Thank Jesus it's Friday. It's also Mexican Independence Day. And in between ordering our burrito and hiring armed guards to protect us from the crazed Radar staffers, we put together this week's Cable Quotables, compliments of Intern Wendy. It's hard to laugh when we're still crying over Tucker Carlson's execution from Dancing With the Stars, but Joe Scarborough recounting his douchebaggary helped. Just a little.

• “Here you are at a cat circus with a Russian mute clown. There is a chimpanzee jumping around on the set with you, and I think you are about to see something really special, which is Tiny Kiss, and there they are. That‘s a Kiss cover band of drunken little people." —Willie Geist, reminiscing about all the ways Tucker Carlson’s humiliated himself, Tucker, September 12

• “I said, What—he called me a blank-bag. My son said, yes, that was cool, wasn‘t it.” —Joe Scarborough, on how Jon Stewart captured his son's dream of calling him a douche, Scarborough Country, September 12

• “Regis earned my eternal respect because he chewed gum out of my mouth. He took gum out of my mouth and put it in his mouth and chewed it.” —Jimmy Kimmel, on how desperate Regis Philbin is for fans, Showbiz Tonight, September 12

•“You get a dog to lick your child‘s crotch and that‘s good? How long before child protective services shows up, I wonder? How many more Views before the state comes in and does something about it?” —Tucker Carlson, grossed out by Rosie O’Donnell diaper rash cure, Tucker, September 13

• “She tells me about your butt a lot in the MSNBC commissary, but I didn‘t know she was going to go public with that.” —Willie Geist, revealing Rita Cosby’s booty lust, Tucker, September 13

• “I am not a sex symbol! Shop showing my ass on TV!” —Bruno Tonoli, wanting to be known for his brain, Tucker, September 14

• “Perhaps you are an egomaniac.” —Tanika Ray, swimming in Tucker Carlson’s river of denial, Tucker, September 14

Before Tucker Carlson was the star of Dancing with the Stars, he was the star of Cable Quotables. And some TV shows and stuff. We know we were supposed to run Intern Wendy's round-up yesterday, but, well, we couldn't stop giggling long enough to post it.

This week, Nancy Grace, Joe Scarborough, and Glenn Back prove there's only one thing their mind. Yup, it's the same thing that's always on Joe Francis'.

• "Ruh-roh! Changing a story. You know what? There's nothing like telling the police you're up in a tree outside the victim's window, masturbating, to get you off the hook on a murder case." —Nancy Grace, offering a time tested alibi, Nancy Grace, September 7

• "We're back with Pancho Gonzales." —Larry King reveals his petname for Andre Agassi, Larry King Live, September 7

• "Tucker, as long as they're giving away positions to reality show contestants, I think you should be the ambassador to Luxembourg." —Willie Geist, revealing Tucker Carlson's post "Dancing With the Stars" gig, Tucker, September 7

• "But did she tell the cops the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the slutty truth?" —Joe Scarborough, questioning Paris Hilton's honesty, Scarborough Country, September 7

• "I think she likes me now. All I had to say was I'm a drunk and she likes me." —Glenn Beck, on picking up chicks, Glen Beck, September 8

• "I'm sorry to blow your mind, Congressman, but that‘s allowed in this country!" Tucker Carlson, protecting his right to make no sense, Tucker, September 8

Tucker Carlson understands you want your Cable Quotables now, now, now, now! It's like your crack. And Intern Wendy is your dealer. And this week the smack is good, folks. We've got Anderson Cooper's new dream to be a bus driver, Nancy Grace admitting she knows nothing about prison life, and Oprah digging ditches in high heels.

So grab the pipe and get your cable news fix. And don't forget to come back on Friday for more, more, more.

