It's coverage like this that the Times was talking about over the weekend when it came to mega-celebrity and uber-brand Lance Armstrong: The man may be able to campaign for cancer research and attach his name to a new health website, but where the paid-for marketing goes, so too does the gossip chronicling. Which means every time he shows up to a late night talk show, the gossip blogs will caption his photos entering and exiting the set with "homewrecker," thanks to him "stealing" Kate Hudson away from mentally fragile Owen Wilson; his name won't be boldfaced without the mentions of his various liaisons with Sheryl Crow (a couple years), Tory Burch (a couple months), and Ashley Olsen (a couple minutes). But this really isn't a case of Mr. Armstrong "tolerating" or "dealing with" this type of coverage.

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Capitalizing on the mass branding effort of those yellow rubber brands and his sexual intercourse with celebrities, super-athlete Lance Armstrong today debuts LiveStrong.com, the health/wellness site that's all about cashing in. This site is, of course, different from LiveStrong.org, the foundation set up to raise awareness about cancer and, um, Lance Armstrong. The dot-com/for-profit site, meanwhile, is a partnership with Demand Media, and greets visitors with everything from "why eating the fruits 3 times a week can help prevent the disease" to ways to "Get Fab Abs" through "a magic circle, plus other ways to strengthen your tummy with Pilates." The deal also means Armstrong is laying himself out there for endless product endorsements, including something called FRS ("Fight fatigue, Raises metabolism, Supports immune system), some sort of energy drink whose purchase will go toward funding Lance Armstrong, and his plight to turn a battle with cancer into a lucrative profiteering scheme.

• Lance Armstrong grossly makes out with random blond chick to alleviate suspicion that he's dating an Olsen.

• Even more irrefutable proof that Britney Spears is all kinds of knocked up.

• Celebrities pump their own gas, just like us! Only difference is, they can actually afford premium gasoline despite the soaring oil prices.

• Naomi Campbell continues to forget that she is, in fact, an aging supermodel—and lacks the requisite interpersonal skills required of even "honorary" diplomats.

• Wait, so this week's episode of The Real World ended with a racist catfight? Yeah, this is us, pretending to be surprised.

• Hey, ladies! Wayne Newton wants you to know he's heterosexual. Just, you know, FYI.

• Lance Armstrong insults our intelligence (and makes us question his) by insisting he's just friends with Ashley Olsen, and referring to her as a "nice, smart lady."

• Spice Girls fill in for Kanye West at the Victoria's Secret fashion show. Throughout the performance, Posh was overheard murmuring quietly to herself, "Th-th-that that don't kill me. Will only make me stronger."

• Meanwhile, Heidi Klum has altogether too much fun with her Bedazzler.

• Natalie Portman becomes the latest unattached celebrity to say she won't get married until the gays do.

• TMZ: The doctor who "operated on Kanye West's mom the day before she died" also left a sponge inside of another patient. And now there's a warrant out for his arrest. Not that we're directly accusing him of anything, mind you. But allegedly? He totally killed Mama West.

• Meanwhile, Ashley Olsen is reportedly going to great lengths to please her new boyfriend, Lance Armstrong. Including allowing his twin six year-old daughters to bring her into school as "Show & Tell." [via Dlisted]

• Heidi Montag loves breast implants, long walks on the beach and the Bible, says religion is "how I got to where I am."

• Tom Cruise proves that white man can neither jump nor dance.

• Heidi Klum horrifies Seal, her family by borrowing a few parenting tips from Britney Spears.

• Ashlee Simpson's dress is almost as transparent as her desire to surgically alter her face until she's the spitting image of her more successful older sister.

Maybe Lance Armstrong was only trying to connect with his kids, but he’s been macking it hardcore to the Ashley half of Michelle Tanner. The two were spotted canoodling at Rose Bar on Monday night, no doubt talking about that episode of Full House where Uncle Joey taught Michelle how to ride a bike. At some point, Lance’s heroic battle with cancer and triumphs in the Tour de France will not the hide the fact that the dude is a straight-up player.

[Mollygood]

Lance Armstrong gave us (and Sheryl Crow) quite a scare when we read an article detailing how a yellow jersey-wearing American bicyclist "will have to forfeit his Tour de France title after arbitrators Thursday upheld the results of a test that showed [he] used synthetic testosterone to fuel his spectacular comeback victory."

We laughed. We cried. And then we realized it was just a boring article about some dude named Floyd Landis. [CNN]

Over the weekend, Page Six shocked us with the news that Hank Azaria and Sheryl Crow were spotted having a romantic dinner together at Tower Bar, despite the intrusion mutual friend (and awkward third-wheel) Patricia Arquette.

But the possible new twosome isn't nearly as surprising as Richard Johnson's revelation that both Azaria and Crow are still recovering from being dumped by world-class cyclist, Lance Armstrong:

Hank, we never knew you and Lance were so buddy-buddy, but frankly, we can kind of see it. And since Sheryl seems cool with your sordid "history," our only question is: what would Jake Gyllenhaal think?

While Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey have shot down rumors of a homo love affair in this month's Details – because if there's anywhere to deny being gay, it's certainly Daniel Peres' pages – a keen eye (that is, a queer eye) notes they left out the possibility of a Jake Gyllenhaal romance. "We tried it. Wasn't for us," McConaughey tells the mag. While that may be true, let's be sure the count off the things that are for McConaughey: Never wearing a shirt in public; running, yoga, and other means of exercise nearly daily, in public, also while shirtless; wearing clingy boardshorts while "surfing," certain to display amble bubble butt and crotch outline. The only way to be certain Matthew isn't plugging Lance? White boy can't dance.

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• Lance Armstrong, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Matthew McConaughey: gay or cyclists? [Details via TMZ]

• SNL is cutting cast members, but holding auditions for their replacements. [FBNY]

• We hope this was shot right after Paris Hilton was crying over how good her song is. Because the ho looks like shiiiite. [YouTube]

• Is it just us, or has it been Bill Clinton's birthday for, like, two weeks now? [Lowdown]

• Tucker Carlson's stupid "reporting" gig is getting in the way of his Dancing With the Stars rehearsals. [ETP]

We're not sure we can remember a time when the press went so bonkers over a few celebs hanging out together. But when Lance Armstrong recently adopted fellow Hollywood hotties Jake Gyllenhaal and Matthew McConaughey as his biking buddies, everyone went wild over it.

And today we find out why at least one of these stars is getting so tight with Armstrong. Jake Gyllehnaal is up for the role of Lance Armstrong in a new Sony bio film about the cyclist's life. (Still no idea where Mr. McConaughey fits in … maybe he'll be playing a guy who loses?) When Jakey accompanied Lance to Paris this weekend for the Tour de France, the press went wild.

On Sunday, the two sat in a Paris hotel together with friends as American Floyd Landis stood on the podium after winning the 2006 Tour de France. Needless to say, the European press went into a speculation frenzy when the Lance and Jake first showed up together.

We're sure Floyd Landis — you know, the Tour de France winner? — was ecstatic when he crossed the finish line and realized half the race's reporters were off stalking a hotel cafe.

Jake Gyllenhaal Wants To Play Lance Armstrong in Sony Bio-Pic [Nikki Finke, Deadline Hollywood]
Landis Is Tour De France Champ [CBS]

• Isn't it nice when your big sister ditches you and then explains to the press it's because she's more popular and didn't want to take attention away from your ugly duckling ass. We just feel so sorry for Ashlee Simpson sometimes. [Page Six]

• Normally, Naomi Campbell getting arrested would be really big news. But since it happens more than AMI mags folding, we barely even notice anymore. [AP]

• The French are trying to get Zizou to come and head-butt Lance Armstrong. [ABC]

• Remember when Britney Spears told Matt Lauer she wanted to start her own magazine? Well, Kevin Federline actually has a name and a business proposal. Lord, how many failures can one duo set themselves up for? [R&M]

• Ahhh! This is the scariest ad for a horror movie we've ever seen! [Us]

• The “friendship” of Jake Gyllenhaal, Matthew McConaughey, and Lance Armstrong was finally explained at the ESPY Awards. So hot. [You Tube]

• Oliver Stone sure knows how to have a good time trippin’ out. Not to mention his mom and dad were the most crazy hands-on parents ever. [R&M]

• Au Bar closes down … we know, we thought it closed three years ago, too. [Page Six]

• According to Paris Hilton, our new Marilyn Monroe is (tada!) Paris Hilton. Wait, does that mean she'll kill herself? 'Cuz then it's ok for her to say that. [London Times]

• Jann Wenner sends his little scabs to Coney Island on the hottest day of the year. It's all worth it, kids, just to have the chance to organize pens by color and tip size. [Gawker]

• CW tests its new waters with Nick Lachey to find out how smart he sounds next to a person with a human-sized brain. [NYP]

• Lance Armstrong balances his sleezebag karma by comforting Dana Reeves' kid. [People]

• Jay McCarroll's very frank sex advice … don't ask him questions while he's working. [A Socialite's Life]

• Finally, a reality show about what it's like for celebrities in prison. Thank God — we were sick of watching Cybill Shephard play Martha Stewart in the re-enactment. [WaPo]

• Us Weekly is just like as uninterested in Paris Hilton as Graydon Carter and the rest of the world are. [Page Six]

Sheryl Crow faced a scare last week, when she underwent surgery for breast cancer. While her prognosis has been reported as "excellent," Crow is still planning on postponing her March/April North American tour.

On her site, Sheryl gives fans a note of encouragement.

“Approximately 1 in 7 American women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime and more than 2 million American are living with breast cancer today. I am joining the more than 200,000 women who will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year.

We are a testament to the importance of early detection and new treatments. I encourage all women everywhere to advocate for themselves and for their future – see your doctor and be proactive about your health."

Star, of course, has "unshaven and dejected-looking" Lance Armstrong's reaction to the news.

"She's doing okay; she's going to make it … I was shocked when I heard," he said. "But, I feel she's going to beat it."

We're surprised Lance wasn't like, "what a wuss! I still Tour de' Franced when I had cancer." Maybe it's because, in comparison to Britney Spears (who cancelled her tour due to a fake hurt leg), Crow's excuse looks pretty legit. The full press release from Crow's website after the jump.

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