Despite David Shuster's pimping comments, Chris Matthews' self-evident Obamamania, and Keith Olbermann's growing disdain for the former First Lady, it's Morning Joe's anchor who deserves the most criticism. So argues the Village Voice's Wayne Barrett, who points to Joe Scarborough's past – as a Republican congressman and operative – as a lifetime Clinton hater. So even though Hillary volunteers to appear on the A.M. show, as she did March 5 after sweeping Ohio, Texas, and Rhode Island, it might not be wise to label the parties as allies

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Tired of playing second fiddle to early morning cohort Joe Scarborough, MSNBC's dayside anchor Mika Brzezinski (perhaps best known for taking a stand against Paris Hilton) became equally impassioned about another breaking news story: Scarborough's burgeoning love handles.

According to BigHeadDC, Brzezinski accused the paunchy pundit (who referred to Briney Spears as a "porkchop") of being "doughy," "bloated," and "in need of more exercise" on today's episode of Morning Joe.

And they say morning shows aren't concerned with any issues of weight. [BigHeadDC]

In exciting (albeit not particularly surprising) news for Intern Wendy and her Cable Quotables column, the Washington Post's Howard Kurtz reports that MSNBC is "finalizing the details for Morning Joe to permanently take over the 6-to-9 morning slot."

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On this lazy, Friday afternoon, Intern Wendy is sitting back, dreaming about her weekend of leisure, and thanking her lucky stars for the Morning Joe show, without which she'd never have a column. So read on, and find out everything you never wanted to know about Joe Scarborough's living accommodations, his favorite redneck pastimes and Frank Rich's secret makeup tips.

• "We are like the Polish hillbillies." Mika Brzinski, the thinking person’s Ellie Mae Clampett, Morning Joe, June 26

• "This is one of those times that I’m glad that I live in a tent." Joe Scarborough, living the Simple Life, Morning Joe, June 27

• "Tractor pulls, yes, but not wrestling." Joe Scarborough, adhering to only the finest redneck standards, Morning Joe, June 27

• "It’s amazing what light and oxygen can do." Beauty expert Frank Rich, explaining how you, too, can achieve that doughy "indoorsy" look, Morning Joe, June 27

• In desperate post-Sopranos haze, HBO greenlights new episodes of Unsolved Mysteries.

• Is YouTube destined to become the new Friendster and fade into "I Love The 00's" obscurity?

• Advertisers already starting to back away from Portfolio on the basis that it's boring and reads like "Business for Dummies."

• Joe Scarborough and his cronies "jokingly" ripped the producers' Paris Hilton script into pieces, pretended to light it on fire, then stuck it in the paper shredder. It's called journalism, people.

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On this hot and toasty Tuesday afternoon, the theme of the day is…air-conditioning. However, the theme of Cable Quotables is Morning Joe, which has fortunately provided Intern Wendy with enough material for her next three columns. So enjoy this tribute to Joe Scarborough, and enjoy the delightful insights on domestic abuse, trolling for tramps and, well, roadkilll.

• "We troll the bars. Would you like to do it with me, Joe?" Donald Trump, asking Joe Scarborough to be his wingman, Morning Joe, June 15

• "If she turns out to be a tramp, it’ll be a big surprise, but it’ll be a great rating." Donald Trump, asking Mika Brzezinski to star on his new sleazy Fox reality show, Morning Joe, June 15

• "That’s an Imus apology," Mika Brzezinski, shaming Joe Scarborough for his perfunctory "I’m Sorry," Morning Joe, June 18

• "Do you like squirrels?" wonders Mika Brzezinski, making Katie Couric look like a "total hard-ass" by comparison, Morning Joe, June 18

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With Keith Olbermann practically owning all sense of MSNBC's primetime attention, perhaps the morning hour is the best fit for Joe Scarborough. He's been filling in at Don Imus' 6-9am slot with the cleverly titled – what else? – Morning Joe. Now entering his fifth straight week, having not been subbed out for a single show, Joe appears the likely successor. But MSNBC still has him on their regular primetime schedule, where those sleepy eyes have forced chief Dan Abrams to fill in here and there.

"Soon we’ll have something to talk about," says MSNBC chief flapper Jeremy Gaines about a formal decision, but nothing, supposedly, has been locked down yet. Perhaps it's the dollar amount and number of years on Joe's new contract?

