Howard Stern married long-time girlfriend Beth Ostrosky this weekend, leading to the biggest washed-up celebrity clusterfuck of the century. Let's see, the guest list included John Stamos, Jimmy Kimmel, Joan Rivers, Billy Joel, Donald Trump, Chevy Chase, Artie Lang, and Barbara Walters. Not to mention the ceremony was presided over by Kelly Ripa's wife husband, former soap star Mark Consuelos.

Do you think that some of these B+ listers phoned the paparazzi to let them know they'd be showing up to Stern's NY bash at Le Cirque, or did the photogs receive a formal invitation from the happy couple?

Just when I think Ice-T can’t get any more offensive, he goes and compares his wife to a sports car. On a family game show. In front of his mother-in-law. Host Al Roker seemed surprisingly unfazed by the show of misogyny, though. The “Ice-T Family” competed against Joan Rivers and Co. on Celebrity Family Feud last night. The families play for charities — Ice-T’s was a gang prevention program and Joan Rivers’ was a charity that gives guide dogs to the blind. You don’t have to watch until the end of the episode to know that a few blind people woke up in really good moods this morning.

The first topic was “something that’s slippery and hard to hold onto.” You know where this is going.

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• Sex and the City spoiler alert: Charlotte gets knocked up, Big is emotionally distant, but nobody cares because the SHOW ENDED OVER THREE YEARS AGO.

• Can we tawk for a minute about that meshugana Joan Rivers and her horse-faced daughter, Melissa?

• Stupidity pays: Miss Teen South Carolina stands to make $25,000 as a model for Donald Trump

• Oddly enough, not every bearded Asian man is Judge Lance Ito

• 62-year-old prostitute apprehended by police, mercilessly mocked for her $15/hour going rate.

• Bombing live performances is so now!

After "wooing" Joan and Melissa Rivers away from E!, the TV Guide Channel has up and replaced the red carpet mavens with Lisa Rinna, who you probably know from some daytime soap or, more likely, Dancing With the Stars. (Us? We know her from her SoapNet talk show. Eww, right?)

Rinna's first battle with celebrity publicists will be September's Primetime Emmy Awards, where her lips will face off against E!'s Ryan Seacrest.

• Natalie Portman schools Columbia. That too good for NYU snob.

• We wish Joan Rivers well in her search for a deaf and blind guy with a boatload of cash.

• Celeb Fall Out Boy of the week, Pete Wentz graces us all with the presence of his penis and then his (much more interesting) journal.

• Us Weekly launches a blog, and then for some reason doesn't blog their stories.

• And, of course, Teri Hatcher sobs the story that makes the whole Vanity Fair staff work late.

Is it possible for someone as annoying as Joan Rivers to find love? With the help of Doctor Phil and Match.com, she might have a chance to find that smart, funny, elegant guy she's been waiting for.

Choice Joan profile quotes include:

• If I had to choose between Brad Pitt stripped to the waist or an old George Clooney in a dinner jacket, George would win hands down.

• I’ve been told that I am very good looking for my age and am very funny.

• Favorite Things: Non-fat Cool Whip, M&Ms, dark meat turkey taken out of my dogs bowls …"

• I travel in snappy circles.

Come on — we dare ya' to send Joan a wink. We're sending one to Defamer right now for brightening up our dark, gossipless day.

Joan Rivers Not Above Internet Hook-Ups [Defamer]
Joan Needs Love Too [MySpace]

So that bottle of Lindsay Lohan ketchup didn't whet your appetite? Lil' Kim's watch didn't rock your socks off? Then perhaps Denise Rich's Emanuel Ungaro Paris dress with matching wrap will give you the "serious va va voom" that Vogue.com thinks it will.

Throw in some Joan Rivers gift packages that you don't need to flip on QVC to get your hands on and you'll practically need your own personal body guard for a night out at Marquee.

It's all a part of our indiscretion with Bid 2 Beat AIDS, the charity auction funding LIFEBeat's HIV-AIDS support efforts. And even if you're not in the buying mood, at least visit the auction listing to find out what dress size Denise Rich is. And no, it's not a 6.

DENISE RICH UNGARO GOWN & WRAP [eBay]
Joan Rivers Ultimate Gift Packages [eBay]
Full Bid 2 Beat AIDS Auction Listing [eBay]
Bid 2 Beat AIDS
Related: All Bid 2 Beat AIDS coverage

• Michael Jackson has a creative way to fill in the missing A-listers from his charity single: record songs with people who have no choice, like kids Prince Michael, Paris, and "Blanket." [NYP]

• Joan Rivers doesn't read blogs — or wear clogs. [Queerty]

• At least one pink blogger is "making it," proving Us Weekly isn't the only one who can earn a buck showing stars are just like us. [NYT]

• Kate Hudson doesn't like it when you call her too fat, or too skinny. She'd rather you not talk about her weight or eating habits at all, unless you get off on getting sued. [Reuters]

• She supposedly spent the weekend getting married to Arun Nayar, but Liz Hurley also watched Estee Lauder dump her 10-year fragrance face contract in favor of Gwyneth Paltrow. [Evening Standard]

• What's better than ex-NYT exec editor Howell Raines' ex writing a tell all? Having her title it Touched By Ink-Stained Hands. [Page Six]

• The sample sale of all sample sales, 7th on Sale, is coming to the masses after nearly a decade hiatus. Even the common folk will be able to get their hands on cheap couture thanks to open auctions on eBay. [News & Observer]

• The only rag that didn't credit ELLEgirl when they practically stole shots of Nicole Richie at the mag's photo shoot? Star, natch. [WWD]

• According to American Express, the L train is the best place to find love on New York's subways. What a credit card company is doing releasing a survey on such a topic instead of telling us we're past due is, and will remain, a mystery. [New York Post]

• Even though last week's subway terror alert has been deemed a hoax by most, that didn't keep the city's rich and powerful from receiving the news before Mayor Michael Bloomberg released the information to the general public. [New York Daily News]

• With the Wall Street Journal just announcing it'd begin printing a less wide newspaper by 2007, the New York Times is playing follow the leader and considering dwarfing its own sheet to a tabloid size — but hanging on to that upscale horizontal fold. [New York Post]

• Talent handler ICM may have been sold. For real this time. [Page Six]

• We may be late to PR Week's "10 media trends to watch," but not as late as they are to naming blogs as, ahem, a media trend to watch. [PR Week]

• Joan Rivers once bought us drinks a couple years ago, so we can't harp on her too much, but there's plenty of evidence pointing to her taking over the reigns from Michael Jackson as the supreme plastic surgery fanatic. [CityRag]