• "I know, because we‘re all a bunch of crack addicts who want it now, now, now, now!" —Tucker Carlson, Tucker, August 24

"• It is the Obi Wan Kenobe theory of murder — of martyrdom, where, strike me down and I only become stronger. CNN‘s basically giving us a message, if he lives, you lose, if he dies, he only gets stronger." —Joe Scarborough, comparing Osama bin Laden to a Jedi knight, Scarborough Country, August 24

• "Is he allowed to exercise, to work out? You know, like a spa?" —Nancy Grace, wondering if John Mark Karr is getting facials in jail, Nancy Grace, August 25

• "I mean, once guys get married, then they`re thinking, you know, there`s no reason for me to eat salad anymore. She`s legally bound to have sex with me now." —Glenn Beck, blaming his weight on his wife, Glenn Beck, August 25

• "Only Oprah would wear a dress and high heels as she digs." —Soledad O'Brien, envying Oprah Winfrey's skill with a shovel, American Morning, August 25

• "Do they have bus drive — I mean, they — it doesn't seem like buses is — is necessarily the problem, as the — it's getting the bus drivers. Do they have a plan for bus drivers?" —Anderson Cooper, longing to drive a big yellow bus, Anderson Cooper 360, August 25

• "Do you get some macabre pleasure out of saying it?" —Larry King, asking Heidi Klum if she gets off on saying "you're out," Larry King Live, August 25

It seems as though there is nothing our lovable newscasters fear more than Nancy Grace and Kevin Federline. (Osama Bin Laden, not so much.) Intern Wendy watched in terror as she collected these bon-bon sized bites. It's lunch hour on a Friday, and if you're not too busy stalking Michael Kors in the Hearst tower, enjoy your dessert.

• "I feel bad for all those children. They can make, like, a Lifetime movie out of the trauma that those kids are going to face for having seen that." — Joe DeRosa, on how Kevin Federline's performance will make shrinks rich, Showbiz Tonight, August 21

• "OK, let's have a rule in Scarborough Country, OK, buddy? All K-Fed clips, keep them under two seconds." —Joe Scarborough, setting his Kevin Federline limit, Scarborough Country, August 21

• "If they both showed up at your door with flowers and chocolate you’d kind of have to make a tough call." Willie Geist, debating between Osama bin Laden and Bobby Brown, Tucker, August 22

• "The obvious question, how long before she brings a gun to work? Ooh, I bet that’s a question her staff asks themselves every day as they shiver." — Tucker Carlson, on Nancy Grace going postal, Tucker, August 22

• "I don‘t want to be on a long car trip with her. She scares me. I cross my legs involuntarily every time she comes on the air." Tucker Carlson, scared shitless by Nancy Grace, Tucker, August 23

• "Everybody knows. Pluto is a dog. Pluto is a great dog, as a matter of fact. A classic dog, an entertaining dog, a loyal friend to Mickey and Minnie and Donald and Huey, Dewey and Louie. Pluto will always be a dog." — John Gibson, grieving over the loss of planet Pluto, The Big Story, August 24

Today's Cable Quotables are short and sort of sweet. As Intern Wendy points out, things are less funny when there's a war going on. But, thankfully, we always have Tucker Carlson to keep us calm and under control. And Glenn Beck's chocolate cake.

• “I love Macy’s. But there’s no one to help you. You literally cannot give your money away. You’re like, can I buy this? Can I buy this? Please, can you sell this to me?” —Soledad O’Brien, getting no respect, American Morning, August 11

• “I’m not trying to scare anybody. Come on. I’m merely a talk show host. I don’t scare people.” —Tucker Carlson, obviously not talking about his dancing skills, Tucker, August 11

• “Does crying work for men as well as women?” —Tucker Carlson, hoping to manipulate those Dancing With the Stars judges, Tucker, August 14

• “I present to you the lazy man`s black forest cake. Four ingredients: cake, pudding, Cool Whip, cherries. That`s it. The directions: You put them all on top of the cake and wait for the end of the world. There you go. Eat away. ” —Glenn Beck, offering recipes while waiting for the apocalypse, Glenn Beck, August 14

• “My career is over.” —Joe Scarborough, Scarborough Country, August 14

Today may be the funniest Cable Quotables round-up we've had in a while. Glenn Back creaming himself over cookies, Rita Cosby's guests attacking her for once, and Nancy Grace with more "take your pants off" talk. Intern Wendy must have had a fun week. Grab a glass of milk, and get ready to pop these quotes in your mouth. You know they just scream "read me, read me!"

