• Avril Lavigne becomes the young (not virgin) bride of Sum 41 frontman Deryck Whibley. See, dreams of finding your perfect s8ter boy really can come true. [People]

• You can't take Cate Blanchett's grannie panties away from her. [The Sun]

• What Lindsay Lohan wants, Lindsay Lohan gets. And she didn't even have to blow anyone for this "huge friggin' speaker system." [The Awful Truth]

• Jessica Biel won't just give a little girl who lost her leg any money — but she will date someone in order to make the operation happen. [AP]

• Paris Hilton still thinks Nicole Richie is gross. But is being skinny really more disgusting than having herpes? Tough call. [The Scoop]

• Could Joe Simpson please not be quite so involved in his daughter's love life? It's getting a little uncomfortable. [Gatecrasher]

For some reason, a reality show centered around Michael Jackson's family supporting him through child molestation charges wasn't a hit with the networks. We just can't imagine why. If only TV stations could have known that Janet Jackson was going to get fatter by the day, it would have made for remarkable celebrity news coverage.

It seems as though everyone has tired of the Tito, LaToya, and Jermaine generation. But don't worry, you haven't heard the last of this whacked out family. Following in Joe Simpson's footsteps, the Jackson's will attempt to pimp out their children to television in the same fashion The Five were sold to Motown for daddy's booze money.

This one “would focus on a trio of second-generation Jacksons trying to restart their careers in music,” according to The Hollywood Reporter. “The sons of Jackson’s brother Tito succeeded overseas as the members of boy band 3T during the 1990s but are trying to mount a comeback as adults.

They receive help from their father as well as other aunts and uncles on the show — including LaToya and Jermaine Jackson — but one of the obstacles they face is the notoriety their uncle Michael encountered in various courtroom battles during the past decade.”

Apparently, there are some scenes in which Michael "interacts" with Tito's kids. That's right guys. Just keep it vague and lock the door.

Jackson family shopping yet another series [Reality Blurred]

• Ali Lohan signed up for Joe Simpson's A Lister class. She does need a new dad….[OANmedia]

• And we've been saving all month to send our new editor to learn blogging from Jessica Coen at the 92nd St. Y. [Gawker]

• 105 Time Inc. employees will have to cancel their Per Se reservations. [Ad Age]

• Yeah, we didn't really understand that whole "Colin Farrell man boobs" thing either. [Salon]

• Mischa Barton is terrified of Rachael Bilson's boobs. The Queerty guys are shuddering in agreement. [The Scoop]

• The new Hearst lifestyle mag, Weekend, staffs up for the launch. If you can sift through all the Time Inc. axings, that is. [Mediabistro]

• Mayor Bloomberg loves it when hot girls get married at City Hall. [Page Six]

• While Joe Simpson forms plans for the A List, Sienna Miller's pop creates his black list. First to die - Jude Law. [The Sun]

• We know supermodels don't spend any part of the holiday season eating, but Kate Moss has special plans this year. She'll be hiding out in the US - after all, getting busted for blowing coke kind of ruins the Christmas spirit. [Page Six]

• A new job opens up at The Daily Show. [Reuters]

• Even celebrities get cranky when they're up all night with a new baby. But, it's more likely that Heath Ledger just really doesn't like his wife. [The Scoop]

Joe Simpson is definitely an expert on how to whore yourself out to Hollywood. He also does a really good job of making money off of his children's names (daddy Lohan, take notes). With this very bizarre seminar, Joe tires to convince himself that his girls aren't going to be on Surreal Life in five years:

From the School of Motivational Speaking that brought you the guy who lives in a van down by the river, here's an event that no wannabe American Idol contestant can resist:

"How to Be an A-Lister in Life," starring Joe Simpson, dad of Jessica and Ashlee.

Maybe Ashlee shoule shell out $60 to take the class.

When Everyone Can Be on the A List, Does It Then Become Better to Be on the B List? [Media Orchard]

Yes, yes, we know this item is from last week, but how often do you expect us to read Billy Bush's blog? But we're willing to visit the Access Hollywooder's online space to hash out a Nov. 24 item, wherein he calls out Joe Simpson for, well, begin Joe Simpson: aggressive, backstabbing, manipulative and a liar.

Remember when just last week Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson announced their official separation to Us Weekly? So does Billy Bush.

Joe said some demonizing things about US Weekly to me in an interview over a year ago ("never again" was his position on future collaborations) and again face to face in late October, over drinks at The Cheesecake Factory in Sherman Oaks, CA. While sipping margaritas, he swore his daughter and Nick were together to my face, claimed US Weekly West Coast editor, Ken Baker, had called him a 'liar', how he was miffed that Ken didn't believe that Nick and Jessica's Eurpoean trip was something other than a poorly planned distraction (neither did I…nobody did).

Now, the day before Thanksgiving, he has faced the truth and immediately started looking forward. He has realized his kids NEED US Weekly and so does he….so now, he tucks tail, gives THEM the scoop (and thus the olive branch) and starts charting a new course, which will heavily involve US Weekly, make no mistake…and the main man in his daughter's life is back to being him.

Which, when you think about it, explains just how Joe could also turn his back on OK!, which infamously forked over $200,000 for six exclusive cover articles only to see their arrangement flogged by Us Weekly.

Billy's Blog [Access Hollywood]
Earlier: Nick & Jessica's breakup ruined Thanksgiving

It was the breakup heard 'round the world, except we were too busy filling our bellies with sweet potatoes and pumpkin pie to care: Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are over, officially, forever and ever.

But let us just remind you: Jessica's new publicist Rob Shuter as of the Friday before last assured us on Tuesday that all was fine in Nick and Jessicaville. And then, on Wednesday night, he drops the deflated bomb that they had split. Just in case you need any more reason not to trust publicists.

And, in case you need any more reason to believe Jessica's father Joe is the devil incarnate, let's also point out that he released the news on Wednesday night, which meant the staffers at Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood and the rest of their ilk had to work on Thanksgiving instead of letting their pretaped shows run.

Holiday Killer [Page Six]
Earlier: Jessica Simpson's exhaustion of PR reps continues

• Christopher Reeve's widow Dana announced she's battling lung cancer. On the plus side, she says she feels "Chris with me." Good news, should she have to battle kryptonite anytime soon.

• Britney Spears might be facing legal action from Brad Diaz, the lens shot by a BB gun outside her Malibu home during her baby shower.

• Because her father Joe essentially runs her life, Ashlee Simpson will be using two songs on her upcoming album to address that SNL lip-sync scandal from last year. Don't worry: The music will still be as unbearable.

• More bad news in the world of media: Ebony publisher John Harold Johnson passed away in Chicago at the age of 87. He landed on Forbes' 400 richest list after amassing more than $100 million, helped along by additional successes like Jet magazine.

• Comedy met media the other night at L.A.'s Laugh Factory, where Jamie Masada hosted a candlelight vigil for jailed NYT scribe Judith Miller.

• Egads! The Church of Scientology almost never became The Church of Tom Cruise.