In today's Joe Scarborough themed edition of Cable Quotables, Intern Wendy reminds us all that no matter how crazy we are, there's always someone crazier. And that person has his own morning talk show. Read on to find out more about Joe's schizophrenic, god-fearing and street tough sides. Then find out what's cuter than a cocker spaniel (Answer: nothing) and curse Willie Geist for ruining your kid's holiday cheer.

• “Wait, hold on. Wait a second. I don‘t have that domain yet. Hold on, Joe Scarborough is God of the universe…” Joe Scarborough, entering the blogosphere with his typical understated humility, Scarborough Country, May 29

• “My dog sometimes comes to me and tells me fantastical lies.” Joe Scarborough, proving Rover really is a (crazy) man's best friend, Morning Joe, May 30

• “I like Joe. He smokes crack a little too much.” Joe Scarborough, disarming us with his sleep-deprived honesty, Morning Joe, May 30

• “I‘m not anti-whale, but I have never seen the appeal of a whale over say a Golden Retriever or a Cocker Spaniel. I never got the whale fever.” Tucker Carlson, evidently not a fan of Sea World, Tucker, May 30

• “Remember that moment you found out there was no Santa Claus? I‘m reliving that right now. It hurts. Is anything real? Does my mom love me?” Willie Geist, wrecking Christmas for children everywhere, Tucker, May 30

Joe Scarborough is clearly the star of today's Cable Quotables, as Intern Wendy zeroes in on cable news' forgotten icon. In the era of Anderson Coopers and Keith Olbermanns, it's easy to forget the chatty former congressman. Until he starts talking about panties.

• “We ruined their country? It was kind of crappy country to begin with.” —Tucker Carlson, blowing his chances to be Iraq’s Minister of Tourism, Tucker, January 2

• "I mean, she‘s an artist, a singer, a painter, a vaginal rejuvenation consultant. That‘s a lot to carry on your shoulders." —Chelsea Handler, sticking up for Paris Hilton, Scarborough Country, January 2

• "Well, I‘ll tell you what, most of the girls that I dated that lived in double-wides, I would just guess they probably wore underwear." —Joe Scarborough, whose girlfriends never let him get past first base, Scarborough Country, January 3

• "A little less conversation; a little more action, baby." —Joe Scarborough, giving advice on a happy marriage, Scarborough Country, January 4

• "Hey, hey, hey! There`s not strength in numbers on this show, Burns!" —Nancy Grace, alone in her insanity, Nancy Grace, January 4

If there's one place Intern Wendy goes to find out about the consequences of partying with Lindsay Lohan, it's definitely Scarborough Country.

• “But I can see Al Gore — I mean, I‘m concerned Al Gore could end up coming out of Teddy‘s nightclub in L.A. with her wearing no underpants, the way things are going over there.” Emily Smith, on the dangers of partying with Lindsay Lohan, Scarborough Country, December 7

• “Well I‘m going to have to go back to print, because I am going to have nothing to talk about in television if she leaves The View.” Tucker Carlson, out of a job if Rosie O’Donnell leaves ABC, Tucker, December 7

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As she chronicled the cable news chatter for last week, Intern Wendy suddenly found herself in the middle of what looks to be an on-air announcement of a specific NBC 2.0 casualty. Tucker, the new home for layoffs.

• “Before we get started here Tucker, Ian Friedman, our great producer, is leaving us, his last day on the show. He‘s going to greener pastures, Los Angeles, chase his dream to become a porn producer and we couldn‘t be more excited for him. “ —Willie Geist, showing how NBC 2.0 can lead to exciting career opportunities, Tucker, December 1

• “Ridiculous? It will be if nobody shows up. Very lonely.” —Bill O’Reilly, potential lonely guy, if nobody shows up for his book signing, The O’Reilly Factor, November 30

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Clearly, the likes of Anderson Cooper, Shep Smith, Nancy Grace, and Bill O'Reilly didn't hold much interest for Intern Wendy, as it's an all-MSNBC edition of Cable Quotables.

