The variety acts of yesteryear have gone the way of Carroll Burnett and Ed Sullivan's careers. The two comedians, who in pre-TiVo time were able to entertain audiences with skits and musical numbers, are now relics of a bygone time of star power, speaking to a nearly vanished ability to carry an entire show on personality alone. Let's see Ryan Seacrest keep American Idol going without the idols. Nowadays, the closest thing we got is Saturday Night Live, but it's less a variety show than a short form comedy troupe.
Two new shows hope to fill the gap in larger-than-life hosts and bring back the variety show to primetime: an upcoming Osbourne family program (hey what's up 2003??), and a one hour pre-Thanksgiving special starring Rosie O'Donnell.
Let's play a little game called Good Idea/Bad Idea:
Project Catwalk, the British answer to Bravo's highly successful designer show Project Runway, has been cancelled before the start of its fourth season on the overseas channel Sky1. Might have something to do with Kelly Osbourne taking over the role of host from Elizabeth frikkin' Hurley after the first season (now there's a culture shock for you). What's going to fill the time slot? According to the Sky1 people, "What we really need are some more female-friendly formatted shows." It's the end of the day, so feel free to make your own jokes about Kelly Osbourne's face scaring women.
• JT LeRoy jumps on the James Frey bandwagon screaming, "Help, help, I'm a liar and now I'm broke."
• Somehow, we doubt that smuggling a monkey halfway across the world in your hair could have even seemed like a good idea at the time.
• The next time you find yourself sipping on a Cuba Libre just remember, all the cool teenagers are doing it.
• Kelly Osbourne apparently isn't ready to make a fool out of herself on reality TV. Unless, of course, you count The Osbournes.
• Being a grossly tanned, Long Island girl evidently has its perks these days.
• Thinking about starting up a blog, but just can't think of a name? Well, Slate's here to help! (Hint: Try not to rhyme your blog with "gossip," it's been done.)
• Apparently, Scarlett Johansson is way too classy to portray Jenna Jameson in a major motion picture. However, she's evidently not above blowing Benicio Del Toro in a hotel elevator. Go figure!
• Rebecca Gayheart manages to spend a night with her ex, Brett Ratner, without accidentally-on-purpose running him over with her car.
• Ever wondered what Victoria Beckham would look like if she were less "trophy wife/former Spice Girl" and more "Suzy Homemaker?"
• Kelly Osbourne gives them the ol' razzle dazzle.
• Fat-bottomed (British) girls they make the rappin' world go round.
• Faith Hill tells a grabby Tim McGraw fan to "show some respect," keep her hands to herself and refrain from any activity that involves balls flying at her face. In response, an omnipresent Stacy Dash quipped, "Well, there goes your social life."
• "WHICH actress' weight gain is being blamed on her scoundrel ex-boyfriend who knocked her up? She only started shedding some of the weight when he forced her to terminate her pregnancy." Aw, they called Jessica Simpson an "actress."
• We fully believed that Heidi Klum was modeling the chicest, most outrageous in cutting-edge couture until a small child laid eyes on her and said, "But she has nothing on!"
• Joe Pesci to marry Sly Stallone's ex.
• OMG, Paris Hilton was disinherited by her grandfather, reports a myriad of unreliable websites.
• Kelly Osbourne drops thirty pounds by eating healthy, exercising regularly going heavy on the Photoshop.
• The gloved one ditches his gig at a Vegas casino, complaining "Everyone there was over 21."
• Sources say Life & Style has graphic pics of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo getting it on while vacationing in Mexico. Naturally, the couple has threatened to sue anyone who publishes the pictures, which is pretty harsh language indeed, especially coming from two people who just finished screwing in an outdoor hot tub.
• A-Rod's wife wears a "tight-fitting, white tank top" emblazoned with a profanity to yesterday's Yankees game, and in doing so, traumatizes a 10-year old boy who's only used to hearing the f-bomb screamed from the bleachers.
• Kim Kardashian and Kelly Osbourne are apparently starring in The Simple Life 3.
I would like to find somebody, but there's a real lack of men in London. British boys can be a bit wimpy and a bit girlie. I don't want a guy who spends more time on his hair than I do. I do like [the single life], but there are always stupid rumors about guys I'm dating. Last week I heard I was getting married to one of the Arctic Monkeys, which is crazy – they're like 16 and I've never met them.
–Kelly Osbourne [via People]
• Food Network star Rachael Ray is possibly racist, definitely annoying.
• K-Fed's worst nightmare is losing Britney's fortune and ending up in the fast food industry. Related: the fast food industry's worst nightmare is being portrayed by K-Fed in a commercial.
• Hugh Hefner shoots down Kelly Osbourne's dreams of posing nude—and heavily airbrushed—in Playboy magazine.
• Jennifer Aniston gets plastic surgery, denies it; Ashlee Simpson welcomes her to the club.
• Mandy Moore is rumored to be dating DJ A.M. for the publicity; DJ A.M. is rumored to be dating Mandy Moore because she's "really, really hot."
• Scott Baio is shopping around a memoir about how he got dumped by most of Hollywood's leading ladies.
• In the unbiased opinon of American Idol judge Simon Cowell, the legendary Bob Dylan pales in comparison to Kelly Clarkson.
• Don't expect Pat O'Brien's hosting contract to be renewed at The Insider. His bosses are citing his infamous drunk-dial as the primary reason, with his "creepy mustache" coming in at a close second.
• Drew Barrymore has possibly broken up with longtime beau Fabrizio Moretti; ironically, friends are citing the couples' past breakup history to predict that the pair will end up together.
• With or without his political playbook, Republicans don't think Rudy Giuliani has what it takes to blaze the campaign trail in 2008.
• Robin Williams wins over his critics by cracking hilariously irresistable jokes about lepers performing oral sex acts.
• Kelly Osbourne offers unsolicited, nude photos of herself in exchange for "major" amounts of Photoshopping.
Ok, so since there is absolutely no gossip going around, we need to add one of our own celebits, which we picked up last night, while stumbling into our favorite East Village literati hang-out. Upon entering, we were greeting with a strange request. Instead of the usual, "know where I can get some weed?" we got: "IDs please."
WTF is this? we wondered. Of course we have ID, but its not like anyone in the East Village has asked for it since we were like 19.
"Jack and Kelly Osbourne were in here last night," the bartender offered up. "So the cops have been in here, checking us out." (We realize that Kelly is 21, but Jack is still 20 until next November, so we guess that's what our wasted bartender meant.) What really got us pissy though, was the principle. Since when does the NYPD care about underage drinkng? Especially east of Fourth Avenue?
Oh, yeah. Since NYU underclassman and underage celebs officially ruined everything between 14th St. and Houston.
Editorial Director