• “Glenn, Glenn? I am so tasty, thick layer of yummy fudge, two delicious cookies. Sure, it looks like you`re biting the head off a cute little midget that lives in a tree, but it`s OK. I don`t feel pain. Buy me, Glenn. Buy me!” —Glenn Beck, dirty talking with the Keebler elf, Glenn Beck, August 8

• “I also demanded and I got Anderson Cooper‘s manicurist. We also got his dermatology technician to apply my bi-daily facials. And last but not least, John Gibson‘s personal hairstylist.” —Joe Scarborough, not such an average Joe at heart, Scarborough Country, August 8

• “Are you on crack?” —Shannon Tweed, analyzing Rita Cosby’s interviewing skills, Scarborough Country, August 9

• “Now, when Rosie (Nancy Grace’s producer) shows up at work with an AR-15, it will be wrong, but I don‘t think anybody will be surprised.” —Tucker Carlson, predicting that Nancy Grace will be a corpse on her own show, Tucker, August 9

• “I'm going to make a confession. I don't think I'm nuts. That's exactly what people think when they're nuts. People who are nuts never think they're nuts, which to me is proof positive I'm not insane.” —Glenn Beck, proving he’s crazy, Glenn Beck, August 9

• “Did he have on pants?” —Nancy Grace, praying for a naked ass corpse, Nancy Grace, August 10

From last night's Scarborough Country:

Just remember one thing: Blame Dan Abrams.

Oy. We might have to start giving Intern Wendy some more difficult tasks … because these jokes are just getting too easy. Tucker Carlson wants to recreate celebrity crimes (can we be there when he pins Rita Cosby against a car?), Bill O'Reilly is officially cuckoo, and Nancy Grace craving jailhouse cuisine and some man on boy love? And this only your first helping! Stay tuned for the second course on Friday.

• "But the idea of recreating celebrities crimes, I love it. Next time George Michael gets in trouble, we‘re going to reenact it. That‘s our pledge to you." —Tucker Carlson, planning to one-up Scarborough Country's Mel Gibson re-enactment, Tucker, August 3

• "You have to apply? They`ve got strict regulations…You have to pay to join this? . . . Life membership, $1,000?" —Nancy Grace, getting all excited about membership in the North American Man/Boy Love Association, Nancy Grace, August 3

• "Explain to me about the pod — oh, there we go, hanger steak, that sounds good. Baked beans, baked potato salad, bread, Kool-Aid or tea. Sounds like a pretty good dinner to me, Laquia." —Nancy Grace, craving cell block cusine, Nancy Grace, August 4

• "Now, listen, I‘ve always tried to avoid getting into phony fights with politicians and other talk show hosts to pump up my ratings. I think my parents raised me to be better than that." —Joe Scarborough, leaving the fake feuds to Keith Olbermann, Scarborough Country, August 4

• "Here I am after a titanic struggle with Moby Dick. Well, maybe little Moby. A walleye who I believe committed suicide by jumping on my hook." —Bill O'Reilly, on why he should live in a padded house, The O'Reilly Factor, April 7

We just love that Tucker Carlson. Well, we don't love him as much as Willie Geist does … we've never tried to get a man hug out of him. But if he asked us to spritz him, you betchur ass we wouldn't refuse. Intern Wendy makes mid Fridays a bit easier with this week's quotable cable bits.

• "I've been trying in vain to get a man hug out of Tucker for a year and a half, it's not going well." —Willie Geist, not feeling the love from Tucker Carlson, Tucker, July 31

• "I think that MSNBC by way of example, is going to give you whatever it is you want to watch." —Michael Smerconish, blaming viewers for MSNBC's "Doc Block," Hardball, July 31

• "It's like that Bugs Bunny cartoon, where he keeps drawing a line in the sand, daring Yosemite Sam to step over it. And when Sam does, Bugs draws another line and then another, then another. And Yosemite Sam? Well, he's just befuddled. I think the U.N. is Yosemite Sam. And I think Bugs is Iran." —Neil Cavuto, blaming cartoons for the Middle East conflict, Your World, August 1

