Look Joaquin, I thought it was funny when you got so touchy with that Extra reporter when he asked you about quitting acting. Because ha ha who takes themselves that seriously that they actually say they are going to "concentrate on their music" and get all offended when someone laughs in their face?
And then when a commenter suggested that we replace the word "drugs" for "music," we'd have a clue, I practically LOL'ed. Because dude, the whole Vincent Gallo tweaked pederast look is not doing you any favors.
But now there's rumors that you might actually be slipping back into using again, and that is just super not a good idea. Because drug addiction runs in families and look at what happened to River.
Where is BFF Casey Affleck when you need him??
Okay, so when that whole thing about Joaquin Phoenix telling Extra that he was quitting acting came out, and everyone (well, me) admitted they used to carry a big torch for the human harelip, we had no idea that there was footage of this exchange. And that Joaquin Phoenix comes off as a giant dick who takes himself way too seriously. But hells bells Phoenix, stop getting all Vincent Gallo on everyone's asses or we're going to have to start feeling sorry for Casey Affleck again (the first time was when we realized he was Ben Affleck's little brother).
Okay, I used to be obsessed with Joaquin Phoenix. This was pre-Johnny Cash, pre-Signs, and pre-Ladder 49. This was around the time when he starred in Quills and played the emperor in Gladiator. There was something so hotly fey about him, and he seemed so tortured. There was even this one interview for Details where he likened himself to a shaved hamster. Plus, knowing how he grew up, and what happened to his brother, and all that weird Children of God cult stuff his family was into, Joaquin seemed like the perfect troubled young man with a harelip to star in my adolescent fantasies.
And this story about how Joaquin announced he was quitting acting sort of makes me love him even more, even though it makes no sense:
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• On seeing this picture of his ex-fiancée and current GF Heidi Montag posed on all fours, Spencer Pratt thought to himself, "now this looks familiar."
• Trying to seem smart by taking a stand on the writers strike, Joaquin Phoenix ends up looking like a misguided first grader, and misspells his name.
• For our money, Brian Austin Green peaked during the later college years of 90210. Everything that came before and after was for not. CONTINUED »
• Star Jones didn't really pocket $30,000 in cash from a non-profit. She just made a donation to her favorite organization: Star Jones' bank account. [via WXYZ]
• Britney spends approximately $16,000 a month on clothes. Who knew it cost so much to look so cheap?
• Congratulations, Matthew Perry! That trademark thin-lipped snarl of yours is finally catching on.
• Oh, no! Jennifer Connelly has a run in her dress. Fortunately, it's still hotter than the Jennifer Convertible she wore last week.
• Despite having retired years ago without ever having won a major, Anna Kournikova is still the face (and more importantly, the body) of women's tennis.
• Mariah Carey's career called. It wants some semblance of life back.
• Everyone's in such an uproar over Da Silvano's rodent problem these days it's as though they've lost track of what really matters: the food sucks, and it's horribly overpriced.
• Since when did Ryan Gosling start dressing like someone we used to beat up in high school?
• If you think Vanessa Hudgen's naked photo was hot, just wait 'till you see her holiday wish-list.
• In keeping with the tradition that only "ugly" people win Oscars, we've got a prediction for this year's Academy Awards: Joaquin Phoenix, all the way.
• Karl Lagerfeld vomits a little in his mouth after seeing Courtney Love wearing a knock-off of his designs.
• Diddy proves his game is on par with his lackluster rap skills by awkwardly surrounding an engaged chick, then decking her fiance.
• Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Anniston dish about deviated septums; Aniston still wins, by a nose.
• Mark Wahlberg and Joaquin passed on Brokeback Mountain, opting to choose homophobia over career-defining roles
• Kirsten Dunst to take a break from acting. Dunst plans to utilize the hiatus by cultivating outside interests, such as painting, binge-drinking and "slutting around."
• Scientology and Kabbalah in danger of being replaced by newer, trendier bullshit religion.
• Madonna won't allow her daughter to wear tight jeans, still "up in the air" about conical bras.
