Howard Stern married long-time girlfriend Beth Ostrosky this weekend, leading to the biggest washed-up celebrity clusterfuck of the century. Let's see, the guest list included John Stamos, Jimmy Kimmel, Joan Rivers, Billy Joel, Donald Trump, Chevy Chase, Artie Lang, and Barbara Walters. Not to mention the ceremony was presided over by Kelly Ripa's wife husband, former soap star Mark Consuelos.
Do you think that some of these B+ listers phoned the paparazzi to let them know they'd be showing up to Stern's NY bash at Le Cirque, or did the photogs receive a formal invitation from the happy couple?
• When Ralph Fiennes travels, he typically flies first class and bangs the airplane stewardess. When John Stamos travels, he gets attacked by a crazy woman who slaps him and steals his seat. Worse? They cut him off after three in-flight scotches.
• With Heath Ledger looking like that in Manhattan, Brooklyn has never felt prouder.
• Matt Damon is People magazine's Sexiest Man of the Year? Eh, we were always on Team Affleck.
• Portia de Rossi doesn't mind getting type cast as a lesbian. A shemalé, however, is a completely different matter.
Here's the thing, John. So, you had a little too much to drink the other day. No big deal, it happens to the best of us, right? Plus, we totally get it. You were in fucking Australia, where everyone keeps calling you "Uncle Jesse," no one has any clue what—if anything—you've done in the past 5-10 years (except get dumped by your supermodel wife) so you figured, why not throw back a couple of Mai Tai's and make this bullshit publicity op a little more interesting, right?
Except you maybe got a little too tipsy, started slurring your words, mixing your metaphors, and suddenly everyone's talking about how you "pulled a Paula Abdul" down under.
Only now the problem isn't really the drinking (seriously, we get it, we'd drink if we were you, too) so much as the fact that you had to fucking go and lie about it afterwards.
• A friend swears OJ Simpson didn't do it! The book, not the double homicide, obvi.
• Only Barry Bonds' mistress knows the truth about those so-called "performance enhancing" drugs.
• John Stamos pulls a Paula Abdul, which is to say he slurs his way through a television interview then attributes it to being "jet-lagged."
• Nintendo hires Nicole Kidman to demonstrate that even attractive people who've had lots of plastic surgery enjoy video games.
• Hugh Grant may be back together with heiress Jemima Khan, If so, he may or may not have popped the question, in which case Khan conceivably answered with either a "yes" or a "no."
• If Al Gore was actually running for president, he'd never allow his daughter to have a Beverly Hills 90210 inspired wedding.
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