• "I want to state for our viewers emphatically, I have never spritzed Tucker Carlson. And he has asked, trust me." —Willie Geist, refusing to get Tucker's freak on, Tucker, August 2

• "As our motto at MSNBC has been for—you know, I guess for the 10 years we've been in existence here, we drink and you decide." —Joe Scarborough, driving his viewers to hit the bottle, Scarborough Country, August 2

• "OK, tip off number one: You have surgery on a massage table in somebody`s basement, and they`re boiling the instruments over the kitchen stove in a pot and pan. I would think that`s a problem." —Nancy Grace, on the hazards of home liposuction, Nancy Grace, August 2

• "It's like going after the rappers. You don't go after the rappers, you go after the masters." —Bill O'Reilly, gets the streets, yo, The O'Reilly Factor, August 2

Every day is a good day for quoting the talking heads that be, even if Anderson Cooper is all the way over in the Middle East trying to keep all humor out of his nightly reports. Intern Wendy listened to hours upon hours of chow chow just to pull this exhilarating quotes from across the networks, just for you. In this edition, Keith Olbermann manages to say something without putting on a mask or giving a "heil" sign, and Tucker Carlson just can't stop making a fool out of himself.

• “With each passing day, the terrible reality becomes more and more likely that the fragile little two-faced kitty who captivated a nation may have finally used up all of his 18 lives. Stay tuned to Nancy Grace for nightly updates.” —Keith Olbermann, finding a story worth of Nancy Grace’s talents, Countdown, July 20

• “Leave me alone. Leave me alone. I‘m naked. Look at me.” —Joe Scarborough, channeling Britney Spears, Scarborough Country, July 20

• “Where is everybody?” —Tucker Carlson, baffled the Israelis aren’t outside enjoying the bomb shower, Tucker, July 21

• “I think the balloon, there‘s no question the balloon is up and it‘s interesting, a lot of this you learn by tone.” —We have no idea what Tucker Carlson is talking about, Hardball, July 21

• "Apparently, some locals didn‘t care for our coverage or the idea of the media in general and started harassing me during my show about an hour ago, went up and urinated on our gear, for one thing, and threatened us.” —Tucker Carlson, literally pissing people off, Scarborough Country, July 21

• “I mean, I can`t help but ask you, because I`m a freak. I`m sorry, but I`m a freak.” —Glenn Beck, getting his freak on, Glenn Beck, July 21

Just because some technical difficulties kept us offline on Friday doesn't mean we're going to deprave you of Intern Wendy's cable news watching and transcript gleaning. Forthwith, her weekly wrap up of primetime chatter that's got Anderson Cooper talking dirty diapers and Nancy Grace dumpster diving for child porn.

• "It's good to know the drunks are still watching the show. And we encourage it. If that means drinking during the afternoon, so be it. But we want you watching." — Willie Geist, thankful that Tucker Carlson's core audience is still watching, Tucker, July 11

• "Joe, got any good emails?" — Keith Olbermann, comparing emails with Joe Scarborough, Countdown, July 11

• "You can get it on Ebay for a lot less than that, Brian." Nancy Grace, giving Michael Jackson attorney Brian Oxman tips on buying copies of kiddie porn books, Nancy Grace, July 12

• "It's a potty training cartoon for children in Japan, complete with music, singing, confetti, even dazzling underwear. They animate the No. 1 and even the No. 2s. Sing along, Erica." Anderson Cooper, who obviously thinks Erica Hill needs Depends, Anderson Cooper 360, July 12

• "Albert Einstein: genius, Nobel-winning physicist, stud muffin. He is human and funny and, apparently, he is horny." — Neil Cavuto, inadvertently comparing Albert Einstein with Bill O'Reilly, Your World With Neil Cavuto, July 12

• "But first, the story that Keith Olbermann's producers are making me do." — Joe Scarborough, passing the buck for covering Tom Cruise, Scarborough Country, July 12

It's Friday people … and you know what that means! No, not "we have a hangover." It means you get to laugh at your cable newscasters more than you do on a regular basis.