• “This, of course, the Hollywood version of Al and Tipper Gore‘s licking at the Los Angeles Democratic convention in 2000.” —Joe Scarborough, with his take on the TomKat kiss, Scarborough Country, November 20

• “The highlight for me by the way, the after party. We were dancing, most people would be a little self-conscious dancing amongst professionals, I was not. And I think, I‘m not sure I heard clearly but I thought I heard a producer come up to me and go, 'Season Four'. We‘ll see if it pans out.” —Willie Geist, looking to be the Harry Hamlin of next year’s Dancing With the Stars, Tucker, November 16

• “Absolutely, you have to first prove that you can cook and make yourself presentable before you‘re aloud to handle a house pet because there‘s an off chance that that animal may turn out to be the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard.“ —Paul F. Tompkins, on the joys of Scientology marriages, Countdown, November 17

• “We don‘t have cameras. We don‘t know exactly what it looked like. But here‘s probably what it looked like. That mashed face kiss. I never want to see that again.” —Willie Geist, having flashbacks to Liza Minnelli’s and David Gest’s wedding, Tucker, November 20

• “This is no joke. These people are traumatized. Some of these are the same people from David and Liza and they were busy going, not again, not again. They covered their eyes, but they could still hear all those slurping noises. So they covered their ears and they could still see this two tongued dragon monster. “ —Michael Musto, fondly recalling Liza Minnelli and David Gest’s “kiss”, Countdown, November 20

Dan Abrams must be the most surprised: Ratings for his little cable news network MSNBC (which he took the reigns of just a few months ago) are, shockingly, on the rise. After a serial spat of lagging behind FNC and CNN, MSNBC is seeing huge spikes in its numbers — especially the 25-54 demograhpic, where double digit gains are all the rage. And depending on how you spin the numbers (which demographic; gains vs. the compeition), the likes of Keith Olbermann, Joe Scarborough, and Chris Matthews have all seen their viewership climb.

Thank god, then, that NBC Universal has all but let the ax fall on MSNBC, forcing it to 30 Rock, slashing its staff in a merge with NBC News proper, and moving ahead with plans to drop most live daytime news coverage and go with more documetary programming. If it ain't broke, fuck it up.

Intern Wendy is back today with our weekly dose of Cable Quotables. Of course we can't go a few days without Tucker Carlson associating homosexuality with being disabled, or Larry King using the word "whore" — but what's a few politically incorrect statement from the mouths of our beloved cable news babes? Ah, it's all in good fun. Just try not to choke on your shmear when you get to the part about Dr. Laura in her nudie pics, k?

• “And later, a former supermodel shows us the dark side of modeling, where runway stars stay thin on a diet of cigarettes, coffee and cocaine. Man, that sounds like MSNBC cameramen!” —Joe Scarborough, on the qualifications to work at MSNBC, Scarborough Country, September 28

• “But he‘s gay — but he‘s blind. No, he‘s deaf, he‘s paralyzed, he‘s mute. No, he‘s gay. Whatever.” —Tucker "disabled, gay, whatever" Carlson, Tucker, September 28

• “And even if you don’t want to read the book, just look at the pictures. Just go to the book store and look at the pictures. We have great shots in that book.” —Bill O’Reilly, pimping his book to the illiterate, The O’Reilly Factor, September 29

•“There are cute ones from me sort of nude from here up and dressed otherwise with little braids and—that—that—I was cuter than I thought I was.” Dr. Laura Schlessinger, channeling her inner Paris Hilton, Larry King Live, September 29

• “Should wives be whores?” —Larry King, asking the question on everyone's mind, Larry King Live, September 29

• “I want to take a donut, cut it, then take a big piece of meat, some Velveeta, and French fries, and a donut top.” Glenn Beck, sharing his “heart attack on a plate” recipe, Glenn Beck, September 29

Thank Jesus it's Friday. It's also Mexican Independence Day. And in between ordering our burrito and hiring armed guards to protect us from the crazed Radar staffers, we put together this week's Cable Quotables, compliments of Intern Wendy. It's hard to laugh when we're still crying over Tucker Carlson's execution from Dancing With the Stars, but Joe Scarborough recounting his douchebaggary helped. Just a little.