• In a strange reverse Jessica Simpson/Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, dumps her hair dresser, but manages to hang on to her husband. [Page Six]
• The Arctic Monkeys may be at Stage Four of Internet popularity, but that doesn't mean that anyone outside of New York has ever heard of them. [Stereogum]
• How to tell you've officially become less cool and more douchey: when you're playing your SXSW show at the Austin Urban Outfitters. [Brooklyn Vegan]
• Meet Tony DiSanto, the man behind TRL and Laguna Beach, or, as we like to call them, "why we never actually leave our apartments". [NYT]
• The Johnny Cash musical is not quite as good as the Johnny Cash biopic. Why don't they just throw some money at Joaquin Phoenix, he's seems pretty eager to get back into the role. [Reuters]
• Oh, snap, Nick Lachey is not shacking up with CaCee Cobb. What's that reality show going to be called, Newlysluts? [L&S]
• Tom Ford differentiates between a bed full of girls and lesbians. Oh, and Scarlett Johansson is the chubby lesbian. [Calendar Live]
• Britney Spears finally realizes that trying to kill your baby is bad y'all. [People]
• Wait, not to ruin your gig dude, but do models realize that there are people who will take their clothes off for free? [Slate]
• A lot of celebrities, like Joaquin Phoenix for example, cry to the only celeb who's been in more crises than anyone. Who you gonna' call? Lindsay Lohan, duh. [Star]
• What does anyone expect from these kids? Their mother is Whitney Houston for cryin' out loud. [Lowdown]
Since this time the Us Weekly's exclusive remained theirs for an entire minute, we think it's safe to report.
Golden Globe goodie and notorious drinker Joaquin Phoenix was involved in a (non-drinking-related) car accident yesterday. Stop freaking, he's fine.
Unlike Lindsay Lohan, this is (as far as we know) not a paparazzi inspired crash, but a boring old vehicular malfunction.
"His brakes went out and the car flipped over," the actor's publicist, Susan Patricola, tells Us. "But he's doing fine. He may be very sore in the morning, but right now he is doing okay."
Phew. Because with Jake Gyllenhaal skipping all these awards shows, we're gonna need something to look come Screen Actors Guilds and Oscars.
In other US Weekly news, Britney Spears finally admits that she needs some help with her … well, whatever she has goin' on there. And Jessica Simpson wears a really ugly hat.
• Walk the Line was the big winner last night in the Golden Globes "Musical or Comedy" category. Despite being the most depressing movie ever. We wonder: does it really count as acting when Joaquin Phoenix actually believes he's Johnny Cash? [Billboard]
• Michael Jackson is equally abusive to little boys and his pets. Unfortunately, the kids don't have PETA on their side. [The Scoop]
• Ani DiFranco revives a Gothic church in attempt to revive her career. [AP]
• Citizens of San Paolo, Brazil have no problem spending their lives savings on U2 tickets, but they really don't want to wait in line. [MSNBC]
• Are Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown really splitting up? How ever will they decide who gets custody of the blow? (Can we get a "heeell no?) [Lowdown]
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie enjoyed their first "official public appearance as a couple. And by "public" we mean avoiding the red carpet and slipping inside through a back door. [Star]
• Us Weekly is claiming firsties on Christina Aguilera's marriage to music exec Jordan Bratman. The weekend wedding in Napa was absolutely start studded — Sharon Stone was there, and so was Aguilera's manager Irving Azoff! Paparazzi frenzy, narrowly avoided. [Us Weekly]
• So desperate to get on The Ellen Degeneres Show, ex-Cosmopolitan editor Helen Gurley Brown hired a choreagrapher and cameraman to tape her dancing to Andrew Lloyd Webber, which will make a great reel at the next Cosmo lunch. [Gatecrasher]
• If Nelly is going to drop $10,000 at a strip club, he can certainly afford to drop $10,000 on charity. Hooray for guilty consciouses. [Page Six]
• Jay-Z is putting the finishing touches on his Tribeca penthouse, which he had to fight to buy last year thanks to wary tenants. But it was worth the fight: He'll be able to escape his Time Warner Center pad, which counts girlfriend Beyonce's mom Tina as a neighbor. [R&M]
• The NYPD might not know who Peter Braunstein is, but they do know he's been caught. You know, except he's hasn't. [Gatecrasher]
• Kelly Osbourne is furious at Stavros Niarchos for ruining her 21st birthday bash in Vegas by pulling the sprinkler lever. Oh the irony of Kelly calling Stavros a stupid rich kid with too much money. [Page Six]
• Some say CBGB's is moving to the Hard Rock Hotel in Times Square, but owner Hilly Kristal wouldn't know about it. Either way, we walked past it one night this weekend — and the crowd that spilled out onto the sidewalk didn't exactly indicate an eviction notice. [Lowdown]
• Nick Lachey + porn star = Tabloid heaven. [Page Six]
• Surprise: Whacked out Joaquin Phoenix skipped another Walk The Line event. [Page Six]
