• Introducing "Die Hard: The Puppet Musical." Picture Avenue Q without the whole "gay is happiness" message, plus John McClain. And lots of guns.
• Dammit, Lindsay, if you don't sweep the floors tonight we're gonna have to cut off your supply of Beef Jerky and Gatorade again!
• Breaking: L.A. Studio City building smells like "poo!" Which is to say, "slightly worse than how everything in L.A. usually smells."
• The new and improved Elle magazine is both "prettier" and markedly less annoying, despite the fact that Lindsay Lohan is on the cover.
• Reason #239 why interning for Karl Rove can never lead to anything good.
• Brit's former assistant Shannon Funk denies OK!'s lesbian romp rumors, making us wonder if (sometimes!) paying excessively for stories doesn't guarantee factual information.
At his emotional goodbye with George W. Bush on the South lawn of the White House Monday, Karl Rove painted a portrait of a presidency made of strong vision and epochal goals. Rove, his voice trembling, said of Bush, "I've seen a man of far-sighted courage put America on a war footing and protect us against a brutal enemy in a dangerous conflict that will shape this new century. I've seen a leader respond to an economy weakened by recession, corporate scandal and terrorist attacks by taking decisive action to strengthen the economy and create jobs. I've seen a reformer who challenged his administration, the Congress and the country to make bold changes to important institutions in great need of repair."
Funny, all we see is wartime country on the heels of a recession and a myopic, egg-shaped man who needs to have his eyes checked.
Going through Karl Rove withdrawal? [Ed: Really? Why??] In any event, Rove's announcement in yesterday's WSJ that he plans to step down threw many of us for a loop. The kind of loop that's wholly unexpected (but joyous!) and comprised of gumdrops and rainbows and everything happy.
And for those of you not content to simply ACCEPT the good news, dammit, and not question Rove's undeniably sinister motives, Washington Post White House reporter, Peter Baker was on hand to field your questions. Here's his response to "Bethesda MD" (Great name!) who says he doesn't buy Rove's "close-to-the-family" excuse.
"Karl Rove, President Bush's longtime political adviser, is resigning as White House deputy chief of staff effective Aug. 31, and returning to Texas," writes the WSJ, in its first huge scoop since being taken over by genocidal tyrant, Rupert Murdoch.
"I just think it's time," Mr. Rove said in an interview with The Wall Street Journal's editorial page editor, Paul Gigot. "There's always something that can keep you here, and as much as I'd like to be here, I've got to do this for the sake of my family."
Coincidentally, leaving is also a great way for Rove to whitewash that whole ugly Senate Judiciary Committee scandal! Either way, our consolations to the White House administration for losing what WH press secretary Dana Perino describes as, "a great colleague, good friend and brilliant mind" Or, as Queerty puts it, "Bush's lead shithead."
Over the past year, Karl Rove has proven himself to be a negligible dancer, an argumentative adversary and the unrequited pen pal of heretofore forgotten-about "musician," Moby. But did you know that in the 80's Rove wasn't nearly the debonair "ladies man" you see in front of you today? In fact, Rove apparently spent his Saturday nights holed up in his room, wearing velour tracksuits, and listening to David Bowie records while eating frozen dinners and watching Chevy Chase host SNL, in the good old days before he stopped being funny.
And not dating Southern belle-slash-Secretary of Education, Margaret Spellings.
EDUCATION Secretary Margaret Spellings got blindsided by the Washington Post last week when she went in for an interview about the state of the nation's schools and was first asked to explain why she turned down President Bush's deputy chief-of-staff, Karl Rove, for a date back in the early '80s. Pausing to get over her shock, Spellings responded: "Have you met Karl Rove? He was so inept . . ."
Which almost made us like Spellings for a moment…until we remembered that she has helped draft, implement and enforce the ineffectual "No Child Left Behind Act" legislation, she's been a key figure in the Bush administration for over six years, she's a self-described "anal-retentive chowderhead," and the only reason she turned down Rove (a.k.a. her "political protege") was that she that kept hoping W. would finally come to his senses, ditch Laura, swoop Spellings off to Camp David, and murmur, "It's always been you, Marge. Oh, and Condoleezza, of course."
Ever wonder what the day-to-day activities of Karl Rove include?
We would think 1) biting his nails over the war in Iraq 2) planning a new swift boat controversy for the 2008 election 3) worrying about that blasted Office of Special Counsel and 4) when he could get home and get some from his wife Darby.
It never would have crossed our minds that he would waste our tax-paying time to become pen pals with now forgotten singer Moby. See, apparently Moby has a half-brother whom Moby "joked" might be related to Karl Rove. Naturally, Rove felt it necessary to follow up with handwritten letter on personalized White House stationary.
Page Six has the scoop, after the jump.
Apparently swayed by the hard-nosed "don't do the crime if you can't do the time" precedent set by celebrity offenders Martha Stewart, Joe Francis and Paris Hilton, a court has reportedly sentenced White House "fall guy" Scooter Libby to 30 months in the slammer for taking the blame for a much larger scale Bush administration conspiracy lying to federal investigators and obstructing justice.