• “Here you are at a cat circus with a Russian mute clown. There is a chimpanzee jumping around on the set with you, and I think you are about to see something really special, which is Tiny Kiss, and there they are. That‘s a Kiss cover band of drunken little people." —Willie Geist, reminiscing about all the ways Tucker Carlson’s humiliated himself, Tucker, September 12

• “I said, What—he called me a blank-bag. My son said, yes, that was cool, wasn‘t it.” —Joe Scarborough, on how Jon Stewart captured his son's dream of calling him a douche, Scarborough Country, September 12

• “Regis earned my eternal respect because he chewed gum out of my mouth. He took gum out of my mouth and put it in his mouth and chewed it.” —Jimmy Kimmel, on how desperate Regis Philbin is for fans, Showbiz Tonight, September 12

•“You get a dog to lick your child‘s crotch and that‘s good? How long before child protective services shows up, I wonder? How many more Views before the state comes in and does something about it?” —Tucker Carlson, grossed out by Rosie O’Donnell diaper rash cure, Tucker, September 13

• “She tells me about your butt a lot in the MSNBC commissary, but I didn‘t know she was going to go public with that.” —Willie Geist, revealing Rita Cosby’s booty lust, Tucker, September 13

• “I am not a sex symbol! Shop showing my ass on TV!” —Bruno Tonoli, wanting to be known for his brain, Tucker, September 14

• “Perhaps you are an egomaniac.” —Tanika Ray, swimming in Tucker Carlson’s river of denial, Tucker, September 14

Before Tucker Carlson was the star of Dancing with the Stars, he was the star of Cable Quotables. And some TV shows and stuff. We know we were supposed to run Intern Wendy's round-up yesterday, but, well, we couldn't stop giggling long enough to post it.

This week, Nancy Grace, Joe Scarborough, and Glenn Back prove there's only one thing their mind. Yup, it's the same thing that's always on Joe Francis'.

• "Ruh-roh! Changing a story. You know what? There's nothing like telling the police you're up in a tree outside the victim's window, masturbating, to get you off the hook on a murder case." —Nancy Grace, offering a time tested alibi, Nancy Grace, September 7

• "We're back with Pancho Gonzales." —Larry King reveals his petname for Andre Agassi, Larry King Live, September 7

• "Tucker, as long as they're giving away positions to reality show contestants, I think you should be the ambassador to Luxembourg." —Willie Geist, revealing Tucker Carlson's post "Dancing With the Stars" gig, Tucker, September 7

• "But did she tell the cops the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the slutty truth?" —Joe Scarborough, questioning Paris Hilton's honesty, Scarborough Country, September 7

• "I think she likes me now. All I had to say was I'm a drunk and she likes me." —Glenn Beck, on picking up chicks, Glen Beck, September 8

• "I'm sorry to blow your mind, Congressman, but that‘s allowed in this country!" Tucker Carlson, protecting his right to make no sense, Tucker, September 8

Tucker Carlson understands you want your Cable Quotables now, now, now, now! It's like your crack. And Intern Wendy is your dealer. And this week the smack is good, folks. We've got Anderson Cooper's new dream to be a bus driver, Nancy Grace admitting she knows nothing about prison life, and Oprah digging ditches in high heels.

So grab the pipe and get your cable news fix. And don't forget to come back on Friday for more, more, more.

• "I know, because we‘re all a bunch of crack addicts who want it now, now, now, now!" —Tucker Carlson, Tucker, August 24

"• It is the Obi Wan Kenobe theory of murder — of martyrdom, where, strike me down and I only become stronger. CNN‘s basically giving us a message, if he lives, you lose, if he dies, he only gets stronger." —Joe Scarborough, comparing Osama bin Laden to a Jedi knight, Scarborough Country, August 24

• "Is he allowed to exercise, to work out? You know, like a spa?" —Nancy Grace, wondering if John Mark Karr is getting facials in jail, Nancy Grace, August 25

• "I mean, once guys get married, then they`re thinking, you know, there`s no reason for me to eat salad anymore. She`s legally bound to have sex with me now." —Glenn Beck, blaming his weight on his wife, Glenn Beck, August 25

• "Only Oprah would wear a dress and high heels as she digs." —Soledad O'Brien, envying Oprah Winfrey's skill with a shovel, American Morning, August 25

• "Do they have bus drive — I mean, they — it doesn't seem like buses is — is necessarily the problem, as the — it's getting the bus drivers. Do they have a plan for bus drivers?" —Anderson Cooper, longing to drive a big yellow bus, Anderson Cooper 360, August 25

• "Do you get some macabre pleasure out of saying it?" —Larry King, asking Heidi Klum if she gets off on saying "you're out," Larry King Live, August 25

It seems as though there is nothing our lovable newscasters fear more than Nancy Grace and Kevin Federline. (Osama Bin Laden, not so much.) Intern Wendy watched in terror as she collected these bon-bon sized bites. It's lunch hour on a Friday, and if you're not too busy stalking Michael Kors in the Hearst tower, enjoy your dessert.

