The Holmes backlash has been in effect for quite awhile now, what with her marrying that crazy guy and bearing his creepily-perfect alien love baby. But give credit where credit is due, Holmes isn't the worst actress in Hollywood today. (Melanie Griffith still gets work.)

Although fans of the Dark Knight were relieved when Maggie Gyllenhaal took over to play Katie's role, Holmes has always been one of those young actresses whose performance can best be described with words like "decent," "acceptable," and "passing." She was very good in Thank You For Smoking, actually. Unfortunately, as Mrs. Cruise tries to take Xenu's gospel to the Great White Way, her acceptable mediocrity isn't bowling over the Broadway audiences:

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Because half of the gossip news cycle is not what is happening, but what isn't, today's breaking news out of the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes camp is that the one slightly more interested in sleeping with women will not be headed to Broadway as SOME REPORTS HAVE CLAIMED! Sure, Katie Holmes will make her debut in Arthur Miller's All My Sons, where ticket sales are nothing to boast about, but the closest Cruise will get to the Broadway stage is showing up on Katie's opening night. He will then retreat to Hollywood, which doesn't want him either.

Victoria Beckham, Jennifer Lopez, Brooke Shields, Sumner Redstone, Steven Spielberg, Oprah Winfrey, Gayle King, and Kirstie Alley were among the A-listers who attending TomKat's big Beverley Hills housewarming party. Page Six, however, also spotted "all the gays, which was hilarious because Scientology 'cures' gays."

But maybe, just maybe, they were just the help?

Katie Holmes is definitely taking up residence in New York, as she'll appear on Broadway's All My Sons, from Arthur Miller, this fall. [People] For obvious reasons, you can expect she and Tom Cruise to be renting an apartment somewhere in this vicinity. [Photo: Flickr]

Just in time for the October premiere of Tom Cruise's Valkyrie, about a a plot to assassinate Hitler during WWII, Katie Holmes is set to make her Broadway debut in Arthur Miller's All My Sons, a family drama set during … WWII. The play would be a revival of the work, which first appeared on New York's stage in 1947, was turned into a movie and TV film. Holmes is said to have committed for a workshop of the show, set to begin in May. And unlike Thank You For Smoking, there is no nude scene to quibble about: Katie will keep her clothes on, just like she does when she goes to bed with Tom.

• The worst dressed awards are more fun than the actual Oscars.

• Brooke Hogan deals with her parents' divorce by doing calisthenics in a bikini.

• Britney Spears goes to dinner to earn another paycheck from the paparazzi.

• Note to Tom Cruise: Katie Holmes needs a new script.

• Stars are just like us: they love free crao.

• Angelina Jolie rocking a serious lady bump.

Our daily attempt to help you seem smart, even if you’re not.

weasel word \WEE-zul-WURD\ noun : a word used in order to mislead a person or to avoid a straight answer

Along with teaching Suri Cruise to say please and thank you, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are instructing their daughter about the importance of weasel words.

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MTV has an old-school interview with then-child star Brad Renfro. The other night on Letterman, Katie Holmes said she wouldn't mind if Suri went into acting. Watching the video, she should think, or have Tom think for her, a bit more about that.

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Our daily attempt to help you seem smart, even if you’re not.

shank's mare \SHANKS-MAIR\ noun: one's own legs

When visiting New York, Katie Holmes traveled by shank's mare, showing off her shapely legs.

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While Good Morning America scored a sit down with Katie Holmes on Monday, Diane Sawyer's refusal to ask any questions about, um, SCIENTOLOGY, makes its softball interview look like a steaming pile of PR-friendly crap next to Today anchor Meredith Vieira's chat this morning with Tom Cruise unauthorized biographer Andrew Morton.

While GMA executive producer Jim Murphy claims there was no contract in place that kept them from asking the hard questions in exchange for access to Holmes, few believe their story. (For his part, Murphy claims it was he who ended the interview early, angering Sawyer who didn't get a chance to get to the tough Qs. Take one for the team!)

Morton's book – which isn't being published in England, Australia, and New Zealand because of stringent libel laws – received the expected level of criticism from the Church of Scientology. It also received a skeptic's view from Meredith, who challenged Morton's claims that Cruise is the "de facto" second-in-command, that daughter Suri is the spawn of L. Ron Hubbard, or that Tom Cruise is "dangerous" (a statement he backtracked on in the interview). What's this? Not accepting someone's statements at face value! Tres nouveau!

After the jump, the full video of Tom Cruise's Scientology video that got some of this buzz going.

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• If you see more pantless people on the subway than usual on Sunday, the joke is on you. Improv Everywhere takes over public transit this weekend.

• Justice by example: Marion Jones was given a six-month sentence for using steroids. Your parents weren't kidding when they said life isn't fair.

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PRETEND When asked about Nicole Kidman’s pregnancy last night, Katie Holmes said, "I'm so happy for her. … It's wonderful." Let’s be real: best case scenario, Katie Holmes feels resigned indifference about her husband’s ex-wife’s pregnancy. [People]

• An internet exclusive: Naked pictures of Britney Spears.

• If you need a break from Britney's craziness, Paula Abdul is also crazy.

• And if you're not sick of Britney Spears's craziness, she may have realized that the paparazzo she's been intimate with was using her. Say it ain't so!

• Kim Cattrall is no Nicolette Sheridan, and is starting to look her age in a bathing suit. In other words, it's time to stop wearing bikinis.

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• We might worship different Gods, but anyone can appreciate a Britney crotch shot figurine.

• Spears family etiquette says giving a figurine of your own crotch is in bad taste, so Britney looks for baby clothes for her little sister.

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Our daily attempt to help you seem smart, even if you’re not.

audition \aw-DISH-un\ noun

1 : the power or sense of hearing; 2 : the act of hearing; especially : a critical hearing; 3 : a trial performance to appraise an entertainer's merits

Before marrying Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes had to audition for the part. With some changes to hair and wardrobe, she nailed it.

[Photo Credit: WireImage]