• At a W magazine party honoring Jessica Simpson's new stylist, Simpson commandeers the balcony and makes sure her security guards are there to protect her from the wayward glances of non-famous people.

• David Beckham is sidelined for the rest of the season; "NOOOOOO!" cries the LA Galaxy, everyone who bought non-refundable tickets.

• Not content with merely exploiting every solitary moment of Owen Wilson's public breakdown, the mainstream media changes direction and focuses its attention on ruining the life of his equally famous brother, Luke.

• Certified MILF Bridget Moynahan takes her baby out for his semi-public debut, presumably, after dressing him in his coveted "Supermodel" onesie.

• Natalie Portman, seen through the eyes of a total pervert.

• Is Jessica Simpson's crappy new movie headed straight for DVD? "It’s just a bomb, mainly because of Jessica’s acting," says Obvious Guy.

• "The only people who go swimming in long sleeve t-shirts are fat kids at summer camp and maybe albinos." And, apparently, Madonna.

• Apparently Kate "Old rag" Moss didn't respond well to Pete Doherty's insult/apology in the Mirror yesterday.

• Elizabeth Berkley in a bikini brings back fond memories of her character in Showgirls, saying "Thanks, I bought it at Ver-sayce."

• Brad Pitt (not to be confused with Pulitzer prize-winning author, Rob Butler) is trying to make Angie go to rehab, but she won't go, go, go.

• Faith Hill tells a grabby Tim McGraw fan to "show some respect," keep her hands to herself and refrain from any activity that involves balls flying at her face. In response, an omnipresent Stacy Dash quipped, "Well, there goes your social life."

• "WHICH actress' weight gain is being blamed on her scoundrel ex-boyfriend who knocked her up? She only started shedding some of the weight when he forced her to terminate her pregnancy." Aw, they called Jessica Simpson an "actress."

• We fully believed that Heidi Klum was modeling the chicest, most outrageous in cutting-edge couture until a small child laid eyes on her and said, "But she has nothing on!"

• Joe Pesci to marry Sly Stallone's ex.

• OMG, Paris Hilton was disinherited by her grandfather, reports a myriad of unreliable websites.

• Kelly Osbourne drops thirty pounds by eating healthy, exercising regularly going heavy on the Photoshop.

From People: "Jessica Simpson Turns Down 'Porn Star' Role." 'We were promised we would win an Oscar with that,' says father-manager-idiot Joe Simpson. "I was like, 'Eh, we'll just buy a [statue of a] little man and keep our clothes on.'"

• Backstreet's back… again.

• We hear intergalactic travel is so much better when you're wasted.

• We always felt bad for the youngest son on Home Improvement. Twelve years later, we still do.

• O.J. Simpson's maybe, sorta confessional is now available…at a home computer near you.

• ALLLLVIN- Was this not the worst idea ever?

• No matter how good an actress she is, Hilary Swank won't be mistaken for a boy in this beach getup.

• Meanwhile, if Jessica Alba doesn't want a reputation as an international hottie, she should probably stop doing photo shoots like this one.

• Teri Hatcher tries, fails to steal Eva Longoria's thunder.

• Nicole Richie has a major case of pillow face.

• Jimmy Fallon subjected to alcohol-free flight, despite his insistence that flying (much like Jimmy Fallon movies) is only tolerable after obscene amounts of booze.

• 50 Cent is determined to make sure his VH1: Behind the Music episode ends differently than MC Hammer's.

• Paris Hilton may or may not be sleeping with Stavros Niarchos, who may or may not be fantasizing that he's back with MK "Ribs" Olsen.

• Jessica Simpson is reportedly dating unfunny funnyman Dane Cook.

• Diddy's baby mama has decided to pack her bags, and find herself a new man who won't strike up a platonic friendship with Sienna Miller.

• Chris Tucker apparently does an excellent Bill Clinton impression, but somehow we don't think we'll be getting them mixed up anytime soon.

"Seriously, Jess! Your dad was right, your boobs are totally perfect. Meanwhile, I'm, like, barely a B-cup."

• Alright, we get it, Jay-Z's completely loaded. Which still doesn't explain why he and Diddy were acting like money-throwing douchebags at some party last month.

• From today's NYDN: "[Lindsay] has cut a lot of negative influences in her life. She and [mom] Dina speak every day." Contradiction much?

