• Think Katie Holmes' new bob haircut is iconic? Just wait till you see how amazingly epic it looks on her helpless daughter, Suri!

• In an effort to clear up any last, lingering doubts as to her mental instability, Britney Spears has allegedly threatened to irreparably tarnish Paris Hilton's reputation by releasing some steamy, X-rated footage.

• Meanwhile, Dave Chappelle proves he's not crazy by performing stand-up. For more than six hours straight.

• We can think of $27 million reasons why LeBron James is better than you, none of which even remotely involve his vertical leap.

• Cindy Crawford ages gracefully, dares to expose physical imperfections.

• This Santa may only be appropriate for naughty/nice adults over the age of 18.

[Image via Wenn]

• It's a bird! It's a plane! No wait, it's just Christian Slater's inordinately large/shiny forehead.

• Nicole Kidman's children refuse to respect her authority.

• Come on, Steve-O. Everybody knows when you smoke weed out of a soda can, you gotta go with Coca Cola classic.

• Not sure what to get your grandparents for question? Just ask yourselves, "What would Tila Tequila do?" Then go ahead and do the exact opposite.

• Hey Katie Holmes: Salisha from Top Model called. She wants her annoyingly perky bob haircut back.

• Lifelong bachelor George Clooney neatly curtails rumors that he's a closeted homosexual by getting into a bitchy catfight with Fabio.

• There's no afternoon pick-me-up quite like a NSFW gallery of the best celebrity wardrobe malfunctions.

• Katie Holmes wardrobe choices continue to shock and amaze. (Marathon? No bra necessary. Clingy velvety get-up? Mandatory.)

• Note to Elisha Cuthbert: You're going to need to invest in a slutty new wardrobe if you want to keep hanging with Paris.

• Michael Jackson's precious Neverland ranch is in foreclosure! Buyers beware, however: The place still has the unmistakable stench of zoo animals and pedophilia.

We get a lot of mail. Mostly, it's of the electronic form. But from those marketing agents and publicists who found out our snail mail address, we get packages, too. They're almost always of the promotional form, trying to generate interest in a new TV show, movie, book, or rehab center. Herewith, we document their efforts.

Received: One small box with "Overture Films" as the return address. Inside, a clear plastic box, sealed with a "M" sticker, was filled with shredded dollar bills. (One editor got upset, thinking they were real shredded dollars. We offered to let him tape them together. He just might.) The monetary confetti surrounded one Masterlock with two keys attached with a little note: "Will they get away with it?" it read on one side; "01-18-08" it read on the other.

To Promote: Some quick Googling revealed Katie Holmes' new movie Mad Money premieres on Jan. 18, 2008. It's about three women working for the Federal Reserve who plan to steal cash. It is not about Jim Cramer.

Score (0-10): 6. They scored for keeping it small and simple. But the suspense – what could they be drumming up buzz for?! – only lasted two-Mississippi's. The score would have been a 5, but we added a point for sending a functional item: We lost our gym lock last week and were about to buy a new one. Thanks, Mrs. Tom Cruise!

In a shocking development, Katie Holmes escaped the mind control of Tom Cruise for a whole five and a half hours yesterday: she ran the NYC marathon. And even though it took her more than twice the time to run the course than women’s winner, we’re still impressed that she fit in training for a marathon while raising lil Suri and dealing with crazy Tom. Most impressive of all, she did the whole thing without a sports bra. [Mollygood]

Oprah Winfrey refuses to save Hillary Clinton, John Edwards a seat on the sacred couch where an exhilarated Tom Cruise once professed his totally-believable love for Katie Holmes. Barack Obama, however, is always welcome. [Stereohyped]

• Jessica Alba dumps Cash Warren in the most subtle, sensitive and respectful way she knows how: by calling him up, telling him "I'm not in love with you anymore" and having one of her assistants (there's more than one, apparently!) pack up all his shit and move it out of their house.

• I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry opens the (back) door to lots of hilarious gay jokes, plus inspires artists to ask themselves what really happens when comic books meet unattractive homoerotic porn.

• Meanwhile, here's Adam Sandler on the set of his "hairdresser/Israeli spy movie." From the sound of it, a must-see!

• Beyonce Knowles sat on a wall, Beyonce Knowles had a really great fall. And all the king's horses and all the king's men. Signed onto YouTube so they could watch it again.

• Paris Hilton gives Cisco Adler a lap-dance after apparently misunderstanding a girlfriend who nudged her and said "that guy's family jewels are, like, enormous!"

• Tom and Katie caught bumping and grinding on the dance floor at the Beckham's "Welcome to America" party. Apparently, Cruise really does likes that old-time rock n' roll! Either that, or he's just totally feigning interest in his Stepford wife in an effort to make us forget they're both members of a crazy religious cult.

