." Though she's gotta stir some shit up before her stay in the clink.

• Lindsay Lohan got reigned in by mama Dina, who forced her skinny offspring to stay put until the storm passed before getting on a plane for the VMAs.

• Brad Pitt and George Clooney's Las Vegas hotel gimmick, which has been talked about for years, continues to make the gossip rounds. Now they've picked up Rande Gerber of Whiskey lounge fame — and they might finally start construction in January. That doesn't mean it's January '06, however.

• Teen People is covering new ground: strip clubs. At least that's what Chad Michael Murray chose to chat about, re: his adult outing that wife and co-star Sophia Bush supposedly knew about.

• Jenny McCarthy's divorce from John Asher isn't just affecting her personal life, but also her business decisions. The light-hearted jokes in her tying the knot manual Marriage Laughs, which just got picked up for $1 million, don't sound so funny anymore.

• A judge ordered Courtney Love into rehab after her sobbing confession that she violated terms of her parole by getting high. His honor's mission? Letting Love hit rock bottom. Meanwhile, the Kurt Cobain widow is reportedly pregnant with actor Steve Coogan's child. We're sure that fetus will turn out nicely.

• It's splitsville for sitcom hopeful Jenny McCarthy and her husband of six years, John Asher. No word on how the divorcing duo will be splitting custody of their children or her breasts.

• Take you and your "Marcia Cross is a lesbian" rumors and stick 'em back in your double-wide. The Desperate Housewives vixen accepted a marriage proposal from boyfriend Tom Mahoney. We hear they'll be donning matching tuxedos.

• You'll have to wait a little longer for Natalie Portman's shaved head, as her V For Vendetta flic that features a London Underground bombing has been postposted from November to March 2006 in reaction to the real-life terror attack.

• Talk shower Joe Franklin is ruminating on whether to file a lawsuit against The Aristocrats for funny lady Sarah Silverman's that he raped her.

• Olivia Newton-John continues her search for long-time boyfriend Patrick Kim McDermott, who might follow right behind Natalee Holloway in cable news coverage.

What do you get when you combine one part has-been blonde "actress," one part recycled advertising firm sitcom plot and one part television network desperate for visibility?

Jenny McCarthy's new UPN sitcom The Bad Girl's Guide. We'll check back in with them when Variety reports Jenny's impending cancellation.