In between fielding stalkarazzi photos from Tucker Carlson, stalking him back with phone calls, and trying to understand the complicated life on whatever planet Joe Scarborough is living on, Intern Wendy manages to squeeze a few other talking head shows into her schedule. And don't we just lover her for it?

• "That is what world leaders do. They laugh heartily. Oh, hah, hah, hah, hah. Except that, in Austria, it's like huh, huh, huh, huh, huh. Do they wear lederhosen, or no? I think that's Germany. Maybe, in za Alps, zough, zey wear za lederhosen." —Anderson Cooper, on the international language of laughter, Anderson Cooper 360, May 12

• "No word exactly on what religion Britney's messiah child has begun, but we hope it has a trendier bracelet than those tacky, little, red strings. I need a red string." —Joe Scarborough, pondering if Sean Preston will be offered as a religious sacrifice, Scarborough Country, May 15

• "Through the years, publicists have told me Whitney Houston is not on crack, Clay Aiken's dating a woman, and Ethel Merman was a woman. They spin more than Stevie Nicks and that infernal shawl." —Michael Musto, Countdown, May 16

• "You know, but getting back to Raggedy Ann — why can`t they just keep it simple? She`s comfortable with the red hair, and the freckles, the clothes. She might need a new wardrobe, but, you know. I don`t know." —Sibila Vargas, on rag dolls who don't need bling, Showbiz Tonight, May 16

• "OK. Two mushroom hunters find a barrel with a body in it. OK. It sounds like the beginning of a Lifetime story, but go ahead." — Nancy Grace, Nancy Grace, May 16

• "This is a depressing show." —Marie Osmond says it all. Larry King Live, May 16

• "Sometimes sex needs to be hot. But other times, there is nothing more beautiful than making love to your wife. I believe about half of the audience just scurried for a garbage can. I understand; if you need to vomit, you can vomit. I get it" —Glenn Beck, Glenn Beck, May 17

• "They are not all that stupid. And they will learn their names. They'll respond to their names… I've actually had people tell me stories about George out in the lake that they've been—I have been throwing marshmallows at George for five years." —Tim Williams, alligator wrestler, Live and Direct, May 17

TVNewser has the latest from Seacaucus, where MSNBC chieftan Rick Kaplan has some exciting new changes to spice up ratings:

I'm happy to share with you some news about a primetime schedule adjustment we're going to make beginning next Monday. Rita and Joe are going to switch timeslots. Joe will move an hour earlier to 9pm and Rita will take his place at 10pm. Both Rita and Joe have great programs built around their unique personalities and this change will support their continued growth. We've had a lot of ratings growth this year with Chris and Keith and I'm confident that this change will improve our audience flow and allow us to extend that momentum to the second half of primetime. Tucker will continue to round out our primetime lineup at 11pm.

That is: Shuffling papers at least gives the impression Kaplan is doing something about slagging ratings. And putting Rita up against Greta Van Susteren and CNN Headline News impresario Nancy Grace? Smart move. Oh, and Tucker Carlson is still resident bastard child. Happy cable primetime!

Memo: Joe At 9, Rita At 10 [TVNewser]

Sure, last night might've been the official start to Passover, but in media land, we're not the only ones who miss deadlines. Which is why only today are we getting around to polling various personalities from inside the bubble as to their holiday plans, whether they're more likely to suffer from mother's guilt (and celebrate Passover) or daddy's drinking (and celebrate Easter) — or, like us, both. Let's see who else will be dipping their herbs (in gin) twice.

Jeff Bercovici, Women's Wear Daily
I attended a seder in the west village last night. We had Maxwell House-sponsored haggadahs that seemed to have been translated from Hebrew into Yiddish, then into Russian, German, and finally English, by someone who spoke none of those languages. This morning I had pancakes and pork sausage for breakfast. Take that, Yahweh!

Joe Scarborough, MSNBC
Going to be hosting an Easter egg hunt for my little girl's friends at our home in Pensacola, FL. If it's anything like last year, all the adults will be enjoying adult conversation and beer while I am dressed up like a 6'4" Peter Cottontail, sweating my rabbits' feet off.