• Unable to tamper with her ankle monitoring bracelet and not content to simply sit back and sip on Shirley Temples, Lindsay Lohan has apparently figured out the secret to a happy, sober existence: total Ecstasy.

• Either that or LiLo's holed up in her room getting high on whippets, chugging cold meds, and screaming "Mo' Tussin!"

• An unleashed Suri Cruise terrorized a Barnes & Nobles on Monday, throwing books at Katie Holmes' feet and generally pissing off all the bookish singletons looking for love in the self-help aisle.

• Ryan Seacrest needs a new beard, preferably one who doesn't say things like, "Beer doesn't give you a yeast infection, right?" or start singing, "I'm not wearing pantyhose."

• Usher finds a clever way to alienate his biggest and only fan.

• Gwen Stefani sues Forever 21 for making even crappier clothes than usual.

• Reese Witherspoon refamiliarizes herself with her nether regions.

• Beyonce at the BET Awards, live and blissfully uncensored.

• Courteney Cox raids her 15 year-old brother's wardrobe.

• That Gemma Atkinson is such a doll. Too bad she's also best known for dating a European footballer you've never heard of.

• Cameron Diaz smartens up, ditches that creepy magician dude in favor of a Rothschild. Cha-ching!

• Tom Cruise creates production company in megalomaniacal attempt to micromanage his wife's every move.

• More pics of Nick and Vanny enjoying a private moment in a very public hot tub.

• Katie Holmes has old lady hands.

• Christina Aguilera is officially preggers, unofficially bragging that her tiny, unborn fetus is "way cuter" than Nicole Richie's tiny, unborn fetus.

• Lindsay Lohan does a "bend and snap" while losing her brother at a beach party.

• Orlando Bloom rocks the Hitler 'stache.

• K-Fed isn't entirely sure that his crotch-flashing, head-shaving ex is qualified to raise their children.

• Meanwhile, Britney Spears, who apparently suffers from short-term memory loss, claims she never should have been forced into rehab.

• Which, naturally, is all Lynne Spears' fault.

• In other news, Kathy Griffin reveals Dick Cheney's innermost masturbatory fantasies.

• Katie Holmes goes for the dowdy, Michael Jackson look.

• Paris Hilton goes incognito, continues to deny her (blond) roots.

It seems like every week there's another new trend in Hollywood, doesn't it? From Lindsay Lohan's side-boob to Nicole Richie's oversized sunglasses to Pete Wentz's still-to-catch-on "guyliner," you never know which styles are going to catch on and become "the next big thing." Fortunately, we're here to offer you our inexpert opinion on what's hot…and what's not.

And what's hot right now? Celebrity baby pictures. And not just any pictures, mind you. We're talking "frolicking in the water with my child while the overworked, underpaid nanny takes a two minute bathroom break" pictures.

CONTINUED »

• Paula Abdul to write a self-help book for teens. Publishing insiders expect the result to be "straight-up crappy."

• Celebrities continue to disappoint with boring, unimaginative baby names.

• Beyonce shows off the best bikini bod that money—and an appointment with Dr. 90210—can buy.

• 50's housewife Katie "Thunderthighs" Holmes hits the beach with her suddenly ubiquitous daughter, Suri.

• David Beckham celebrates Real Madrid's league championship by spending the evening with his wife's breast implants.

According to today's Page Six, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are in uproar over a case of identity theft…with a twist.

A blond-haired, blue-eyed fashion student, who claims to be a virgin, has changed her name to Katee Holmes and is launching a porn career in which she'll be deflowered in her first movie…

Holmes' camp is weighing her possible recourse. A friend of Katie told us, "It's really kind of sleazy, using her name like that."

A spokeswoman for Cruise said, "Obviously, Tom would support Katie in anything she decides to do about it."

Naturally, the real Katie Holmes is said to be extremely offended by this unsolicited "tribute."

When reached for comment, a disgusted Holmes reportedly branded her namesake an "opportunistic hussy," then waved to the paparazzi and marched into her brand new mansion to simulate sexual relations with her famous movie star husband.

• Howie Day takes time out of his Britney-humping schedule to jump onstage during Spears' "comeback" performance.

• Meanwhile, bloggers weigh in on Britney Spears' latest performance: "Her lip synching skills have not suffered during her recent meltdown."

• Katie Holmes reportedly trying her hand at non-Scientologist, non-homosexual men.

• This is what happens when you hit the dog with a newspaper one too many times.

• George Clooney jokes: "“Hell, I’m glad I have the Ocean’s franchise around to keep paying the bills for some of my other films which have tanked!” Hahaha—oh, wait. He owns an Italian villa.