• Snoop Dogg is planning to attend a rally at a prison to protest the execution of former gang leader, Stanley Tookie Williams. Snoop also requested a visit with Williams but got denied entrance into the facility, thus securing his place as the first black man trying to get in to prison. [NME]
• Irv and Christopherr Gotti's Murder Inc. money laundering trial started yesterday in Brooklyn — and Ja Rule and Ashanti were on hand to show their support of the Gottti's. And, of course, to get their names in the news for the first time in years. [VH1]
• The Kaiser Chiefs have cancelled upcoming shows after contracting a "highly contagious and rare virus." The band hasn't released any details about their mystery disease, but if its this bird flu everyone's talking about, they should probably keep out of the States for a while. [Aversion]
• Walk the Line director James Mangold just remembered that Johnny Cash was "thrilled" to be played by Joaquin Phoenix. It seems likely that in his final weeks, soon after losing the love of his life, these are the sorts of things that were on Cash's mind. [MTV]
• Stateside success is no longer "in Robbie Williams' schedule." Yes, and enjoying your music certainly isn't in ours. [Billboard]
• Aaron Carter is shopping around for a new record label, after "getting screwed" by the one he has been with since he was 7. Ugh, is this even music news? [Lowdown]
• What do you get when you put Star Jones, Al Reynolds, and OK! magazine together? A tacky trio, desperate for an exclusive on their "anniversary", and a venue pathetic enough to hold the event for free. So far, no takers. [Lowdown]
• Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos have called off their romance, at least for the next few hours. After turning in to Kelly Osbourne's 21st birthday bash at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas into $100,000 in fire and water damages (not to mention Paris' runaway monkey), the duo are taking some cool off time. [Star]
• You would've expected Barbara Bush to be BFFs with Tara Reid, but it's Chelsea Clinton that's filling that role. The duo hooked up while Tara was filming the since-axed Taradise and have been insuperable ever since. That's not pleasing presidential hopeful mama Hillary, who's demanded her daughter stop socializing with the misfit. [Radar]
• That was was no dream — it was an Arabian nightmare in Bahrain, when an unsuspecting woman went into the ladies room and discovered .. Michael Jackson! Or maybe it was LaToya, too close to call. [NYDN]
• Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey is definitely enjoying his life as a gay man, taking to Out 100's party with a one David August, who was (at least officially) not his date. [R&M]
• Tara Reid can behave? Who knew! Her 30th birthday bash was much calmer than it could've been, and you can blame her mom's omnipresent stare for the lack of nip slips. [The Scoop]
• If only you listened to what Diane Dimond has to say instead of intentionally ignoring her barbs, you might agree that Michael Jackson's molestation woes could've (should've?) ended in a mistrial. [Page Six]
• Joaquin Phoenix: Still crazy. At least this time Campbell Robertson got a feel. [Lowdown]
• After dumping publicity nightmare Lee Ann DeVette, Tom Cruise has hopped over to Paul Bloch — who, no surprise, reps other Scientologists like John Travolta, Kelly Preston and Priscilla and Lisa Marie Presley. [Fox 411]
• CBS Evening News producer Bruce Rheins could soon find himself on the receiving end of Michael Jackson's legal wrath. But, well, he kinda deserves it after trying to market Jesus Juice, a Merlot (and a fine one, we're sure) that features The Gloved One dangling on a cross. [R&M]
• We're not quite sure what to do with the report that Joaquin Phoenix has started acting a fool while fulfilling his press obligations, except, of course, point to his suicidal brother's pre-death probs. [Page Six]
• Kate Moss Watch™: Moving tips, courtesy of the supermodel. While all your earthly belongings are being moved into storage, do what Kate does: Get a therapeutic back massage wearing only undies while the paparazzi from the tabloid that trashed your life happily snap away. [Daily Mirror]
• While Jessica Alba claims she's willing to do a nude scene (but is afraid of upsetting her father), she whines that the only scrips she gets are for biker chicks, sluts and horny women. Tough choices. [Page Six]
· Anna Wintour's pie thrower, it turns out, is not an anti-fur activist but rather an ex-Vogue staffer. Hmm, this story actually makes more sense. But tofu pie? Let's see some red meat next time.
· Joaquin Phoenix (we so had to copy/paste his name to get the spelling correct) "voluntarily" checked himself into alcohol rehab, securing his place in line behind brother River.
· Gisele Bundchen gets her own Barbie: "Nearly as soulless and un-lifelike as the real thing.."
· Graydon Carter is a man of few words. Okay, two, really.
· Rocco DiSpirito forced to wait an hour for a table at Serendipity 3 only to later reveal he's unemployed and, says he, on welfare.
Editorial Director
