Those adorably anachronistic Somalian pirates are demanding $22 million as ransom for a Ukrainian tanker they hijacked. Funny enough, that's about one third of what Johnny Depp is receiving to reprise his role as Capt. Jack Sparrow for the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean film.

Perusing through IMDB, you might start to notice a trend for upcoming films: 3-D is back in a big way. The once-gimmicky (well, it's still gimmicky) trend is the latest move by theaters in the wake of lagging sales to cash in on some of that super-lucrative nostalgia bucks.

Disney has at least five films slated to come out in 3-D in the upcoming year or so, and another 16 in development, including a Tim Burton adaptation of Alice in Wonderland starring Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter. Depp will also star in a 4th Pirates of the Caribbean film and a Lone Ranger, playing Tonto. Which should be great for your little sister and all her impressionable friends. Grownups, not so much.

Depp is a sure bet in terms of getting tweens into the theaters, but Disney is taking a gamble with the money needed to create 3-D films without the need for those hokey glasses. (Which, we'll admit, are totally awesome.)

And once you get past the general shtick, how many viewers can actually be expected to fill theaters to see the wonders of Miley Cyrus coming out of the screen? You know, beside Vanity Fair's newest subscribers?

It's not easy being mean. Sure, when you come across something that involves the words "Celebrity," "Rehab," and "VH1", your faith in humanity dies a little bit as you type out a snarky retort. But sometimes professional blogging (a real job, unlike Bigfoot hunters) can make you a little bit cynical. It's almost enough sometimes to make you want to get rid of your wireless connection. But then there are stories like this one: How the three actors who took over Heath Ledger's part in Terry Gilliam's The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus after the actor's death earlier this year will be donating the money they make from the film to Ledger's daughter, Matilda. Ledger never had a chance to update his will before his unexpected death, so there has been worries that Matilda would not be taken care of. Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell are all commendable for making one sour old blogger believe that humanity is not all running to The Hills.

After a busy day of puddle-hopping and jumping atop giant piles of dry leaves horse manure, actor Johnny Depp (a.k.a. the future Jaden Smith) shows up to the premiere of Sweeney Todd wearing dirty, "mud" spattered hiking boots and an expression that says "Don't judge me. For chrissakes, man, you work for WireImage." [Mollygood]

To say it was the darkest moment, that's nothing. It doesn't come close to describing it. Words are so small.

Now every single millisecond is a mini-celebration. Every time we get to breathe in and exhale is a huge victory. She pulled through beautifully, perfectly, with no lasting anything.

–Johnny Depp, opening up about his darkest days as a parent to Entertainment Weekly [via People]

• Is Hugh Jackman too gay to function? Or just thin, neat and pretend-married?

• High school food fight ends with three arrests and a week of "tuna casserole hair."

• Only Nicole Richie would consider hiking with her hairstylist to be exercise.

• Natalee Holloway's mom and JonBenet Ramsey's dad are dating!

• Altercation-er Eric Alterman arrested for causing a raucous, so soon after that great Times plug.

• Finally, people stop flocking to the theaters to see Johnny Depp's "gay Keith Richards impression" after realizing that the actual Keith Richards is rather old/boring.

• The jailed Paris Hilton has been described as "polite and gracious." You know, just like the unincarcerated Paris!

• What people wore to the MTV movie awards. Admit it, you sneakily care.

• Born Rich pansy Luke Weil claimed he was in rehab when he was really "pulling a Paris" and doing time.

The reviews are in, and it looks as though Pirates of the Caribbean is all washed up! (Har har). Naturally, we weren't invited to the advance press screening—something about lacking readers, proper credentials—but we've taken the liberty of rounding up the pun-tastic headlines and choice excerpts from each of your favorite neighborhood movie critics.

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• Lindsay Lohan doing anything at midnight but carousing at a club? Odd. But Lindsay Lohan trying to smuggle something to a rehabbing Brandon Davis? Inexplicable. [The Awful Truth]

• Italy headbutts France out of first, but France squeezed in a shot of their own. And Little Italy's celebrations were curbed by cops cutting the power. [NYT]

• Jeremy Piven has no problem smoking pot with twentysomethings. But tobacco? It ages you, brah. [Page Six]

• Brigitte Nielsen marries Guy No. 5 twice, because of that tiny little problem with the first wedding. You know, where she was still married to Guy No. 4. [People]

• Johnny Depp's Jack Sparrow lucks out again. Too bad those Chinese kids won't ever get to see him/ [AP, LSE]

• Despite the fear of getting the clap just by looking, Paris Hilton's crotch is on full display. [MollyGood]

• Madonna and Kabbalah parting ways? So much bottled water gone to waste. [Dlisted]

• Seriously, tourists. Watch out. New Yorkers are a crazy bunch. [NYT]

• Pretty soon, buying cigarettes will consist of cutting a whole in your own throat right there at the deli counter, and Abas sticking a Camel Light in there for 20 bucks. [NY1]

• Upstate New York has bears running wild … and the city is fearing the roosters. Um, if we can't fight birds, we really are going to need that anti-terrorism funding back. [NYP]

• Even Magic Johnson can't avoid the constant Brooklyn controversy. [NYO]

• Ok, Johnny Depp was exceptionally sexy in Pirates of the Caribbean. However, that does not mean every dude with dreads and eyeliner has a shot. Or, at least we hope that's not what it means. [Metro]