• Robert De Niro awkwardly asks young black R&B singer Jamelia if she wants to be his "leading lady."

• Chris Klein is destined to go through life as "Katie Holmes' ex-boyfriend.' Tough break, Nova.

• Al Roker launches his v-blog on the revamped Today show website; Amanda Congdon panics, then remembers she looks "much, much better" in a tight t-shirt.

• Former Disney CEO Michael Eisner decides he's ready to grow up; takes off his Mickey ears and buys a lifetime's supply of Bazooka chewing gum.

• MTV is launching thousands of websites. 'Who cares?' asks the disgruntled throngs of recently-fired MTV staffers.

• A braless Sharon Stone flips out when photogs capture her G.I. Jane look.

• Our homosexual younger brother tells Ann Coulter how to treat her gays.

• NBA player John Amaechi comes out, inspiring a crazy homophobic rant from former Indiana Pacers star, Tim Hardaway.

• Fabian Basabe is concerned that his DUI will interfere with his work schedule pathetic obsession with becoming famous.

• Daniel Baldwin has been getting the rich and famous rehab treatment despite being a huge financial burden to his family and only marginally famous.

• Meanwhile, a freshly rehabbed Lindsay Lohan has managed to incorporate threesomes into her road to recovery.

• Anna Nicole's methadone-friendly doctor to officially rescind his Hippocratic Oath.

• Victoria Beckham can make the crazy-but-gorgeous Katie Holmes look lovely in March's Harper's Bazaar; but can she really design clothes for women with back-fat?

• Meanwhile, Jim Carrey's slightly worried that he'll become a couch-jumping Scientologist with no career.

"Tom makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and has since the day I met him. I love being with him. I love calling him 'husband.'

"I have a husband and children that I adore, I have a career that I really love. When I sit back and reflect, it's — wow. I am very grateful.

"I have a whole new set of responsibilities. My work is very important to me. My family is very important to me—when I go to work, it will be the right thing, worth my time and worth my time away from my family."

–Katie Holmes, in an upcoming issue of Harper's Bazaar

It always brings us such joy to watch newspapers of The Establishment (and which newspapers aren't part of it?) try and cover the niche of gossip blogs. Like earlier this week, when the NYT thought it could do justice to the latest development in the Brangelina saga? And now today, some newspaper readers woke up to very serious-sounding commentary about a woman who's more easily placed into sentences involving "space aliens" and "mind control" than she is "Batman," who is trying to resurrect her movie career.

But alas, this woman is Katie Holmes, and the newspaper is the Wall Street Journal — and that will mean, forever and to eternity, that they'll get the story wrong.

If Rule No. 1 of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club, then Rule No. 1 of the TomKat saga is you don't pretend this is a serious story. So let us mediate between you and the Journal.

Much has changed for Ms. Holmes since two summers ago, when she was known primarily as the pretty ingénue from "Dawson's Creek" and films like "First Daughter" and "Go."

Translation: Guys used to want to fuck Katie Holmes. Girls used to want to be her. Now both mostly feel bad for her.

Since then she's become a mother, married into great wealth and begun hobnobbing with figures like Yahoo's chairman and chief executive, Terry Semel, and David and Victoria Beckham, the world-renowned soccer player and his wife. (Ms. Beckham — the former Spice Girl known as Posh — "styled" Ms. Holmes for a coming Harper's Bazaar cover).

Translation: Now she's arm candy to be shown around the world, and her linking up with Posh Spice is known more as the meeting of two robots than the beginning of a new human friendship.

She's also become inextricably linked to the 44-year-old Mr. Cruise, a Hollywood legend who has been criticized for his controversial Scientology faith and a pattern of erratic public behavior that is regarded in some quarters as a box-office liability.

Translation: Girl has gone crazy!

Mr. Cruise's production contract was not renewed last August by Paramount, partly because of his antics, including ecstatically proclaiming his love for Ms. Holmes on Oprah Winfrey's couch and inveighing against the use of antidepressants by Brooke Shields and others on the "Today" show.

Translation: And everyone knows where her crazy came from!

You're welcome.

• Courtney Love takes to the internet with an anonymous screenname…and still can't find herself a date. And here you thought online dating was just for losers and crazies!

• Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady possibly dating? Possibly to make beautiful, beautiful babies together??

• Hugh Hefner congratulates Pam Anderson on divorcing Kid Rock; Pam continues to fuel rumors that Borat was responsible for the split.

• In their continuing effort to befriend new and easily persuadable celebs, Tom and Katie spent the Globes after-party whispering conspiratorially with J.Lo and Marc Antony.

• Drew Barrymore grossly made out with Bruce Willis at Prince's Golden Globes after-party, giving hope to men over 50 everywhere.