• "No fair!" whined a totally jealous Ashley Olsen. "If Mary-Kate gets to suck face with a 63 year-old bald guy, then so do I!" Unfortunately, repeated calls (and "9-1-1" text-messages) to Telly Savalas went unanswered.

• There's an old expression that goes "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." Which still doesn't explain why Sienna Miller invited her new leading man over to her London flat for a romantic homemade dinner of….beef stew.

• Tom Cruise out for a stroll with his identical hair-twin/wife.

• Jesse Metcalfe has dreams of becoming "the next James Blunt." Which is to say, a lanky, shaggy-haired doofus who inexplicably bangs much-hotter chicks. Hey, you know, we can actually kind of see it.

&bulll; This one goes out to the ones who love "Pamela [Anderson] and her deformed funbags."

• Jurors eager to start deliberating over Conrad Black's fate. Insiders predict the jury will have no trouble reaching a unanimous verdict, but concedes that they are said to be vigorously debating the merits of ordering lunch from the local Chinese takeout place versus calling out for a pizza.

• Reporter Jo Beckher had front page stories on the Washington Post and the New York Times on the very same day. Meanwhile, you continue to tell people you're "freelancing" despite having just been turned for a junior copy-editing position at Reader's Digest.

• Why Vanity Fair's last issue (and its twenty-something Darfur covers) were great for celebrities, not so great for Africans.

• Jesse Metcalfe doesn't like it when In Touch calls the post-rehabber a druink.

• In addition to being hopelessly nerdy, having way too much time on their hands, adolescent YouTube addicts are also sore losers.

• Rupert Murdoch plays hardball, announces he'll only pay $5 billion for Dow Jones, and not a cent more.