Sunday to church and lunch with the family.

Tray Butler, HX
Normally Easter is the weekend of my annual pajama party, which has become a notorious tradition among friends over the years. I’m actually putting the ‘jamas and jelly-bean shots on hold this year for the sake of a more wholesome holiday, heading South to hide Easter eggs for my four-year-old brother. (Yes, there’s a bit of an age gap. Long story.) I’ll also hopefully catch up with a few friends in the ATL, and those kids are crrrazy. I’ll be packing some PJs, just in case.

Jack Shafer, Slate
I worship no deity, including the newly improved Jesus Christ. That means I'm available to break bread wirth anybody who asks me to attend their celebration. I have no invitations in hand, so I'll probably grill something and drink beer on Sunday.

Choire Sicha, New York Observer
Well, I don't know the month of Nisan from a Nissan. I prefer to use any of these less-high Holy Days to sit idly at my desk, IMing with the goyim. After sundown, I'll be playing poker, chain-smoking, and eating pepperoni pizza. Please send someone around on Sunday to roll away the emotional stone that keeps me trapped in my house on weekends.

Jesse Oxfeld, Gawker
I will, as always, be heading to the American Jew's promised land: The New Jersey suburbs. I believe today's Pesach Express leaves Penn Station at 5:20. I should be back in the city by 11 (as I was last night, too), ready to commence Gawking again in the morning. In observance of the holiday, though, I do write while reclining.

After the jump: Post-It Keith Kelly, Times ad man Stuart Elliott, Gawker gal Jessica Coen, Huffington Post's Rachel Skarl, and the NYO's Gabe Sherman.

CONTINUED »

Intern Wendy totally hearts her non-paid internship. And why not? Can you think of a better way to spend your time than listening to Larry King wax on about his knowledge of film or taking in the invaluable proverbs of Nancy Grace as she talks about how killers killed spring break?

We couldn't if we tried. Wendy's got this week's top quotes for your laughing pleasure — it's ok, go ahead, make fun of your primetime newscasters. Just tell the guy in the cubicle next to you that you're drunk.

• "So this Frist thing here is kissing your sister." —Chris Matthews, Hardball, March 10

• "A dictatorship, D-I-C-T-A-T-O-R-ship?" —Showing he can spell as well as count, —Keith Olbermann, Countdown, March 10

• "A head is going to run between $550 to $900. One hand on the market here is worth $350 to $850. Each leg costs between $700 and $1,000. And each foot runs anywhere from $200 to $400." —Rita Cosby, Live and Direct, March 13

• "I've got a cat on my head." — Tucker Carlson, The Situation March 14

• "Hey, get over it and just eat a slab of ribs in dreamland." Having no empathy for manorexia, Joe Scarborough, Scarborough Country, March 14

• "What's wrong for you is not wrong for your neighbor if he or she doesn't think his or her actions are wrong." Explaining why he's always right, Bill O'Reilly, The O'Reilly Factor, March 15

• "There's nothing to kill a spring break tourism season like announcing you've got a serial killer killing women." — Nancy Grace, Nancy Grace, March 16

• "Stock up on tuna and powdered milk." Sharing his anti-bird flu diet plan, Wolf Blitzer, The Situation Room, March 16

• "Well, I think I saw him today in the makeup department of Duane Reade." —Nancy Grace revealing the latest Michael Jackson sighting, Nancy Grace, March 16

• Uncle Buck is one of the funniest movies ever made." —Larry King, Proving he prepped for his interview with Macauley Culkin, Larry King Live, March 16

More to chew on from our most quotable nightly news spewers, courtesy of Intern Wendy. Happy Friday lunch hour.

• "It's terrifying. It makes me rethink my life." —Tucker Carlson (on how agreeing with Chris Matthews scares him shitless), Hardball, March 3.

• "FOX security. Hannity and Colmes come to your house with billy clubs." —Keith Olbermann, on FOX hunting down crank callers for Bill O'Reilly, Countdown, March 3.