• Nicole Richie is reportedly hoping that her malnourished fetus lives long enough to keep her out of jail.

• Jessica Simpson continues to go all "Fatal Attraction" on her ex, John Mayer.

• The Olsen twins are now officially of legal drinking age. Take that, Lohan!

• Transformers hottie Megan Fox is just like Angelina Jolie, minus the brood of adopted kids, severe emotional baggage and expired vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood. [via Us]

• Jessica Simpson has apparently taken to stalking ex-boyfriend John Mayer, prompting Mayer to "shak[e] his head back and forth like, 'God, make her stop.'" A direct inner-monologue, we presume!

• Britney Spears finally remembers to wear underwear. Meanwhile, she also forgets how to exit a car without giving us an eyeful of her post-partum crotch region.

• The Tyra Banks Show is coming to New York! Hope she remembers to bring all her loyal viewers with her! Oh, wait.

• Seth Rogen and his hilarious pot-smoking boy posse have nothing but tea and sympathy for Paris Hilton. Oh, and also this.

• From CNN: "1800's weapon found embedded in whale blubber." Hehe. Fatty.

• Jessica Simpson and John Mayer are splitsville again. Which explains Jess' recent, post-breakup loungewear fiasco.

• Hostel director Eli Roth frightens us with his giant, prosthetic penis.

• Jenna Elfman is surprisingly cool! Except for that whole 'Crazy "Scientologist' thing.

• "Reclusive novelist [Cormac McCarthy] appears on Oprah." Related: J.D. Salinger promptly questions McCarthy's so-called reclusivity; subsequently declares him to be a "phony" instead.

• David Blaine versus Criss Angel: who has the bigger magic wand?

• No one knows their real estate like oversized-sunglasses wearing Mary-Kate Olsen. Also, apparently, the New Yorker has gone tabloid.

How embarrassing! Jessica Simpson was spotted "sporting unkept hair, sneakers and two different sweatsuits" on May 30th alone, not to mention "shlubby lay-about gear" after her breakup with Nick Lachey, circa Thanksgiving 2005!

Worst still, Simpson recently had the audacity to run a five minute errand, without first stopping to have her hair professionally blown-out, or even bothering to prep with a 5-hour makeup session.

We'd like to thank Us Weekly for alerting us to this fashion trainwreck, and express our concerns to Jessica in this time of need. We hope that someday she'll learns to cope with her emotional hardships and failed relationships in a more mature and dignified manner, that in no way involves any incarnation of the phrase "shapeless loungewear."

Meanwhile, someone get this girl some Prozac.

• "Yesterday, Rosie [O'Donnell]'s chief writer, Janette Barber, was allegedly escorted from the building after she was caught drawing moustaches on photographs of [Elisabeth] Hasselbeck that hang in the "View" studios."

• Jessica Simpson totally 'freaks out' Leonardo DiCaprio by stalking him at Hotel Du Cap on Saturday night.

• Meanwhile, in other celebrity stakeout news, "Mrs. Kevin Federline is said to have followed Reese Witherspoon's estranged husband to the men's room. Her worried bodyguards are said to have later 'busted in the door and found Britney and Ryan groping and kissing.'"

• NFL is sick and tired of having its players portrayed as a bunch of thugs. After all, it's not as though they're just running around running dogfighting rings, shooting people or punching women in the face. Oh, wait.

• A non-working Will Ferrell turns his satire lens on Sanjaya; hilarity ensues.

• American Idol judge Paula Abdul slips, falls flat on her face and breaks her schnozz. Before you laugh, remeber: this could happen to you. Or at least to those of you who imbibe.

• Bill Maher to homosexuals: "Forget civil rights, just make gayness a religion. I mean, you're kneeling anyway."

• Al Gore is, was and always will be sexy. (And boring).

• Fugs & Jugs are back on again! Apparently she missed his shaggy hair and maudlin guitar music while he couldn't stay away from her giant flotation devices.

• CNN: "New pill aims to stop women's periods." Which would kind of put a damper on that whole sexual reproduction thing.

• Pam Anderson is a first class flier. If by "first class" you mean Stripperella.

• Finally, an explanation for why Val Kilmer gives everyone the heebie-jeebies.