Reports CNN:
I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney, was sentenced today to 30 months in prison for lying to investigators in the CIA leak case. He also was fined $250,000. Libby was found guilty in March of lying about what he told reporters about CIA operative Valerie Plame.
While Scooter is said to be unhappy with the court's decision, he has already scheduled an appointment at a top D.C. day spa for a "John Edwards" haircut, a facial and full chemical peel, and a session with a top makeup artist "Christoff" immediately prior to becoming a guest of the state, and plans to spend the bulk of his 2-3 years behind bars commencing work on his next erotic novel.
Our advice for Scooter? Tell everyone you're going to rehab instead. It's much more en vogue, and with luck, most people won't figure out that you're actually incarcerated for at least another year or two.
Of course, if all else fails, just have your bestie/former drinking buddy George W. cut you a presidential pardon.
Or, you know, suck it up. We hear the trick is to kick someone's ass the first day or become someone's bitch…
• PRWeek is not a fan of the RTCA Dinner. Possibly because they failed to properly appreciate MC Rove. Probably because they think it's a conflict of interest for journalists and politicians sing, dance and jump in bed together.
• Is the Today show squandering its once massive lead over Good Morning America? 'Yes!" says Page Six. 'No!" says last week's ratings.
• CNN's American Morning will continue to be a "no glitz, no glamour" (and, presumably, "no viewer) operation.
• Meanwhile, Miles O'Brien looks forward to life outside "an air-conditioned studio" while his replacement, John Roberts insists, "I don't think [AM] has to be hard news like you're taking Robitussin."
• NBC renews 30 Rock for another season, gives Tracy Morgan something to do in between binge-drinking and hitting the strip joints.
We know what you're thinking. You're sick of hearing about the RTCA dinner, tired of watching President Bush's stand-up routine and wishing there was some way to get that damned "MC Rove" song out of your heads. But indulge us as we bring you the underrated but still highly amusing spectacle of Brian Williams (and NBC's Senior VP, Cheryl Gould) providing the sound-effects for an improv comedy act led by Colin Mochrie and Brad Sherwood.
Because, while it may not have the panache of, say, Rove's awkward bunny-hop dance or the staying power of Bush's standup routine, it's the only opportunity you'll ever have to see NBC Nightly News' anchor imitate a beer can being opened. Plus, it'll help you forget about Karl Rove's hip hop choreography, if only for a few blessed minutes.
BONUS: At a quick glance, Cheryl Gould bears an almost uncanny resemblance to gossip queen Joanna Molloy!
Well, last night, we somehow scored an invite to the Radio & Television Correspondent's Association dinner in Washington DC. And since the last black-tie affair we went to was our great aunt's second third wedding, we really weren't sure what to expect. So we were fairly surprised to see President Bush cracking lawyer jokes, NBC's Brian Williams doing his best impression of a "shaken-up beer can," and 2400 journalists downing Scotch like college co-eds at a (really nice) frat party.
CONTINUED »
• Al Franken may have a "face for radio," but that won't preclude him from joining fellow uglies in a run for the U.S. Senate!
• Karl Rove leaked Valerie Plame's identity to a Time reporter, then said, "I've already said too much" before disappearing with a loud cry of "go, Gadget, go!"
• Although the NYT lost nearly three-quarters of a billion dollars last quarter, Google's earnings are up 67%.
• Chandler family prolongs the whole boring Tribune buyout saga.
• The WSJ hopes to attract more women with new advertisers. Related: Scott Storch hopes to attract more women by buying them crazy bling to compensate for his heinous appearance.
• WaPo debates whether to dump its style section, given that its readers are more of the "dowdy politician" persuasion.
• Liberal columnist Molly Ivins dies of breast cancer at the senseless age of 62.
• Tabloids readers may prefer In Touch to People. At least with In Touch you can kind of expect the lies. [WWD]
• If even Star magazine bloggers want to barf on your "my Vanity Fair family is so perfect" story, you know there's something wrong there. [Star]
• What political figure doesn't have a gay step father? [R&M]
• Anonymous commenting on your own blog? That's even more pussy than anonymous blogging. [NYO]
• If Marcia Cross can still have babies, maybe there is hope for Jennifer Aniston. [TMZ]
This AP news alert just hit the wires:
Former CIA operative Valerie Plame files suit against Vice President Dick Cheney, his former top aide Scooter Libby, and presidential adviser Karl Rove.
We're giving Matt Drudge 11 and four-thirteenths of a second to get a headline up.
Update: The full AP story is here.
Upon reviewing the the clauses we initialed when we signed our contract with Lucifer, we've been informed we're requied to offer comment on Robert Novak's revealing of two of his three sources in the Valerie Plame leak. If you had tuned in to the primetime cable shows last night just after a preview of Novak's column today were made public, you would've had no choice but to believe this is a big, fat, important story that should occupy at least the brief minutes between you swallowing a Lunesta and deep sleep. So what gives? Novak fingered Karl Rove and CIA spokesman Bill Harlow as two of his sources, though his primary source remains cloaked in pseudo-anonymity. Psuedo, because Novak told special prosecutor Robert Fitzgerald all about his main source, though he's not identifying this person publicly. Which means today's Novak column is going to get a lot of attention — for revealing nothing we didn't already know before.