• "That does not mean, though, that I want to go see movies that claim that the CIA is in bed with fat, ugly Texas oilmen." — Joe Scarborough, Scarborough Country, March 6.

• "After all the things, the Nazi uniform — you think that was just a style thing?" —Rita Cosby (playing fashionista for Darryl Littlejohn) Live and Direct, March 8.

• "There's a difference between organized religion and a belief that — for example, I know you look at — just if you look at universes within universes, the planets, the stars, gravity, and Howard Stern, and people in the animal kingdom." — Sean Hannity trying to convince Howard Stern there is a God, Hannity and Colmes, March 8.

• "Well, everybody's taller than you are. You're not very tall." Jack Cafferty to Wolf Blitzer, The Situation Room, March 8.

• "And then there's Internet porn. That will keep you watching." — Keith Olbermann, Countdown, March 9.

• "Was there sperm? That`s what I'm asking." Nancy Grace, Nancy Grace, March 9.

Every weeknight, cable news gives us so much to choose from: O'Reilly, Cosby, King, Carlson, Matthews, Van Susteren. But so many options isn't just a time suck — it's also perfect fodder for a listicle of medocrity.

So we sicced Intern Wendy on the primetime arena of talking heads to score some entertaining quotables that remind us: When in doubt, choose QVC.

• "Doctor, have you taken a look at these women they he would marry? They all — I think there were four of them. They all look like sisters, OK? Freaky!" — Managing to find kinkiness among the corpses, Nancy Grace, Nancy Grace, Feb. 27

• "I'm collecting donations. It's beer. It's a beer fund." — A true victim of Hurricane Katrina, giving Anderson Cooper another reason to cry. Anderson Cooper 360, Feb. 27

• "Did you know that the same technology in that search for Natalee Holloway is now keeping our ports safe?" — Rita Cosby, explaining why our ports are screwed, Live and Direct, Feb. 27

• "I'm saying once you accept that marriage is no longer just between one man and one woman. Why does it have to be limited to two men or two women?" — Tucker Carlson getting his freak on, Scarborough Country, Feb. 28

• "You know, she cleans up real nice when $450 million on the line." — Joe Scarborough, not accepting that Anna Nicole Smith still wouldn't date him, Scarborough Country, Feb. 28

• "… yes, well, and you said it's attractive to women, you said?" — Why read the mystery when you can read the orgy part? Rita Cosby, talking about Dan Brown's The DaVinci Code, Live and Direct, Feb. 28

• "We Christians must help people in need, but do we have to enable them?" — Proving he still doesn't get that "Love Thy Neighbor" stuff, Bill O'Reilly, The O'Reilly Factor, March 1

• "372 million pornographic Web pages; 72 million people visit porn sites each year." — Showing she's the go to girl for porn stats, Rita Cosby, Live and Direct, March 1

• When Ann Curry isn't bringing you toned down versions of the rest of the world, she's pissing off her neighbors. Meanwhile, ex-Entertainment Tonight host Maria Menounos is headed to the Today show to make it "more hip."

• Lachlan Murdoch is getting a giddy-up on his own plans for a media empire, having registered the new Australian company Illyria just three days after announcing he was leaving the News Corp. empire.

• The Washington Post named in-housers Roxanne Roberts and Amy Argetsinger as its new Reliable Source scribes, which should finally put to rest any rumors of Wonkette's Ana Marie Cox taking over Richard Leiby's byline.

• We're not the only ones concerned over Brandon Holley's coming editorship at Jane — the Wall Street Journal has its quibbles too. As in, for instance, should the mag be renamed Brandon? Probably not, as we don't need today's teens struggling with gender identity any more than they already do.

• It's not just Jason Binn launching new luxury lifestyle publications. And, he's hoping, we're the only ones who care.

• MSNBC's Joe Scarborough has a choice to make, and it's between renewing his contract with Rick Kaplan or submitting a bid to run for a Senate seat.

• FishbowlDC blogger Garrett Graff is joining the staff of Washingtonian magazine as an editor-at-large. Not that we're totally ignorant to the bloggers-joining-magazines craze or anything.