• Prince is getting hip surgery. Everyone is so old these days.

• Jerry Seinfeld is too funny for libel.

• Citizen voyeurs are taking all the money from professional ones.

• Jill Scott is going to make bras based on her experience dealing with gigantic breasts.

• The winner of Mollygood's Someone Haiku:

Pride in being a
Family, not just for cats-
For pinnapeds (sic) too.

• Duke Lacrosse players get their litigious revenge. Maybe Duke can hold a wrongly accused charity ball.

• The gays behind, or in front, depending on their mood, of Obama talk to Queerty.

• Bubble watch: We wrote about the John McCain story four times today. Currently, the most emailed New York Times story is "More Americans Are Giving Up Golf." Really makes you think.

• Bonnie Fuller realizes her kids aren't like famous people's kids. Looks like stars aren't just like us. That one also really makes you think.

• The adoption of Pax is finalized. After all that thinking, now you can finally rest easy.

• A letter to the editor of the New Yorker is a little self-serious, even for the New Yorker. Turns out that nice image above is scientifically impossible. Also, that cat would totally get trampled.

• Lesbian hands look like straight women's hands, only a little more wrinkly.

• Even with all the real-life spoilers, the extended season of The Hills looks really good.

• Shocker: The Gene Simmons sex tape is gross. That said, his lady friend is quite flexible.

• No American should idolize Paula Abdul after her new video. See what we did?

• Pink keeps up the pretense that divorce isn't heart-wrenching. You know, she's doing it for the kids. What a role model.

• Kirstie Alley is going to launch her own weight-loss brand. Insert joke about fat women here.

• The new Dancing With The Stars "stars" leave some wattage to be desired.

• The Baltimore Sun will launch a youth aimed tabloid. Because that's just that city needs: More trash.

• "Who stuffs Armani better?," a Queerty poll.

• The audacity of hope sneezes: Barack Obama has a cold.

• Martha Stewart takes over Emeril Lagasse. The people in PR will have to figure out how to incorporate "Bam!" with "a good thing" without getting vulgar.

• Matthew McConaughey doesn't wear deodorant, but can sell cologne for D&G.

• "Hillary Clinton Thinks Shakespeare was Francis Bacon," and other reasons to vote for Obama.

• Tyra Banks hugs fierce. Like you're surprised.

• This worst weekend in New York proves that the Times are snobs, but you love them for it.

• What passes for gossip in other countries: Real Madrid soccer star might be gay.

• Lindsay Lohan, real or fake debate continues in earnest.

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• If you're going to be romantic tonight, you could do worse than incorporating the video above.

• After all these years, Snoop Dogg would never get arrested for gun possession, and by gun possession, we mean possession of having arm muscles.

• New York City condom ads feature a Toronto landmark. At this point it might just be easier to move to Canada.

• Even gay old-diggers have trouble finding love.

• Mary-Louise Parker is engaged! And where is Billy Crudup now? Nowhere.

• This haiku perfectly encapsulates Gary Coleman's new marriage:

The Wasatch Valley
Yields more weddings than Vegas
True love? Not likely.

• This is an actual headline: "Missing Protein May Explain 'Rain Man.'" Forget about offended autism advocates, Rain Man is the most overrated regularly featured TBS movie ever.

• Because February (black history month) is the only appropriate time to address race issues, President Bush finally speaks out against nooses. Way to go out on a limb there.

• Just who do women dress for? As a serial fashion disaster, the answer for us is no one.

• Dakota Fanning is either a diva or an insecure young teenager who didn't want a bad haircut. Actually, she's probably a little of both.

• Just in time for Valentine's Day, your diet is now an excuse for your lack of emotionally fulfilling relationships.

• From Queerty: "Is it true that all gays are totally outrageous and fun? Because my roommate is gay, but he is moody and won’t help me pick out socks." Our gay friends won't help us pick out socks, either.

• Between funny or die, we picked funny.

• Fergie doesn't follow trends, she makes them. The girl isn't pregnant.

• Reading the liveblog of Fool's Gold is no less inane than watching Fool's Gold, in fact, it's actually smarter.

• If you work out a gym in New York, don't read this article.

• Nas can't really explain the title of his album or what he wore to the Grammys.

• Playgirl is the gayest.

• So the Grammys were last night and televised awards shows are Important, with a capital I. Here's the list of winners.

• Ryan Philippe talks about his divorce (promotes his new movie).

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• Madonna is still pretending to be British. How come when people fake an English accent, they become posh-English instead of cockney-English? Class discrimination knows no borders.

• Oh, by the by, Brad Renfro died of a heroin overdose. But did you hear that Heath Ledger died? A real tragedy, huh?

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• Puff Daddy is literally begging for you to participate in democracy. If that and Facebook status updates don't do it for you, the terrorists will win if you don't vote.

• If your idea of a good time is to get stoned and watch the 10 funniest anti-drug commercials in advertising history, you might have a problem. Also, you're in luck because Best Week Ever did all the work for you.

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• This Super Bowl ad wasn't exactly racist, but it certainly wasn't funny.

• Meanwhile, this Super Bowl ad was definitely racist and didn't even try to be funny.

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• When Queerty posted the above video of kids playing parkour soccer, we didn't really get why. Then we watched it and realized it's awesome.

• Germany unveils another polar bear to be destroyed by human interest in the cute.

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• A secret from Jossip HQ: we're obsessed with doing calisthenics between posts. But with this chair, we could calisthenics while writing posts. We'd double our output. Please David!

• From Deadspin: "Being a Patriots fan this season has been like waking up and suddenly discovering your dick is six inches bigger." This is why girls don't follow sports. Also, a sentence like that implies that your dick is only two inches to begin with.

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• Chris Rock is probably the only man in America who can get away with crying about his family's history on national TV.

• Kanye West played the Museum of Natural History. Don't we feel like assholes for watching Jericho instead of going out.

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• Us Weekly recounts Heidi and Spencer's cheesiest moments. When even Us Weekly isn't buying your bullshit, you know you're in trouble.

• Rorschach test: Which part of this recent picture of Jude Law is least attractive: The tattoo, the hairline or the armpit hair?

• The private letters of Punch and Pinch Sulzbergers won't be available until 2035 and 2057. Better change your weekend plans.

• Bush administration lied 935 times about Iraq before the invasion. Way to stay under 1K, guys.

• Lil Wayne brings the party: The rapper's tour bus contained 105 grams of marijuana, 29 grams of cocaine and an unspecified amount of the drug ecstasy. He's already crying over it.

• Starbucks is experimenting with reasonable prices for coffee.

• Mitt Romney isn't a tool. Would a tool reference the hottest dance song of 2000?

• Heath Ledger's palm reader talks to Life & Style: "He also had a dark, artistic line running from his head line to his heart line." We could have made up something better than that.

CONTINUED »

• Breaking: Iraq is dangerous.

• Hey, you know what would be really awesome? If politicians stopped invoking Martin Luther King.

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• A Democratic National Committee spokesman asked Queerty if the picture above was "humor or accuracy?" Both! Here's your gay cheat sheet to the DNC.

• Craigslist gives back to the industry he helped destroy.

• Unlike your office manager, we never got into LOLCats. LOlsens is more our style.

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• There's a video going around that's completely gross, totally NSFW and offensive to animal rights activists. One aficionado called it "the most horrible thing I've ever seen." That said, it has the potential to be the next 2 Girls 1 Cup, so here it is.

• Eddie Murphy had a lot more faith in the power of love as Prince Akheem than he does in real life.

• Jessica Alba cares for the environment, but that doesn't mean we have to care for her.

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