Novak Told Prosecutor His Sources in Leak Case [David Johnston, NYT]
As most of us expected, Karl Rove is not being charged in the CIA leak case he has been under scrutiny for since 2003. In an exhaustive investigation into who leaked the name of CIA operative Valerie Plame to the press, Rove was among many political figures brought into question.
And while many of us would like to see Rove get locked away for something (insanity? Annoyingness?) today is just not that day. The New York Times offers a political analysis on the topic:
The decision not to pursue any charges removes a potential political stumbling block for a White House that is heading into a long and difficult election season for Republicans in Congress.
Mr. Fitzgerald's decision should help the White House in what has been an unsuccessful effort to put the leak case behind it. Still ahead, however, is the trial of Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff, I. Lewis Libby Jr., on charges for perjury and obstruction of justice, and the prospect that Mr. Cheney could be called to testify in that case.
Yes, where one stumbling block for the republican party is removed, there are at least three more people in line, just waiting to trip over themselves.
Leak Counsel Won't Charge Rove, Lawyer Announces [David Johnston, New York Times]
• Wait, we thought it was always the Condes who were snatching people up from Hearst. Are things that different in the UK? [WWD]
• Things get more serious between Jay Leno and the gay community. [Canada.com]
• Oh, the thrills of plagiarism. It's fast, fun, and so easy to get away with. Plus, everybody's doing it. [Slate]
• Karl Rove shows up to court to testify against Judith Miller. Once a press-hating member of the administration, always a press-hating member of the administration. [NYT]
• Washington Post's big names are taking Washington Post's big pay-offs. [Washingtonian]
If you're in need of a good laugh, as we are, you'll excuse us as we go back in time (!) to Sunday, when the Washington Post reported a statement from disgraced former VP chief of staff Scooter Libby.
Libby is a man who loved his job so much he planned to stay with Dick Cheney until, uh, "I get indicted or something."
And today, he got that "something."
We were so looking forward to reading E&P's live blogging of the indictments, and then, well, that didn't happen. Instead they had to go and bore us with an actual article about Scooter Libby's five-count indictment and his subsequent resignation as Dick Cheney's chief of staff.
The criminal charges were one count of obstruction of justice, two counts of making a false statement and two counts of perjury, all related to the Plame case in 2003 and releasing information to reporters.
Libby will resign, ABC reported, citing a White House source saying his "boxes are packed." According to the New York Daily News, his post will be filled by Cheney's chief counsel David Addington.
Startlingly, there are zero counts against CNN, MSNBC or FNC for boring us all morning with repetitive speculation. Meanwhile, Karl Rove remains under investigation (and so should his blood pressure) while special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald admits defeat in actually completing the task he was charged with.
Grand Jury Speaks: Libby Indicted on Five Charges [E&P]
Earlier: Plamegateâ„¢: Libby going down
As you begin your Friday dreaming of what the weekend will bring (hint: Halloween fiascos and an extra hour of slumber), you can also look forward to raising your glass to the indictment of Scooter Libby, VP Dick Cheney's chief of staff.
Unfortunately, if you were planning to pour out an ounce for Karl Rove, you're going to find yourself with a little extra liquor on your hands: President Bush's deputy chief of staff isn't likely to face indictment from special counsel Patrick Fitzgerald.
Finally that little website he set up is going to get some action. Ooh, perhaps they'll even live-blog the whole thing!
Cheney Aide Appears Likely to Be Indicted; Rove Under Scrutiny [NYT]
• Just when you thought the MTA's near $1 billion surplus might let commuters catch a break on fares, Governor George Pataki is lobbying to shut down plans to offer discounted holiday prices. [NY1]
• Some people think Al Franken's joke about Karl Rove and Scooter Libby being executed for treason wasn't funny. Thankfully, we've never identified with "some people." [NewsBusters.org]
• While he's trying to finesse the image of the NBA by instituting a stricter dress code, the commissioner David Stern also greenlighted NBA Ballers, a video game based on the private jet, spinning rims and bling, bling, bling lifestyles of players. [Page Six]
• Mayor Bloomberg hit up the weekly gay bash Beige at B-Bar last night, meeting with new lackey and everyone's favorite commercial gay Brian Ellner. [Gawker]
• We're not really sure why NBC Universal CEO Bob Wright is even talking about The Peacock's dismal ratings, let alone using the word "desperate" to describe its status, but we're glad to know he's aware "we could use another hit or two in prime time." Serial smarts are needed to be at the top, people. [NYP
• Jon Stewart finally unloaded his West Village apartment for $3.995 million, which has been on the market since March when he bout a $5.8 million Tribeca flat, which he's spending $300,000 on to decorate. Or, in relative terms, 700,000 times more than Stephen Colbert is pulling in. [NYO]
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