• "I feel bad for all those children. They can make, like, a Lifetime movie out of the trauma that those kids are going to face for having seen that." — Joe DeRosa, on how Kevin Federline's performance will make shrinks rich, Showbiz Tonight, August 21

• "OK, let's have a rule in Scarborough Country, OK, buddy? All K-Fed clips, keep them under two seconds." —Joe Scarborough, setting his Kevin Federline limit, Scarborough Country, August 21

• "If they both showed up at your door with flowers and chocolate you’d kind of have to make a tough call." Willie Geist, debating between Osama bin Laden and Bobby Brown, Tucker, August 22

• "The obvious question, how long before she brings a gun to work? Ooh, I bet that’s a question her staff asks themselves every day as they shiver." — Tucker Carlson, on Nancy Grace going postal, Tucker, August 22

• "I don‘t want to be on a long car trip with her. She scares me. I cross my legs involuntarily every time she comes on the air." Tucker Carlson, scared shitless by Nancy Grace, Tucker, August 23

• "Everybody knows. Pluto is a dog. Pluto is a great dog, as a matter of fact. A classic dog, an entertaining dog, a loyal friend to Mickey and Minnie and Donald and Huey, Dewey and Louie. Pluto will always be a dog." — John Gibson, grieving over the loss of planet Pluto, The Big Story, August 24

Today's Cable Quotables are short and sort of sweet. As Intern Wendy points out, things are less funny when there's a war going on. But, thankfully, we always have Tucker Carlson to keep us calm and under control. And Glenn Beck's chocolate cake.

• “I love Macy’s. But there’s no one to help you. You literally cannot give your money away. You’re like, can I buy this? Can I buy this? Please, can you sell this to me?” —Soledad O’Brien, getting no respect, American Morning, August 11

• “I’m not trying to scare anybody. Come on. I’m merely a talk show host. I don’t scare people.” —Tucker Carlson, obviously not talking about his dancing skills, Tucker, August 11

• “Does crying work for men as well as women?” —Tucker Carlson, hoping to manipulate those Dancing With the Stars judges, Tucker, August 14

• “I present to you the lazy man`s black forest cake. Four ingredients: cake, pudding, Cool Whip, cherries. That`s it. The directions: You put them all on top of the cake and wait for the end of the world. There you go. Eat away. ” —Glenn Beck, offering recipes while waiting for the apocalypse, Glenn Beck, August 14

• “My career is over.” —Joe Scarborough, Scarborough Country, August 14

Today may be the funniest Cable Quotables round-up we've had in a while. Glenn Back creaming himself over cookies, Rita Cosby's guests attacking her for once, and Nancy Grace with more "take your pants off" talk. Intern Wendy must have had a fun week. Grab a glass of milk, and get ready to pop these quotes in your mouth. You know they just scream "read me, read me!"

• “Glenn, Glenn? I am so tasty, thick layer of yummy fudge, two delicious cookies. Sure, it looks like you`re biting the head off a cute little midget that lives in a tree, but it`s OK. I don`t feel pain. Buy me, Glenn. Buy me!” —Glenn Beck, dirty talking with the Keebler elf, Glenn Beck, August 8

• “I also demanded and I got Anderson Cooper‘s manicurist. We also got his dermatology technician to apply my bi-daily facials. And last but not least, John Gibson‘s personal hairstylist.” —Joe Scarborough, not such an average Joe at heart, Scarborough Country, August 8

• “Are you on crack?” —Shannon Tweed, analyzing Rita Cosby’s interviewing skills, Scarborough Country, August 9

• “Now, when Rosie (Nancy Grace’s producer) shows up at work with an AR-15, it will be wrong, but I don‘t think anybody will be surprised.” —Tucker Carlson, predicting that Nancy Grace will be a corpse on her own show, Tucker, August 9

• “I'm going to make a confession. I don't think I'm nuts. That's exactly what people think when they're nuts. People who are nuts never think they're nuts, which to me is proof positive I'm not insane.” —Glenn Beck, proving he’s crazy, Glenn Beck, August 9

• “Did he have on pants?” —Nancy Grace, praying for a naked ass corpse, Nancy Grace, August 10