• Mischa Barton leaves little to the imagination; proves she truly was too classy for the likes of The O.C.

• We want the number of Britney Spears' fake hairstylist. And no, it's not because we want to schedule an appointment.

• Adam Sandler, in Big Daddy the sequel. Thankfully, in this version the kid is toilet-trained.

• Perez is claiming John Mayer and Jessica Simpson have called their inexplicable relationship quits.

Apparently, Jessica Simpson dropped in during Tuesday night's Time 100 party. Who knew??

The NYDN, for one!

Mayer's girlfriend, Jessica Simpson, avoided attention by sneaking in late (and choosing a gown with a much higher neckline than that number she wore to Monday's Met gala.)

And also, apparently, the NYP.

CONTINUED »

• Star Jones dry-humping her gay husband wins the "Most Disturbing Image Of The Day" award.

• Eva Longoria and Jessica Simpson pretend to be lesbian lovers. Which would've been hotter if Jess hadn't accidentally dressed up as a tranny. Again.

• Despite wearing designer duds to the Costume Institute Gala, Lindsay Lohan nevertheless finds a way to show side-boob. The bad kind.

• Meanwhile, ScarJo borrows Britney Spears' stylist, pairs slutty mini-frock with fishnets.

• And the evening's surprise success story? Marc Jacobs. Who would have thought alcoholism, rehab and contact lenses could have such an impact?

• Marilyn Manson's new video "may be inappropriate for viewers under the age of 16." Fortunately for Manson, girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood is a ripe ol' 17!

• If milk does a body good, Jessica Simpson must be guzzling heifer juice by the gallon!

• Britney Spears continues to ransack her closet for cheap, bedraggled hooker ensembles.

• And while Brit's remembered to wear her undies (for once!) sadly, she's forgotten to take of the ridiculous cowboy hat that may or may not be glued to her wig.

• Plus, could Jennifer Aniston really be a cyborg? Sources close to Aniston say "That's the dumbest thing ever. Seriously. Ever."

• Meanwhile, if you want Angelina Jolie to star in your movie, better be prepared to offer a ridiculous salary, plus free helicopter lessons and a jumbo mansion for Brad.

• Posh, David Beckham are no longer homeless.

• When in Rome, Jessica Simpson has ridiculously loud, hallway-shaking sex. Just like the Romans do!

• Ever seen Kermit the Frog shooting heroin? The correct answer is, of course, "not yet."

• In actual, not-hypothetical news, The Juice takes Ron Goldman's family to court to prevent them from auctioning off the publishing rights to If I Did It. Seriously.

• Fergie admits to having lesbian experiences; refuses to weigh in on Alanis' much more awesome version of "My Humps."

• It's spoiler-time on The HIlls! Does the dumb one move in with her controlling jackass of a boyfriend or what?

• Imprisoned blogger/journalist/martyr Josh Wolf to be released from federal prison after 7.5 months in the slammer.

• Lindsay Lohan pulls an accidental Lizzie Grubman, backs her gigantic car over an opportunistic shutterbug who you just know has "1-800-I-N-N-O-C-E-N-T" on his speed dial.

• Jennifer Aniston contemplates a return to NYC. Now, who wants to gently break the news that "Central Perk" doesn't actually exist?

• Second-tier fashion designer Anand Jon has been arrested/charged with rape. Marc Jacobs would care, but he's too busy rehabbing with much more famous and important people.

• Sarah Jessica Parker's new fashion line will be cheaper than H&M! Guess it wasn't Olsen-inspired after all…

• Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson continue to sleep together without ever actually dating.

• Meanwhile, Jessica Simpson loves dogs so much she wants to adopt a child. Wait, what?

• Producers of I Think I Love My Wife wisely encourage Chris Rock not to dump his spouse until after the film's release.

• Kimora Lee Simmons and Djimon Hounsou made out all night at Boulevard 3; other restaurant goers suddenly lose their appetites.

• Is John Mayer dating Jessica Simpson because she's just a dumb blond?

• Paris Hilton faces the possibility of 90-days in jail for driving with a suspended license. Naturally, she won't actually get any jail time because she's very, very rich.

• Pete Doherty is living in sin with Kate Moss and smoking doobies with penguins.

• Someone stole Cate Blanchett's $100,000 handbag before the Oscars, which would have been far more interesting had she actually won.